Odd Volumes of an Etiquette Library, Vol. 21, Issue 7

Bibliophiles enjoy nothing more than rearranging their books — possibly even more than reading them. And so with National Library Shelfie Day today, Etiquetteer passed an interesting time going through the dozens of volumes generally shelved under Etiquette, but which include some unexpected titles or subjects. Herewith, a small selection from each subsection for your amusement.

THE CLASSICS: Eleanor Roosevelt’s Book of Common Sense Etiquette might be the most obscure part of her substantial legacy. Certainly her reputation as a terrible housekeeper at the White House is more well known than this thoughtful, helpful volume. Perhaps uniquely, she includes a chapter on patriotism. “During the past forty or more years of world tension and trouble, we have often heard the words: “One hundred per cent American,” and “The American Way of Life.” These expressions are so general and vague that they probably mean many different things to different people. I have found that with some people they are used with a considerable sense of smugness and superiority coupled with an intolerance of people of other nations. All of us, and these people in particular, should remember that no amount of flag-waving, pledging allegiance, or fervent singing of the national anthem is evidence that we are patriotic in the real sense of the word.”

HOME ENTERTAINING: Entertaining in Washington, by Lucy Moorhead, is a valentine to her peer Washington hostesses when she was a Congressional wife. Men are hard to come by in this essentially feminine volume, “Full of froth and charm” according to the dust jacket. But “international bachelor” Michael Edwards is persuaded to share some of his party-giving tips, one of which is “Ganymedes.” “‘If you’re serving food and not just drinks, you need one bartender or waiter for ten or so. If you get over sixteen or eighteen people, you need two waiters to pick up. I often hire children of friends, which seems to go very well . . . ‘ My son Billy tells me Michael refers to these assistants as ‘Ganymedes.’ Ganymede was the only mortal allowed to serve the Greek gods.” That is a discreet way to disguise that Ganymede was kidnapped by the gods because of his “unusual beauty.”

LADIES FASHION: Etiquetteer does seem to go back to My Way of Life by Joan Crawford a lot, but Talking Through My Hats, the madcap memoir of Mad Hatter Lily Daché is actually a great deal more fun. “You may laugh if you like, but I say to you that hats play an important part in many things, and especially in romance. I have seen this proved, and after twenty years, I know it is true.” Best advice from Mme. Daché? “Next time do not be afraid to be frivolous.”

EDGY TITLES: Etiquetteer reviewed F*cking Good Manners by Simon Griffin in Volume 20. It remains a bracing read full of heavily spiced sensible advice.

CORRESPONDENCE: Lady and Gentleman’s Letter Writer and Guide to Politeness of 1863 contains sample correspondence on a wide variety of subjects, from business to courtship, as well as a lengthy section on “American Etiquette.” “Avoid a loud tone, particularly if speaking to ladies. By observing men of the world, you will perceive that their voices, as it were involuntarily, assume a softness as they address the sex; this is one of the most obvious proofs of intimacy with good society.”

RESTAURANTS AND NIGHT LIFE: Something about well-dressed well-behaved night life has always appealed to Etiquetteer, which is why Stork Club: America’s Most Famous Nightspot and the Lost World of Café Society by Ralph Blumenthal has such an honored place. Sherman Billingsley made getting past that gold chain at the door as difficult as possible, and he did have rules when you were lucky enough to get in (for instance, he absolutely forbade table-hopping). But the Stork Club represented Glamor for Americans throughout the world, and continues in this century to stand as a symbol of Manhattan night life.

HOUSEKEEPING AND SERVANTS: After her marvelous book Servants, Lucy Lethbridge put together Mind Your Manors: Tried-and-True British Household Cleaning Tips so we could see How They Did It. You may want to avoid housework yourself (Etiquetteer certainly does!), but discovering that you can clean a copper pan with a squeezed lemon and cooking salt, and how to operate early vacuum cleaners, provides an important appreciation of those who make life more Perfectly Proper for the rest of us.

ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN: The Gentry Man: A Guide for the Civilized Male, The Best of Gentry Magazine, 1951-1957 brings us back to the Perfectly Proper Gentleman on the Go of the mid-century, a sharp dresser who kept himself in shape and knew the latest about autos and art, cocktails and outdoor cooking. An invaluable portrait of the period of the Assured for the Aspirational.

CHILDREN’S BOOKS: What to Do When Your Mom or Dad Says . . . Be Kind to Your Guest! by Joy Berry guides young children through the hows and whys of inviting friends over to play. Delightfully illustrated with the cartoons of Bartholomew, there’s a big emphasis on consideration for others and sharing.

RANDOM: Mayflower Manners: Etiquette for Consenting Adults by the Mayflower Madam Herself, Sydney Biddle Barrows, with Ellis Weiner, is revolutionary for its period. The sentence “. . . we submit that good manners are, if anything, even more important in the bedroom than the dining room” could never have been written by Ms. Barrows’s predecessors. Published in 1990, it is also of its period in the way it addresses dating technology with its chapter on “Computer Bulletin Boards,” “a new and very stylized way for people to meet, greet, talk, flirt, and offend one another.” The technology has advanced significantly since then; unfortunately the behavior of most people hasn’t.

Perfectly Proper Penmanship, Vol. 21, Issue 6

Who writes any more? The stratospheric rise of technology makes the pen feel as obsolete as the corset or the buggy whip*. And you would expect anyone whose first attempts at cursive earned him the nickname Chickenscratch to look askance at an observation like National Handwriting Day, which is today. But here is Etiquetteer, Producer of Puzzling Penmanship, once again advocating for Perfectly Proper Handwritten Correspondence.

Because the pen is no longer the only communications tool we have, it’s taken on additional symbolism. A handwritten note communicates both effort and sincerity, that a writer has “taken some trouble” to share something with you. This is just as true for the sentence scribbled under the signature of a printed letter as it is for a Lovely Note on a notecard. Emojis just aren’t the same. Julia Cameron, creator of The Artist’s Way, has said “It is important to write by hand because there is a direct line from the heart to the hand.” She is correct.

Old words about handwriting offer evergreen advice. From The Gentleman’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness of 1860**, Cecil B. Hartley teaches us “. . . you should make it a point to write a good hand; clear, legible, and at the same time easy, graceful, and rapid. This is not so difficult as some persons imagine, but like other accomplishments, it requires practice to make it perfect. You must write every word so clearly that it cannot be mistaken by the reader, and it is quite an important requisite to leave sufficient space betwen the words to render each one separate and distinct. If your writing is crowded, it will be difficult to read, even though each letter is perfectly well formed.”

The problem, of course, is that in this century many schools have stopped teaching cursive writing, which Etiquetteer can describe as Not Perfectly Proper at best and an Utter Disaster at worst.*** One significant disadvantage is that These Kids Today don’t know how to read cursive, which is a) a detriment, and b) leads to intergenerational mishaps like this one. Remember the words of the late Mame Dennis: “Mr. Babcock, Knowledge is Power!”

To embrace handwriting as a meditative, considered act, That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much (and Writes Such an Atrocious Hand) recently acquired a fountain pen, an Estie Sunflower from Esterbrook, often thought of as the acme of elegance. Let me tell you, loading an ink cartridge for the first time is absolutely terrifying, and I had to put on rubber gloves to get a secure grip****. You really have to press hard to get that cartridge in! But now that the hard part is over with, I must say, it’s a true pleasure to write with, and I predict some more considered Lovely Notes streaming forth from my desk in the future.

Etiquetteer wishes you the Joy of Perfect Propriety today as you yourself put pen to paper, preferably in a Lovely Note.

*And yet, those items still have their devotees . . .

**Reprinted 2014 by Hesperus Press, a thoughtful and Perfectly Proper gift last Christmas.

***Though some states have passed their own laws requiring it. More on that, and other benefits of cursive writing, may be found here.

****You will surely be able to accomplish this with less drama than I. Esterbrook also provides a helpful video tutorial.

Tea, Vol. 21, Issue 5

"Crisis or no, nothing should interfere with tea!" — Reginald Denny in Around the World in Eighty Days

Etiquette always seems to be associated with weddings and tea parties more than anything — yes, even more than formal dinners. Since January turns out to be National Hot Tea Month*, what could be more Perfectly Proper than to look at that deceptively versatile occasion, afternoon tea.

Tea can be Extremely Formal or Carelessly Casual. Let’s face it, one of the great pleasures of Friendship is to sit down at the kitchen table with a dear friend and a pot of tea for a Good Long Visit. But there’s also nothing like a Perfectly Proper tea for just a few people in the front parlor or the dining room, with cookies, cakes, china cups, and Considered Conversation. If you’re the hostess, you could wear a tea gown — but caftans are decidedly unisex**.

A Perfectly Proper tea service includes a teapot, a teakettle for boiling water, a sugar bowl, cream pitcher, and a slops bowl. You will also need a little plate for lemon slices, and Etiquetteer uses old china egg cups for artificial sweetener packets. The slops bowl is to pour out anything with errant tea leaves in it, or cold dregs before getting a fresh hot cup.

Emily Post says that any and all water involved in making tea has to be boiling. “The least amount of water not actually bubbling as it is poured over tea leaves turns the flavor to hay! (A fact that not one hotel in a thousand takes note of!)”*** A well-stocked pantry will include a teakettle designed to sit in a stand over a spirit lamp, like this one at the Metropolitan Museum. Mrs. Post warns against lighting the spirit lamp until the tea tray is completely in place on its table, to avoid setting the maid on fire as she brings it in. This seems Perfectly Proper.

But just what on earth are you supposed to do if, like Etiquetteer, you simply have no such thing as a spirit lamp . . . or a maid? First, keep the guest list small — six or less — and second, as soon as the kettle on the stove has been emptied, refill and begin boiling more water immediately for eventual refills. (Etiquetteer expects to hear from readers in England about their own procedures, England being so very identified with tea.)

The typical tea hour has always been 4:00 PM, but we don’t often think about when it ends. Would you believe an afternoon tea could go as late as 7:00? That’s so late it eclipses the cocktail hour, which usually begins at 5:00!**** Why on earth can’t we combine these things? Actually . . . we already can. And that’s not a new thing. The New American Etiquette of 1941 said that “If men are present, cocktails and champagne are often passed by servants who bring them from the kitchen were they were mixed and poured.”***** Dorothy Draper in her madcap book Entertaining Is Fun! suggests having a bottle of rum on the tea table in case anyone wants “the extra flourish of a teaspoonful in their cup.”****** Mrs. Draper — she really is quite insane, but Etiquetteer just loves her — even suggests serving tea at a cocktail party, which seems excessive.

We are so used to the image of tea being poured by a lady on a sofa in a drawing room that we forget that tea may also be served with Perfect Propriety in the dining room. Nicholas Fairford shows us how to set a dining table for four for an elegant tea (with champagne) in this video. To Etiquetteer, “dining room tea” implies heartier fare, a meal rather than a snack — for instance, a Welsh rarebit. In Entertaining in Washington*******, Lucy Moorhead describes an aprés-ski tea offered by Anne Taylor in Vail including mugs of hot tomato soup, savory sandwiches, and a charcuterie board among all the usual cakes and cookies. “Tea in the Taylor style,” she says “would be a fine wrap-up for any afternoon, and relatively easy and inexpensive. And different from the inevitable cocktail party, with its hors d’oeuvres and the expense of the drinks.”

However you take your tea, Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper and Piping Hot Cup.

*Etiquetteer just loves how the internet comes up with these holidays! But then you knew that already.

**Etiquetteer has written about tea gowns and caftans before.

***Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage, by Emily Post, 1950 edition, page 138. Just to be clear, those exclamation points are Mrs. Post’s, so she really means business when she says the water must be boiling!

****Just to be clear, that exclamation point is Etiquetteer’s, and Etiquetteer certainly likes the cocktail hour to begin at 5:00 PM sharp!

*****The New American Etiquette, by Lily Haxworth Wallace, page 514. Really, we’ve moved beyond those sort of gender roles in this century, and if the ladies want a kick in their tea, or instead of their tea, Etiquetteer has no quibble with that.

******Entertaining Is Fun! by that madcap Dorothy Draper, 1941, page 17.

*******1978, pages 120-121. This oddity in Etiquetteer’s library is essentially a valentine by the author to other Washington hostesses of the era with loving descriptions of their clothes, homes, and parties.

Awkward Questions, Vol. 21, Issue 5

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have recently found myself in a situation that many have, or sadly will, experience as we get older, and know and love more people.

A lovely older couple has become dear to me since my move to another state. I am guessing they are in their early eighties. The man in this couple has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It feels like I should send condolences, yet he is not dead — just diagnosed with a disease that there is no coming back from, and is already causing extra anxiety and stress for his wife.

Besides listening and being a good friend, is there anything in terms of etiquette to help guide the situation? Ignoring it seems wrong, but bringing it up seems awkward. What to do?

Dear Neighbor:

No, ignoring an Alzheimer’s diagnosis doesn’t work, but neither does underlining it. “Get well soon,” the classic good wish, does feel less than Perfectly Proper here. “Listening and being a good friend,” actually — being present — makes an enormous difference. When speaking with the wife, you can certainly acknowledge how new and challenging things must be since the diagnosis, and offer to help as much as you’re able. Continued kindness and patience on your part, while simple and unexeceptional, are the truest Perfect Propriety.

You don’t indicate whether or not this couple has family or other friends who are assisting them at this time, or if they are negotiating the healthcare system on their own — which is bewildering even on good days. It may be that a geriatric care manager could provide some essential guidance.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Recently I corresponded with an old friend from school. I had rather a crush on her mother when I was in high school, despite the fact that she taught math, my least favorite subject. I wanted to ask my friend if her mother was still alive, a natural thing to ask — I thought. But it occurred to me that it was perhaps indelicate. Do you think this is something to ask someone whose parents are very likely no longer living? She would be in her nineties, at least. This question occurs to me fairly often.

Dear Former Student:

The way you’ve posed this query shows that you’re most focused on expecting to hear about Dear Teacher’s death more than anything else. Change that focus from soliciting information to sharing a happy memory of Dear Teacher with your friend, her daughter. Lead off with something like “You know, I can’t think about the old high school without remembering how wonderful your mother was, even if she did teach my least favorite subject” — rather than “I’ve been wondering how your mother is” or, more gracelessly, “Has your mother died yet?”

This will give your friend the opportunity to share her mother’s current state. And if she doesn’t, it is not inappropriate for you to follow up with “Please tell her how much I remember her,” which should certainly get the information you seek.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have been somewhat estranged from my father, after many tumultuous family battles and breakdowns, and have been his caretaker off and on for a number of years on a number of occasions, due to family throwing up their arms in frustration and disbelief. He recently passed, and I feel remarkably relieved about this chapter of my life having ended, despite typically being the most emotional in my family. I feel grounded and resolved, and that a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. Years of therapy seem to have allowed me to move on earlier than many of my relatives. Everyone in my family is still expecting me to fall apart, but I find the opposite true as they all fall apart around me. 

In the background of this challenging period, I keep hearing "(I Feel) Nothing" from A Chorus Line, and questioning if that is really true for me. My greatest difficulty comes with my not wanting to announce my father's death to friends, as I really don't want sympathy or condolences for someone I grieved over ages ago.

So I really feel I am at peace with this particular moment in time. My role now is to be the healer for a broken family, and to offer being the strong and supportive one, to their unrest. Is this an unreal role of stoicism, but above all am I being cold and not "proper" by not announcing and not wanting condolences? I feel a selfishness (and somewhat guilty) to not make a fuss about this to the larger world at hand, and to be somewhat protective of my family as they too try to move on. What would be proper, protective, and polite in this situation?

Dear Bereaved and Relieved:

Thank you for reaching out to Etiquetteer at this time of many emotions, because Death is a time of many emotions for survivors. Grief, sadness, uncertainty, relief, humor, even joy -- they all surface, and not always in easily explained ways. We understand now that repression of emotion has its own negative consequences; the cult of mourning that Queen Victoria started in the 19th century did more harm than good in Etiquetteer's view. 

Etiquetteer thinks your situation isn't all that uncommon, feeling relief at the death of a family member. And yet as a society we still don't look that favorably on celebrating a death, even when the deceased was particularly difficult. Etiquetteer remembers one family that handled an obituary with dignity by including the lyric "He did it his way." It was discreet enough to indicate Rugged Individualism, but also a coded message for intimates of particular difficulties. 

Repressing emotions is one thing, but repressing information is quite another. Death remains significant, and an announcement close to the time will at least put off years of random questions like "How's your father doing?" (See above.) A "proper, protective, and polite" announcement on your Preferred Social Media Platform needs to include four things: basic information about your father, including a link to an online obituary, if any; a request to respect the privacy of you and your family by not reaching out with condolences, brief reassurance that you are doing well, and gratitude for kind thoughts and prayers from a distance. Saying you don't need or want condolences could come across as callous, which Etiquetteer knows is not what you want; that may make people feel you are rejecting them. 

Here's a template; alter as needed:

"My father [Insert Name Here] died on [Date] at [Place] after a period of declining health. I am at peace, and concentrating on being present for my family. We grieve better in private, and I thank you in advance for respecting our privacy by not reaching out with condolences. Your kind prayers and healing thoughts will be felt in our hearts."

Be sure to disable comments underneath the post to prevent a string of "Sorry about your loss" replies from well-meaning friends who didn't read carefully. 

Please be patient with those who may reach out with condolences anyway; they will really want only to express their love for you, particularly if they are aware of how tough your relationship with your father really was. You will still need to reply to them, but you can be very brief, nothing more than "Thanks so much for thinking of me at this time of many emotions."

Dunking, Vol. 21, Issue 4

“ . . .I used to love my crackers and buttermilk, or my buttermilk and cornbread, in the afternoon. I like to smash it all up in my glass and eat it with a spoon. But you cain’t eat in public like you can at home . . . can you?”

— Ninny Threadgoode in Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café, by Fannie Flagg

To dunk, or not to dunk? That is the question. Emily Post, may she rest in peace, came out firmly against the practice in her foundational volume Etiquette. The 1937 edition gives no quarter: “Don’t dunk, although it is an approved practise* in certain sections of the country. According to the precepts of etiquette, ‘dunking’ bread or doughnuts into coffee is rated very little above eating with a knife.”** By the 1950 edition she had altered her admonition a bit: “Don’t dunk, although it is an approved practice in lunch wagons—according to the movies.”*** But why did Mrs. Post switch the focus of her disapproval from regionalism to the movies? It couldn’t have been Alice Faye trying to persuade James Ellison to dunk his doughnuts in The Gang’s All Here, could it? And why did Mrs. Post even need to mention dunking in the first place, since there’s no reference to it in her first edition of 1922?

The answer, oddly enough, has nothing to do with coffee and everything to do with famously assassinated Louisiana populist Huey Long. Long, “The Kingfish,” started a big kerfuffle with the editor of the Atlanta Constitution about dunking cornbread in potlikker**** in 1931. Huey was an unrepentant dunker, and his Atlanta opponents fierce advocates for crumbling the cornbread or cornpone into the potlikker instead. The national uproar eventually involved a few governors and other elected officials, and The New York Times tried to get Mrs. Post to take a firm stand one way or the other.

For good or ill, the best she could come up with was the Classic Old Advice “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” According to the Times, she would not “take sides with either Governor Huey Long of Louisiana, who dunks his corn pone, or those who oppose him on the ground that the only right thing to do is to crumble it. ‘I can’t set down rules that conflict with neighborhood customs,’ she said.” But this is Etiquetteer’s favorite part of the article. “It’s better not to be uppish about, though.” Because let’s face it, people can really tell you have good manners when they don’t have to look up your nostrils because your nose is always in the air.

So that, Etiquetteer suspects, is why Mrs. Post felt she had to speak out about dunking in subsequent editions of Etiquette, and then years later, when Long’s memory had faded, pivot her disapproval toward Hollywood. However you enjoy your potlikker, Etiquetteer would still rather not hear about anyone dunking into their coffee or tea, though.

Pro-dunking populist Huey Long.

*”Practise” is how she spelled it. Don’t go accusing Etiquetteer of a typgraphical error this time.

**Pages 753-754.

***Pages 494-495.

****You’ll find a definition of potlikker here. “Potlikker” is the Perfectly Proper spelling. “Pot liquor” is pretentious and highfalutin’, and we have no truck with it.

Old-Fashioned Party Ideas, Vol. 21, Issue 3

Back before the pandemic, Etiquetteer always said that we needed some sort of party to keep us going in January after the excitement of the holiday season. Now, as Year Two of the pandemic draws to a close, Etiquetteer cannot help but remember the words of the late Crystal Allen: “Well baby, that goes double!” Perhaps that’s why Etiquetteer turned to the pages of Dame Curtsey’s Book of Novel Entertainments for Every Day of the Year for inspiration. It might also be that Etiquetteer has an important birthday coming up at the end of the month . . . Some of Dame Curtsey’s 1907 ideas can be charming, but others make any 21st-century person want to ask “What on earth was she thinking, or smoking?”

Most of Dame Curtsey’s parties can be boiled down to colorful paper decorations, novelty placecards, and guessing games — both for children and for adults. A “Dutch Supper” involves extensive use of Delft china*, orange paper doilies (“If it is possible, do not use a tablecloth,”) wooden shoes, and anything shaped like a tulip, including tulips. She also suggests serving a Dutch menu with menu cards in Dutch, “much to the mystification of the guests.”

Maybe Etiquetteer is just getting a wee bit too old and crotchety, but having to guess what’s on the menu, no matter how humorously presented, seems to tax one’s Party Spirit. For instance, for a “Rhyme Luncheon,” what do you think this little poem on the menu might represent?

I’m hard to get for I love the wet,

I’m conservative, men say.

But now I’m caught, and hither brought

I start the meal today.

If you didn’t guess “clam bouillon,” then you’re in for a disappointment. Actually, you might be in for a disappointment if you did, too.

Some of Dame Curtsey’s ideas for costume party themes, however, show delightful innovation. Her “coiffure dinner” doesn’t require anyone to come up with an entire costume, but only with headgear that suggests a personality or allegory, “a period or person.” Just stick some orange leaves and a few grapes in your hair and you’re Autumn, that sort of thing. “The funny man of the crowd had a wire bed-spring fastened on either side of his head, from which hyacinths and daffodils apparently were growing. Of course he was called ‘Spring.’”

Communities that still get cold in winter could hold a chocolate party, which Dame Curtsey calls a “chocolateier” and which Eitquetteer has seen elsewhere spelt “chocolataire.” “To be up-to-date give a ‘Chocolateier,’ for there are very few who do not like this most comforting of winter beverages.” Dame Curtsey provides a few “kinks” to improve your hot chocolate: adding cinnamon, or hot coffee, egg yolks, or whipping with an egg beater just before serving. “Serve graham wafers, brown and white bread sandwiches, candied orange peel, and ginger. Light the room with candles and have a flower or two in vases a la japonaise.” Doesn’t it sound cozy?

It is really too bad that Dame Curtsey’s ideas for January give out with Twelfth Night, which was last week. On the other hand, Etiquetteer is One of Those People who could live quite happily going from chocolateier to chocolateier every day of the year.

*Or Delft acting and appearing china. “Imitation ware is very effective and very cheap.”

Hugging, Vol. 21, Issue 2

The classic advice has always been “A gentleman never forces his attention on a lady.” And in the workplace, this classic advice becomes gender neutral and also more behavior specific: a colleague never forces one’s physical attention on another colleague. So what on earth are we to make of pro-hugging executives like Leah McGowen-Hare at Salesforce, who introduced color-coded wristbands at a company staff conference to communicate physical contact preferences? This was not the sort of thing Etiquetteer expected to ponder yesterday until a dear friend and reader forwarded this piece from The New York Times that is really about the resurgence of the wristband industry.

Etiquetteer’s first thought was that, if a male executive has proposed this system, his motives would have been immediately suspect. Hugging, essentially a social behavior, belongs rarely if at all in an office environment*. Just because you’re pro-hugging doesn’t automatically make that preference Perfectly Proper Workplace Conduct. Even without the coronavirus pandemic forcing us to reevaluate how we feel about touching People Outside One’s Bubble, there’s enough to worry about without having to learn a color-coded Hugging Preferences System.

Then Etiquetteer remembered, just at the start of the pandemic in February, 2020, the nonsense about “the L.A. Hug” (also in the Times)**. Two years in, there’s no denying that many of us do miss a physical embrace — but the workplace is really still not the place to seek it. Here’s the system Etiquetteer would prefer everyone learn at the office, regardless of Hugging Preference:

• Back off. There will be no hugging.

• Handshakes remain Perfectly Proper, but during the pandemic they may be declined with no loss of honor to either party.

• Fist bumps and elbow bumps have become Perfectly Proper during the pandemic, and may remain with us long after.

• No, the heinie wiggle is not appropriate for the workplace. Really, people.

It would be much more Perfectly Proper to go back to bowing our heads in greeting. So dignified, graceful, and unisex. Etiquetteer fears that would feel too cold and old-fashioned to too many people, alas.

Pro-huggers may say banning office hugging is unnatural, but Etiquetteer will always respond with the upright words of Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen: “Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put on this earth to rise above.”

Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper work day in which the integrity of your physical space is respected.

*This could, perhaps, be debated in different types of work environments, such as the performing arts (in which Etiquetteer has personal experience), and restaurants (mentioned more than once in the comments section of that Times article. But Etiquetteer is not here to debate that today.

**You can read Etiquetteer’s thoughts on that here.

Social Media, Vol. 21, Issue 1

On New Year’s Eve Etiquetteer closed out volume 20 with a different sort of New Year’s resolution idea: instead of making the world (or yourself) better, why not stop what you do that makes the world ugly? Social Media Dialogue (or what passes for it) might just be the single greatest dumpster fire threatening Perfect Propriety today. So of course Etiquetteer is looking at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who still — after concerted effort — could respond with less heat and more light to certain online discussions. He was quite right on New Year’s Eve to say he needed to make his contributions “less immediate and more considered.” It will save Etiquetteer having to poke him with that rapier so much.

But perhaps you have noticed some reminder messages that have begun appearing on a couple platforms in the last few weeks? Etiquetteer was quite put out when first seeing the popup “Help keep Instagram a supportive place. Remember to follow our Community Guidelines and be respectful when messaging others.” Just why was this showing up in Etiquetteer’s IG inbox? Etiquetteer is not contributing to this problem! And a random survey of IG followers indicates that this message does not show up universally, which made Etiquetteer even huffier. As Dear Mother used to say “The innocent suffer for the guilty.” But there are probably many Instagram users who are choosing their words more carefully as a result, and that’s a good thing.

On Twitter, the universal message is "Some conversations can get heavy. Don't forget the human behind the screen." And since Twitter is famous for the inflammatory and rapid-fire nature of its interchanges, Etiquetteer agrees that this is something every Twitter user should see. What would really make a difference on this platform — and others, but especially Twitter — is accelerated removal of bots and Obviously Fake Accounts. Twitter invites us not to “forget the human behind the screen,” but more often than not it’s not a human behind the screen, but a bot. It may be too late to Save Twitter for Perfect Propriety; let’s see what the New Year holds.

As you evaluate your own social media usage in the New Year, here are a few things to consider:

• Simplify. Review your entire portfolio of social media platforms, and perhaps delete those which are no longer serving you well. If it feels like an obligation to log in, that might be a sign.

• Pause. When you read something that makes your temperature rise, don’t give into that urge to flame out right away. Especially if it’s someone you know personally (you are surely going to keep knowing this person a long time after your reply) and especially if it’s a total stranger (who will not care, and who might actually be a bot anyway). And particularly in the latter case, it’s often better not to engage.

• Research. Just because someone put it on the internet doesn’t make it true. Get the facts on your own, and then decide whether or not to respond. Yes, that could take more time than you want.

• Block/Report. Etiquetteer recommends blocking bots, spam, and Obviously Fake Accounts whenever encountered. Your criteria may vary, but on Instagram Etiquetteer routinely blocks any account having anything to do with a) cryptocurrency, Bitcoin, Forex, etc., b) accounts purporting to be single women looking for serious relationships, c) empty accounts with no profile picture, zero posts, and ten times the number of followers than following. On Twitter — mercy, some of them are just so obvious. Much better just to leave the platform. Honestly.

Etiquetteer wishes you a New Year of Perfectly Proper Social Media Interactions — even if that means you decide to retreat from social media for your mental health, which is often the Most Perfectly Proper thing to do.

New Year's Resolution Complete, Vol. 20, Issue 100

For this final column of Volume 20, Etiquetteer is ceding the podium to That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much. Let’s just see what he does with it.

Well, we made it! As we cross the finish line into the New Year at midnight, we should all give each other a pat on the back for having preserved as much of our Perfect Propriety as we could. Did you make a New Year’s resolution a year ago? Did you go as far with it as you thought you might? Even if not, give yourself credit for whatever you put into it, and think about a different resolution for 2022. I cannot remember where I saw this recently*, but in a piece about making New Year’s resolutions, someone suggested “Make a resolution you want to keep.” That really gives a new slant to the whole idea of a resolution, now doesn’t it?

For myself — and Etiquetteer, glaring over my shoulder — today marks the successful completion of a New Year’s resolution: a year of 100 published columns, a milestone I’ve long wished to achieve. Some, I can say with Possibly Pardonable Pride, came out extremely well**. Others . . . well, nobody really ought to see how the sausage is made. But as Julia Cameron says in The Artist’s Way, “God, you take care of the quality. I will take care of the quantity.”

In 2022, I’m going to make sure Etiquetteer resolves to produce another 100 columns, starting day after tomorrow — which will also commence Etiquetteer’s birthday month. Yes, Etiquetteer turns 21 on Sunday, January 30! And while the pandemic is 99.99999999999% likely to keep me from having an in-person celebration, I can anticipate some special January content leading up to the day.

So often when people make a resolution, it’s about being better, about making the world a better place. This year let’s approach that from the opposite end of the spectrum. Whatever you do that’s ugly, that puts ugliness out in the world — stop that. Think about how you manifest ugliness in the world — I’m not going to speculate about what that might be, you know yourself better than I do — but I know for myself I need to react less quickly to — how shall I say this? — inflammatory and false social media content. I’m not the only one contributing to what’s grandly termed the National Discourse, and I am sometimes one of those who contribute to making it Less Grand and More . . . . More What We Don’t Want. I need to make whatever I’m contributing less immediate and more considered.

Sometimes at the end of the year I’ve put together a Year in Review column to look back at Notable Lapses in Perfect Propriety. But in a year that started with an unprecedented insurrection, I simply didn’t have the stomach for it. So as we approach midnight, I’ll offer as I have in the past Lady Jane Marryot’s toast from Noel Coward’s Cavalcade:

“Let’s drink to the hope that one day this country of ours, which we love so much, will find dignity and grace and peace again.”

And in the words of the late Norma Desmond, “Happy New Year, darling.

* If you find it, please do send me the information.

** Browse through the index for your favorites. Squarespace is a little wonky with the index page, so if nothing appears, please refresh the page.

Victorian New Year Traditions, Vol. 20, Issue 99

New Year comes in only a couple days, so Etiquetteer wanted to take a look at some old traditions, some of which could stand a comeback (once the pandemic is over).

Once upon a time New Year’s Day was more celebrated than Christmas, which Etiquetteer rather likes. Victorian families entertained on New Year's Day with an “at home,” what we would call an open house. These took place from noon to 6 PM. Refreshments offered at these gatherings could be light and consist of tea or punch with cookies, or the hostess might present a “groaning board” symbolizing plenty in the year to come. One impressive menu from the 1880s included the following: “Cold turkey, cold ham, chicken, tongue, scalloped oysters, crustless sandwiches, chicken salad, lobster salad, cole slaw, sweet pickles, relishes and condiments, olives, and celery; cakes, pies, ice cream, ices, cookies, petit fours: baskets of sliced cake (fruit, layer, and sponge); nuts, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, lemonade, punch.” Remember the words of the late Billie Holliday: “You can help yourself, but don’t take too much.”

Ladies did not go out on New Year’s Day; they stayed at home and received, while the gentlemen made the rounds to as many houses as they could manage. No invitations were necessary to gain admittance to one of these affairs, since people were expected to “know their places.” As a result, anyone who presented a calling card and was “respectably dressed” was welcome, even in the White House as late as the post-Civil-War era.

Yes, the White House! The New Year's Day reception used to be a very important part of the White House social season, but it would be hard work for the President and First Lady to stand in a receiving line to shake hands with the thousands of people who showed up. Clever First Ladies discovered that they could avoid shaking hands at all by holding a bouquet. 

Why don't we have New Year's Day receptions like this any longer? First off, too many strange men kept showing up just to toss off a glass of punch and move on, and second, the Great War and Prohibition changed many social traditions, not just related to the holidays. Gradually New Year's Eve and Christmas took a larger share of the spotlight.

Even while the custom was going on, there were those who wanted to keep alcohol out of it. Dame Curtsey suggested in her Book of Novel Entertainments for Every Day of the Year: “No matter what the custom of the family may be, wines or liquors of any kind should not be served in New Year’s callers. Imagine the condition of a visitor who pays 20 or 30 calls in rapid succession and partakes even of a small quantity in each place. This is a point upon which all hostesses should agree for at least one day in the year. There are many attractive beverages and many dainty things to serve, but only viands of the lightest character should be the rule.”

Many New Year’s traditions are influenced by Scotland, where Hogamanay remains popular to this day. It wsa a custom to bring gifts of bread, salt, coal, and/or whiskey, because those indicated prosperity. And it was especially important for the first person to enter the house in the New Year to bring them; this is the tradition of the First Foot. Back in the day it was considered cheating to have a party guest or a member of the household step outside just before midnight and then come back in again, but nowadays we are more forgiving of that convenient tinkering with tradition. “Blondes foretold trouble,” so tall, dark-haired men were preferred for First Footers. Interestingly, while the custom of the First Foot might lead readers to infer it was a medieval or ancient tradition, it is actually traceable only to 1850 or so, making it an authentically Victorian practice.

New Year’s gifts traditionally exchanged after the first foot were often symbolic of wealth: gilded nutmegs, oranges stuck with cloves, and papers of pins all have clear connections to money and coins. Another tradition tied to the idea of promoting prosperity in the coming year included the belief that a person, no matter how young, should have money in his or her pocket on New Year’s day, or risk poverty.

Among the things that were unlucky on the first day of the year were throwing out ashes (the hearth should be cleaned before midnight on the 31st, so that a new fire could be laid), doing laundry specifically (presumably because this required the throwing out of dirty water), or any kind of work in general. Also unlucky was having the fire leave the house, either in the form of a lantern or candle being carried out, or having the fire in the stove or hearth go out.

The idea of one’s actions at the turn of the year setting the course for the next 12 months seems to be deeply ingrained into many of these traditions and beliefs. It is interesting to think about how they appear to have evolved into a practice of determining one’s own actions by making resolutions. Victorians focused more on predicting events to come than resolving to shape them. 

One predictive tradition is that whatever one is doing at the time the bells chime midnight, is what one will be doing for the most part of the new year; this is no doubt in part responsible for the tradition of staying up at least until midnight – lying in bed might predict illness or incapacity. And it would certainly explain the popularity of kissing your beloved at midnight!

Divining the future was an important feature of celebrating the New Year for Victorians, and they used quite a few methods to do so. Reading tea leaves is familiar to us, but the Victorians would also read ashes. Bibliomancy was also popular. This was opening up a book, usually the Bible, and using the first sentence to predict the New Year. Interestingly, predicting the future was engaged in more by the Victorians than setting New Year’s resolutions the way we do, to achieve personal goals or encourage more Perfectly Proper behavior.

However you choose to celebrate the New Year — of course Etiquetteer believes you need to stay up until midnight, but knows that many prefer not to — Etiquetteer wishes you health, safety, prosperity, and of course Perfect Propriety in 2022.

Recipe for a Perfectly Proper Thank You Note, Vol. 20, Issue 98

December 26, aside from being Boxing Day where that is observed, is now recognized as National Thank You Note Day, to underscore the obligation to express written gratitude for all those Christmas gifts received the day before. Many people fear this task because they either don’t know what to say, can’t think of anything original to say, or didn’t actually like or want the gift. People . . . this doesn’t have to be a fraught process! When you break down a Lovely Note into its elements, it’s quite easy to write something that someone else will be very happy to receive.

First, you start with the gift-giver’s name in the salutation. “Dear Grandma,” for instance. You’re already off to a great start. Then you need to include somewhere in your Lovely Note exactly what the gift was, and the words “thank you” or “thanks.” People are afraid of the “Thank you for the [Insert Gift Here]” sentence because it sounds lifeless. We can leaven this lump with other ingredients.

Those are mostly feelings: how you felt when you opened the box, how you feel about the gift, and how you feel about the giver. “As soon as I opened the box and saw [Insert Gift Here], I knew it had to be from you,” for instance, highlights the gift less than it does your relationship with the giver. “Every year your thoughtfulness makes my holiday brighter. The [Insert Gift Here] really adds something to our rooms. Thank you.” It’s brief — a Lovely Note never has to go on and on — it’s specific, and it sounds sincere.

The final ingredient, of course, is promptness. Lovely Notes served to the postman the next day taste better on receipt!

There will be Those People who will say “Etiquetteer, I don’t like the gift or the giver, and just what am I supposed to do about that?” And Etiquetteer will tell you to start this recipe with a deep, cleansing breath, write that Lovely Note to focus on the giver’s thoughtfulness (however unsatisfactory it might be to you), and then regift or donate the Gift in Question elsewhere. And in the New Year, you can perhaps communicate a bit more about your interests with the Giver(s) so that they understand what might appeal to you more (e.g. “I’ve really become more interested in [Insert Topic Here] and have been reading up on it a lot.”)*

Here’s the Perfectly Proper Procedure in recipe form. Now, let’s all head to our writing desks and get cookin’!

RECIPE FOR A PERFECTLY PROPER LOVELY NOTE

Ingredients

• Stationery

• Pen(s) in good working order

• Name of Gift Giver

• Specific gift(s) for which giver is being thanked

• The words “Thank you” or “Thanks,” to taste

• Your Name

• Envelope

• Address of Gift Giver

• Return address

• Postage stamps

Method

• On stationery, take pen and begin salutation with “Dear [Insert Name of Gift Giver].

• Combine the next four ingredients to taste, legibly, for Lovely Note. Don’t omit anything, which will compromise results.

• Close with your name.

• Fold stationery, insert in envelope, and seal.

• Apply Giver’s name and address, return address, and postage.

• Leave on salver in the front hall for footman to take to the post office. (Deliver to post office yourself if footmen are unobtainable.)

*For instance, Etiquetteer had sent someone a gift of chocolates one year, and took note some months later when a hint was dropped that, medically, chocolates were Not At All Suitable for that person.

Christmas Cards and Saturnalia Invitations, Vol. 20, Issue 97

Etiquetteer finally knuckled down last week to the delightful but involved holiday ritual of writing Christmas cards. Naturally a few things came up that may assist you in future years.

First off, my goodness people, put your return address on the envelope. This is especially important if your signature inside is illegible. Etiquetteer received at least two Lovely Cards signed with a Charming But Indecipherable Scrawl, and no return address for a clue. Who are they?! The other reason it’s important is when your address has changed and everyone doesn’t know it. More than one card arrived from an address different from the one in Etiquetteer’s spreadsheet . . .

One card, humorously addressed to “Etiquetteer, Esq.” got Etiquetteer to thinking about the Perfectly Proper usage of that Elegant Suffix. And when delivered with Humor, Esq. is Absolutely Delightful. The team at the Emily Post Institute always put us on the Perfectly Proper Path, this time with the reminder that the Esq. suffix should only be used for Actual Lawyers when you are corresponding with them in their legal capacity. But social correspondence only requires the person’s Preferred Prefix. So Mr. Legal Eagle, Esq. is incorrect.

Speaking of prefixes, so few people seem to remember them now, either for themselves or their addressees. It’s already tragic enough that the salutation “Dear [Insert Name Here]” seems to be on its last legs. Must we also lose our honorifics? These ornaments of language certainly have a place in our communications; please, let’s not neglect them.

Finally — and this is more for the stationers than anyone else — yes, red and green are Christmas colors, but dark envelopes are so difficult to read, especially for our long-suffering letter carriers. White or cream would be better. (Etiquetteer is going to have to check on That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who might actually be using red envelopes this year. Oops.)

Etiquetteer wishes Joy and Patience to those of you who, like Etiquetteer, are still laboring to send out cards.

The meme that inspired a query.

Dear Etiquetteer:

In this Christian environment, how does one go about writing a perfectly proper invite for Saturnalia?

Dear Saturnalian Prompted By a Meme:

Because almost everyone is unaware of what exactly goes into this ancient Roman celebration of the god Saturn, you will want to be specific about what you’re planning, and how you expect your guests to participate. A good old-fashioned Roman Saturnalia took place over several days in mid-December* and involved feasting (both public and private), role reversal (both cross-dressing and, more important, of slaves and masters), the giving of gifts of nominal value** or gag gifts, and electing a King of the Saturnalia, whose “capricious” commands would have to be obeyed. Two of the examples given on Wikipedia include “Sing naked!” and “Throw him in cold water!” Unfortunately this calls to mind Vincent Price in The Masque of the Red Death, and absolutely none of it could be described as Perfectly Proper — which was probably the point.

Write up your invitation with the usual who, what, when, where, driving directions, and parking, and then reread it. Scan your proposed guest list and cross out anyone you think might be even the least bit offended. An invitation might look something like this:

IO SATURNALIA!

[Host(s)] beckon you to a

Feast of Saturnalia on [date] at [location] from [start time] to [end time].

We all reverse roles during Saturnalia, so expect both to serve and be served at dinner. We’ll draw lots to elect a King*** of Saturnalia, who must be obeyed — no matter what!

Dress: Your own interpretation of cenatoria, ancient Roman dinner clothes — colorful and easy to drop.

Please bring: Candles to give and receive, and a permissive spirit.

R.s.v.p. to [address] by [deadline].

If you receive a lot of responses with “unable to accept,” you’ll know who not to invite to subsequent Revelry of This Sort. But really, this invitation is probably the closest you’ll ever get Saturnalia to Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer doesn’t really think they’re supposed to meet.

*Ending right about now, so file this column to take out next November when you start planning.

**Sigillaria, gifts made of wax, often candles.

***The ancient Romans elected a King of Saturnalia. Etiquetteer suggests you elect a King, Queen, or Ruler of Saturnalia, depending on whose name ends up being drawn.

OmiChristmas Entertaining: One Solution, Vol. 20, Issue 96

The Omicron variant of the coronavirus is spoiling everyone’s fun. But must it? It is definitely creating challenges for everyone who just wants this pandemic to be over. Etiquetteer came up with one solution — perhaps it will work for you.

For over 25 years Etiquetteer has hosted a New Year’s Day reception for perhaps 20 people, a time to exchange good wishes, old stories, and divine the future. But the cozy image of 14 gentlemen and ladies sipping tea and champagne almost shoulder to shoulder in a circle now comes with a sinister filter: the intangible threat of Omicron. Last January’s pre-vaccine gathering pivoted to Zoom, which had the advantage of welcoming Those At at Distance. One year later, with vaccinations and booster shots, more and more people are ready to socialize like the Before Times, but some caution is still necessary. What’s a welcoming way to accommodate everyone and reduce risk of virus transmission?

Etiquetteer may just have devised a plan based on the old ocean liner schedules: multiple seatings. Instead of one three-hour reception for all, two two-hour gatherings with limited capacity (1-3 PM and 6-8 PM) bracket at one-hour Zoom gathering (4-5 PM). Afternoon tea types can choose the earlier seating, cocktail types the latter, and Those At a Distance as well as the Omicron Averse can still join in the middle. No, it won’t have quite the same feel as a larger hullballoo, but it will still feel like a party. Master of a servantless household, Etiquetteer will need those one-hour breaks to clear away, clean up, and reset refreshments.

In general, Omicron entertaining needs to include a smaller guest list, more ostentatious ventilation (and/or air filtration), and depending on the weather, outdoor seating for those with an al fresco urge. Hosts are absolutely within their rights to ask their guests to bring proof of vaccination/booster status — they have an obligation to reduce risks as much as possible for all their guests — and if a guest knows that he or she is not vaccinated to the level required by the hosts (either by choice, necessity, or circumstance), Etiquetteer considers they have an obligation not to attend in person.

One last word about masks: on most of these occasions the overwhelming majority will prefer not to wear face masks. But there may be a few who, for whatever reason, prefer to remain masked. And that’s all right. Until the end of the pandemic (if it ever ends), we need to normalize masking. And if you’re one of those people who prefer to keep it on, that’s all you need to say: “I’d rather keep it on for the moment, thanks.”

Etiquetteer wishes you a safe, joyful, and Perfectly Proper holiday season.

Examples of Gift-Giving, Vol. 20, Issue 95

With Christmas Day ten days away, dancing sugar plums have not filled Etiquetteer’s head, but the way gifts are chosen has.

Unfortunately, some choose to give gifts in a spirit of malice. And no, Etiquetteer is not thinking about the traditional lump of coal left for bad children. As you know, Etiquetteer adores Miss Manners, the brilliant Judith Martin. Having first read her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Manners some 25 years ago, Etiquetteer is still haunted by the story of the mother-in-law who gave her vegetarian daughter-in-law a fur coat for Christmas — and then got angry when the daughter-in-law bested her by selling it and sending the proceeds to an animal rights organization. Well, really . . . what could she expect? It’s better not to give a gift at all if you can’t do so in the spirit of pleasing the giver.

The late Gertrude Lawrence* chose a happier, more whimsical path when picking out a gift for her husband’s sister Barbara. The family dynamic was tricky with the Aldriches. Barbara’s family looked down on Barbara and her husband Hamilton because of her previous divorce, Hamilton’s perpetually failing business ventures, her own career as a writer, and their chronic lack of funds. “Perhaps to atone for this [attitude],” wrote Richard Aldrich**, “Gertrude’s gifts to Barbara were always beautiful, costly, and impractical.” One year she sent them an ornamental orange tree for Christmas, six feet tall. “There it stood: beautiful, exotic, and incredible.” When a more conservative relative huffily suggested a check would have been better under the circumstances, Barbara shot back “You don’t know what that tree does for me. What hunger it feeds. But Gertrude knows. She understands because she has really hungered — not only for food, but for a touch of brightness and beauty, without which life can be so drab and empty.” Etiquetteer calls that a well-chosen gift.

Gertrude Lawrence, impishly deciding what to send you for Christmas.

Finally, there is the homemade gift designed for laughter and prompted by love. One Christmas long ago Dear Mother found a Christmas card with a Bible verse she found charming. Being talented with scissors, she snipped out the two faces and inserted photos of herself and Dear Father in their places, as a gift for him. It is quite possible he didn’t stop laughing for five minutes after he opened that envelope — who wouldn’t love a response like that? The card became an ornament every year for the Christmas tree, and Dear Father’s reaction to it one of the happiest Christmas memories.

Etiquetteer wishes you joy, and of course Perfect Propriety, as you conclude your own holiday shopping. Take a look at the gift guide if you need some ideas, and please do drop a line if you’re still stumped, or have other concerns about Holiday Perfect Propriety.

*A sadly neglected legend of 20th-century theatre. When she is recalled at all now, Gertrude Lawrence is remembered as the star of The King and I and as both inspiration and co-star of Noel Coward’s Private Lives. An actress of rare star quality, Agnes De Mille once said of her “Can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t act, but who cares?”

**Gertrude Lawrence as Mrs. A, by Richard Stoddard Aldrich.

Holiday Letter Anxiety, Vol. 20, Issue 94

Dear Etiquetteer:

I need your help now because it’s almost Christmas and I don’t have my letter ready. I should have written to you earlier, but I didn’t. Can I get away with not sending a letter?

For years now I’ve sent out a Christmas letter with family news with our Christmas cards. Some people tell me they look forward to it every year. This year I am just not feeling it. I cannot muster the energy to make a crappy year sound great. We’ve been hit by the pandemic, but not any worse than anyone else we know. I just feel like I’m letting people down if I can’t keep going with this tradition that people say they enjoy, but I am just empty of ideas. Is there any way I can just send cards and not deal with this?

Dear Lettering:

First of all, Etiquetteer wants you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way and that a lot of people are feeling the struggle to keep Christmas Christmassy this year. Whether it’s the pandemic, the personal, or the political, the pressure is palpable. Etiquetteer really wants you to sit down with someone close to you — someone in your family or a best friend — and talk through what’s on your mind. Remember that old saying: “A joy shared is a joy doubled, but a trouble shared is a trouble halved.”

Now, this may surprise you, but Etiquetteer will give you a complete pass on sending out holiday cards altogether. There’s no requirement to send them out; even the thought of mailing cards robs some folks of the True Spirit of Christmas. Besides, the general rule for striking someone off a holiday card list is three years of no word, so you’ve still got two years in the bank. If freedom from this task will help you regain some holiday spirit, then it’s worth saving the cards you bought this year for next year.

If you do decide to send cards, the bare minimum you need to write is “Love, [Insert Your Name Here].” As the spirit moves you, add individual notes like “Wishing you the best New Year” or “Merry Christmas” or “We all miss you so much” or something very specific to that person.

Should you mention the absence of your usual letter? Etiquetteer doesn’t think it’s necessary. If people ask about it, which could happen, you can quite honestly say “The spirit didn’t move me to write one this year, but maybe next year I’ll resume it” or “Things just got away from me this season. I appreciate you checking about it.” Remember the words of the late Roxie Hart: “Always leave ‘em wanting more.”

And frankly, going without a letter one year might remind your card list just how much they do appreciate hearing from you. In her book The Party, Sally Quinn wrote about her very popular New Year’s Eve party — but that some years she and her husband would just pass on the whole thing and have a nice quiet New Year’s at the country house. Sometimes their quiet would be shattered by a phone call from a friend standing outside their Washington home yelling “Where’s the party?!” Etiquetteer bets they didn’t take that invitation for granted in future years!

Whatever you decide, Etiquetteer wishes for you a lightening of the spirit, and joy in the holiday greetings you receive from others.

The Christmas Sweater, Vol. 20, Issue 93

Etiquetteer has been just about submerged in domestic disruption today, with workmen drilling through ceilings and switching off circuit breakers and drinking tea instead of coffee. Casting about for something, anything to get out of the maelstrom, Etiquetteer finally found the perfect lifeline: the Christmas sweater.

All holidays have their own form of dressing up, Hallowe’en and Mardi Gras especially. The Fourth of July includes just about anything red white and blue. Easter features anything with a bunny or eggs, especially if backed with pastels — and of course an Easter bonnet “with all the frills upon it.” Saint Patrick’s Day festoons us in green with shamrocks*. Memorial Day sees traditionalists like Etiquetteer lovingly break out their white shoes.

May also be worn with a necktie.

And so Those Who Celebrate Christmas frequently break out in red and green, in designs based on all manner of seasonal decoration, and the occasional Ugly Sweater. Etiquetteer certainly hasn’t followed the Rise of the Ugly Sweater over — how long has it been, 25 years? — but definitely acquired this one long before the Ugly Sweater became a trend, or even a tradition. While not deliberately designed for Christmas, it fills the bill admirably. After 35 years, Etiquetteer can’t imagine a Christmas without it.

Christmas sweaters may be worn almost anywhere with Perfect Propriety during the holiday season. Etiquetteer says almost because Situational Awareness is just as important a part of Perfect Propriety during the holidays as at any other time. You don’t want to hear cracks about Mary Magdalene when you’re wearing that “Ho! Ho! Ho!” sweater in church . . . or at the office party. And a sweater is never Perfectly Proper at anything black tie — even if the invitation said “festive black tie.”

“Don we now our gay apparel!” Etiquetteer suspects that you, too, have favorite Holiday Garb you are probably itching to don, and would love to hear about it.

*”And beer,” you might add. But if you’re wearing your beer, you’re doing it wrong.

Just as exuberant on the reverse.

Wish Lists, Vol. 20, Issue 92

Dear Etiquetteer:

For the past few years, a dear college friend has put out a wish list on [Insert Name of Behemoth Retailer Here] for her friends and family. At first, I bristled at the list because I had been buying gifts for her for years without the help of a list. And also, her first list came out too late for me: I usually do my holiday shopping in October.

But recently, I have found myself perusing her lists, and enjoying the journey through her books, music, cooking supplies, and other things that have made her life enjoyable. I've even been poaching from her list (and letting her know which things I have found enjoyable).

I'm embarrassed that I found her first list so disagreeable (I only confided this to one friend), and I now enjoy when her list comes up. I was wondering what Etiquetteer feels about wish/gift lists. On the one hand, the element of surprise in a gift is quite diminished. But on the other hand, I know for certain that my friend will definitely find joy in something from her list. As for myself, I still can't bring myself to thrust a list upon the people who are dear to me, but I know it might make their shopping decisions a bit easier.

Dear Shopping:

Whether Etiquetteer likes wish lists or not, they have definitely come to stay. Too many shoppers, anxious to find a gift that is guaranteed to please, will turn to them for Holiday Hints. And too many recipients want a simple way to answer the question “What would you like for [Insert Holiday of Your Choice Here] this year?” It’s important to acknowledge that, when used thoughtfully and with Perfect Propriety, wish lists help to reduce Holiday Shopping Anxiety.

And just what is the Perfectly Proper way to use a wish list? First, wait to share it until someone asks about it. it’s easy to look selfish when broadcasting a wish list far and wide without invitation — often like Happy Couples with their wedding registries. Perhaps Etiquetteer is overly sensitive, but wish lists sometimes seem so transactional, less an act of friendship and/or generosity than just . . . commerce. Surely the Spirit of [Insert Holiday of Your Choice Here] is less cold than that, yes? You yourself note how the sense of surprise is diminished when a wish list is involved. Etiquetteer agrees.

Next, Etiquetteer worries about recipients who expect gifts from the wish list and who hand out side-eye to friends and family who choose something else. Life hands us many things we do not expect, and often they are just what we didn’t know we actually wanted. Express gratitude for all gifts received — and follow up with a Lovely Note immediately; it’s so reassuring to the giver.

A downside to wish lists from [Insert Behemoth Retailer Here] that has nothing to do with etiquette is that they concentrate commerce with the Behemoth Retailers and not with the many delightful small businesses throughout this Great Nation. Celebrate Retail Diversity by scrolling through that wish list, and then seeing where you can get some of those items more locally.

Finally, Etiquetteer has to salute you, Shopping, for finding a way to use your friend’s wish list to further your friendship. How lovely that you are discovering items that bring you joy from her list — that you might not have known about otherwise. Etiquetteer wishes you a stress-free Season of Shopping, with or without wish lists.

Readers and Upside-Down Wineglasses, Vol. 20, Issue 91

Etiquette, as Etiquetteer has pointed out so often, is situational awareness. It means knowing what to do, and what not to do, in any given time and place, and in whatever role you happen to be filling at the time. How you handle a wineglass, for instance, might differ depending on whether you’re host, guest, or staff, or in a private home, a restaurant, or a banquet hall. This was brought home to Etiquetteer after last weekend’s column. Long story short: people in recovery will take care of themselves, and a banquet is different from a restaurant.

A recovering alcoholic argued that the upside-down glass should be Perfectly Proper at a large dinner* “not to have to be watchful for a server approaching to pour wine I neither want to drink nor stare at for the remainder of the event.” Now Etiquetteer knew this would come up when writing that column, and should have listened to that sixth sense.** Many years ago Etiquetteer was drinking at a large round table in a restaurant while seated next to an acquaintance who also happened to be in recovery. The gentleman asked, very politely, for Etiquetteer to move his wineglass to the other side of his place setting; its proximity to him was discomfiting. Of course Etiquetteer was happy to comply. 

Sensitivity to the needs of those in recovery is something that wouldn’t have been actively considered 50 years ago, even though Emily Post Herself called out its importance in early editions of her books. “If pressed further, say seriously ‘No--really, I can’t!’ or as one member of Alcoholics Anonymous says smilingly but firmly, ‘No can take.’”*** So to turn down a glass at a banquet is one thing, but at a smaller restaurant dinner or, heavens forfend, in a private home, is quite another. Situational awareness!

Then came the comment of a veteran of the catering industry that, in fact, catering staff recognize that the upturned wineglass is a signal to remove the glass -- “just as an upturned coffee cup is recognized at events that have a preset cup (which I have oft thought was less than Perfectly Proper.)” Good catering staff need to be aware of how to respond to all diners, including those who don’t have complete mastery of good table manners. Knowledge of the quarry is how hunters bag their trophies. And as Mrs. Wilson so sharply observed in Gosford Park, the gift of the perfect servant is anticipation.

Finally, a couple readers focused instead on the photograph of different wineglasses Etiquetteer dug up purely for illustration purposes****. Yes, that was a daunting array of shapes! You’ll be relieved to know that Letitia Baldrige Herself declares that for a formal dinner, only wineglasses for sherry, white wine, red wine, champagne, and water are needed*****. Even better, an “all-purpose wineglass” is all that's needed if you're serving only red or white. 

*Think fund-raiser or wedding banquet of 100 or more people.

** As Addison DeWitt so famously said to Eve Harrington, "When that alarm goes off, go to your battle stations."

***Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage, by Emily Post, 1950

****It does make me wonder if any of Etiquetteer's 1,000+ Instagram followers ever click on the link in the bio . . . 

*****Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette, 2003

Unwanted Glassware, Vol. 20, Issue 90

Dear Etiquetteer:

I’m not even sure why, but lately when I go out to restaurants I turn my wineglass upside down as a sign to the server that the glass can be cleared away. You know how restaurant tables can get crowded sometimes with too many dishes. This was my thought to help make some space.

Someone I had dinner with recently questioned what I was doing, and since I really don’t even know why I started doing this, I feel like I have to ask you if this is OK. So Etiquetteer, is it OK for me to turn my wineglass upside down if I don’t want any wine?

Dear Dining Without Wining:

An upside-down glass is not a universally recognized symbol for “Please take away this unwanted glass,” so you should stop doing this. Asking your waiter or waitress to remove it is more direct and Completely Unambiguous. In fact, depending on where you are in the world, an upside-down glass could have several different meanings according to Dear Kid Love Mom, including (in Australia) that you can fight anyone in the place and win. Not, Etiquetteer fancies, the message you’re trying to get across.

Etiquetteer is relieved to read that you’re only turning your glasses in restaurants, because to do so in a private home would be insulting to the hosts, implying that their hospitality was insufficient. The correct way to decline wine at a private dinner is to say “No thank you” or to shake your head. You may also cover your glass with your hand if the Threat of More Wine becomes imminent, but this is perhaps less common than hitherto.

Now it may happen that you end up with an unwanted glass of wine in front of you. Poor Fanny Logan* was faced with a rainbow of undrunk glasses, “the butler having paid no attention to my shakes of the head.” We must remember the Very Old Custom that the butler used to get all the undrunk wine after dinner as his perquisite. Yes, that does mean wine left in people’s glasses at table and not just what remained in open bottles, and yes, that does feel gross now in our more hygienic times. At any rate, this is not something to make a fuss about. Remember the words of Igor in Young Frankenstein: “Say nothing, act casual.”

Thanksgiving 2021 has come and gone, and Etiquetteer hopes You and Yours enjoyed a Great Feast of Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer commented over on Instagram that one of the most American Thanksgiving traditions was to serve cranberry sauce in the shape of the can from whence it came. What could be more Perfectly Proper? Opinions were strongly pro and con! What do you think about it?

*In Nancy Mitford’s Love in a Cold Climate.

The Need for Poise, Vol. 20, Issue 89

“This is a test of breeding. Keep cool.” — Ellen Maury Slayden

“Expect three things to go wrong,” a Wise Old Gentleman once told Etiquetteer, a gentleman rich in hard-earned event planning experience. The first of the Great Feasts, Thanksgiving, takes place tomorrow*. As with anything long anticipated, everyone will come to the Feast with expectations: that certain people will be there, that the usual jokes and stories will be retold and laughed over, that familiar decorations will appear, that the food will look and taste as delicious as it always has, that everything will look and feel just as we want it and we’ll all leave feeling comforted, refreshed, and ready for a Nice Long Nap after eating too much.

And more often than not, that’s what happens. But we also need to be prepared for the unexpected: the missing ingredient, now unobtainable; the missing child, who might or might not be hiding under the bed; the broken glass, the stained tablecloth, the travel delays, the casserole that caught fire in the oven**, the political quarrel that caught fire at the table, etc. What gets us through all these obstacles to Perfect Propriety is Poise.

Poise, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is “easy self-possessed assurance of manner: gracious tact in coping or handling.” As the host or hostess of a Great Feast, it means keeping calm in the face of anything unexpected and knowing how to take charge to solve problems when necessary***. It means being able to brush off the small problems with solutions, and not to let the Perfect become the enemy of the Good. For instance, at Thanksgiving the timing of the turkey often seems to be an issue that many cooks think will make or break the timing — and the success — of the dinner. The ability to adjust plans while retaining a smile is Poise.

So many of the early etiquette writers — Etiquetteer is thinking specifically of Dorothy Draper and Lillian Eichler, but there were others — wrote about the kind of house that guests wanted to come back to, and it was always not the house where the hostess was furrowing her brow in anxious concentration, nervously thinking three steps ahead, visibly afraid of a mistake.

Yes, expectations are high this Thanksgiving, but Etiquetteer is here to tell you, whatever happens, it’s going to be OK. Your guests — so often family and friends who love you to begin with and want as much as you to help make the Great Feast truly great — are on your side and are not going to curse and fret if something goes wrong. And if they do, doesn’t that really say more about them?

So, hosts and hostesses of the Great Feasts, go forth smiling confidently! Whatever happens, your Thanksgiving will only be made more Perfectly Proper when you roll with the punches.

*Some have already occurred under the name Friendsgiving, which Etiquetteer thinks is very beautiful. Others will take place later in the weekend to accommodate travel and scheduling. But Thanksgiving Day is generally acknowledged as the Official Start of the Holiday Season.

**This actually just happened to Etiquetteer earlier this month. Were it not for a quick-thinking dinner guest who suppressed the flames with a cookie sheet, who knows what might have happened?

***Years ago at a large party Etiquetteer hosted a guest fell down a flight of stairs resulting in a bad cut. Etiquetteer, unusually clear-headed, was able to bring the guest off to the bathroom for disinfecting and bandaging.