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Etiquetteer

Encouraging Perfect Propriety in an Imperfect World since 2001
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Hats, Other People's Hat, and What to Do About Them, Vol. 23, Issue 1

January 3, 2024

The answer to the musical question “Does anyone still wear a hat?” remains “Yes, but not always correctly.” No one has yet put to music the question “What do I say when I see someone wearing a hat incorrectly?” because the answer is . . . silence.

A news story (prompted by a social media video, of course) about a young woman called out by an older man for wearing a baseball cap inside a library bristles with etiquette issues: how hats are worn, whether the same rules apply to baseball caps, respect vs. obedience, how gender and class and age inform what individuals think of as Perfectly Proper — and also that almost no one is familiar with what the rules are anyway.

First, let’s understand this: criticizing total strangers in public is bad manners. If the purpose of good manners is to put people at ease, calling them out doesn’t do that. Stop it at once!

Not even all the etiquette experts agree on what is and isn’t Perfectly Proper about hats. As we move toward a more gender-neutral code of manners, the overwhelming majority of ladies and gentlemen are not adopting gender-neutral wardrobes*. With that in mind, as a rule gentlemen remove their hats indoors (but not exclusively — Etiquetteer has written about that with more nuance here), and ladies may leave theirs on (until 6:00 PM, or until asked by the person sitting in the back row to stop blocking the view of the stage). So many men are incorporating hats into their cocktail party looks — very wannabe Humphrey Bogart, very wannabe Frank Sinatra. Etiquetteer really doesn’t approve — but also keeps mum, which is the whole point of this column.

Baseball caps, though, are gender neutral. For Etiquetteer, that means everyone should remove them indoors, and everyone should remove them for the National Anthem and for the passing of the American flag. Religious headgear should be worn according the rules of that particular religion, of course.

Finally, the most important reason you don’t call someone out about a hat is that they might have a reason for keeping it on you don’t know about. The late Arthur Friedman (may he rest in peace) told the story of being accosted in an elevator by another man for wearing a hat indoors. He was wearing it, in fact, to conceal an unattractive and discomfiting skin condition, and he let that man know about it in No Uncertain Terms** — but without removing his hat. He made his point, and the whole situation could have been avoided if that man had just minded his own business.

Etiquetteer wishes you beautiful displays of winter hats and caps, worn with Perfect Propriety.

*No, athleisure is not gender neutral. It’s just Sloth. Do better.

**Dear Arthur, always fearless, always irascible.

← Letter Writing, Vol. 23, Issue 2Table Talk, Vol. 22, Issue 83 →
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