Ten Tips for Thanksgiving Manners, Vol. 23, Issue 67

For those who might need a little refresher in Perfect Propriety at the table before Thanksgiving tomorrow, Etiquetteer has ten tips that should help the Great Feast go smoothly:

1. If your Thanksgiving dinner is served at table, wait until everyone is served before starting to eat. If it’s a buffet, wait until at least one other person has joined you at the table before starting. Many households include the saying of grace before the start of a meal. Under no circumstances should you begin eating until after grace has been said.

2. The only screen involved in a Great Feast should be a Coromandel screen masking the kitchen door. That means no television, and especially no phones at the table. It does not matter if The Game is on. Don’t make Etiquetteer come after you.

3. Remember the handy mnemonic BMW for your place setting: Bread is to the left, your Meal is in the middle, and Water/Wine is to the right. It’s so easy to reach for someone else’s bread plate, especially at a round table. Take care.

4. Serving dishes are passed to the right in the U.S. They are not properly passed to the left, and they should not be passed across the table. Be patient with those who have difficulty serving themselves. Keep everything moving — don’t let the whole service stack up to your left!

5. Use the ladle in the gravy boat. Don’t pour out of the spout, which was actually created not for pouring but to rest the handle of the ladle.

6. Salt and pepper shakers may look alike. If so, go ahead and shake a little into your hand to see what you’re getting yourself into. (Etiquetteer comments more on this here.)

7. Your napkin goes in your lap, and stays there until you leave the table. If you’re leaving the table for seconds (as happens at the Great Feasts) or to wash your hands, put your napkin on your chair. If you are leaving the table for the final time, casually leave your napkin to the left of your plate.

8. The only reason one leaves the table mid-meal (besides seconds) is “to wash your hands.” No one needs to know specifically what you’re going to do in the bathroom, for heaven’s sake.

9. It is thoughtful to ask your hosts how you can help, especially after the meal. And it is even more thoughtful to do what they ask of you, whether that’s hand-washing the silver or leaving them alone to take care of cleanup themselves.

10. Never assume you’re going home with leftovers, even if it’s a tradition at the Thanksgiving dinner you attend. Sure, bring your containers to be prepared, but leave them in the car or disguised in an opaque tote bag. No one needs to be aware of your mouth-watering, anticipatory gluttony.

Etiquetteer wishes you a beautiful, savory, peaceful, and Perfectly Proper Thanksgiving.

Restaurant Dining, Vol. 23, Issue 66

“You should know,” she explained, in an indulgent tone, “that we of the non-useful class depend for our amusement upon departure from precedent. Just now it is a fad to put ice in champagne. The idea was originated by a visiting Prince of Tartary while dining at the Waldorf. It will soon give way to some other whim. Just as at a dinner party this week on Madison Avenue a green kid glove was laid by the plate of each guest to be put on and used while eating olives.” — from “While the Auto Waits,” by O. Henry

Dear Etiquetteer:

We ordered a nice bottle of wine with our dinner at a great restaurant in our neighborhood recently. (We live in a big city.) I was a little wary when the server brought a stemless wineglass for my partner to try the wine first — surely it was only for the initial tasting, right? But no, we were brought stemless glasses after all. Etiquetteer, this is not my favorite choice. Could I have asked the server to bring actual stemmed wineglasses?

The other problem with this otherwise good dinner was the silverware. When our first course plates were cleared, the server carefully moved our used knives and forks from where we had put them across our plates back onto the table so that we could use them for the next course. At those prices, I felt like they needed to up their game and bring clean silver for each course. What should I have said?

Dear Dining:

Etiquetteer sympathizes. When expectations are not met, it can feel disconcerting. Even so, it’s really important not to take it out on the waiter. Front line restaurant staff don’t make decisions about a restaurant’s standard of service, including equipment; they merely carry it out. So be kind in how you bring this up.

Stemless wineglasses are Not Perfectly Proper*, not just because the heat of one’s hands affects the temperature of the wine, but because of the Unsightly Fingerprints. And yet Etiquetteer understands it, of course. They came to be because humans crave novelty. Earlier this century it was novel to serve craft cocktails in Mason jars, as though they were moonshine. When Etiquetteer was served a martini that way in a New York hotel noted for its sophistication — let’s just say the entire experience was Off Brand. Etiquetteer hopes the novelty of a stemless wineglass will fade**.

Had you asked for a stemmed wineglass, though, Etiquetteer doubts the restaurant could have accommodated you. Restaurants and bars have very limited storage for their equipment, and they probably don’t have space for them. Ask politely if you will, but be prepared to grin and bear the stemless to your lips***. If you return, bringing your own glassware might feel right in the moment, but a) it will only call attention from other diners, and b) you then have to take home dirty glasses. Etiquetteer does not recommend this approach.

As to the soiled silver, yes, Etiquetteer shares your, um, revulsion. Used silver is never put back on the table. But some restaurants are Like That. You could have asked “Could you bring us fresh silver, please?” immediately as the waiter was moving the silver. But what if the response had been “No, one knife and fork per person!” The only recourse then would have been to “accidentally” drop your silver onto the floor. Then they would have to bring you fresh silver.

This is an opportunity to vote with your pocketbook. As with any business, if you’re unhappy with the product or service, bring your business elsewhere. But don’t be a Karen about it.

*It’s possible to repurpose them for trifles, parfaits, and other desserts.

**More on the pros and cons of stemless wineglasses may be found in this 2022 article from the Wine Enthusiast.

***When you are a guest in a private home, you absolutely say nothing if you don’t like how something is served. Good heavens!

Gossip, Vol. 23, Issue 65

“Reputation, reputation!” — Victor von Frankenstein*

“He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips**.” — Proverbs 20:19

Dear Etiquetteer:

It has recently come to my attention that an ex-partner has been circulating all sorts of baseless and malicious stories about myself to anyone who will listen. This poses a problem as we have friends and acquaintances in common, some of whom have no qualms whatsoever in questioning further based on what has been said about me. My question to you is this: how does a person politely go about defending themselves when accused of malicious nonsense? My concern is that a failure to answer would be taken as admission whereas any answer at all is a loss of one’s temper and therefore impolite and graceless.

Dear Silently Outraged:

Etiquetteer is so sorry that you have to go through this. The best defense has always been to live your life in such a way that any malice directed at you would be unbelievable on its face. Of course that’s a high bar to clear. Etiquetteer could not clear it, and as for That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much . . . nuffus dixit! It didn’t even work for Catherine of Aragon, that Pillar of Domestic Virtue. That business about Virtue being its own reward is the bunk.

Etiquetteer appreciates that you want to deflect this situation politely, when it’s much more natural to go for the jugular. Dignified Silence remains Perfectly Proper, besides being a Time-Honored Standard. Even so, it isn’t always possible. That the source of these rumors is an ex-partner should encourage you that anything said can be brushed off. “Oh, Pat! Still upset about our breakup and invested in making things difficult for me. None of it’s true. Just disregard.” Reverse the narrative. The real story is about your ex spreading lies, not about anything you did. Etiquetteer doesn’t see the need for a social media post on the subject***, but something to address individually with friends when they bring it up (or if they already have).

What’s more disturbing to Etiquetteer is those of your circle so eager to gossip that they are asking for more details. That says more about who they are than it does about you. Use that knowledge to create some distance. Cultivate more distant acquaintances in your circle, and new friends.

Etiquetteer understands your anxiety not to be thought of as losing your temper. The manner of your response will make all the difference here. Remaining calm in difficult situations is always the best defense. Instead of Vesuvius, be the placid stream slowly wearing down the rocks.

Etiquetteer wishes you the victory of Truth over Malice, and a circle of undoubted friends.

*That’s FRONK-en-steen.

**More simply translated as “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”

***Etiquetteer almost said “press release” . . . how dated!

Declining Thanksgiving Dinner, Vol. 23, Issue 64

“She’s to keep to two subjects: the weather and everybody’s health—Fine day and How do you do, you know — and not to let herself go on things in general. That will be safe.” — Henry Higgins, Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw

“You know, we must have a nice talk about the Civil War sometime — just you and I.” — Marie Dressler as Carlotta Vance in Dinner at Eight (1933)

Is it just Etiquetteer, or is there a lot more chatter this year about whether or not to go to Thanksgiving dinner as usual? Unsurprisingly, politics is the cause. It feels like a great reordering of our relationships is taking place — just in time for the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. How are we to get through this with Perfect Propriety? Of course Etiquetteer believes there is still a place for Perfect Propriety, in both our daily and national lives. We need to make a stand for the things we love, don’t we? Etiquetteer still believes good manners have a place. Presumably you do, too, or you wouldn’t be reading this.

Now we all know that politics is one of the Forbidden Topics at a dinner*. And we all know people who just breeze by that taboo and babble or rant away, absolutely not caring who they make uncomfortable. (Some of them even count on it — sadists.) For those who have suffered in silence for many years, this may be the time to send regrets instead and make other plans. And . . . it may not. Psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert makes the case for accepting the invitation anyway here.

Etiquetteer wrote in a recent column on Civic Pride that “we ourselves need to model the behavior we most want to see.” So if Kindness and Courtesy have a value for you (and Etiquetteer thinks they should), you should decline invitations kindly. That doesn’t mean you have to be dishonest. “It’s kind of you to invite me again, but I don’t want to risk any political discussion this year, and that always seems to come up. Thanks for understanding.”

If someone declines your Thanksgiving invitation, of course you may express your disappointment, but don’t coerce them into coming. A simple “You will be missed, you know, and the door is always open to you if you change your mind” is as far as you need to go. And on the day you need to control the table talk kindly but firmly. “We’re not going to talk about that today,” and then change the subject to something more neutral.

Etiquetteer wishes you a truly Happy Thanksgiving with congenial companions.

*The others are, in random order: sex, money, religion, personal appearance, and complaints about the food.

Grooming Your Romantic Partner, Vol. 23, Issue 63

Dear Etiquetteer:

I’ve been seeing a wonderful man for going on two months, and I’m pretty crazy about him. My biggest hesitancy with introducing him to more of my friends and eventually Mother (yikes!) is some grooming choices. Namely, he needs to trim his eyebrows and his nose hairs. He has a beautiful beard, which is why I assume he hasn’t noticed the need for a trim elsewhere on his face. I’ve stayed silent, not wanting to come across as controlling, but it’s bothering me. I keep thinking about the former Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, with his out-of-control eyebrows, which the world wanted to attack with shears but which his wife described as adorable. Is there a proper way to ask him to trim? Should I surprise him with a spa day and have the aesthetician break the news of the need for a trim? Should I stay silent?

Dear Beloved:

Etiquetteer wants to say this as nicely as possible, but you do your friends and your mother a disservice when you think that their most enduring first impression of someone you describe as “a wonderful man” will be the condition of his nose and eyebrows. After all, if you’re still Mad About the Boy two months later, you see more of than those things, too, and did so begin with. So will they. Perhaps if your relationship goes so far that jewelry is exchanged you might mention something. Otherwise, keep mum.

The appearance of some men is defined by their bushy eyebrows — your Archbishop of Canterbury, for instance, Rasputin, and Albert Einstein — but they are in the minority. In general eyebrows should be trimmed whenever one visits the barber. Nose hair should never protrude outside the nostril, and should be trimmed with tweezers or those tiny scissors. Etiquetteer remembers hearing about those who burnt the hairs out of their nose with a match. Proceed at your peril, but don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses, regardless.

Your suggestion to let a professional solve the problem at a spa day is the perfect solution (for those who can afford it) as it allows a neutral third party to suggest a grooming plan for the future. And it turns out that is exactly what happened to Charlotte Vale in Olive Higgins Prouty’s novel Now, Voyager.* Charlotte’s makeover at a New York beauty parlor shocked even her sister-in-law Lisa, who arranged it. “‘I said nothing about eyebrows, Célestine. You know every well I never allow you to pluck mine. How did you ever come to do such a thing?’ ‘Because they were terra-ble, Madame. Not like yours. Verree thick and strong, like a man’s, and they meet in the middle and make her look always scowling. She say do anything I desire. It was no matter to her. Only in the middle did I pluck much. No one will know I pluck at all. I make her look so beautiful, n’est ce pas?’”** And indeed, she had.

Etiquetteer wishes you joyous introductions.

*Famous now only for the film version starring Bette Davis.

*Now, Voyager, by Olive Higgins Prouty (1941), page 18.

Civic Pride, Vol. 23, Issue 62

“Grief is a luxury one cannot afford if one intends to go on.” — the Dowager of Countess of Southwold, Upstairs, Downstairs

When words will not come, silence is often best. But even though the words don’t come easily several days after last week’s election results, Etiquetteer must make some attempt, not least because — oh, heavy irony! — today is National Civic Pride Day, created in 2022 “to inspire everyone to promote the dynamic* communities they live in.”

What does this mean after all the votes were counted? With no exemplars of Perfect Propriety visible in the incoming administration, it means that we ourselves need to model the behavior we most want to see where we live. That means more than being polite and attentive to cashiers and receptionists, navigating parking lots with care, and taking enough pride in one’s appearance to look clean and tidy in public. It means being well informed about local and national issues — which is to say, from more than one or two sources — and participating in local and neighborhood meetings. It means eye contact. It means placing a value on honesty, and ensuring that others share that value, too.

It means not bullying or taunting other people. Is a nation of men shouting “Your body, my choice” an example of civic pride? Etiquetteer thinks not. And this is only one example. Etiquetteer fears for the future.

In her first edition of Etiquette back in 1922, Emily Post Herself attempted to define what Best Society is**, and Etiquetteer is inspired by her words: “. . . Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth; but it is an association of gentle-folk, of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others [emphasis added] are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members.” In other words, kindness as well as dignity, good manners — Perfect Propriety.

It’s on us to be the change we want to see in the world. Etiquetteer wishes you strength and courage as you consider how best to be that change where you are.

*Meaning “continuous and productive activity or change.”

**Not at all to be confused with the “Be Best” campaign of the late 2010s.

Wedding Gifts/Teatime, Vol. 23, Issue 61

Dear Etiquetteer:

My question involves the wedding of the son of some acquaintances of mine. We are not especially close but have sung together and I have known the boy almost from his birth. He had a very small wedding and few were invited from the family’s circle of friends. The family did an open house a couple of weeks prior. I attended briefly to congratulate the couple but did not attend the wedding or reception. I did not take anything as I truthfully wasn’t thinking about it (long story there) but noted some brought gifts and cards. Do I owe them a gift or at least a card congratulating them? I got a thank-you note that thanked me for a gift that I didn’t give so I feel a bit guilty.

Thanks for any help you can provide on these.

Dear Guest:

First off, there’s no reason for you to feel guilty, as you haven’t done anything wrong. The real quandary for Etiquetteer is, who gave the gift for which you were thanked in error? How will they feel at not being remembered by the Happy Couple? For that reason alone, you should write to the Happy Couple disclaiming anything to do with the gift in question, but wishing them Hearty Congratulations and Best Wishes for their married life. Assuming you all live in the same community, you could invite them to dinner at your home, either with your acquaintances the groom’s parents, or not.

The question of being owed a wedding gift always leaves Etiquetteer cold. As you were not invited to the wedding, send a gift if you feel moved to do so, but at least a card since you’ve actually met them. What you could do is file away the date of their wedding so that next year you can send a gift for their paper anniversary. Etiquetteer bets no one will else will think of that!

•••

Today marks the return to Standard Time, and with it the usual grousing from people who don’t like it getting pitch dark so early. For those who advocate for making Daylight Savings Time permanent, allow Etiquetteer to remind you that we tried that once before (in 1974) and it didn’t work. There’s no need to revisit a bad idea.

But we can also embrace this first night of early darkness with Light, Beauty, and of course Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer proposes Teatime by Candlelight to greet the return of Standard Time. Instead of grumbling about the dark, get out your tapers or votives, get out your favorite china and silver, bake something you enjoy, and maybe invite a friend or two. Cocoon yourself in mellow candlelight (so flattering — lighting is the best skin care) with a piping hot pot of tea and a good book. What could be more Perfectly Proper?

Etiquetteer wishes you a glowing and tranquil evening.