Kyla Ebbert’s Airline Wardrobe Brouhaha, Vol. 6, Issue 30

Once again bad behavior on the airlines is in the news, but Etiquetteer never expected it to have to do with a passenger’s wardrobe. As is frequently the case, there’s plenty of blame to go around.

The story in brief: in response to a complaint, a Southwest Airlines customer service representative tried to pull 23-year-old student and Hooters waitress Kyla Ebbert from a flight because her outfit was too skimpy. Ms. Ebbert felt humiliated and her mother felt angry. Because they haven’t received an apology from the airline, they have taken their story to the TODAY show.

Etiquetteer will turn his attention to Ms. Ebbert’s ensemble in a moment, but first must express sympathy with "Keith," the airline employee who had to address Ms. Ebbert. Southwest told TODAY that "Southwest Airlines was responding to a concern about Ms. Ebbert’s revealing attire on the flight that day." Etiquetteer takes this to mean that some busybody passenger decided to make trouble. With the Climate of Terrorism that already surrounds air travel, is this really the best use of an airline’s time? Whoever that passenger is ought to be heartily ashamed.

The Southwest response to TODAY continued "When a concern is brought to our Employees' attention, we address that situation directly with the Customer(s) involved in a discreet and professional manner." With passengers packed so tightly into an airplane, where is the opportunity for discretion? Even asking a passenger to return to the jetway calls attention, thereby eliminating discretion. Long story short, "Keith" made the best of a terrible situation for him. Etiquetteer can only commend him and deplore the situation he was put into by whoever was complaining AND the airline.

Now (said Etiquetteer rubbing his hands with glee) we can address what Ms. Ebbert actually wore on the flight. Her white denim miniskirt, "wifebeater" tanktop, and what Etiquetteer would describe as a green "matador-style" sweater have already been seen on national television and the Internet. Unfortunately for her sense of entitlement and righteous indignation, TODAY had to blur out her crotch when she wore that outfit on the show and sat down. Let’s just say that weakened her argument that there was nothing wrong with her outfit! Etiquetteer is hardly going to suggest that women go around in burqas or Mother Hubbards, but if you can see all the way to Crawford’s Notch when you’re seated, you are not dressed like a lady. Perhaps it has something to do with working at Hooters? Etiquetteer will let you decide that one.

But the single most tasteless decision made in this whole sorry story was the decision Ms. Ebbert and her mother made to bring this story to the national news. Having bad taste and, unfortunately, getting called out for it is one thing. Splashing your humiliation (and your air-brushed panties) all over the media is the most embarrassing thing the Ebberts could have done, if only they had the sense to realize it. What was Mrs. Ebbert doing there in the first place? Her daughter is over 21; hasn’t she been raised to fight her own battles?

Lots of people on the Internet are calling Ms. Ebbert filthy names not worth repeating here. Etiquetteer will only say that she has been sadly misguided about what is Perfectly Proper for a lady to wear and not be thought a Lady of the Evening only. In the meantime, Etiquetteer can only repeat what he’s said before: "No one wants to see your underwear outside the bedroom . . . and maybe not even there."

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Restaurant Etiquette, Vol. 6, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer:

Recently, a friend and I went to dinner at a Cape Cod restaurant where we both summer. Normally, their service is quite good. This night, they seated us immediately, handed us menus – which we perused then closed in anticipation of service – and then promptly forgot us. No water, no bread, no announcement of specials, no indication of who our server was, nothing. We tried to get their attention, to no avail. Others came in after us, were seated, given water, told specials, etc. Finally, we simply left our menus on the table, got up, and left. No one stopped us or even seemed to notice. But it still felt rude to me to be doing so. Was our behavior not Perfectly Proper? Should we have done something else?

Dear Dining:

Your question mystifies Etiquetteer. How is it rude to leave a restaurant where the staff forgot about you as soon as you arrived? While accidents do happen, few are as frustrating as waiters forgetting about your existence, especially when one’s arrival at the theatre could be compromised by slow service. Etiquetteer could not possibly fault your behavior. You could even have told the manager, politely but very firmly, why you were leaving without losing your Perfect Propriety.

Etiquetteer remembers all too vividly standing at the hosts’s station of a popular local diner at Sunday brunch a few years ago. A Gentleman of a Race Other Than the Host’s, approached on his way out and told the host he’d been waiting over 20 minutes for any service and decided "Maybe that has to do with my [Insert Racial Identity Here]." The host tried to persuade the gentleman to remain for better service, but the gentleman, wisely, chose to leave anyway. Etiquetteer can only fault him for making Race part of the issue.

While there are many tipping deadbeats out there who fail inexcusably to acknowledge good service appropriately, there are also a number of super-entitled waiters and waitresses who feel the world owes them a 20% tip just for showing up. On another occasion, some 20 years ago, Etiquetteer and two friends ducked into a downtown Thai restaurant for what turned out to be a long dinner. We waited 15 minutes for the menus, 20 minutes for the waitress to take our order and practically an Ice Age for dinner, which was served without the white rice that had been ordered. Thoroughly tired out by this experience, Etiquetteer and his companions decided not to leave a tip. Before we had walked 20 feet from the restaurant the manager had pursued us out the door to ask why we hadn’t left a tip! Etiquetteer made quite certain he knew about every defect in the service after that.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was taught from the very beginning that you never ever put silverware you’ve used on the tablecloth or the table. More and more, however, I’ve noticed that some restaurants just provide silverware for one course. A friend and I were kind of annoyed by this when we went out recently. After we finished our salads I put my utensils on my plate, only to have the waiter put them on the table before clearing. My friend had not used his knife in the first course and tried to balance his fork on top of it to keep it from touching the table, but didn’t succeed. Why do restaurants do this? Is it OK to ask for more silverware?

Dear Forked:

To his chagrin, Etiquetteer has noticed this behavior and doesn’t like it one bit. Etiquetteer has seen this in, shall we say, pubs and restaurants devoted to "casual dining." But just because dining is "casual" doesn’t mean it should be careless. With a Sincere Smile, and not forgetting to say "please," ask for clean utensils as soon as you see your waiter begin to remove them from the table. In the emergency absence of any place to put your utensils, Etiquetteer can only suggest using your napkin (usually a paper one in such establishments) until your waiter brings you a breadplate.

Finally, Etiquetteer would like to congratulate Francesca and Tobias Bazarnick on their marriage, now officially solemnized on two continents, and lift a glass to wish them long life and happiness together. Per cent'anni, amici!

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Handy One-Liners, Vol. 6, Issue 27

Sometimes it’s best just to let etiquette speak for itself commonsensically:

  • Hang up and drive.
  • Shut up and eat.
  • If you’re gonna go, go.*
  • Never ask why you weren’t invited; you might find out.
  • Never ask why someone didn’t show up; you might find out.
  • R.s.v.p. now; you won’t get a better offer.
  • If you don’t know what to wear, ask the hosts. If they say "Oh, anything" ask what they’re wearing.
  • Nobody wants to see your underwear outside the bedroom. And maybe not even there . . .
  • For handkerchiefs, carry one to show and one to blow.
  • For jewelry, put on everything you think is right and take one piece off. Too bad this can’t be done with piercings and tattoos.
  • For Maximum Fun Potential, arrive on time. This fashionable lateness stuff is a pain.
  • Don’t start eating until the hostess lifts her fork.
  • If you’re allergic, don’t eat it.
  • If you’re not allergic, shut up and eat.
  • One more drink and you’ll be under the host.**
  • Send the thank-you note the next day.
  • Unless you’re the bride, don’t wear white or ivory or "champagne" to the wedding.
  • Unless it’s a tuxedo, don’t wear black to the wedding.
  • Don’t bring your wedding gift to the wedding.
  • Ladies first, unless you’re going downstairs, off a bus, or through a revolving door.
  • Serve from the left, remove from the right.
  • Turn off your cell phone at the table, in the theatre, in the cinema, and in the bathroom.
  • If you’re talking on your cell phone in public, don’t get indignant when someone starts asking you questions about your phone conversation. It’s your own fault blabbing about your business on the street in the first place.
  • If you want to hang around, you’ll be polite.***
  • Don’t make trouble. On the other hand, if you’re bleeding, not saying anything will make trouble.
  • There’s no place for your PDA at the table, either your Personal Digital Assistant or your Public Display of Affection.
  • It may be five o’clock somewhere, but if it’s not five o’clock here, it’s time to switch back to ginger ale.
  • A theatre is not a stadium. Keep your seat until intermission.
  • Reference to flatulence is rude. Remember, "he who smelt it dealt it."
  • All you have to say is "No thank you;" no explanation is required.
  • And of course Etiquetteer’s guiding motto: no one cares what you want or how you feel, so just be polite.

Please share your own etiquette one-liners, or any manners question you have, with Etiquetteer at query <at> etiquetteer.com!* Courtesy of great-grandmother Dougherty.** Courtesy of Dorothy Parker.*** Courtesy of Sam Spade in "The Maltese Falcon."

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Reader Response: Jury Duty: Vol. 6, Issue 26

Etiquetteer was delighted to hear from a few readers aboutthe most recent column:

From a Webmistress: Jury duty is one of those topics that compels me to write. It always, always distresses me when people joke about trying to skip jury duty. I have been called for jury duty more than anyone I know, and have yet actually to be a juror. The closest I ever got was I got seated once, but was thrown off the case right after the young man in leather jacket and chains. The case was too close to my only experience with the legal system, I guess, for the lawyers to think I could be impartial. I got my first summons at the age of 18, for my college dorm address!

But I want to be a juror. I would be a good juror, and pay attention. I think our legal system - flawed though it may be - is an important part of what America the nation is. So each time I go, but now I bring a good thick book with me. And if anyone around me ever speaks of trying to get off, I lecture them with every ounce of indignation I feel. Just because I was born in this country (ancestors on the Mayflower even, as well as much more recent immigrants on my family tree) doesn't mean I take being American lightly. I want to be a juror. And I will, some day, I am sure.

Etiquetteer responds: As one who has served on one civil trial jury and two criminal trial juries (once as foreman), Etiquetteer has served about 40% of the times he’s been called since becoming eligible for jury duty in the early 1980s. Etiquetteer even remembers completing Christmas cards while waiting to be summoned for jury duty one December, and heartily endorses your advice to bring a good thick book with you for the waiting period.

 

From a medical professional: First, the last thing I would ever want (if I found myself in that situation) is a trial by jury. I mean, to be "judged" by a random collection of 12 (possibly angry men, angry because they are serving on the jury against their will) would never work for me. I don't have that level of faith in my fellow citizen to synthesize a correct conclusion based on complicated presentations of conflicting information. I just could not consider putting the outcome of my trial in their hands.

Secondly, being a self-employed person (as I am) does not exempt one from jury duty. Employees of large corporations have their salaries paid to them for their time out of the office. Unfortunately, there is no one paying me when I am out of the office for any reason, civic responsibilities not being an exception. And as a matter of fact, I have to hire someone to be there to see my patients, at a considerable expense. One or two days of this every few years is fine. But, to be "stuck" on a trial lasting weeks or months would create a great financial hardship. Again financial hardship is not a reason to be excused from your call to duty. Serving under duress would cloud objective thinking and consideration of an evidence stream.

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Jury Duty, the Queen, and Lady Bird, Vol. 6, Issue 23

Etiquetteer has been gravely disappointed in three recent news stories that show how Perfect Propriety is being compromised in the courtroom, ostensibly one of the last places any kind of Dignity is required in public.

Too many Americans consider only their rights and not their duties as citizens. The right to vote, for instance, involves the duty of actually showing up at the polls to vote. Trial by jury is one of the most valuable freedoms we have in the United States. Jury duty, though frequently inconvenient, should therefore be treated respectfully. All of us have heard stories about how sundry citizens have tried to get out of jury duty, but the blatant lying of Massachusetts resident Daniel Ellis left Etiquetteer breathless with indignation. Describing himself as a homophobe, a racist, and a habitual liar, Mr. Ellis overplayed his hand. ," Barnstable Superior Court Judge Gary Nickerson was quoted in the preliminary transcript saying he had "never confronted such a brazen situation of an individual attempting to avoid juror service."

Having made it onto a jury, jurors then have a duty actually to pay attention to the trial and deliberate honestly and thoughtfully with fellow jurors. Using a court trial as a chance to catch up on your iPod listening is shocking. Cloaking this bad behavior with religious headgear comes as close to heresy as Etiquetteer can imagine. But this is exactly what an unnamed Muslim woman did while serving on a jury in Blackfriars Central Court, London. Under cover of her hijab, this Reluctant Juror tuned out the trial and tuned in the Music of Her Choice. Undone by the sound leaking out (one would think she’d have thought of that), she has now been cited for contempt of court and comes to a trial of her own on July 23.

Etiquetteer hopes that both of these jury shirkers get clapped in jail.

As if these instances didn’t compromise Perfect Propriety enough, comes now the story of Hamilton County (Ohio) Municipal Court Judge Ted Berry. When a hearty F-bomb was dropped on him by a convicted pothead sentenced to 30 days, Judge Berry unfortunately responded in kind. While sympathizing with the judge, who was clearly provoked, Etiquetteer cannot condone that sort of behavior from one whose manners set the tone for the entire courtroom.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How does one properly ask a crowned head of state to remove his or her crown?

Dear Saucy:

One does not! Off with your head!

Etiquetteer knows (as who could not?) that you refer to the alleged tiff between Elizabeth II and Annie Liebowitz. Thank goodness it was determined that it never occurred and that the docuumentary had been edited out of sequence and that Her Majesty didn’t really behave that way. Etiquetteer was irresistibly reminded of the Queen’s ancestress, Queen Victoria, who once ordered a photographer from the room when he instructed her to "try to look pleasant."

Etiquetteer was saddened to read of the death of Lady Bird Johnson, one of the most dignified and hospitable of First Ladies. Of the many challenges to Perfect Propriety she faced while in Washington, Etiquetteer could not help but recall her interaction with singer Eartha Kitt. Etiquetteer’s mother always said "When you lose your temper, you lose your point." La Kitt could have benefited from that knowledge during one of Lady Bird’s "Women Doers" luncheons at the White House. (How quaint it must have sounded, in those far-off days of the 1960s, that women could do anything. Thank goodness we’ve seen some progress on that front!) Using the luncheon’s topic of "crime in the city" as an opportunity sound off about the Vietnam War, La Kitt angrily suggested that young Americans were smoking pot to keep from getting drafted. During this tirade, Lady Bird successfully suppressed the visceral urge to respond and instead reminded herself "Be calm, be dignified." Indeed, what better reminder for us all?

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Travel Advisory: Etiquetteer travels by air, Vol. 6, Issue 24

This column also appeared in the July 12, 2007, edition of The Times of Southwest Louisiana.

Etiquetteer has weathered a number of challenges to Perfect Propriety, but Modern Air Travel recently took Etiquetteer for a ride, mounting roadblocks of all kinds. How Etiquetteer ever arrived at his final destination – albeit a day late and without a bow tie – with Perfect Propriety intact remains a mystery.

Negotiating with a cabby for whom English is not a first language is something one expects in Manhattan and foreign countries, not in one’s own town. Negotiating with a cabby for whom English is not a first language who wants to use a route one knows to be twice as expensive is something Etiquetteer wouldn’t wish on his worst friend. Etiquetteer got his way, of course, but then had to listen to a heavily-accented diatribe about it for ten minutes. If this is "celebrating cultural diversity," Etiquetteer has had quite enough.

Etiquetteer arrived at the airport looking Perfectly Proper for summer travel: blue seersucker suit, white bucks, crisply pressed shirt, bow tie, and Panama hat. Security screening required Etiquetteer to strip off just about half of his clothes. The family of four completing their post-screening toilette at the mouth of the metal detector managed to inconvenience just about everyone. While it’s never easy to finish dressing in public at a folding table, Etiquetteer must insist that you continue moving down the table with your belongings to speed this annoying process for everyone.

It’s one thing to board a plane, another to sit on it with no information as the clock inexorably ticks long past the departure time. The waiting becomes even more intolerable when one is squashed against the window seat in the last row of a slowly heating aircraft. Within 15 minutes the tie was sacrificed to the mounting heat in the cabin. After an unacceptably long delay with no information, the pilot crackled over the intercom that the plane would be rerouted due to bad weather, but that the reroute had not yet been completed and they didn’t expect it for at least another 20 minutes. This did at least give the cabin crew an opportunity to serve us parched passengers little cups of ice water. Etiquetteer applauds the flight attendants, who certainly endured this ordeal with Professional Aplomb. Etiquetteer was beginning to wilt.

Having departed over 80 minutes late, Etiquetteer knew he would miss his connecting flight. The rude shock that it was the last flight of the day and that the airline would not provide accommodations for stranded travelers (since the delay was not the airline's fault) sent Etiquetteer right up to the ragged edge of Perfect Propriety. All that was left to do was head for the restaurant and get a Suitably Large Cocktail and dinner. It would have been lovely if the restaurant kitchen hadn’t closed just as Etiquetteer arrived. This led Etiquetteer into line at the quickly-closing pizzeria behind two Gentlemen Older than Etiquetteer. After many questions about ingredients (at a pizzeria . . . honestly), they swept up the last two remaining sandwiches, leaving Etiquetteer with only cheese pizza and a Bad Attitude.

Cell phones have completely changed the way we travel and communicate, both for good and ill. The anxiety of having to wait in line to use a pay phone to call family or friends, who would have to be home to receive the call, is now past. Instead we have the anxieties of not having the cell phone numbers of family at the destination airport and of not having anywhere to recharge one’s phone before it completely loses power. There is also the necessity of having to take calls from those one will meet under any circumstances. Etiquetteer found it necessary to take three cell phone calls during "dinner" at the airport to confirm and reconfirm arrangements for the following day. At least Etiquetteer was not in the restroom at the time.

So with security requirements, flight delays, missed connections, and restaurants snapping shut like clams, Etiquetteer thinks it’s a marvel anyone can travel with Perfect Propriety unscathed. Next time Etiquetteer may well take the train.

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

 

Random Issues, Vol. 6, Issue 23

Dear Etiquetteer:

So, where are you really supposed to put your napkin after dinner? Do you put it on the table or on your seat? We got into this discussion after dinner one night ‘cause we were all using paper napkins and they looked gross.

Dear Dabbing:

This is why Etiquetteer really doesn’t like paper napkins. Not only do they fall on the floor, they do not hold up well if the meal is, uh, moist. One of Etiquetteer’s favorite pub foods is buffalo wings. Most of us know how easy it is to use an entire stack of paper napkins going through a plate of those!

No matter the material of the napkin, its Perfectly Proper place at the end of the meal is to the left of your plate, not on your seat. When paper napkins get particularly messy, Etiquetteer is sometimes driven to slipping them into his pants pockets, but this is really a Desperate Measure . . . and not an option for a lady in a skirt.

Dear Etiquetteer:

What is the proper way to deal with friends who blog with wild abandon, and include one's private matters in their online diaries? If one highly values one's privacy, is the only solution to curtail social contact with the blogging folks? How does one make it clear to cyber-exhibitionists that one does not wish to be the subject of their reporting?

Dear Exposed:

Your life doesn't become a blogger's property, even the parts of it you choose to spend with and/or in confide in him or her. As soon as you read or become aware of references to yourself in someone's blog, you should contact the blogger and request that those references be removed immediately. Repeat as necessary until the appropriate action has been taken, up to and including legal assistance. (Indeed, Etiquetteer became aware of an amateur photographer who had been threatened with a lawsuit if he didn't remove photos of a former friend from his blog.)

If you feel, after repeated instances of this behavior, that your private life is no longer truly private, Etiquetteer can only recommend that you no longer communicate with this person without witnesses.

Dear Etiquetteer:

A few months ago, we were talking about mailing a letter to a lawyer and his wife who's a doctor and you said the names should always be alphabetical, not Mr. first and Ms. second. But now we're down to the nitty gritty of wedding invitations and I have a few questions. I normally start with Mr. and Mrs., but here are the questions:

Mr. Arturo Swisserswatter and Ms. Igotta Cacciabutti (married couple -- should Mrs. come first?)

Mr. Galahad Familyman and Ms. Prunaprismia Amanuensis (not married, living together, one address, one invitation, but should our son Galahad come first?)

Ms. Antoinette Outlier and Mr. Lancelot Britlington (my married niece and her husband -- again, with different names, but I feel that my niece should come first).

I admit to different rules (in one case husband first, in another case the relative first). But what is the perfectly proper way to handle it? Or does it really matter?

Dear Familyman Patriarch:

Taking your examples one by one:

Ms. Igotta Cacciabutti

Mr. Arturo Swisserswatter

Yes, this is in fact correct, even though you and I were always taught that the gentleman comes first.

Mr. Galahad Familyman

Ms. Prunaprismia Amanuensis

Etiquetteer admits that ordinarily they should be listed alphabetically, but since this is a family wedding invitation and Galahad is the family member . . . well, Etiquetteer thinks that's a good enough reason to list him first. Etiquetteer has seen some universities list the name of the alumnus first and then the spouse, whether or not the last names are in alphabetical order. This seems a universal enough precedent to Etiquetteer to apply here.

Ms. Antoinette Outlier

Mr. Lancelot Britlington

Again, family may come first for a family wedding.

To answer your last question, you'd be surprised to whom it matters! People will interpret slights over the least little thing, especially at weddings.

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Random Issues and Comments, Vol. 6, Issue 22

This column appeared in the June 15 issue of The Times of Southwest Louisiana.

The death last month of Etiquetteer’s dear friend, Keith Gates, saddened all true lovers of Music and of Perfect Propriety in the Imperial Calcasieu area. At such times it is right and good to think about the influence our friends have on us, and Etiquetteer has been drawn to consider many people from Earlier Life who guided Etiquetteer in the ways of Perfect Propriety, including Keith.

These days the definition of "informal" seems to be "no visible tattoos or underwear," but it was Keith Gates Himself who taught a Teenage Etiquetteer its true definition, which for gentlemen is "coat and tie." Long ago in 1983, when Teenage Etiquetteer was briefly one of Keith’s students, Keith and the Perfectly Poised Christa kindly accepted an invitation to an "informal" dinner. Etiquetteer, not yet wise in the ways of the world, answered the door in shirtsleeves and couldn’t quite conceal his astonishment to see dinner guests dressed as though for church. Keith’s quiet example, underlined only by an arched eyebrow and his usual smile, could not have been more effective in getting across Who Was Correct and Who Was Not.

Keith’s examples of how to respond to a question with silence and how to make impromptu guests feel welcome and not in the way will long shine for Etiquetteer and, hopefully, all those who care about compassion. He was not only a Great Artist, but a true Christian Gentleman.

It’s often been said that "It takes a village to raise a child." Aside from Etiquetteer’s parents – who know all about Perfect Propriety – many villagers invested their time in Etiquetteer’s manners. From the neighbor across the street who explained that you don’t just walk into people’s houses without knocking to the many bad examples in the schoolyard, Etiquetteer learned a lot. From the late Rev. James Ailor, Etiquetteer learned that you never ever scream in pain during the benediction, no matter how hard the person next to you is maliciously squeezing the blister on your finger. Etiquetteer’s redoubtable grand-aunt, Kate Thompson, would sternly admonish "Ladies!" if ever Young Etiquetteer’s enthusiasm caused him to dash for the front of the line.

And since it’s just past Father’s Day, it’s appropriate to recall one of the many lessons Etiquetteer’s own father taught him: don’t buy gaudy jewelry for a girl you’re not really dating yet, and really, don’t buy gaudy jewelry at all. (Etiquetteer still remembers those earrings . . . and tastes do change, thank goodness.)

On a completely different note, Etiquetteer has to lash out at Andrew Speaker, the Atlanta lawyer who flew to Europe knowing he had tuberculosis and was exposing this disease to others around him. Ayn Rand may have written about "The Virtue of Selfishness," but Etiquetteer can find no virtue here! Hasn’t he ever seen "La Boheme?" Modern medicine aside, people still die of tuberculosis. Etiquetteer is appalled that he and his wife would travel across the world with that knowledge. This gives not only lawyers, but destination weddings, a bad name.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was raised to write thank-you notes. I do enjoy getting thank-you notes in return when I give time and effort to picking out a gift or for donating time to a special cause. Recently, I took special effort in picking out the perfect baby gift for a co-worker and was promptly surprised by a thank-you email with an attached thank-you Powerpoint presentation. I will say that I believe this was a first for me. Has the computer age taken over so much that people should not put pen to paper in appreciation?

Dear Thanked:

Certainly not! While appreciating your co-worker’s eagerness to thank you right away for your generosity, it certainly doesn’t excuse her from actually writing a Lovely Note on Actual Stationery to you.

 

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The Brawl at Symphony Hall, Vol. 6, Issue 19

No doubt many readers are eager for Etiquetteer to comment on the "brawl at Symphony Hall" that occurred on Wednesday, May 9, 2007. Needless to say Etiquetteer is Absolulely Appalled at what happened and would ban the two men in question from Symphony Hall for life.

In summary, Michael Hallam and his female companion were talking throughout the first two numbers of the Boston Pops. Matthew Ellinger and his female companion, sitting behind them, were understandably annoyed, and Mr. Ellinger shushed them more than once. With Hallam still talking, Ellinger reported him to an usher. He then "tapped" or "struck" Hallam (depending on who tells the story) with his program. Hallam then threw the first punch. As they say on fark.com, "Hilarity ensued."

This Hallam Person bears the principal responsibility for dragging Boston through the mud like this. When someone in a theatre asks you to be quiet, that is exactly what you should do! You don’t have to be embarrassed that you’ve inconvenienced someone else, but Etiquetteer thinks it helps if you are. Hallam then branded himself Unfit for Polite Society by threatening to throw Ellinger over the balcony and then, of course, punching him in the face.

Mr. Ellinger’s error, unfortunately, was making physical contact with Hallam. Up until then he had done everything appropriate by shushing Hallam and then notifying an usher. But one never ever touches someone one is confronting. Physical contact is easily misinterpreted; just look at how one side of this argument uses the word "tapped" and the other "struck."

Etiquetteer has long felt that the White Middle Class is Giving Up when it comes to Perfect Propriety, and this sad incident seems like another Nail in the Coffin. What struck Etiquetteer first, however, in looking at the photos, was how badly everyone was dressed. Not one man sitting in or near the brawlers was wearing a jacket and tie. And Etiquetteer doesn’t care at all that they were sitting in the second balcony. This is a concert hall, not a bear garden, and Proper Dress should be worn. A crisply-pressed shirt is not enough. And of course now the Unspoken Rules must be spoken: no denim, no athletic or athletic-looking clothes or shoes, and No Visible Underwear. And it’s not just the Young and Untutored showing up like this. Etiquetteer has seen on many occasions Those Old Enough to Know Better appear at Symphony Hall improperly dressed. Ladies in sneakers with scoop-neck cotton tops, old gentlemen wearing plaid flannel shirts with jeans, anybody in a down jacket with a hood – this is Letting Down the Side.

Did conductor Keith Lockhart behave with Perfect Propriety by halting the concert until the brawlers were removed? There are two schools of thought here, each with its merits, but Etiquetteer is inclined to say that he did. The Stiff Upper Lip folks would say "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!" Continuing with the concert would, perhaps, have called less attention to the Bad Manners in the Balcony. Under the circumstances – loud screaming having called all attention to the balcony – to keep playing would have seemed to Etiquetteer like Nero fiddling while Rome burned. Mr. Lockhart showed respect to his musicians, the audience, and to the music itself, by halting the performance.

As Etiquetteer said, the brawlers should be banned from Symphony Hall for life. Both of them should be sentenced to community service as theatre ushers. Now if only there was a way to ban that Little Old Lady Who Rattles Bangle Bracelets and Cough Drops . . .

 

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Current Events, Vol. 6, Issue 17

Celebrities only seem to get into the news when they are behaving badly. Two recent mini-dramas have captured Etiquetteer’s attention.

You will be surprised – very surprised, Etiquetteer suspects – to find Etiquetteer defending Karl Rove about anything. But after the White House Correspondents Dinner last week, Etiquetteer must Wag an Admonitory Digit at Sheryl Crow and her dinner companion Laurie David for initiating a nasty little contretemps about global warming. Crow and David, whose self-serving account of the incident appears on Arianna Huffington’s blog, certainly make themselves out to be the Calm Crusaders. From ingenuous comments like "How excited were we to have our first opportunity ever to talk directly to the Bush Administration about global warming" to glossy acccounts of their own part in the barney ("We felt compelled to remind him that the research is done and the results are in"), they present themselves as Earnest Little Girls nicely asking the Big Man about a Bad Decision. Etiquetteer finds abhorrent their idea that Sheryl Crow’s beauty alone should compel Rove to speak with them ("How hardened and removed from reality must a person be to refuse to be touched by Sheryl Crow?"). Feminists everywhere should be offended with this 19th century notion.

If they really wanted to have a meaningful dialogue about climate change with Rove, they would have used this opportunity to schedule an appointment. Indeed, courtiers of Louis XIV were always advised not to surrender petitions to him during particular audiences because the Sun King was likely to lose them while changing clothes. Instead, it just looks like they wanted to get in the paper themselves.

Not that Rove comes out smelling like a rose. Eyewitnesses indicate that he gave as good as he got, whereas a change of topic or a cold "This is not the time or place to discuss it" would have been Perfectly Proper. The truth, as is so frequently the case, is someplace in the middle.

Moving right along, we find that actress Kim Basinger has released to the press an abusive voicemail message from her ex-husband, Alec Baldwin, to their daughter Ireland. While hardly excusing Baldwin’s vicious telephone tantrum – did he miss that day in anger management class? – Etiquetteer is outraged that La Basinger and her attorneys leaked the voicemail to the press. Can you think of anything that would be more embarrassing to eleven-year-old Ireland? All this dirty laundry could have been kept right where it belonged – in the family – without the vengefulness of a celebrity divorcée selfishly shaming the father of her child, and her child as well.

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Reader Response, Vol. 6, Issue 16

Dear Etiquetteer:

I enjoyed this most recent column, and really applaud your telling the praying family to keep a lid on it. Suggesting doing it in the car was a particularly welcome idea. When I see people praying in a restaurant (infrequently, thank Zeus) it makes me acutely uncomfortable.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I suspect you'll receive many a letter about this. Let me be one more to speak out about your advice on grace before meals at a restaurant. It is quite possible to say grace and not draw undue attention to one's self when dining out. Our family will sometimes hold hands silently for a moment or two in an abbreviated prayer, so sometimes instead of our unison prayer just one person will speak in gratitude for the blessing of food and the hands that prepared it. A simple grace is less conspicuous than a toast over the meal and is as good for one's soul.

As I was growing up our family continued our practice of prayer no matter what the circumstances. Over vacations we'd attend services as visitors at other parishes, even at churches when the service was in other languages when we traveled abroad. It taught us that special circumstances don't change the call to need to thanks.

Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer must respectfully disagree with your assertion that a simple grace is less conspicuous than a toast, because grace is less usual in a restaurant than a toast is.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am about to have a 50th birthday bash. It is relatively informal and I do not want gifts, but I will be taking donations for [Insert Name of Worthy Charity Here] if people feel compelled to do something. How can I word such an invitation so that there should be no pressure to give a donation?

Dear Birthday Girl:

First, Etiquetteer would like to wish you Many Happy Returns of the Day, and congratulate you on holding your own birthday party. Let Etiquetteer assure you, handling the arrangements yourself is the only sure way that everyone you want to see actually gets invited.

The best way to be sure that your guests feel no pressure to make a donation to [Insert Name of Worthy Charity Here] is not to mention it at all. Etiquetteer doesn’t want to dampen your enthusiasm for supporting this charity, but this particular custom has become so widespread that people are starting to look on party invitations as invoices.

Should anyone ask you what you’d like for your birthday, then you may say that would you’d enjoy most is a donation too [Insert Name of Worthy Charity Here]. Etiquetteer will, reluctantly, allow you to put "No gifts, please" on the invitation.

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

More Random Issues, Vol. 6, Issue 15

Dear Etiquetteer:

I need your guidance. A cousin of mine, with triplets, works two jobs (one of which is as a waiter at a local restaurant) while his wife stays at home with the kids. Money is tight for them. I just received from them a gift certificate large enough to cover a lovely dinner for two at my cousin's restaurant with a little note that he is always there waiting on table on Saturday nights. I have no trouble with the hint that I should dine on a Saturday night. My quandary is, if he is my waiter that evening, does one tip the waiter/donor when the account is tallied?

Dear Diner:

How does one tip one’s host? Such an interesting query. If your cousin was entertaining you in his own home, tipping would be out of the question. Were your cousin the owner of the restaurant, and waiting on your table, tipping would again be unthinkable. But in this case – in which one’s benefactor is also an employee – Etiquetteer thinks one would tip as one ordinarily does when the service has been exceptionally good. Etiquetteer knows how very much waiters depend on tips to supplement their meager salaries, and Etiquetteer finds it too great an extension of your "host’s" hospitality to omit a gratuity.

And if you really found everything to your liking, you could send a little basket of edible treats to your cousin’s home the next day, to return the hospitality of their gift certificate . . . and make a reservation at the restaurant for another Saturday night.

Dear Etiquetteer:My mother, who works at a local college, has an antisocial boss who turns around when he sees her coming in his direction, so he doesn't have to say hello. Last week, she and her colleagues received this missive. I'd love to have your expert take on this latest social anomaly. By the way, he is loathe to meet face-to-face. As to handwritten notes, do octopi fly?P.S. Grammatical errors and typos in letter (sic).

In an effort to reduce the amount of e-mail I generate, effective today, I'mgoing to experiment eliminating most, if not all, "thank you" messages.In lieu of these, I'll try:* assuming you understand that I always appreciate your good work* picking up the phone and thanking you* thanking you in person as we meet face-to-face in a meeting or on campus* sending you a handwritten thank-you note Basically, I wanted to to know that I appreciate all you're doing for [Insert Name of Local College Here] despite you're not necessarily receiving a "well done" e-mail message from me to clog your inbox.

Dear Skeptical:

At first glance, Etiquetteer has to wonder why this man was put into a supervisory position. So often in academia, and even in large corporations, the only way talented people can advance is by becoming supervisors. But talented people are not always effective supervisors, which leads to communications problems like this.

Surprisingly, Etiquetteer likes the idea of reducing the amount of e-mail going around, but it is never good form to assume that one’s employees "know" one thinks highly of their work. Etiquetteer wishes your mother’s employer had just started writing Lovely Notes to thank employees without this clumsy e-mail announcement. As it is, those Lovely Notes had better be extra lovely and he’d better not be seen dodging his staff, as your mother has witnessed, to keep from talking to them.

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Random Issues, Vol. 6, Issue 14

This column also appeared in the March 21 issue of The Times of Southwest Louisiana.

Dear Etiquetteer:We recently went on a vacation with friends and I offered to charge the house rental to my credit card. This was done under the mutual understanding that the other couple would reimburse me for their half of the bill. They have yet to cut me a check and I'm sure it's just an oversight on their part. Still, I feel very awkward mentioning it to them. I don't want to seem miserly but it's about $400. Is there a graceful way to broach the subject or should I just wait for them to remember?

Dear Billing:

First of all, you're taking the right approach to assume there's no malice on their part. It probably really is just an oversight that they'll be happy to correct. On the other hand, if you wait for them to "remember" it might not take place until it's time to plan your next vacation. Your awkwardness is not uncommon, especially with the amount in question; Etiquetteer encourages you to use that to your advantage. With an air of Infinite Reluctance, call your friend and mention that, in reviewing your trip expenses, you don't record their reimbursement and ask if you could get it right away.

Dear Etiquetteer:

What is a tactful way to communicate the dress code to a wedding? Although our wedding will take place in a garden, it's formal and we would like all the men to wear a suit. At the bottom of our invitations can we say "formal attire?"

Dear Bride to Be:

What time of day is the wedding to take place? If it's in the evening, say "black tie" and everyone will know you mean evening clothes. If daytime, once you could have gotten away with "informal," but no one understands that it means "coat and tie" any more. Etiquetteer would suggest "Formal;" in the USA, for a daytime wedding, that should be understood as meaning dark suits for the men.

Of course, since it's a garden wedding, Etiquetteer hopes you'll encourage all your lady friends to wear picture hats and crisp white kid gloves! Etiquetteer remembers as a Very Little Boy attending a family wedding at one of those large old Southern houses complete with white columns and veranda. It was an afternoon reception with a lot of cookies and punch, and Etiquetteer still vividly remembers the young teenage bridesmaids walking on the lawn carrying huge silver trays of rice bags to offer the guests.

Dear Etiquetteer:

What do you think about saying grace in a restaurant? We always begin family meals with a prayer. Our children are getting to an age when we can take them out to restaurants now and then, but we want to keep this tradition with us wherever we go, because it’s part of our family life.

Dear Praying:

Etiquetteer adores the Freedom to Worship, both the Bedrock of our Great Nation and the famous painting of the same name by Norman Rockwell. Now you’ll recall that the painting is of a sweet old lady and a young boy saying grace before their meal in a diner. (Actually, Etiquetteer just looked it up and it’s called "Saying Grace;" "Freedom to Worship" is one of Rockwell’s "Four Freedoms.") You’ll also remember that everyone else in the restaurant has stopped everything they’re doing to watch them. Now while Etiquetteer knows this isn’t the intent, this little family group has made themselves rather conspicuous, and it is never Perfectly Proper to attract attention to oneself. (Etiquetteer certainly wishes someone would tell Britney Spears this.)

In the Holy Bible, Matthew 6:5-6 comes to mind: "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray . . . at the street corners, that they may be seen by men . . . But when you pray, enter into your closet and shut the door . . . " So Etiquetteer doesn’t question your intention to continue a stable, meaningful ritual for your children, that they might be brought up to be Perfectly Proper. But Etiquetteer thinks that its effect – undue attention to your family in public – is not what you really want. You might instead say grace before you leave home, or even in the car before entering the restaurant.

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Mourning and Help Wanteds, Vol. 6, Issue 13

Dear Etiquetteer:Last week my mother called me to tell me the child of neighborhood acquaintances had died. It was a baby, and I guess it was sudden and unexpected. I haven’t seen these people in awhile, and I wasn’t sure if I should have gone to the funeral or not. I haven’t seen these folks in a very long time, and I wouldn’t want them to think I was intruding. We also, I know, have different opinions about gay marriage; would they think I was rubbing it in their faces?

Dear Sympathizing:


Conventional wisdom has always been "When in doubt, don’t." But whenever attending a funeral is in question, Etiquetteer says DO. The bereaved are more likely to be grateful for any effort taken to console them, rather than think of slights and disagreements. And if they WERE to think of slights and disagreements, then they wouldn’t be very worthy of consolation, would they? But that would be their fault for thinking it, and not yours for going to the funeral. Etiquetteer hopes you will at least send a letter of condolence (not an e-mail) to let them know you’re thinking of them.

Dear Etiquetteer:

An elderly cousin in North Carolina died last month. She was an eighty-year-old first cousin who had not married, but had a large town full of friends. While she had cousins on the other side of her family, my wife and I were the closest next of kin. We were the ones to make funeral arrangements. While she had already prearranged her funeral, there are those final details to take care of: getting proper clothes for her to be buried in, arranging a time for the funeral service that would fit the church, minister and family that had to make travel arrangements. Finding the cousins on the other side of the family was a problem. We had to be escorted into her apartment by the security man at her group residence to look for her address book. Looking up the phone number of the cousins on the other side along with other friends and finding out who is the custodian for her mentally retarded god child in New Orleans. After recording all the addresses and phone numbers of people we recognized as being our cousin’s close friends, the address book was turned back to the security man. Our cousin had been very generous in helping just about every good cause in town and out. I was informed by the administrator of the county school system that she had given over 90 scholarships. This did not include the city school system.Writing the obituary was really a joy as we included facts about her life. The funeral home had their web site or e-mail address included at the end of the obituary. Yesterday, I received from the funeral home several copies of e-mails from some of those who had received college education due to her scholarships. These are people that could not make the funeral due to time or may not have known until days later. And, if they had come to the funeral, I would not have the email to read again in my mourning time or to share with those other cousins. Dear Next of Kin:Permit Etiquetteer to offer you sincere sympathy on your bereavement, and also congratulate you on handling all the arrangements with such organization. But Etiquetteer must take issue with you over one tiny item. Whether mourners attend the funeral or not, they still must write a Perfectly Proper letter of condolence to the family. So if everyone was pulling their weight, you’d have these stories to read later anyway, whether you’d met the people at the funeral or not.

Dear Etiquetteer:I put an ad for a Medical Assistant on [Insert Name of No-Cost On-line Community Here] last week, outlining job responsibilities with instructions to call and speak with the office manager, leaving her name and office number. Almost immediately, I started to receive e-mails with résumé attachments!I deleted the first ten or so, thinking that, if they cannot read and follow instructions, then they could never work for me.But dozens of responses kept coming in via e-mail. And we did eventually start to review them - thinking maybe we are not keeping up with the times. Who doesn't want to be au courant? But, we did get a near equal number responding in the manner suggested.While reviewing the applications I also noted one e-mail address in particular, because it included the word "sexy." My first impulse was to e-mail them and tell them if they were to ever be taken seriously for a position as a Medical Assistant (and not a call girl) they should change the e-mail address! But, I didn't.So my questions for you are:1. Is this what society has come to? If so, do I have to accept this?2. Should I have expected this 50/50 split in responses - i.e. those who can follow instructions versus those who cannot - considering the medium I chose to advertise the position?3. Why do I seem to notice (and then have to relay) all the oddities I observe daily - like sexy's e-mail address? Or is that a question for the shrink? You don't have to answer that last one!

Dear Ad Doctor:

Etiquetteer very much fears that this is what society has come to, but you do not have to accept it. You will aid and abet Perfect Propriety by not advertising on [Insert Name of No-Cost On-line Community Here]. Etiquetteer promises you’ll get better responses by going directly to medical communities on-line. The first rule of any advertising is "target your market!"

As to the even split between responsible applicants and ignorant doofuses unable to read what’s put before them, Etiquetteer isn’t really surprised. While it’s common now to expect to respond to something seen on-line via e-mail, that’s no excuse for missing the instructions not to do so altogether. Really, Etiquetteer doesn’t see why you shouldn’t reply to them via e-mail that their applications will not be considered because they were sent improperly.

As for your last question, Etiquetteer’s Polite Explanation is that you notice these sexual references because they are Absolutely Improper in the workplace.

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Reader Response to Past Imperfect, Vol. 6, Issue 12

Etiquetteer was quite surprised at the outpouring of reader comments after last week’s "Past Imperfect" column. A few choice responses, sometimes edited for length and to preserve anonymity, are offered today:

From a doctor: Some etiquette should be history for good reason. Thanks foran enjoyable and well-expressed column.

From a graphic designer: My husband and I thought about this, but as a wedding day flies by, and many people do not know how to keep things going, we opted out, with the exception of the informal hugs, kisses and handshakes as people exited the [Insert Name of Wedding Hall Here]. There the group of people behind exiting guests naturally impressed that a brief greeting was best.

At the calling hours following my mother’s death we did have a receiving line, which worked fairly well despite the number of people in it (6), and the many guests waiting in line. Receiving lines are formal, ritualistic things. Not without value, but no place for a heart to heart, or for two people who’ve not seen each other for years to embark upon a reunion.

My mother’s family, especially her sisters, took the clothing subject very seriously. Black dresses, stockings, gloves, hat, sweaters and coats for at least a year, whether at home or in town. I think I favor that over what one friend saw at his father’s calling hours a couple years ago. He said that nearly a dozen people all twentysomethings, showed up in nylon athletic running pants and sweatshirts. He was appalled. I agree that mourning a loss, a death, has a place.

Etiquetteer responds: Many years ago Etiquetteer attended a visitation at a funeral home. Three friends appeared wearing beach clothes: shorts and casual shirts. They’d learned of the death while returning from vacation and chose to show up in the wrong clothes rather than not pay their respects at all. Etiquetteer thinks they made the right decision. On the other hand, we could all take a lesson from the Queen of England, who always travels with something black in case she has to return home quickly due to a sudden death. (She also has someone do all the packing and dry cleaning for her . . .)

From Someone Who Would Know: One ugly feature you didn't mention, but one that can tear the heart out of family and close friends, is the "open mike." It seems to be a popular feature with some of our megachurches; however, if I hear it's to be included in a service, I don't go.

Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer must gently disagree with you. While the term "open mike" is better suited to a comedy club than a funeral, the custom of "bearing witness" to the life of the deceased can be a beautiful opportunity for mourners to share the good ways that their lives were affected by that person. That said, not everyone understands that There Are Limits on these occasions. Etiquetteer was once Absolutely Appalled at one memorial service to hear how a dead acquaintance had helped someone evade the law and posed for nude photographs. Really, that’s not the sort of story for Public Consumption!

From a Regular Reader: Enjoyed your article about mourning practices but you failed to mention people 'producing' the after-burial festivities before they die. I gather there are now 'funeral planners' who are similar to wedding planners except that the host pays but does not appear at the party. Videos of the departed run on a continuous loop, food, flowers, valet parking etc are over the top for those underneath the bottom. I guess we are not all equal in death. I had personal experience with about a year ago when someone in my condo building died after a long illness. She was Jewish and arranged for two evenings of a catered reception with floral arrangements (even though in traditional Judaism no flowers are present). It was held in the social room of the building and from a distance looked like a wedding reception. Moreover in discussions with friends I learned that this is now becoming common with people making videos that play continually. It is such a departure from the traditional way of mourning that are very carefully detailed down to the fact that the door of the house is left open so the mourner does not have open the door or that the mourner sits on a low stool to mark his/her status as one 'brought low' and that the food is to be brought into the house for the grieving family, not served to the guests who should be bringing the food. It has become such a party that I think it is bad taste to grieve now; might spoil the fun people are having.

From an engineer: My boss's mother died, and in the Jewish tradition, she wore a small mourning button (Keriah), which if you know what it is, is a nice signal to lay low. The button carries an attached black cloth tail, which is cut as a substitute for tearing of actual clothes. It’s worn for 30 days.

Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer saw two Jewish ladies (on two different occasions) wearing such a button, but didn't know its significance. But let Etiquetteer tell you, wearing that button with a loud red floral print blouse doesn't really look like mourning to Etiquetteer.

From a journalist: When my mother died we had a memorial service instead of the traditional funeral -- we couldn't have a Jewish ceremony because a) she had died out of state and a Jewish ceremony has to be done within 24-hours, and b) she was cremated. We did have a very nice Rabbi who gave us the traditional mourning ribbon. This is a small black ribbon that is cut to symbolize how family members used to tear their clothing in grief. The tradition is to cover the mirrors for a week, you light a candle that lasts a week, and you wear the ribbon for a month. Then I guess, although I never had any counseling on this, you should begin a period of healing. Better than three years of mourning.

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Past Imperfect, Vol. 6, Issue 11


PAST IMPERFECT

Vol. 6, Issue 11, March 18, 2007

 

Many people assume that etiquette writers, not just Etiquetteer, believe that everything was better in the past than it is today. Etiquetteer is here to tell you "Not so!" Many old customs have fallen out of fashion because they became overdone and not particularly conducive to good human relations. Etiquetteer would now like to look at some of the "vices and virtues" of the past, both things that we can do without and those we would do well to bring back.

MOURNING AND MOURNING CLOTHES

Grief and sadness are common emotions when a loved one dies. Society has developed traditions and rituals to comfort the bereaved: letters of sympathy, offerings of food or flowers brought to the home, funerals and memorial services, and even mourning clothes. The latter, including armbands, memorial buttons or badges, black-bordered handkerchiefs, and of course the famous mourning veil, served two purposes: to show respect to the dead and also to warn others not to bring up sensitive subjects.

But the idea of having to wear all black for at least three years after the death of a spouse or be thought not to have loved him or her . . . well, it’s just silly. Enough people in the mental health profession have already shown how excessive mourning prevents people from resuming their daily lives. The sort-of cult of mourning in the 19th Century, complete with memorial illustrations, restrictions on where one might go and to whom one might speak there, could lead one to Distraction, and probably did.

Now Society has moved to the opposite end of the spectrum by denying grief altogether. We "celebrate the life" of the deceased instead of mourning the death, wear colors to actual funerals if we attend at all, and use the convenience of e-mail when the special effort of writing a letter is so much more appreciated by the bereaved. And black, now so fashionable, is no longer a signal of mourning. Etiquetteer has witnessed on more than one occasion one person joke with another "Wow, black! Who died?" only to hearexactly who the deceased was.

One of the innovations of which Etiquetteer heartily approves is the mourning button with the picture of the deceased on it. Frequently made in the 19th Century for public figures (Presidents Lincoln and Garfield come to mind), they are now more widely seen and more easily made than they were 150 years ago.

Etiquetteer would like to see a middle ground between these extremes: a service where one could acknowledge one’s sadness by mourning the death as well as "celebrating the life," wear mourning colors at least through the funeral (but not for an extended period unless the bereaved chooses to do so), and yet not be thought insensitive when one feels the need no longer to demonstrate mourning.

CALLING AND CALLING CARDS

"The old arbitrary Washington custom of calling has lapsed entirely, and I lay a wreath on its grave without regret . . . " said Ellen Maury Slayden as far back as 1918. The rules and regulations governing calling and leaving calling cards in the homes of friends and associates must have collapsed under their own complexity and inconvenience. Rules about who called on whom first, the time in which those calls had to be returned, members of the household for whom one (and/or one’s spouse) left cards and how many, even different messages to send by folding certain corners of the card, had to be rigidly obeyed or interpreted as slights or insults. Mrs. Slayden recorded in her journal getting a cold shoulder from someone new in town whose call she couldn’t return because she lived too far away. Not a satisfactory system at all, and rife with misunderstandings. At least it kept the engravers in business.

Now we have the Internet, which solves some of these problems, but creates new ones.

RECEIVING LINES

Etiquetteer loves a receiving line, let’s not be mistaken about that. But too much of a good thing can implode, and it’s no wonder to see this useful custom kicked to the curb. The first problem with a receiving line is having too many people in it. Etiquetteer’s beloved Ellen Maury Slayden recorded attending an afternoon reception in Washington where "there were twenty women in the receiving party ‘bunched,’ as we say in Texas, on one side of the room . . . " And many of us remember weddings with a receiving line of twelve or more people: bride, groom, four parents, and eight or so bridesmaids. This is overkill, to say the least!

The second, and perhaps more noticeable problem, is that they take a long time. And the only reason for this is the garrulousness of the people in it. A receiving line is no place for a conversation! You are not rude if you say only "How do you do," "Congratulations!" or "It’s so nice to see you again" and then pass to the next person. Really, it’s rude if you say more and hold up everyone behind you. The time for conversation is during the party. Thoughtful brides and grooms (or other guests of honor) circulate among the guests during the reception in order to talk more.

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