Dear Etiquetteer:
My husband and I love to have people over for dinner, which we’ve started to do a little more after quarantining for most of 2020 and 2021. The problem is when they bring red wine as a hostess gift. Neither of us drink or serve red wine, and we don’t really know how to stop the “red tide.” Once our friends would bring white or rosé, but sometime during the pandemic the memo went out that bringing red wine to dinner parties was the chic thing to do.
I should be clear that we are not asking people to bring anything. When people do ask, I always tell them, “Please, just bring yourselves.” I’m just not sure if there’s a way I can keep people from bringing red when they don’t ask what they can bring first, and I would love your advice about this.
Dear Reddened:
There is that substantial group of people who have been taught never to show up empty-handed. Etiquetteer sometimes wishes they’d been taught to send a Lovely Note of Thanks the next day, but Etiquetteer usually sweeps away that Uncharitable Thought to focus on their Kindly Intention.
Just as with a bridal registry, it’s never Perfectly Proper to tell people how to spend money on you (until they ask, and then it’s open season.) In your case, subtle cues can help. For instance, when making a verbal invitation, say “We’re going to serve [Insert Recipe Here] because it goes so well with white.” Set an example by bringing a bottle of white or rosé when dining at the homes of your red-toting friends. Comment here and there on your newfound devotion to white wines to plant the seed that Red Is Out of Place at Your House.
When guests do bring red unexpectedly, you could consider serving it to them alone — “Let me open this for you right now!” — but the risk is that they then discover you don’t drink red, feel bad that they brought you a gift you don’t like, and then you’re stuck in an evening-long Discussion About Feelings, which is rather tedious for a dinner party. You might also consider just not inviting Habitual Offenders again. Let them carry the social ball awhile . . . but you already know that friendship is more important than trivialities like hostess gifts.
Etiquetteer’s version of this problem is what to do with all those gift bags friends use, both paper and cloth, when they bring wine gifts to Etiquetteer’s dinners.
As to your accumulated Cellar of Red, careful regifting can ease the pressure on your closet space. Let’s hope the fashion of red wine turns to a fashion of Lovely Notes instead!