“Sing for your supper and you’ll get breakfast//Songbirds always eat//If their song is sweet to hear.” — Rodgers and Hart, The Boys from Syracuse
Dear Etiquetteer:
I was quite troubled in a past relationship with a status that can only be described as being the guest of a guest. I can’t yet quite unravel the social obligations that were triggered by being the guest of a guest and don’t want to repeat these feelings of ambiguity again. Please clarify what should have been the proper course of conduct for me.
On multiple occasions I was invited by my then-significant other to join her for a weekend in the country or a holiday celebration as her plus one. Think July 4th or New Year’s celebrations, involving a couple nights in a guest suite at a lovely home in a charming location. My date was the invited party; she invited me to join her and told her hosts she had a companion. I was the recipient of the hosts’ warm hospitality, multiple meals, overnight accommodations, excursions, etc. On each such adventure, I recognized the hosts by bringing a hostess gift of my own. I also wrote independent thank-you notes afterwards.
What I am trying to figure out is how I should have responded, during the course of the visit, when my date instructed me: “I think it would be nice if you would pay for brunch for all of us.” Or, “you should stay in the kitchen and help [the host] with the roast in the oven.” There was also the direction that I should buy the wine for a pizza party that the hosts were holding to so that my date and I might meet their neighbors and socialize with their friends. I thought this was odd. I was the guest of a guest; I certainly was not a host.
Of course I complied with my date’s instructions, but was I obligated to do or pay for any of this? If my date wanted to treat or help our hosts, shouldn’t she have done so herself? To make matters worse, all these people were rich retirees, and I am a working girl. My role felt terribly confused, I felt used but I’m not sure by whom, and I found myself wishing for the clarity I might have enjoyed had I been a hired escort.
Dear Guest of a Guest:
It’s both generous and Perfectly Proper to express gratitude to one’s hosts, with a Lovely Note of Thanks and a hostess gift, preferably given during one’s visit. (Sometimes Etiquetteer sends a hostess gift afterwards, using the visit to gauge what kind of gift might be received best.) For stays of more than one night, it’s suitable to take the hosts out to a meal.
While you identify yourself as your date’s “plus one,” if you were sharing a bedroom you were visiting as a couple. It was very appropriate of you to write your own Lovely Note of Thanks (especially if you were meeting the hosts for the first time), and generous to bring your own hostess gift. Otherwise, further efforts like picking up the tab for brunch or wine should be a joint responsibility, not solely yours. When your date suggested you pick up the bill for brunch, for instance, Etiquetteer thinks you could have suggested you both split the bill. What’s not clear is whether or how your date stepped up.
In your date’s defense, because you’re “flying under her flag,” your behavior is also a reflection on her. She could have been anxious that you and her friends get a good impression of each other; for instance, sending you into the kitchen to “help with the roast” could have been her way of setting up a chance for you and the hosts to get to know each other a bit better.
Ideally, this is the sort of thing that should be determined before you arrive, but Spontaneity often figures in a weekend’s plans. In the future, if someone invites you as their guest to someone else’s home, ask their advice about a hostess gift the hosts would like and mention that you’ll send a note yourself after the visit.
Etiquetteer wishes you clarity in future invitations, and happiness in accepting them.