Dear Etiquetteer:
I have to talk to you about what I think is specifically a man problem, which is email forwarding of memes and posts and videos. I shouldn’t just say email, as this happens to me a lot on social media. Guys find things I guess they find interesting or funny or something, and feel like they have to share them with me. The subject matter is all over the place: political, religious, mildly spicy, to cat videos and other funny stuff. Sometimes I’m interested, but more often I’m not.
Maybe women do this, too, but my experience is that it is overwhelmingly a guy thing. And I need these men to understand that I have other things to do than watch videos they send me, or react to memes and long-form text about whatever it is they’re sending. I feel bad not reacting or responding, but my time is limited, and this isn’t a great way for me to spend it. How can I get this to stop without hurting anyone’s feelings?
Dear Memed:
What you’re describing is spamming, “the receipt of any unwanted message.” This behavior has gone on since the dawn of the internet. The chain letter (“You must forward this letter to ten people within two weeks or else . . .”), so difficult to reproduce and send via the post, could be sent in seconds by email. During this period Etiquetteer recalls one Elderly Gentleman who would forward emails, generally with three or four animated gifs, all related to aging (dis)gracefully along the lines of “Never trust a f*rt.”
Since then, just about everything put on the internet has been considered suitable for sharing, whether it’s cat videos (as you note), cheesecake, propaganda, or some bizarre “challenge” craze, like the ice bucket challenge, cinnamon challenge, etc.* Whatever Shiny New Thing captures someone’s attention, thanks to the miracle of modern technology, it can be shared instantly with everyone you’ve ever met in your entire life.
You are probably not the sole recipient of all this spam, though it might feel like these men have only you in mind. And the volume is not going to slow down by itself. You are going to have to communicate, kindly, just what you’ve said to Etiquetteer: that your time is really constrained, you can’t pay attention to everything you’re getting, and could you please share just personal messages. Always conclude with thanks, such as “Thanks for understanding. I really appreciate this at such a busy time.”
In the meantime, don’t feel like you have to react or respond to a spam message. It’s Perfectly Proper to leave them alone. If the Flow of Spam does not cease, Etiquetteer gives you permission to block them.
Now, Dear Reader — are you a spammer? Moderation remains a valuable etiquette guideline. If you’re spamming several times a day, or even daily, to the same people, you may want to dial back the volume. Edith Wharton created the characters of Louisa and Henry van der Luyden well before the internet came along, in The Age of Innocence. They were described as “The most powerful influence in New York,” and the Countess Olenska correctly guessed why: “. . . they make themselves so rare.” This is advice worth remembering every time you want to smash the send button.
As to this being a “man problem,” Etiquetteer has no comment beyond a Pointed Glance in the direction of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who is occasionally guilty of Oversharing Memes.** But it’s entirely possible that women have a similar affliction. It will be interesting to hear from readers whether or not they suffer from Excess Spam and how they manage it.
Etiquetteer wishes you a manageable inbox and communications you value.
*Remember that weird challenge where you had to get out of your moving car and dance alongside it while being filmed from the passenger seat? What on earth, people.
**But he has promised Etiquetteer that he will use greater discernment in the future.