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Etiquetteer

Encouraging Perfect Propriety in an Imperfect World since 2001
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Table Manners, Vol. 24, Issue 14

April 13, 2025

Dear Etiquetteer:

One thing that drives me crazy about being served at a long table is that some people start eating as soon as they are served. I know we aren’t at Downton Abbey where everyone has their own staff person, to facilitate service at the same time for all. But, if someone starts as soon as they are served, many times I find, they are quite done with their meal as others are just being served. Plus, it’s just not polite to eat in front of others who don’t have their dinners!  

Dear Dining:

Etiquetteer thinks of these overeager diners as the Bolters.

Everyone thinks the Victorians were so excessively Perfectly Proper, and they often were, with one notable exception: Queen Victoria Herself. The Hanoverians were known for their, um, appetites. Her Majesty’s uncle George was notorious for his indulgence in beautiful women, architecture, and uniforms. Victoria indulged at the table. She liked many courses, but not for dinner to last longer than half an hour. In other words, gobble gobble gobble, and too bad for anyone who couldn’t keep up. By the end of her reign she was the Royal Orb.

Because not only was she served first, she definitely didn’t wait for anyone else to be served before tucking in. And when she was finished, everyone was finished. Laurence Housman included in his Palace Scenes a dinner at Windsor when a canon’s wife called out the Queen on the unfairness of it all, shouting down the table “Your Majesty! They are taking away my mutton and I haven’t had a mouthful!”* This was not Perfectly Proper, but then fighting for justice requires speaking out.

The rule, which we all need to remember, is that no one begins eating until the hostess picks up her fork. When there is no hostess — for instance, at a table of strangers or a Dutch treat office lunch — it’s polite to wait for everyone to be served. If someone’s meal is delayed, it’s polite for them to encourage everyone to begin eating.

The other rule, which many of us forget**, is that everyone should finish at roughly the same time. You shouldn’t bolt down your food in greedy delight, but you also shouldn’t dawdle over it because you’re too busy talking.

When you find yourself dining with Bolters, just let them be. Correcting someone’s manners at the table is even less Perfectly Proper than Bolting. But Etiquetteer wishes you many lovely dinners at lovely long tables with prompt service and stimulating conversation.

*As God is my witness, I have a copy of this book somewhere. I just cannot set my hands on it.

**Especially That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much.

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