Packing for Summer Vacation, Vol. 20, Issue 49

Many of us have been preparing to travel for the first time in over a year because of the pandemic — including Etiquetteer. Having prepared for a weeklong stay at the Tip of the Curliest Peninsula, Etiquetteer has had to self-refresh the Perfect Proprieties of Summer Vacation Packing.

Wherever you’re going, your principal objectives are a) to bring everything you need, but b) not more than that, and c) not to inconvenience your hosts by begging for things you should have remembered. When preparing to visit Europe a few years ago, a Dear Friend told Etiquetteer “Bring half the clothes and twice the money.” That’s still Perfectly Proper advice.

What you pack will, obviously, be based on the activities planned for your vacation, climate, as well as local custom. This particular vacation divides easily into three categories: Beach, Town, and House. But anyone with gear-specific activities in mind — fishing, sailing, tennis, birding, etc. — had better use a checklist so as not to omit any essential equipment.

BEACH: The Tip of the Curliest Peninsula may be a resort town, but the beaches of the Cape Cod National Seashore involve too much hiking to be considered resort beaches*. So Etiquetteer wears things that are literally falling into rags, an aesthetic that might be considered either Extreme Yankee Parsimony, or just Grumpy Old Man. For the beach Etiquetteer packs clothes unfit to wear anyplace but the beach, a sweatshirt (New England Weather is changeable, to say the least), beach hat and shoes, and a beach towel; never assume your hosts want their towels taken to the beach.

TOWN: It might be said that the dress code in this Town is permissive in the extreme, but for the most part people wear ordinary summer clothes: T-shirts, shorts, jeans, pants, sweaters, etc. On Comical Street, the Main Drag, there’s a lot of promenading about between art galleries, shops, restaurants, and bars. About the dressiest thing one might end up doing is dining at one of the Fine Dining Establishments, which wouldn’t require more than a flawlessly pressed linen shirt and slacks. If there’s a costume party in the plans, of course you’ll bring all the elements of what you plan to wear. (Your hosts should let you know what’s on the schedule so you can come prepared. Spontaneity is overrated.) The most important thing to consider is footwear. With so much walking and standing about, this is no place for the Cruel Shoes!

HOUSE: While Etiquetteer may look a little crumpled above the neck before morning coffee**, it’s Perfectly Proper to present more crisply than that while lounging about. Consider the customs of your hosts when packing your loungewear.

EVERYTHING ELSE: Of course there’s more to pack than what you wear! All your preferred toiletries, medications, electronics (including chargers and cords), jewelry . . . anything you’re expecting to use. Make a list, and check it twice.

Lastly, don’t forget to pack that Winning Smile and your Holiday Spirit to keep the house party running happily. Attitude is never becoming, whether it’s before your coffee or not.

Etiquetteer is delighted to wish you bon voyage! Don’t forget to write!

*Just try calling for the waiter at Race Point or Herring Cove to bring you a gin and tonic and see how long you have to wait for it.

**Mamie Eisenhower just had to tie little pink ribbon around her head before her breakfast tray came in to look Perfectly Proper. Etiquetteer has to make more of an effort than that.

Free Speech vs. Discretion, Vol. 20, Issue 48

Two recent news stories about high school students and freedom of speech provide interesting contrasts in Perfect Propriety and the role of the educational system in “molding a New Little Life*.”

In the first story the Supreme Court upheld the right of Ms. Brandi** Levy to express vulgar opinions about decisions that went against her to a wide audience on social media without school discipline. Long story short, after being passed over for the varsity cheerleading squad, Ms. Levy expressed her displeasure on Snapchat by making a Splendid Gesture*** with the F Word to 250 of her closest school friends. One was the daughter of a cheerleading coach. Oopsie! Ms. Levy was “suspended from junior varsity cheerleading for a year . . . to ‘avoid chaos’ and maintain a ‘teamlike environment.’” After several years, the Supreme Court sided with Ms. Levy.

Etiquetteer actually agrees with the Court’s ruling, because the school could have handled this differently. Instead of immediate suspension from cheerleading, the principal could have invited Ms. Levy to consider how her actions impacted other people, and indeed herself, and asking if expressing her disappointment so very publicly was really the most productive way to handle it. Sometimes a meeting is a better way to solve a problem than punishment.

Because Ms. Levy’s behavior will have a permanent impact, thanks to the internet. What employer is going to hire someone who immediately and publicly disses the employer to everyone she knows when passed over for promotion? That kind of public grousing isn’t attractive or Perfectly Proper. And for the rest of her life, Ms. Levy will be facing this hasty choice when prospective employers do an internet search for her.

Disappointment at being passed over is understandable; Etiquetteer sympathizes up to a point. But . . . maybe you don’t have to share with everyone. Two hundred fifty people can never be a core circle. Sharing the negative emotions with a smaller and much tighter group would have been wiser. Finally, as Timothy Snyder has taught us, “Email is skywriting.”

Flip the coin and you get valedictorian Bryce Dersham, who was censored by principal Dr. Robert M. Tull after Mr. Dersham reverted to his original graduation speech****. This included references to his sexuality, mental health, and recovery from anorexia, to which Dr. Tull had objected over concerns about the speech becoming a “therapy session.” Mr. Dersham ended up carrying the day by reciting his original speech from memory, to the cheers of his classmates.

A valedictorian’s speech is one of the most important parts of any graduation, and it’s not unusual to reference What One Has Overcome to reach one’s degree. In this century it’s useless to pretend that we’re still looking at Miss Dewy Freshness and Mr. Manley Firmness briskly striding off to college, marriage, and parenthood with happy memories of debate society, athletic teams, and prom decorations. As a society we are learning how important it is to acknowledge our struggles as well — and they don’t all fall into some Comfortable Stereotype.

Perhaps Dr. Tull just didn’t want Mr. Dersham to wallow indulgently in his issues; a graduation is a public occasion for everyone, not just the speakers. Perhaps, but probably not. And Mr. Dersham did the courageous and Perfectly Proper thing reverting to his original speech. Dr. Tull’s misguided attempts at censorship in the moment only served to magnify the speech on a national stage. It will certainly be remembered by the attendees much longer as a result! The more prudent thing to do would have been to let it ride.

The final point, though, is that Mr. Dersham had something important to say about about using all parts of his identity to overcome his problems to become a valedictorian. Ms. Levy was just pouting about not being chosen for a coveted team position. There’s a big difference.

*From Auntie Mame, by Patrick Dennis. Of course.

**She’s a fine girl. Poor Ms. Levy is probably tired of hearing that song — if anyone that age has even heard of it.

***”Splendid Gesture” is Etiquetteer’s euphemism for shooting the middle finger, culled from some episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

****Remarkably similar to another recent censorship case, when a Memorial Day speaker’s microphone was cut when his speech began to acknowledge the role Black Americans had in creating Memorial Day. People, give it up. Cutting a microphone will only get the story into the news.

Teenage Teasing, Vol. 20, Issue 47

Dear Etiquetteer:

Recently two teenage girls stood outside my autistic son’s window making fun of the catchy phases my son says uncontrollably at the window and the noises his older brother (also autistic) makes. My son began to cry. The teens spit bubble gum at the base of his window. We don’t know these neighbors beyond saying “Hi.”

My reaction is to let it go, as my sons can be quite loud. I feel peace in the neighborhood is important. If this behavior continues, however, I’m not sure how to handle it. My gut says to ignore it, and reassure my son that the girls are in the wrong, and are not worth crying over. In public, if I see kids staring or making fun of the uncontrollable noises they make, I will say in a kindly manner that my sons have autism, and explain their behaviors. This usually brings a quick end to the staring and making fun at my sons’ expense.

Do you have any suggestions on handling hurtful behavior by kids or teens? Children can be cruel. Nothing hurts worse than having your child disrespected.

Dear Harrassed:

Peace in the neighborhood is important, but it’s already gone. Your teenage neighbors have stolen it with their cruel behavior. The path back to restored peace will involve conversation.

Like you, Etiquetteer dislikes confrontation. But situations like this don’t get corrected without communication. You (and/or your spouse) need to “screw your courage to the sticking place*” and speak, calmly, with these teenage neighbors (and perhaps their parents). It is necessary to advocate for the safety and well-being of your children, and it’s important for them to know that you are.

People, especially teens, bully what they don’t understand. This means that education is the path away from it. What you say you’re doing out in public — explaining what’s happening and why — also applies to this domestic situation. Open a window — or step outside if you don’t feel your own physical safety is compromised — and tell these teens (as calmly as you’re able) what autism is and why your sons behave as they do. Explain that their own behavior, whether they really intend it or not, is hurtful and doesn’t help make a happy neighborhood.

Most of the information available online has to do with school environments, and while that doesn’t exactly correlate to your situation, it can be helpful. The Top Ten Bullying Facts from Autism Speaks provides good information, and so does their page on Seven Steps to Take a Stand Against Bullying.

Let’s hope those mean girls don’t come back. But if they do, Etiquetteer wishes you calm and courage, and a successful outcome.

*Macbeth, Act I, scene vii.

More About Post-Pandemic Parties, Vol. 20, Issue 46

Almost as soon as Sunday’s column on post-pandemic parties appeared, a letter appeared in Etiquetteer’s inbox:

Dear Etiquetteer:

As always, many thanks for your perfectly proper suggestions regarding almost post-COVID social gatherings. Yesterday, my spouse and I went to a small social gathering. It was going to be outside but because it was so hot, it moved inside. It was at another couples' home. I was very uncomfortable even being outside (let alone inside) with their 14-month-old child because the child had a cold. The child would not stay away from me and I tried to be polite about it but it made me extremely uncomfortable and concerned. All four adults are vaccinated, but needless to say, the child is not. They had the child tested for COVID in the morning, and the test was negative.

I thought they would be more sensitive to the situation and reschedule. To be fair, they did offer to do that but my spouse has the Disease to Please and did not take them up on that.

Other than refuse to go and cause marital strife, I didn't know what to do. I really thought that everyone would be more sensitive about things like this now. I thought that there would be a new approach and people would no longer say "it's just a cold". And honestly, I don't completely trust COVID tests, especially rapid tests, such as the one used yesterday; they received results in about three hours.

I eagerly await your thoughts and advice.

Dear Uneasy Guest:

Etiquetteer can’t remember who first observed that children and pets always seem magnetically attracted to adults who want to avoid them most, but that. In ordinary times, a guest must endure these ministrations with Patience and Resignation, and sometimes a lint remover. (Allergies are an acceptable, and all too real, excuse.) But we haven’t quite gotten back to ordinary times yet, which is why you were so uncomfortable with a Sniffly Baby Who Only Wants Your Love.

First, for those of us who have suffered major COVID anxiety, Etiquetteer acknowledges how difficult it feels to be in post-quarantine situations. But Science is on our side: the CDC guidelines for fully vaccinated persons allow those of us who are fully vaccinated to attend parties in private homes without masks or social distancing. Yes, it’s an adjustment, and yes, there are other concerns out there (e.g. the Delta variant). But there are also many reasons for us to have hope, too.

You could have done two things, both Perfectly Proper: leave — more on that in a moment — or put on a face mask. We really do have to get to a place where there’s no embarrassment about continuing to wear a mask, and no joshing or shaming of those who do. Masks are effective at preventing the spread of the coronavirus, and could have improved your comfort level.

But you could also have left, taking responsibility for your discomfort by acknowledging the efforts of your friends and apologizing. True friends, though they may be disappointed, will understand and support you. And so should your spouse, though Etiquetteer also sympathizes with him/her. Of course there is discomfort at rescheduling a party on the day when all of us just want to get back to normal and have a good time! It’s quite natural for your spouse to want to move forward with the plans, especially since it seems you all were the only guests. But he/she should have consulted you about this, and both of you should have made a decision together. That decision could also have been for him/her to go to the party alone — also Perfectly Proper, but certainly not as typical as it used to be. Didn’t one of Oscar Wilde’s characters intimate that he/she never invited husbands and wives together?

As the post-pandemic transition continues, Etiquetteer wishes you greater comfort in socializing and continuing supportive communication with those involved. Along with caution, flexibility and understanding are still required of all of us.

Post-Pandemic Parties, Vol. 20, Issue 45

Dear Etiquetteer:

Interesting question came up today from some friends throwing a (nearly) post-pandemic party in an indoor/outdoor space. They would like to write something on the invitation saying something along the lines of "If you are not vaccinated, please wear a mask, and weather permitting, please remain outside." Without appearing rude. How best to phrase?

Dear Invited (or Not):

The solution to this issue lives in the creative tension between Hospitality and Safety. Hosts, of course, have a responsibility to make their guests feel comfortable and safe. Varied vaccination status and eligibility* makes that challenging. The honesty and goodwill of the guest list directly impacts everyone’s party experience.

Etiquetteer has some anxiety about creating an us vs. them atmosphere. Unvaccinated guests could easily see interior spaces as a VIP Room they’re not good enough to enter — not a happy feeling to inspire in people being invited over for a good time. And then, what's the rain plan? If the weather turns bad, do the hosts admit unvaccinated guests into the house with masks, or send them home? Etiquetteer would actually advise limiting the party to the outdoor space, reserving inside for bathroom access and bad weather only.

Here’s some sample language that might work: "We are so eager to see everyone after such a long time apart during the pandemic quarantine! We also know that, while pandemic restrictions are lifting, not everyone has been vaccinated, and some are still anxious about returning to ‘normal’ parties. To accommodate everyone and create as safe an atmosphere as possible, we’re keeping the party outside, but please bring a mask to wear indoors where the restrooms are — or throughout the party if that’s more comfortable for you. Please reach out to us in advance if you have questions or concerns."

At bare minimum, your friends need to acknowledge that everyone just wants the pandemic to be OVER and that we're in a transitional phase of activity because not everyone has gotten (or been able to get) the vaccine. You may also include your guests in the safety plan by asking them to share their vaccination status with their reply, if they wish.

Another strategy to make planning less fraught: before issuing invitations, query your guest list to ask just how comfortable people are right now with larger gatherings, indoor parties, masklessness, etc. Something like “We’re thinking about having our usual summer party again, and we want to do it so everyone feels safe. But we’re not sure just how ready everyone is to return to What We Remembered As Normal. Could you let us know how you’re feeling and, if you feel OK about it, sharing your vaccine status?” How people respond will help tailor the guest lists so that like-minded people can be entertained together at a bigger party, and those who still have concerns about larger groups can be welcomed at another time.

The CDC event guidelines will be helpful for future event planning in this transitional phase. And the June 17 CDC guideline for fully vaccinated people is here. With all that said, Etiquetteer is still cautiously in favor of smaller than larger events, and definitely keeping things as al fresco as possible for the time being.

Etiquetteer wishes your friends, and you and their other guests, a happy occasion — or occasions — full of Perfect Propriety.

*As of this writing, children under the age of 12 are not eligible for the vaccine. Check here for current vaccine eligibility in your state.

Wedding Gifts, or Not, Vol. 20, Issue 44

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was invited to a “celebration of x and x’s marriage,” which is a sort of reception for a marriage that took place eight months ago. The gathering is at a relative’s home in several weeks. The bride of the happily married couple is my second cousin. The last time I saw her was when she was in grade school. Her father, my cousin, I see only once in several years, mostly at funerals. So, the contact is limited and it feels that I am simply being invited for the gift-giving opportunity. To compound the conundrum, I married several years ago and invited my cousin to the wedding and never received a gift.

So, my questions are two: 1) is a gift required or advisable for my second cousin; and 2) is the fact that my cousin omitted a gift to me a basis on which not to give a gift to his daughter?

Thank you for any insights.

Dear Invited:

The pandemic has delayed many Large Family Weddings, and Etiquetteer knows we’ll see more of these Marriage Celebration parties in the coming year or two*. In that case, a more charitable explanation for including you would be for an extended family reunion, not your potential largesse.

Etiquetteer has said before that an invitation is not an invoice, and would back you up should you choose not to send anything beyond a Lovely Note of Sincere Good Wishes for future happiness. Before you do that, ask yourself what sort of relationship you might like to have (if any) with your young cousin and her new spouse. How you respond to that question will influence your decision to purchase a gift for them. Who knows, it might be worth cultivating the younger generation!

Because an invitation is not an invoice, your cousin’s lack of a wedding gift to you and your beloved isn’t a strong foundation for you to behave likewise. You don’t seem the type to dwell on this sort of thing, but if so, Etiquetteer encourages you to let the memory of that ungiven gift drift over the horizon on a summer breeze. Etiquetteer rather expects that the daily gift of your beloved sharing your life is more valuable than a pair of candlesticks or a crockpot.

*Rather than restage the wedding — a wedding should not be a traveling road show, and should only be revived every 25 or 50 years — Etiquetteer hopes that Happy Couples will choose to host larger-than-usual anniversary parties.

What to Wear, Vol. 20, Issue 43

Anytime the phrase “wear whatever you want” shows up, Etiquetteer wants to start Wagging an Admonitory Digit and saying “No you may not!” But Isobel Slone’s guest essay in The New York Times last week, “There Are No Fashion Rules Anymore,” makes one consider how un-uniform Fashion is now. “We’re entering into a brave new world,” she writes, “and it’s important to dress for it — which is to say, exactly how you want.” Her point overall is that the choices we make about what to wear no longer come exclusively from the top down, but more often than not from the bottom up. More importantly, because of our Unique (Post-) Pandemic Moment, more people are not going to be restricted by The Rules and will dress (or not) to suit themselves. “The concept that anyone ought to be wearing anything other than what they’re comfortable in represents the last gasp of an old system that is fading into irrelevance.” (It’s an absorbing article; read the whole thing.)

Ms. Slone fails to consider two points that Etiquetteer continues to think of as essential: a Sense of Occasion, and Elegance. While many of us have cocooned in sweatsuits or caftans for the last year, when we’re finally able to attend our first in-person weddings, graduations, or (sadly) funerals, yoga pants and a tunic top just aren’t going to cut it. This is decidedly a time for experimentation, but how we present ourselves also shows respect for our hosts, and for the reason we’ve been called together. How individual can a sweatsuit be, and is it really going to look Perfectly Proper at a wedding (or funeral) just because you Bedazzled the cuffs? You know the answer.

Then there is Elegance, the definitions of which encompass Neatness, Simplicity, “tasteful richness of ornamentation,” Refinement, and Propriety. These are all still desirable qualities in how we present ourselves to others. The late Marlene Dietrich once lamented that Elegance was “Rarely found today. Women are not brought up to know about it and therefore lack even the desire to acquire it.” Men benefit from Elegance just as much; its guiding principle and benefits are not exclusive to any gender.

Ms. Slone notes “As the fashion world slowly welcomes concepts like inclusivity and diversity into the fold, the acknowledgment that not all people look the same has led to the epiphany that not all people necessarily want to dress the same, either.” At this moment of Fashion Experimentation, as we determine how to present ourselves after a year-plus of Social Isolation, Etiquetteer wants us all to find a way to be unified, but not uniform, in Perfect Propriety.

Fan art from a dinner guest!

These things were much on Etiquetteer’s mind last night after a first Dress Dinner With Actual Company Inside Without Masks. If that’s not an Occasion Worth Dressing For, I don’t know what is! How lovely to be in a room with other people also dressed in their Sunday best. And how wonderful to flex one’s Hostly Skills and actually cook and serve for more than Just Oneself. In that respect, the dinner was a qualified success. The menu:

Gin-tonic Cocktail de crevettes Céleri farci

Poulet de Clément Haricots verts Timbales de riz brun

Côtes de Provence Rosé

Salade verte aux amandes

Gâteau reine de Saba Glace vanille

Champagne Piper Sonoma Brut

Four turns out to be the perfect number for me to entertain at dinner right now. Plating more than four Perfectly Proper plates at a time would compromise my hostliness, but three people amuse themselves more easily than two in the parlor over drinks and nibbles. (I am one of those cooks who need to be single-minded in the kitchen.) But overall, an occasion of Great Joy, the first of what I hope will be many Perfectly Proper gatherings with loved ones this year.

Heirlooms, a Reader's Response, Vol. 20, Issue 42

Etiquetteer was delighted to hear from a reader about the passage of heirlooms through her family. (This has been lightly edited to disguise identifying references.)

Dear Etiquetteer:

I enjoy your column immensely and can't believe your inbox would be empty — so here I am to fill it up. I must tell you that I think of you often — every time I rearrange the generations of family china, crystal and silver collection that I curate — ever since I read your column on the celery dish.

Last week my daughter and I . . . moved the corner cupboard! This meant I had to unload the entire thing, move it and reload. To handle every piece was a privilege. While enjoying this task, my daughter tentatively asked if she could have one of THE cups! The story of the cups is nearly 90 years old. Each summer, my grandmother would make the drive from Michigan, pass into Canada, buy one Aynsley Orchard teacup and saucer in cobalt blue, and then continue on past Niagara Falls to their summer home. In the family, these pieces of her collection are coveted.

As I am in the de-acquisition phase of my life, I was happy to let my daughter choose several pieces to adopt into her life. She arrived home with them, promptly set the table and Facetimed me (well past my bedtime) to show me her table setting. It was lovely and so fun to see them in her care. But she is a worrier — like her mother — and immediately began to search for a cabinet in which to display them. She was so afraid that they might be broken if left in the open.

There must be some sort of magic in those teacups to inspire driving long distances, crossing international borders and vast expanses of water. My lovely grandmother, whom I never met, is found in those lovely items she left for me. If not for those cups, I might not feel as though I know her as well as I do.

So, there is my silly little story. Not very important in light of the crisis gripping our world, but a backward glance every once in a while lets me know that life will continue. This wonderful lady, survived the flu pandemic [of 1918] and told my father tales of seeing dead bodies lying in the street in Washington D.C. After that, she went on to collect . . . tea cups. Perhaps we will be able to concern ourselves with these types of trivial fancies again in our futures.

Dear Reader:

You cannot know how much your letter warmed the cockles of Etiquetteer’s heart, so sadly is it tried by the current, collapsing state of Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer is fortunate enough to have a houseful of heirlooms from Dear Grandmother. But unlike her, and like your daughter it seems, Etiquetteer actually uses them and enjoys using them. Etiquetteer enjoys nothing so much as a Perfectly Proper cup of tea in one of these special cups. Uncle Paxton analyzed it exactly in Clemence Dane’s frothy but ponderous novel The Flower Girls: “Tea drunk from Meissen or Davenport is totally different beverage from tea poured from stoneware or plastic.”

Etiquetteer hopes that we might all enjoy a Perfectly Proper cup together someday.

Life Lessons from Auntie Mame, Vol. 20, Issue 41

Almost 50 years ago Young Etiquetteer was introduced to “America’s favorite relative,” Auntie Mame, the creation of Patrick Dennis, based on his actual relative, Marion Tanner. Etiquetteer’s life might have been less colorful if Cousin Jeannette hadn’t sent a copy to Dear Mother as a 1955 wedding gift.

Auntie Mame has some wonderful life lessons for us all. But that whole “Live! Live! Live!” thing got started with the stage and film interpretation by the great Rosalind Russell*. Nothing against Roz, but Etiquetteer wants to concentrate on the novel itself, the Pure Milk of the Word.

Use your words, and know them. “A rich vocabulary is the true hallmark of every intellectual person,” Auntie Mame tells Patrick when she gives him his first vocabulary pad. Etiquetteer thinks it would be wonderful if we all stopped talking like some unctuous graduate school, move beyond words like trope, performative***, etc. and incorporate less cardboard-sounding words. The list Patrick compiled at a Bastille Day party gives some dazzling examples: “Hotsy-Totsy Club, gang war, Id, daiquiri, relativity, free love, Oedipus complex, mobile, stinko, narcissistic, Biarritz, psychoneurotic, Shonberg . . .” You can really sink your teeth into those!

That said,

Maybe don’t say the first thing that pops into your head. Mame had a sparkling bad habit of saying exactly what she thought, “an unfortunate candor that delighted many but offended just as many others.” And it cost her her job at Jesse Franklin Turner, too. Heaven knows That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much has fit his foot into his mouth often enough to know better! Putting yourself on a five-second delay could save you a lot of trouble.

But,

Courteously call out the bull@#$&. Mame’s brisk, businesslike takedown of the anti-Semitic Upsons could not have been more effective. How did she do it? She knew her facts, she wasn’t afraid to speak the truth — even as a guest having to criticize her hosts — and she didn’t lose her temper. And after her victory, she left the field immediately.

Meet the challenge! Auntie Mame didn’t exactly have a winning strategy against her husband Beau’s old flame Sally Cato MacDougall — she told Patrick after her terrifying hunt experience that “I got my thigh stuck so tight in that sidesaddle thing I thought I never would fall off” — but unprepared as she was, she still entered the arena. Nobody gets anywhere on the sidelines. Happily, she emerged victorious.

At the edge of the abyss of failure, Auntie Mame never stopped trying.

Fail faster. When the stock market crash swept away her money, Auntie Mame kept moving through careers as her trials exposed her errors. Rosalind Russell memorably gives us her disastrous turn as a telephone operator, but she was also a copywriter, interior decorator, gallery owner, vendeuse, fashion model, nightclub hostess, personal shopper, door-to-door saleswoman, and playwright before destroying her friend Vera’s play as an actress and then selling roller skates at Macy’s. Patrick noted that “she had a lot of confidence in herself,” and she never stopped trying.

Whoop it up with someone younger . . . but don’t try to cover it up, either. The movie versions all deprive of us Auntie Mame dating one of Patrick’s college friends, Alex, and going to the Junior Prom with him when she thinks Patrick won’t be there. Patrick’s confrontation of his aunt grips Etiquetteer every time, the best part of the entire book: “And since the year you graduated from college happens to coincide with the year Alex was born, you thought it would give you a common bond . . . “ Finally she admits “Maybe I was having a silly little flirtation with him. He amused me.” And that’s fine, but she might’ve saved a lot of trouble admitting it in the first place.

But, don’t make it more important than it is. Poor Auntie Mame really lost her heart to Brian O’Bannion, even though he was “a cheap phony with the morals of a goat and the worst case of hot pants in New York.” But then Love is blind, isn’t it, readers? Give your heart, sure, but not your vision.

Use your wardrobe to advantage, but dress for the occasion. Mame naturally gravitated to exotic couture — her initial idea of what to wear for her first meeting with Mr. Babcock was “that little gray kimono outfit with the scarlet embroidery and perhaps a blood-red camellia over each ear.” Vera wisely talked her out of that — “Mame dear, I wasn’t speaking of a Japanese costume for this, this ordeal” — steering her to something “sorrowful, but not strictly mourning, and very conservative. It gives a trustee confidence.” Her later failures, particularly her “disguise” as a Balkan spy in rural Massachusetts, only highlight her many successes: as a Macy’s salesgirl, and then a widow, in black; as mother of the groom “in shades of toast, a flattering but forthright hat, and a magnificent pearl necklace” to meet the Upsons; and even in a gold sari at the final cocktail party.

Last and most important, be the life of your own party. Auntie Mame begins and ends with that marvelous 1920s invention, the large cocktail party. And as hostess, Mame puts herself at the center of the action, distinctively dressed and enjoying herself as much as she wants everyone else to enjoy themselves. That, readers, is what makes Perfect Propriety — putting your guests at ease.

Etiquetteer hopes you will rush right out and read the novel for yourselves. Then perhaps you’ll share the life lessons you picked up there.

*Patrick Dennis admired her performance so that he dedicated subsequent Mame novels to her, and she appeared in his devastating parody celebrity memoir Little Me.

**At the end of the book she says “a large and flexible vocabulary is the hallmark of every truly cultivated person.”

***In the 1980s, database was the equivalent fashionable but boring word.

Planning a Memorial Gathering, Vol. 20, Issue 40

Dear Etiquetteer:

A dear friend who lost her husband last year is now attempting to plan a get together of friends and colleagues for a remembrance. She has two quandaries attempting to plan a gathering while attempting to maintain perfect propriety. No. 1: how to properly announce a gathering with such a somber purpose (by post, telephone, electronic means, etc.). No. 2: how to politely inquire about attendance intent in order to properly plan for seating, food, and beverage, without also creating an expectation or imposition of attendance.

Dear Friend:

The only thing that makes this memorial gathering different from any other party with a meal is its purpose, to remember the deceased. Of course this somber reason makes it feel different. While your friend’s second-guessing is completely normal, she should proceed as for any other party.

All the usual mechanisms for invitations and responses apply. Unless this is to be a very formal event, an email invitation makes sense. Make sure to send it bcc: to prevent an Endless Loop of Reply All Replies; those are especially aggravating to those who can’t attend. Like any other invitation, it should let the guests know what to expect: who, what, when, where, why. They will want to know about directions, parking, what to wear, and what to bring (or not bring). Guests may also have questions about COVID-19 masking and social distancing during this transitional period as restrictions are being lifted.

Including a response deadline doesn’t create an expectation that people have to attend, only that they have to respond. Etiquetteer wouldn’t go any further than including something like “We’re doing this so that those who want to remember [Insert Name of Deceased Here] as a group have an opportunity to come together.”

That said, it would be very awkward to turn away anyone who didn’t respond if they just showed up for a memorial event. And it would be equally awkward if the refreshments ran out. Plan on an extra table (as space allows) for walk-ins, and always order extra food and drink. Gin never goes bad. Etiquetteer has a vague recollection of a passage from the brilliant Brazilian novel Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands by Jorge Amado about what to serve at a wake or funeral. The chapter concluded that you could omit everything, even the coffee (!), but at bare minimum there had to be a sufficient quantity of rum available for the mourners.

While this event is taking place well after the death of the deceased, your friend could still experience a range of emotions. Etiquetteer hopes that she has other family members or friends with her to help in realizing this event. She herself should plan not to lift a finger to do anything but talk to people. They will all want at least five minutes with her, which won’t be possible if she’s supervising a buffet or passing drinks (or managing a caterer or hotel staff).

Joy and sadness commingle on these occasions, when many stories and happy memories of the deceased are released from hearts to be shared. Etiquetteer wishes your friend and her family comfort and solace as they prepare for this meaningful gathering.

Random Memorial Day Weekend Thoughts, Vol. 20, Issue 39

Well, here we are, Actual Memorial Day May 30*, a cold and rainy Not At All Summery Launch of the Summer Season featuring — in Massachusetts anyway — a lifting of all coronavirus pandemic restrictions. So Etiquetteer’s mind is all over the place on a few possibly relevant items:

SEERSUCKER: A couple days ago, before the weather completely deteriorated, Etiquetteer climbed into a seersucker suit to run errands downtown. Two gentlemen passing by chose to comment on it. The first said “Nice look!” which was gratifying. The other, who had perhaps already enjoyed too much Fireball, took issue, beginning with “Ahhhh, yah wearin’ that a day early!” “Actually, no, this is the weekend we can start!” Etiquetteer smilingly replied while increasing his stride. Remember, seersucker is fine whenever the weather is warm, Mother told you not to talk to strangers, and being drunk in public does not make you as cute as Dean Martin or Foster Brooks, especially before noon.

OBSERVING MEMORIAL DAY: Everyone forgets that the actual purpose of Memorial Day is not to mark the official start of the summer season but to honor those in military service who have died**. The Memorial Day Foundation has some ideas about how you should observe Memorial Day. Etiquetteer always takes out Dear Grandfather’s*** copy of The Complete Poems of Robert W. Service to read aloud his favorite poem, “The Cremation of Sam McGee.” “In Flanders Field” might be considered more appropriate. If you are hosting a Memorial Day gathering like a picnic or a barbecue, Etiquetteer certainly recommends a moment of silence, brief prayer, and/or a toast in memory of Those Who Have Served.

PATIENCE: For some it’s a bitter blow that, on a long-anticipated holiday weekend when coronavirus pandemic restrictions are at last being lifted, the weather is so very very bad! An important part of Perfect Propriety is accepting these setbacks gracefully, with patience. As the late Victor Frankenstein so famously said, “If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace.” We have already come through so much, we cannot let the rain and clouds dampen our spirits! There’s plenty to do indoors, perhaps with a slightly expanded circle of people.

However you’re spending your Memorial Day weekend, Etiquetteer wishes you Safety, Joy, and of course, Perfect Propriety.

*Memorial Day is observed on the last Monday of May, but the Actual Day is May 30.

**The Veterans’ Administration history of Memorial Day, including its beginning as Decoration Day, is most helpful.

***A veteran of World War I.

Posy Pins and Boutonnieres, Vol. 20, Issue 38

Many years ago, Dear Mother mailed Etiquetteer a curious accessory of her late father’s, a gentleman always conscious of his clothes and appearance. A small glass vial with a bulb at one end and a flared top, its purpose was to keep a gentleman’s boutonniere fresh throughout the day — a vase for one’s lapel. Alas, Etiquetteer never got to use it; it was too fragile to survive postage.

Inspired by an Instagram follower (you are following Etiquetteer on Instagram, yes?), Etiquetteer was actually able to purchase one on the internet. But what really IS the story with these posy pins? How did they get started, and are they really Perfectly Proper?

The Usual Suspects have kept mum on this item. Emily Post doesn’t breathe a word. In her first edition, the only references to boutonnieres have to do with weddings (the groom provides them), hunting (ladies should only wear a white carnation, a small bunch of violets, or nothing in their lapels), or evening clothes (only a white flower, please). She certainly doesn’t mention this contraption in her comments on a gentleman’s jewelry.

Nor does Millicent Fenwick in her Vogue’s Book of Etiquette, but about men’s jewelry she comments “The first rule . . . is that nothing should be worn that is not functional, with the single exception of a ring.” Etiquetteer accepts this as permission to posy pin away; its purpose is to keep the boutonniere fresh.

Etiquetteer really likes this little glass trinket, but current versions are more likely to be made of silver. Indeed, it seems the actor who played Hercule Poirot in a television series wore one, which has made them a bit of a fetish in the Agatha Christie community. More information about those may be found at Gentleman’s Gazette.

If you’re going to attempt wearing this delightfully dandyish accessory, Etiquetteer recommends you:

• Make sure your buttonhole is open and unobstructed. It gets tricky inserting that pin into a buttonhole sewn shut. You might even want to put it in before you put on your jacket.

• Use an eye dropper to fill it, to keep from having to dry the exterior. Don’t overfill.

• Stem length makes all the difference.

Boutonnieres faded away from daily life after World War II, like so much else. The last reference Etiquetteer can think of is Waldo Lydecker in Laura. A white carnation makes a perfect finishing touch for a gentleman in evening clothes, which Mrs. Post reminds us should be only black and white, including the flower. With the dress codes of Creative Black Tie and Festive Black Tie, etc., gentlemen have more opportunity for color. But remember what Auntie Mame told Agnes Gooch: “Put down that lime green at once, Agnes. You’re supposed to dominate it!”

Whatever this white flower is couldn’t be more Perfectly Proper in a pinch.

Nowadays the boutonniere gets used for special holidays (e.g. Remembrance Day poppies), for pallbearers, and especially for weddings. Etiquetteer can go along with colorful buttonholes for weddings, and even for weddings with relaxed dress codes*, but really . . . a boutonniere is an ornament for a lapel. To balance a flower in a shirt pocket, pin it to a suspender, or — heaven knows how — adhere it to a bare chest, though . . . somehow that feels more musical comedy than Perfect Propriety.

In closing, a boutonniere is not an all-you-can-eat salad bar. Keep it simple, and keep it lightweight so that your lapel doesn’t buckle.

A dandelion should be good for something besides bees and wine, but it wouldn’t be suitable for a formal occasion.

*Etiquetteer can just imagine how much this shocks you.

Turtle Soup, Vol. 20, Issue 37

World Turtle Day is May 23, established by American Tortoise Rescue “to help people celebrate and protect turtles and tortoises and their disappearing habitats around the world.” One important reason for this was the overhunting of turtles in the 19th and early 20th centuries for turtle soup, one of the culinary status symbols of the age.

Turtle, or terrapin, soup was one of two required delicacies on the Victorian menu to establish a Perfectly Proper formal dinner as an Occasion*. It began appearing on American dinner tables almost as soon as the colonists landed. It doesn’t sound very easy to manage — Victorian cooks said a 120-pound turtle was ideal — but then by the 1920s Campbell’s had created a canned version. As it went from popularity to craze to costly luxury, cooks had to come up with an economical substitute for everyone Trying to Keep Up. That’s how mock turtle soup came to be, using a calf’s head or “brains or other organ meats”** for turtle. It eventually became popular in its own right.

With the robust exuberance of the period, silversmiths created special silver just for this dish. You’ll find some surprising images of terrapin forks here and here at the Silver Pieces — The Strange and Peculiar blog. As that blogger observes, the shape is very like the 20th-century plastic spork, possibly quite useful for a meaty soup or stew. Etiquetteer can’t help thinking that drips would be a problem, but then the Victorians even ate ice cream with forks. Perhaps the vogue for forks collapsed along with that for turtle soup . . .

Because the vogue for turtle soup did sputter to an end at the midcentury. A 1947 article in Life magazine helped to explain why turtle soup became a regional instead of required delicacy. The ingredients, including sea turtles and bottles of well-aged sherry, "are not all easy to obtain." (It’s interesting to note that sherry is not only an ingredient in turtle soup, but the wine to serve with the soup course.) Plus, sea turtles were so darned ornery about being captured; Etiquetteer can’t imagine why . . . One region where turtle soup still reigns supreme is New Orleans, and Etiquetteer was able to enjoy a plate of turtle soup at Brennan’s in 2016. A savory and rich brown soup, it was easy to understand why it was so popular in Days of Yore.

Aside from rarity, the sort of formal dinner at which turtle soup was indispensable was also falling out of vogue. The informality of the postwar years featured cocktail parties, buffets, and picnics more than “stuffy” dinner parties. That said, Etiquetteer longs for a return to a Perfectly Proper dinner party — but not with anything on the menu that’s approaching extinction, thank you very much.

*The other was canvasback duck or Long Island duckling. You simply had to have one or the other.

**A dear lady Etiquetteer has been privileged to know lo these many years once asked “You know what causes gout, don’t you? Organ meats!”

Online Gratitude, Vol. 20, Issue 36

Dear Etiquetteer:

One of the things I find terribly annoying is the tendency of individuals and organizations to not respond to comments and questions on their social media posts, specifically Facebook and Instagram.

It often seems to be true of accounts that receive a lot of complimentary feedback. It’s as if they are there to just soak up praise without actually interacting with people who take the time to follow and support them. How rude!

Even when there are too many comments to respond to, one might post a blanket, “Thank you for all of the nice comments, I’m sorry I can’t respond to them all.” Just a thought!

Dear Ignored:

No matter how much we love celebrities, celebrities cannot love us back. Instagram especially has made us immeasurably closer to Global Figures. But they (or their social media managers) might be wary of nurturing too great a sense of False Intimacy with individual responses. Etiquetteer agrees with you, though, that a blanket “Thank you everyone for all the wonderful feedback!” at minimum is appropriate. Never forget the Little People! They put you on that pedestal, and they can topple you off it.

Further down the scale, the rest of us* can always do better. Not only does responding to individual comments and questions make one appear more engaged, the process also makes one more familiar with one’s audience. Being able to distinguish true fans, lucrative patrons, and potential stalkers is an art that can only be cultivated by direct engagement. And that knowledge, in turn, can reveal who to encourage, or not.

Because the reverse side of the coin is Ceaseless Fan Demands Veering on Creepy Obsession. Etiquetteer was stunned several years ago when cartoonist Lynn Johnston completely ended the Patterson family’s story in her beloved For Better or For Worse comic strip**. As I recall, she commented at the time that no matter how much additional detail she added about characters or story lines, it was never enough for her fans. (That said, she was always good about sharing gratitude.) And then there’s Kathy Bates in Misery . . .

But for those of us grounded in Sanity who only want to feel noticed and appreciated, Etiquetteer offers you compassion, and the promise to do better. The neglect you perceive says more about them than you.

*By which Etiquetteer means all stripes of creatives, including artists, performers, musicians, crafters, “sewists,” historical reenactors, gurus, and um, writers😬.

**In Etiquetteer’s family there was universal shared interest in two important series: the original Perry Mason and For Better or For Worse.

Epitaphs, Vol. 20, Issue 35

During the pandemic the local cemetery has become Etiquetteer’s refuge from the world; nothing is bothering the permanent residents, so why should anything bother the living? It has led Etiquetteer to consider what makes a Perfectly Proper epitaph. An epitaph is officially defined as anything inscribed on a grave, but let’s look beyond the basics of names, dates, and locations.

A Perfectly Proper epitaph should be brief, concise, and capture the essence of the deceased’s legacy. Obviously “Rest in Peace” is the classic. “Rest in Power” has become fashionable in the last few years. Then there’s family position: Father, Mother, Husband, Wife, Brother, Sister, etc. Often kind adjectives are thrown in, like Loving, Kind, Devoted, Beloved, Dutiful, as the deceased merited and the family could afford. Etiquetteer loved finding the grave of a husband and wife on which the man merited no special words, but the wife’s name was preceded by “His wife, the Incomparable Lady.” What could be more Perfectly Proper? And what could be more poignant than “My Dear Mother Left Me With Precious Memories?”

The story of Consuelo Vanderbilt is instructive. She was famous for many reasons: as a beauty, as the daughter of her dominant mother Alva, as the wife and ex-wife of the Duke of Marlborough, as a loving and charitable Duchess, and as the wife of her second husband Jacques Balsan. Of all possible epitaphs, she chose not to be identified as her mother’s daughter or the wife of a husband, but as “Mother of the Tenth Duke of Marlborough,” and to be buried at a country church with her second son not far from Blenheim, the family seat.*

Job titles are often added: Inventor, Businessman, Artist, Poet, etc. And sometimes career goals. One read “His Lifework the Elevation of Mankind.” Lysander Spooner’s (1808-1887) epitaph includes “Champion of Liberty” along with all his occupations: “Lawyer, Abolitionist, Entrepreneur, Legal Theorist, & Scholar.” A Civil War soldier who fought for the Union is buried with the epitaph “Loyal and True to Country and his God.” “A Friend of Organized Labor” stands out on another headstone, along with a carving of two clasped hands. It also includes the name of the labor union that paid for the headstone, a reminder that a tombstone’s legacy isn’t always only that of the deceased.

The Bible and other religious texts yield many possible epitaphs. Etiquetteer was struck last year with one headstone that read “His servants shall serve him and they shall see his face.” This turns out to be Revelation 22:4, and could take on sinister connotations depending on who the deceased was serving in life. Others Etiquetteer has noticed:

• “They rest from their labors.” Revelation 14:13

• “I shall be satisfied.” Psalms 17:15

• “He giveth his beloved sleep.” Psalms 127:2

• “Until the day break and the shadows flee away.” Song of Solomon 2:17

• “An excellent spirit was in him.” Daniel 6:3**

Popular choices from the Bible may be found here.

A favorite epitaph from William Shakespeare is the quotation from Antony and Cleopatra selected for the Marchesa Luisa Casati by her granddaughter, Lady Moorea Black: “Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety.” Considering the Marchesa’s monumentally bizarre clothes, tastes, and parties, nothing could have been more Perfectly Proper.

Popular culture also yields meaningful last words. Etiquetteer loves the married couple buried together under the epitaph “For Me and My Gal,” referring to the song made popular by Gene Kelly and Judy Garland. But Etiquetteer has mixed feelings about Dorothy Parker’s famous choice, “Excuse My Dust.”***

These are all worth thinking about as you consider your own epitaph. You may wish to leave that to your descendants . . . but they may think you deserve less than you think you do. There are many ways to intepret “I Did It My Way” . . . Etiquetteer wishes you profitable speculation as you consider your own last words.

*Read all about it in Consuelo and Alva Vanderbilt, by Amanda Mackenzie Stuart. For this reason Etiquetteer could not possibly be buried with the family; the only possible epitaph then would be “The Prodigal Son Returneth.”

**Irreverently, Etiquetteer always considers this at 5:00 PM, the traditional start of the cocktail hour.

***See also her delightful set of poems “Tombstones in the Starlight.”

Exit, Pursued by a Bore, Vol. 20, Issue 34

Faith! He must make his stories shorter//Or change his comrades once a quarter. — Jonathan Swift

Recently Etiquetteer saw a complaint on social media from someone beset with a "bugaboo creeper." Etiquetteer was unfamilar; was it a sort of plant? Apparently it is, a sort of Social Kudzu that overpowers everything*. In short, it's a Bore at a party who will pursue you from room to room, talking ceaselessly, oblivious to attempts to shake him or her off. Since many of us expect to return to an in-person social life over the summer (depending on individual levels of comfort before, during, or after vaccination), it might be helpful to review how to detach a Bore, and how to avoid being a Bore.

Bores are people, too, and just as much entitled to compassion as the rest of us. Their compulsion to talk, more often than not, is caused by social anxiety, of wanting to be at the party without really knowing how to be at the party. There's this idea that if you're at a cocktail party or other large gathering you simply must be seen in animated conversation in a throng. Detached observers are sadly underrated. 

Wanting to be in the thick of things, perhaps nervous about not knowing anyone besides the hosts, Bores bore in and bore on. This can feel very taxing when they persist in not picking up on social cues. 

Detaching a Bore takes finesse. One doesn't want to be rude**, but one also wants to experience more of the party. The classic maneuver is to create an excuse to go elsewhere. "Oh dear, won't you excuse me? I need to [Insert Your Choice Here]: a) see Nick and Nora before they go, b) get some hors d'oeuvres, c) make the rounds, d) avoid an old beau." Some phrases that should be unmistakable farewells include "Nice to see you," "Enjoy the rest of the party!" "I'm so glad we got to talk," or "Thank you and good night." Probably the most extreme would be "I'm so sorry, my brain is full."

Etiquetteer has sometimes used the line "Oh, there's too much air in my glass, excuse me"*** before heading to the bar for refills. This is a kinder version of what Quintus does to poor Catherine Sloper in The Heiress, ditching her in the summer house with a promise to return with claret cup, but always intending to desert her. Not really Perfectly Proper. In fact, it's kind of mean. If you say you’re fetching a drink for someone, fetch it.

Retreating to the bathroom is risky because there's only one exit, and it's entirely possible your Bore could be waiting patiently for you to emerge. 

So, if you’re realizing that someone’s ready to leave you, how should you react? First, it really must be understood, pursuit is not Perfectly Proper. If someone has said that they need to move along (see above), it's a sign that your conversation has ended, even if your story has not. You may do one of two things: remain where you are, or invent your own party errand in the opposite direction. Following the other person, or deciding to move off in the same direction, indicates unawareness. Etiquetteer really favors making a casual circuit of the gathering; that’s how new conversations start.

You should acknowledge the end of your chat with a brief reply, something like "Enjoy!" or "Have fun" or "So glad we could talk." "I'll tell you the rest some other time" might sound like a threat; Etiquetteer knows that’s not what you mean. Don't imply that you've been a Bore.

Etiquette is situational awareness. Be aware of whether or not you're losing your audience. If you think you are, throw them the conversational ball by asking a question. And then who knows, maybe then you'll be the one finding too much air in your glass . . . 

Etiquetteer wishes you joy and Perfect Propriety at as many summer parties are you feel safe attending.

*The only proven antidote to kudzu, to Etiquetteer's knowledge, is goats. And that's worth meditating on . . . 

**One shouldn't want to be rude . . .

***From Alfred Hitchcock's Rope.

Vaccine Issues and Mother's Day Gifts, Vol. 20, Issue 33

Dear Etiquetteer:

I just found out that a very close friend is not planning on getting the vaccine. I haven't see her since before lockdown last year. I respect her right to decline the immunization, even though I don't understand it, but I'm not sure what to say now that she's suggested we get together for a visit.

Dear Vaccinated:

These situations are going to become more and more common as more people a) get the vaccine, and b) don’t get the vaccine. The true answer isn’t going to come from Etiquetteer; it’s going to come from your heart. How comfortable are you going to be in physical proximity to someone who hasn’t been vaccinated? Once you decide that, things become clearer.

If you decide that you aren’t comfortable, suggest an online meetup using Mutually Agreeable Technology (e.g. Zoom, Facetime, etc.). As you respect your friend’s decision not to get the vaccine, so should she respect your decision to safeguard your health. Explain kindly that you just aren’t ready for in-person socializing.

But let’s say you’d feel OK getting together with some precautions — for instance if you were to meet outdoors, or maintaining social distance of six feet, or if both of you wore masks. Be kind but candid about what would make your get-together truly relaxing and valuable.

Dear Etiquetteer:

What is your advice for one's spouse who is a mother? Does one give a gift to one's spouse on Mother's Day? What sort of gift is proper?

Dear Thoughtful:

It’s funny, but the first thing Etiquetteer thought of was a footnote from How to Set Up for a Mah-Jongg Game and Other Lost Arts, by Joan Gelman and Carol E. Rinzler: “A lady never accepts an expensive gift from a gentleman who isn’t her husband. A lady never accepts a gift from her husband that isn’t expensive.”

Even in dual-income households, mothers continue to bear well more than half of the burdens of childcare and housekeeping. And for everyone, the pandemic has made this even more stressful. Statistics show that most families give their mothers cards, flowers, or a meal out. Also jewelry (59%). But rather than rubies* or a mother’s birthstone ring, Etiquetteer thinks the gift of Time might be most welcome. “Honey, I’ll be completely responsible for the kids today so that you can just have time to yourself” could be the Sweetest Words She’ll Want to Hear. They’ll sound sweeter with an accompanying gift certificate for some sort of self-care, anything from a spa treatment to lunch out with her closest friends.

If you decide on flowers — always Perfectly Proper — choose her favorite. But it turns out the traditional Mother’s Day flower is the white carnation. These were the favorite of Ann Reeves Jarvis, the mother of Anna Jarvis, who started the modern tradition of Mother’s Day over 100 years ago — and then campaigned against it when it became too commercial**. Etiquetteer remembers as a schoolboy presenting Dear Mother with a handmade red carnation; in Mother’s Day symbolism, red carnations are given to mothers whose own mothers are living, and white to those whose mothers have already died. But in later life, when it was discovered that Dear Mother had once been fond of cattlyea orchids, an orchid corsage would often be delivered a day early.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your family a beautiful and loving Mother’s Day.

*Proverbs 31:10: “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”

**Today, May 5, is another holiday that’s been commercialized beyond recognition, Cinco de Mayo. But then, what holiday hasn’t been commercialized, and what does that say about our culture?

Etiquetteer's Address to the Class of 2021, Vol. 20, Issue 32

Greetings, members of the graduating Class of 2021! Etiquetteer congratulates on your achievements on reaching this important milestone. The outside world needs your enthusiasm, your innovation, and your youthful energy to get us out of this awful mess.

It’s a rude, rude world you’re going into. But you have a secret weapon in your arsenal, a renewing quiver of golden arrows. It’s etiquette. It’s manners. Whether you know it or not, you need them — and most of you are already using at least a few of them.

Etiquette has a bad reputation, you know. Most people associate it with afternoon tea and ladies in hats looking down their noses to make people feel bad about themselves. That is an outdated view . . . though it has its attractions. Etiquetteer loves afternoon tea and ladies hats. It would be better if we could think of etiquette less as a weapon and more as a guide.

Because etiquette is not Downton Abbey. It is not about behaving grandly, which often looks fake unless you were actually born grand*. Etiquette is not about snappy comebacks; sorry, Dowager Countess! It is about how you make other people feel around you. Putdowns are so satisfying within our evil little hearts, but they are not the way to solve problems, and they are not the way to partnerships and alliances. Wicked and evil people do need to be put in their places, but it’s how you do it. Don’t vaporize, neutralize! Whoever described diplomacy as “the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip” absolutely got it right.**

Besides their snobbish reputation, good manners really took a hit during this endless year of the pandemic. Aside from the emotional strains of not being able to gather with loved ones — especially for milestone events like this graduation! — we have all been challenged with how to behave appropriately in new situations. Everyone has loved the more relaxed dress code of working or learning from home, but that’s led to some notable lapses in judgment like Poor Jennifer and that Canadian MP who accidentally stripped down in front of a live Zoom meeting because he thought the camera was off. Even though other people may not physically be in the same room with us, we need to act as though they were.

Etiquette is about keeping your cool under fire. Poise. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say “When you lose your temper, you lose your point.” And that’s another way of saying “Stay poised.” All the definitions of poise have to do with balance and equilibrium, but Etiquetteer’s favorite is “easy self-possessed assurance of manner: gracious tact in coping or handling [of situations].” Poise comes with self-confidence and experience. You’re already well on your way to gathering both.

So allow Etiquetteer to send you out into the world with these four pieces of advice:

• Use the thoughtful, pointed question instead of the snappy comeback.

• Always assume the camera is on, and keep all your clothes on in front of it.

• Be poised.

• Don’t look down your nose at someone over your teacup, but if you do, keep your pinky in.

Congratulations, Class of 2021! Best wishes for Perfectly Proper future, for you and all of us!

*Reminder: you weren’t.

**Apparently it was not Winston Churchill who said this.

Gift Cards vs. Neighborliness, Vol. 20, Issue 31

Dear Etiquetteer:

It used to be that one would do small things for the neighbors just to be civil; take in the mail and paper while they are away for a couple of days, check that the cat has water and kibble over the weekend, bring a mask and some small talk to the elderly lady down the road. One was just happy to have been helpful in a small way.

I have noticed in recent years that the recipients of such trivial gestures have found it needful to reimburse one in the form of gift cards and such. I find such gestures embarrassing. Am I expected to pay in kind should I ask that they scoop the Sunday paper off the driveway some weekend?

Dear Neighborly:

Alas, gift cards are the new baked goods. And you’re right, they seem more transactional than neighborly. Convenience has trumped Thoughtfulness. Etiquetteer doesn’t really like it either. In this case, you may feel like the staff being tipped instead of a neighbor being thanked.

Your aversion to the gift card, however, obscures the proper place of a Tangible Gesture of Gratitude for Neighborly Assistance. Before gift cards, it wasn’t unusual for baked goods to be offered, or souvenirs of travel destinations from vacationers. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) benefited from the kindness of a neighbor every day. On his morning walk he would move her freshly delivered newspaper from wherever the newsboy tossed it to her front stoop, saving her steps. Every once in awhile she would pop over with something fresh from the oven for him and his wife, but not every day, or even every month. Etiquetteer, after a week caring for a neighbor’s tomato plants, was surprised and delighted to receive a small basket of tomatoes from those same plants.

If you are not comfortable expressing gratitude with a gift card, don’t. A Lovely Note is always Most Perfectly Proper anyway. But consider a Tangible Gesture, too, like banana bread or cookies. Etiquetteer, for instance, always finds baked goods useful, even if his waistline does not . . .

And speaking of Neighborliness, this coming Saturday, May 1, is not just Kentucky Derby, but also World Naked Gardening Day*. Back in Volume 15 Etiquetteer shared a few dos and don’ts for this novel, perhaps controversial Day of Horticulture. You may wish to review if you feel anxious about seeing more of your neighbors than you prefer.

*Always observed on the first Saturday of May.

Silver Placement, Vol. 20, Issue 30

Dear Etiquetteer:

If one is serving the salad after the main course, are the positions of the salad fork and place fork switched? Another, somewhat related, question: what type of salad would require a salad knife, other than perhaps a wedge salad?

Dear Puzzled Placesetter:

We are now so used to having the salad first that it feels odd not to have the salad fork on the outside. But Craig Claiborne clears the confusion nicely in his Elements of Etiquette: A Guide to Table Manners in an Imperfect World: “Place forks on the left of the plate in the order of usage. The first one farthest from the plate is the one to be used first.” So it might not feel Perfectly Proper to put the salad fork on the inside if the salad is served in its original place on the menu, after the main course, but it actually is.

As to the necessity of a salad knife, you just don’t know when it’s going to come in handy. For a too-large forkful of greens, a knife can help ease off the excess. Don’t most niçoise salads have full-length green beans in them? And then there’s the Cherry Tomato Bomb. So often when an unsliced cherry tomato is pierced with a fork, it squirts its guts all over your good clothes. For when the cook has neglected to slice, always cut your own tomato to prevent an explosion. So let’s keep the salad knife. As Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say, “Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.”

Dear Etiquetteer:

Only recently I found out that a regular soup spoon is only for clear soup, and that heartier soups with a lot of stuff in them get a different kind of soup spoon with a round bowl. Is this really true, and if it is, what on earth are you supposed to do if you’re served one kind of soup with the other kind of soup spoon?

Dear Soupy:

Whoever gave you that information wasn’t exactly joshing. Back in the day formal dinners would include a choice of soups, clear or thick (often referred to as a cream soup, but not always including cream). Gradually during the 19th century cream soups were no longer offered — and that’s just as well. What a bother, having two different offerings!*

A soup spoon has a large oval bowl, and a cream soup spoon’s bowl is round. There’s even another, larger round soup spoon sometimes called a chowder spoon, but it seems that these are quite rare and we don’t have to bother about them now. And here’s some interesting Spoon Trivia. According to Sterling Silver Flatware for Dining Elegance, cream soup spoons are “a standard item in a six piece place setting in most of the United State, though not in the South, where the iced tea spoon is the fifth member in a place setting.” This would explain why Dear Grandmother’s silver has iced tea spoons and no soup spoons at all . . . but not why she had an armory’s worth of butter knives**.

If some evening you happen to be served a thick soup with a regular soup spoon and not a cream soup spoon, the most Perfectly Proper thing to do is Shut Up and Eat. As Marty Feldman so memorably said in Young Frankenstein, “Say nothing, act casual.”

*Nowadays you just know someone would ask to try both, wreaking havoc with the service . . . this is a dinner party, not an ice cream shop . . .

**Etiquetteer is really at a loss to explain why so many people now refer to “butter spreaders” instead of a Perfectly Proper butter knife. Autre temps, autre moeurs . . .