Etiquette, as Etiquetteer has pointed out so often, is situational awareness. It means knowing what to do, and what not to do, in any given time and place, and in whatever role you happen to be filling at the time. How you handle a wineglass, for instance, might differ depending on whether you’re host, guest, or staff, or in a private home, a restaurant, or a banquet hall. This was brought home to Etiquetteer after last weekend’s column. Long story short: people in recovery will take care of themselves, and a banquet is different from a restaurant.
A recovering alcoholic argued that the upside-down glass should be Perfectly Proper at a large dinner* “not to have to be watchful for a server approaching to pour wine I neither want to drink nor stare at for the remainder of the event.” Now Etiquetteer knew this would come up when writing that column, and should have listened to that sixth sense.** Many years ago Etiquetteer was drinking at a large round table in a restaurant while seated next to an acquaintance who also happened to be in recovery. The gentleman asked, very politely, for Etiquetteer to move his wineglass to the other side of his place setting; its proximity to him was discomfiting. Of course Etiquetteer was happy to comply.
Sensitivity to the needs of those in recovery is something that wouldn’t have been actively considered 50 years ago, even though Emily Post Herself called out its importance in early editions of her books. “If pressed further, say seriously ‘No--really, I can’t!’ or as one member of Alcoholics Anonymous says smilingly but firmly, ‘No can take.’”*** So to turn down a glass at a banquet is one thing, but at a smaller restaurant dinner or, heavens forfend, in a private home, is quite another. Situational awareness!
Then came the comment of a veteran of the catering industry that, in fact, catering staff recognize that the upturned wineglass is a signal to remove the glass -- “just as an upturned coffee cup is recognized at events that have a preset cup (which I have oft thought was less than Perfectly Proper.)” Good catering staff need to be aware of how to respond to all diners, including those who don’t have complete mastery of good table manners. Knowledge of the quarry is how hunters bag their trophies. And as Mrs. Wilson so sharply observed in Gosford Park, the gift of the perfect servant is anticipation.
Finally, a couple readers focused instead on the photograph of different wineglasses Etiquetteer dug up purely for illustration purposes****. Yes, that was a daunting array of shapes! You’ll be relieved to know that Letitia Baldrige Herself declares that for a formal dinner, only wineglasses for sherry, white wine, red wine, champagne, and water are needed*****. Even better, an “all-purpose wineglass” is all that's needed if you're serving only red or white.
*Think fund-raiser or wedding banquet of 100 or more people.
** As Addison DeWitt so famously said to Eve Harrington, "When that alarm goes off, go to your battle stations."
***Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage, by Emily Post, 1950
****It does make me wonder if any of Etiquetteer's 1,000+ Instagram followers ever click on the link in the bio . . .
*****Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette, 2003