Who Killed Society? II, Part Two: Reader Suggestions, Vol. 22, Issue 68

Etiquetteer’s suggested update of Cleveland Amory’s Who Killed Society? last week generated quite a few interesting suggestions from readers via the mailing list, Facebook, and Instagram. Some of these were clearly invented to break down our individual Perfect Propriety. It is so very difficult to remain composed while repeatedly yelling “Representative!” into the automated “customer service” phone line!

And here they are now, with Etiquetteer’s thanks to everyone who contributed:

1. Murder in the First Degree

   1. With Deliberation, Premeditation and Malice Aforethought:

      1. Online help desks and automated customer service numbers.

      2. The hippie generation (“. . . although perhaps with the indulgence of their baby boomer parents. But primarily the selfishness and self-absorption of the hippies which continues to metastisize.”)

      3. “The youth not being respectful and well-mannered.” (NB: This from a reader clearly under the age of 30.)

      4. Book bans.

   2. Without Deliberation, Premeditation or Malice Aforethought, but Committed while Engaged in Another Felony:

      1. The Kardashians (all of them).

      2. The McMansion.

      3. Casual use of profanity (e.g. “use of the good old Germanic word ‘f***’ as an intensifier adverb in any and all situations.”)

2. Murder in the Second Degree, With Design to Effect Death but without Deliberation, Premeditation or Malice Aforethought:

   1. Use of smartphones on the street.

   2. Online shopping.

3. Manslaughter in the First Degree, While Engaged in the Commission of a Misdemeanor:

   1. Crocs.

   2. Jeans, hoodies, and baseball caps.

4. Manslaughter in the Second Degree

   1. By a Person Committing a Civil Trespass:

      1. Nostalgia for social ephemera.

   2. In the Heat of Passion by the Use of a Dangerous Weapon or by Cruel and Unusual Means:

      1. Rush Week for fraternities and sororities.

   3. By any Culpable Negligence, such as Negligent Use of Machinery, Care of Animals, etc.

      1. Supermarket self-checkout technology.

Who Killed Society? II, Vol. 22, Issue 67

In 1960 Cleveland Amory published the third in his trilogy of books about American society, Who Killed Society? While proving that Society is in a continual state of decline (things are never as good/nice/Perfectly Proper as they used to be), he constructs scathing, incisive, and witty indictments against an army of defendants — everyone from the Servant Problem, FDR and the Duke and Duchess of Windsor through Café Society, the Cold War, Henry Luce, Harry Truman, the Telephone, the Sputnik, the Kennedy Family, Chorus Girls, Brenda Frazier, and Elsa Maxwell, all the way to Bermuda shorts and the Newport Jazz Festival, among many others. In every case he has a point. In fact the only people he seems to spare are John Roosevelt and Magda Gabor! (You may read Amory’s original indictment on pages 17-18 at the Internet Archive.)

But that was in 1960. Plenty of people and things have had a role in the continued killing of Perfect Propriety since then. If an indictment were to be laid out against subsequent killers, who would make the list? Following Mr. Amory’s format, Etiquetteer makes a few suggestions, with occasional commentary.

1. Murder in the First Degree

1. With Deliberation, Premeditation and Malice Aforethought:

1. Donald Trump. Nuffus dixit.

2. The Social Media Network Formerly Known as Twitter.

3. The Wedding Industrial Complex.

2. Without Deliberation, Premeditation or Malice Aforethought, but Committed while Engaged in Another Felony:

1. Woodstock.

2. Watergate.

3. Animal House. The influence of this film is the most underrated of any 20th century film.

4. Celebrity Sex Tapes (Rob Lowe, Paris Hilton, Aaron Schock, etc.)

5. Bill Clinton. He lost me at “It depends on what ‘is’ is.”

6. Roger Ailes.

7. Social media influencers.

8. Social media tycoons.

9. Reality television, starting with The Real World in 1993 and continuing through all the seasons of Real Housewives (but not The Great British Baking Show).

10. Destination weddings.

2. Murder in the Second Degree, With Design to Effect Death but without Deliberation, Premeditation or Malice Aforethought:

1. Bridezillas, especially those who reject heirloom silver.

2. The coronavirus pandemic.

3. Social media networks, all of them.

4. Skyrocketing Executive Pay.

5. Casual Friday.

6. Grunge.

7. SPY Magazine, the New York Monthly.

8. Airline checked baggage fees, and all such other extraneous fees.

3. Manslaughter in the First Degree, While Engaged in the Commission of a Misdemeanor:

1. Satire news websites.

2. Fast fashion.

3. Athleisure, active wear, jeggings, etc.

4. Bachelorette parties.

5. Gender reveal parties.

6. Cosplay (but not at actual comicons). This only leads to gentlemen thinking they can wear secular headgear with black tie indoors as Perfectly Proper.

7. Valley of the Dolls, the novel.

4. Manslaughter in the Second Degree

1. By a Person Committing a Civil Trespass:

1. Truman Capote's Black and White Ball.

2. Answered Prayers, by Truman Capote.

3. Truman Capote in Murder by Death.

2. In the Heat of Passion by the Use of a Dangerous Weapon or by Cruel and Unusual Means:

1. Extremist protests at funerals.

2. Love locks locked to bridge railings and other such places.

3. By any Culpable Negligence, such as Negligent Use of Machinery, Care of Animals, etc.

1. Extreme culinary trends, such as beetle-shaped jellies, foam entrées, and “one-bite” entrées.

This list surely is not complete! Etiquetteer will be interested to hear your own suggestions for a follow-up column.

Observations, Vol. 22, Issue 46

Elegance is unobtrusive. Earbuds are elegant. Boom boxes are not. The problem is that not everyone desires elegance, or considers it desirable.

When dinner is served family style* and dishes are passed around the table, they should all pass in the same direction. Serve yourself, and pass the dish to the right. You may offer the rolls to the person on your left before passing them to the right; don’t let your left-hand neighbor start them going to the left. (Etiquetteer gathers that in Great Britain, all dishes are passed to the left, but in the United States they are passed to the right.)

Don’t ask for someone’s email address (or other contact information) more than once, especially if you’re in retail. If they want you to have their contact information (which everyone suspects you want only to put on your mailing list), they’ll provide it. Persistence appears unattractive.

Candles belong on a dining table only when they are being used, or possibly when your home is being photographed for a shelter magazine. Otherwise, remove them to the sideboard. It is immaterial to Etiquetteer whether or not the wicks have been burned.

When dinner is announced, it is not really Perfectly Proper to bring your cocktail to the table. There will be other beverages served with the meal. Finish it, or don’t, and leave it on a table. (Etiquetteer has had to direct a Pointed Glance at That Mr. Dimmick on more than one occasion about this.)

When joining a meeting late, Etiquetteer does understand one’s desire to get caught up on what was missed. But it is unfair to more punctual attendees to insist on an exhaustive review, or anything beyond “We were just discussing [Insert Agenda Item Here].” It’s also unproductive to provide a dramatic or out-of-breath explanation for your tardiness. Just say “I’m sorry to be late” and listen attentively.

*In the 19th century this would be referred to as service á la Française. Everything sounds snappier in French, n’est ce pas?

Room Serving Tipping, Vol. 22, Issue 65

Dear Etiquetteer:

This isn't really etiquette, but I’m curious. When you stay at a hotel, do you give a cash tip to the person who brings the meal to your room? The hotel I’m staying at charges a 20% gratuity and $5 delivery fee. But I still think I should give $10 or something to the bellhop who brings it. 

I think hotel service workers are waaaaaay underpaid, and I was predisposed to giving a cash tip for the person who brings the meal. When the staffer came with the tray, she had one of those handheld machines for charging the bill, and it included an option to add a tip of $7, $8, and $10. (That’s about 15%, 17%, and 20%.) I had some cash in my pocket ready to go, but I asked her if that tip goes directly to her and she said it did, so I added a tip on right there.

Is it the right thing to do or is it just that I feel like a real cheapskate if I don’t give the staff something. What's your take on this?

Dear Tipping:

Opinions vary, but in a hotel, if they are already billing you a gratuity and a delivery fee in which you have no say, Etiquetteer would say that absolutely counts for the tip, and that it’s not necessary to provide a cash gratuity in addition. Not everyone feels that way — they value expressing personal appreciation with a cash tip to the staff actually performing the service — and Etiquetteer will not stand in the way of that.

Etiquetteer considered your use of restaurant tipping percentages for a room service delivery extremely generous, but apparently that is now the norm according to Travel and Leisure. And incidentally, it’s very wise to ask if a hotel employee personally receives a gratuity that’s added via credit card. Employers have a long history of skimming tips, including Sherman Billingsley at the famous Stork Club. Tips for the coat check girls went into a slot that led to a locked box; the contents went straight to the boss, not the girls*.

Etiquetteer wishes you enjoyable travel with reliable and courteous service.

*Etiquetteer promises this is somewhere in Ralph Blumenthal’s The Stork Club, but just cannot find the reference.

Placemats vs. Tablecloths, Vol. 22, Issue 64

“I would not care to dine formally every night — nor buffet-style every night, either. Dinner always served on the same china, with the same candlesticks or candelabra on the table, the same style of table covering, shows lack of imagination.” — Amy Vanderbilt

Dear Etiquetteer:

What is going on with meals in The Crown and Downton Abbey? They show HMQ and the Granthams eating with their plates on placemats. Sometimes it even looks like plates directly on the table. Nary even a runner. I thought the upper crust always used tablecloths.

Dear Tabled:

A white damask tablecloth defines a formal dinner; Etiquetteer has written more about that here. But for informal meals such as all breakfasts and most lunches* placemats are Perfectly Proper Indeed for people of all classes, even the highest ones. While they come in all materials, from woven straw to all sorts of cloth, the most severely upper class placemats are likely to be those cork-backed ones decorated with 19th-century hunting scenes.

“Small place-mats of linen or lace with runner to match are most practical,” wrote Emily Post in 1950. “A dozen mats with one runner can be used permanently as your one and only tablecloth.” Amy Vanderbilt even suggested “tiny straw disks to fit under a dinner plate and not be seen, so that the effect is that of a gleaming bare table.”

Etiquetteer wants to call your attention to that word “gleaming.” If you’re going to use placemats, be sure that your dining table is polished within an inch of its life to gleaming perfection. In days gone by that meant careful inspection after every meal, or at least every day, by the servants. “Dining-tables can only be kept in order by hard rubbing, or rather by quick rubbing, which warms the wood and removes all spots,” said Mrs. Beeton in her famous Household Book, and she wasn’t kidding either. One doesn’t want one’s mahogany or walnut marred by marks from hot dishes! If you’re using placemats, examine your table carefully first and polish as needed.

Now we have felts or table pads to protect against heat marks, including small ones that fit under placemats. But for these to be visible is Not Perfectly Proper. Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) used to have a beautiful set of thick pleated placemats, solid red and solid green, which she would alternate down the dining room table for Christmas. They were octagonal — the corners of the rectangles were truncated — so the corners of her vinyl table pads stuck out and spoiled the view. She simply would not trim them under any circumstances. Don’t you make that mistake.

Etiquetteer wishes you beautiful meals of all levels of formality, and the sort of company that makes you enjoy each one.

*Etiquetteer misses the noun “luncheon,” but it is now considered pretentious except for something exceedingly formal like a wedding (which would be more correctly called a “wedding breakfast” anyway) or a charity fund-raiser.

Black Tie, But Not a Tuxedo, Vol. 22, Issue 63

Dear Etiquetteer:

The fall season is starting up again, COVID be damned, and I have been invited to a small private event (not a fundraiser) I would really like to go to, except for one thing. The invitation says “black tie,” which of course means a tuxedo for the men. Aside from the fact that I’m at a stage in my life where I don’t even want to wear a tie, I don’t own a tux and cannot even imagine going to the bother of renting one. What do I do? I still have a suit. Can I just wear that, or do I have to miss out?

Dear Suited:

If this was a papal audience, a Court of St. James presentation, or a gala night at the opera, you would not have room to maneuver. But “a small private event” gives us leave to take our advice from the late Julia Child — “No excuses, no explanations” — followed up by Dear Mother, who always said “Do your best.” Wear your darkest suit (if you have only one, it will be that), your whitest shirt, your most resplendent necktie, and your brightest and most sincere smile, and you cannot go wrong. Only a churl would look down his nose at you, which would say more about the churl than you.

Fans of Tolstoy’s epic novel Anna Karenina may remember Dolly’s dilemma when she visited Anna and Vronsky in the country. “To change her dress [for dinner] was impossible, for she had already put on her best dress. But in order to signify in some way her preparation for dinner, she asked the maid to brush her dress, changed her cuffs and tie, and put some lace on her head. ‘This is all I can do,’ she said with a smile to Anna . . .” The redoubtable Ellen Maury Slayden recalled with admiration the forthrightness of a visiting politician’s wife. “Mrs. Harmon is . . . a good sport. She didn’t know our climate and came down in a heavy cloth suit and a close turban that didn’t shield her eyes, but she never turned a hair all day, and when her baggage failed to arrive, she wore the same thing to a reception in the evening without complaining or explaining.”

Black tie is black tie, and a dark suit is a dark suit. Etiquetteer is not a fan of mixing the latter with elements of the former. Pleated shirtfronts, shirt studs, waistcoats that clearly belong with black tie, and patent leather evening shoes really don’t go with a plain suit. While a formal occasion is one for dressing up, it isn’t time for cosplay or costuming unless it says “Creative black tie.” Save them for when you really do need to wear black tie.

Etiquetteer has more black tie guidance here, and black tie for clergy here. Etiquetteer wishes you a beautiful occasion.

Phone Calls in the 21st Century, Vol. 22, Issue 62

A few readers took care to direct Etiquetteer to this recent Washington Post article by Heather Kelly about etiquette for phone calls, which is most interesting and worth your attention. The development of communications technology has outstripped our ability to adapt its use courteously. Different generations have different ideas about privacy and appropriateness, but there is still Telephonic Perfect Propriety we can agree on.

Starting with the Very Basic Rule that we should not be using speakerphones in public, especially in enclosed spaces like public transportation. What on earth, people?! Ms. Kelly notes that if you’re going to do That Sort of Thing, you ought to use headphones (or earbuds), but “they only solve half of the problem, however, as people still have to hear your side of the conversation.” And having witnessed so many of these Public Speaker Calls, they’re usually about something entirely inane or inconsequential that could have waited until later. People! Put it on mute while you’re out and about and save it until you get home! You’ll be contributing to World Peace, Etiquetteer guarantees you.

Where things differ starts with when one actually takes a call. Before smartphones and texting, when the phone rang, we were all conditioned to answer it right away, even if it was inconvenient. That remains a powerful behavior for those brought up to it. One of the surprising points made is that just because someone is calling doesn’t mean you have to take the call, even when you know who it is. Ms. Kelly quotes the remarkable Lizzie Post, who says “If someone interrupts you and you’re ticked off about it, guess whose fault that is? You’re the one who answered the call when you shouldn’t.” Etiquetteer thinks this is maybe a bit unjust (“We were taught to answer the phone!”), but it underscores how valuable it is to embrace texting. Texting may be an adjunct to phone conversations, but before long the phone will be an adjunct to texting.

Opinions may differ about what the most impactful change is to telephoning in this century. To Etiquetteer it isn’t using a speakerphone in public, but having to check in advance by text for a good time to call. Once upon a time we just picked up the phone and called — there was no other way to do it — and that was that. Now These Kids Today (by which Etiquetter means anyone under the age of Etiquetteer) think that’s rude. This has given rise to the Inquiring Text, e.g. “You free?” “Time to chat?” “Call me,” or “Dahling!” On the whole this is a welcome development — really, it is not such a bad thing to consider how disposed your recipient is to getting a call — but it involves relearning earlier lessons of Perfect Propriety. And that takes time.

Won’t you send Etiquetteer your own concerns and queries about modern communications manners? In the meantime, Etiquetteer wishes you many Perfectly Proper interactions with your intimates.