Pandemic Politeness: One Year Later, Vol. 20, Issue 15

Etiquetteer was just reflecting morosely over the morning coffee that today and tomorrow mark what turned out to be Etiquetteer’s Last Hurrah before the pandemic quarantine Changed Everything. That joyful occasion was the Leap Day Pink Tea celebrating the 40th birthday of the History Project, in the front room at a favorite restaurant, Carrie Nation. Who would think that a late afternoon cocktail party for 70 or so people would become an extinct social form?

The pandemic has brought numerous challenges to Perfect Propriety on every front: grieving, childcare, dating, social distancing (especially interacting with those who have opposing views), the Zoom meeting vs. the Zoom party, adapting (or not) to technology, worship, grooming, dining out, tipping, what we wear (or don’t, whether it’s pants or a face mask) — and now vaccine status (on which Etiquetteer will have more to say in a future column). Not everyone is meeting this daunting set of challenges with Perfect Propriety, or even wants to.

Today Etiquetteer is feeling most the slow fading away of relationships outside the core circle. The people you saw only on vacation, or in the coffee line, or at a favorite restaurant. The people whose theatre subscriptions were on the same night as yours, or that you could count on seeing every year at that one charity event. Maybe it’s because the Leap Day Pink Tea was just a year ago that this is top of mind today; Etiquetteer has only seen two of the people from that party in person since then.

It feels different to maintain these impromptu or annual interactions in other ways — self-conscious in a way. But etiquette has to adapt, especially now, and that might mean messaging via social media, or a good old-fashioned Perfectly Proper Lovely Note. The post office used to declare April National Card and Letter Writing Month; even if they stopped, there’s no reason for us not to make a special effort to reach out with pen and ink then — or even now!

How is everyone coping? Etiquetteer continues to block and delete trolls rather than engage with them, refrains from reading the comments section of 98% of news stories, remains very cautious about social distancing, and has created daily and weekly anchors. The daily includes 15-30 minutes of reading in the morning and the 5 PM cocktail hour. For the weekly, Etiquetteer enjoys a Friday Facetime with a core group and a Sunday check-in with an out-of-state friend. Not least, the Dress Dinner Challenge is an opportunity to remember what a Perfectly Proper dinner can be, test a few new recipes, and keep the good stuff from feeling neglected in the pantry.

One year in, you may still have questions of Pandemic Perfect Propriety, with new or challenging situations you didn’t think possible a year ago. Please take the time to let Etiquetteer know what that might be, for a column very soon. Use that same link if so inclined to share how you’re coping with the pandemic yourself. We all have much to learn, and share.

Etiquetteer wishes you Health, Safety, Patience, and Perfect Propriety as this pandemic adventure continues.

New Neighbors, Vol. 20, Issue 14

Dear Etiquetteer:

My husband and I may have found the perfect condo unit for us, and we would like to make an offer to purchase it. Should we tell our friends who live down the hall from the new unit that we are going to make an offer? They are nice folks who we see socially a couple times per year, but aren’t what I would call close friends (though I’m pleased at the prospects of getting to know them better). We don’t want to appear to be moving into their turf or want to make them feel like we will be demanding more of their time. What’s the best way to handle this situation before we commit to buying the unit?

Dear Moving:

It’s very considerate of you to think about how this might impact others, and Etiquetteer commends you. Rather than present your move as a fait accompli (“Surprise, we’re you’re new neighbors! May I borrow a cup of sugar and your vacuum cleaner?”), you might approach them now with the news that you’re considering moving down the hall, and ask them about how much they’ve enjoyed living where they are. They could turn out to be a very helpful source of knowledge about building and neighborhood life, as well as insider information your realtor might not be in a position to know. (But let them offer it; don’t go digging at first.)

Should you move there, of course you’ll include them in any getting-to-know-you gathering you hold for other neighbors once you’ve settled in*, and respond with a Lovely Note to any welcome-to-the-building gesture they make; somehow one always thinks of casseroles and wine in association with new neighbors. Progressing from Acquaintance to Neighbor needn’t involve any change in your relationship beyond hallway and holiday card greetings. It’s entirely possible that you may discover more common interests and end up spending more time together, but it’s also Perfectly Proper if you don’t. “Maintaining one’s reserve” doesn’t have to be stuffy.

Etiquetteer wishes you success and contentment whoever your new neighbors turn out to be.

*Always remembering necessary COVID restrictions while they are needed.

Celebrating Washington's Birthday, Vol. 20, Issue 13

“All human gods have feet of clay.” — Etiquetteer

Today, February 22, is the Actual Birthday of George Washington, now observed nationally as Presidents Day* with that of Abraham Lincoln (February 12) and all American Presidents . . . or not, depending on one’s preference. A Dear Friend’s recent comment that the colonists took to celebrating Washington’s Birthday as an anti-monarchical gesture (instead of celebrating the King’s birthday) led Etiquetteer down the rabbit hole to discover just how Washington’s Birthday had been observed in the past.

Some quick recent history: Washington’s Birthday as its own unique identity officially began to fade in 1968 with the passing of the Monday Holiday Law, “to provide uniform annual observances of certain legal public holidays on Mondays.” Lincoln’s Birthday (February 12) was soon added to the iconography of the holiday**, and from there it was only a hop and a skip to sales events for appliances and automobiles. The Monday Holiday Law may have made holiday observance more uniform, but the result has been to deprive most of them of their uniqueness.

Historian Carl Anthony published a remarkable blog post in 2014 covering the most essential history; read it right now before continuing here. He teaches us about the evolution of The Birthday from 1791, when a splendid Birthnight Ball and other festivities took place, to 2014. He especially observes the acid discomfort of both Abigail and John Adams as Washington’s Birthday continued to be observed after Washington left office . . . but nothing was done to honor the birthday of the sitting President, Adams Himself.

Washington’s Birthday got a fresh burst of popularity for his centennial in 1832, which included a reading of his famous Farewell Address in the US Senate, a tradition which allegedly continues today, and at which Etiquetteer wants every Senator pays strict attention. Etiquetteer had never even heard of this observance; it’s probably one we should all emulate.

It’s interesting to note that even in this century many organizations will hold a ball in honor of Washington’s Birthday; Etiquetteer was surprised by the number of current results a Google search of “Washington’s Birthday Ball” yielded. It’s a fitting legacy, since Washington was famed for his dancing prowess***.

What might you do at home? Dame Curtsey’s Book of Novel Entertainments for Every Day of the Year gives us a turn-of-the-last-century flavor for Washington’s Birthday parties of the era. Her introduction to The Birthday gives us an idea of how far the holiday has fallen in cultural consciousness. “Perhaps the red-letter day of this month, so rich in anniversaries, is the one on which the Father of his Country first saw the light.” More than Valentine’s Day? Not now! She continues, “There is no family too poor in this world’s goods to recognize the day by at least hanging the American flag over the table. The patriotic spirit must be fostered in the home as well as in the school, and in keeping these days, the housemother is sowing seed that will bear fruit in years to come.” These days Pi Day (March 14, or 3.14) and Star Wars Day (May 4, or “May the Fourth Be With You”) get more coverage.

For Dame Curtsey’s parties, expect a lot of cherry-oriented refreshments, hatchet-shaped placecards, toy drums for centerpieces, and just about anything that can be made out of red, white, and blue paper. For entertainment, the Dame is big on guessing games and trivia contests, often with Washington-themed prizes like a picture of Mount Vernon or a copy of Irving’s Life of Washington.

Dame Curtsey shows us one family of four giving a party for 20 children. After a luncheon of cunning dishes****, “then for a half-hour the children listened to a very comprehensive story of the boyhood of Washington.” (Oh dear, Etiquetteer has already started to drift off . . . ) “This was told by the children’s father; and the mother told about Mount Vernon and the busy life of Martha looking after her household and her [enslaved] servants. The children of Mount Vernon were given a part in this tale, and the young guests gave rapt attention to charming true stories.”

Etiquetteer has grave doubts about that “rapt attention.” And in this century, Etiquetteer would be highly unlikely to include a half-hour lecture at a strictly social event.***** But Etiquetteer added that bracketed “[enslaved]” to point out that Washington’s full legacy is no longer off limits. We observe now the birthday not of a god who walked the earth, but of a man with deep flaws who became the leader of a new nation. Rather than ignore it, it’s most Perfectly Proper to learn more about the experience of slavery at Mount Vernon.

How will Etiquetteer observe the day? Simply, with a whiskey-oriented toast during the cocktail hour — possibly the Whiskey Rebellion cocktail suggested in Cocktail Hour Meets . . . a Presidential Election — and the rereading of a few passages from Henry Wiencek’s An Imperfect God: George Washington, His Slaves, and the Creation of America. However you choose to observe it, Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper Washington’s Birthday.

*Officially there is no such thing as Presidents Day, only Washington’s Birthday observed on a Monday.

**Etiquetteer will always remember the red cardboard hearts featuring silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington that were essential schoolroom decorations of the 1970s.

***Interestingly, Marie Antoinette was considered most beautiful when she was in motion, especially dancing.

****Waldorf salad served inside hollowed-out apples with stacks of cottage cheese cannon balls, for instance.

*****We must always remember the Ogden Nash poem “The Voice of Experience,” that begins “A husband at a lecture//Twitches his architecture.”

Dress Dinner Challenge 2.4 Recap, 20 February, 2021

Really, this was a very simple little dinner, with just a thimble of sherry and a bit of celeri coupé in the parlor for the cocktail hour, and then this menu:

Poulet à la crème à l'estragon Courgettes sautées

Salade verte sans imagination

Gateu de Nancy

Last year I had attempted chicken with tarragon cream sauce from The New York Times Cookbook, from which I vaguely remembered that I would need to Pump Up the Herb; sometimes I require a heavy hand with the herb jar. At three different points the recipe calls for a quarter cup of liquid to be poured into the skillet: white wine, chicken broth, and then cream at the end. Because it said “high heat,” the broth especially kept evaporating long before I felt it ought to, so I just kept adding more broth. The result was an extra savory flavor. In the words of the late Edith Piaf, “Non, je ne regrette rien.”

Because I’m cooking for one, if the recipe calls for wine, whatever doesn’t go into the recipe goes into my glass at the table. And I must say I found a superb white Bordeaux, Chateau de Fontenille Grand Bordeaux 2016 with a lot of French in four typefaces after it. I’ll look for that again.

At this point even I can sauté a zucchini without getting anxious about it, and I had no whimsy to spare on a salad this particular night. I omitted a starch because the elves have been sneaking into my clothes closet at night and secretly shrinking all my suits. Naughty, naughty elves!

With Washington’s Birthday only a couple days after this dinner, it made sense to incorporate something into the menu that a) didn’t need a hatchet to chop it down, and b) wasn’t cherries, because a) cherries have been done enough, and b) I’m allergic to cherries anyway. Happily, the Mount Vernon website includes dozens of recipes related to Martha Washington’s fabled hospitality. I settled on the gateu de Nancy because it involved chocolate and almond meal, both of which I already had in the pantry.

The result was very much like a brownie pancake, not inedible, but not exciting. For this I blame myself, not the recipe. Two reasons: I really didn’t whip the egg whites until they were “stiff but not dry,” and I think the springform cake pan I used was perhaps a little wider than recommended. If I attempt this recipe again (not likely), I may use a ring mold, which was also recommended.

In the bon bon dish, I indulged with a few goodies from Louis Sherry, because who can forget Lucille Bremer exclaiming “Louis Sherry!” when Leon Ames brings home a box for Mary Astor in Meet Me in St. Louis. It’s easy to understand why they’re so sought after! The Turkish Coffee one is especially suitable after such a dinner.

Dress Dinner Challenge 2.3 Recap, February 13, 2021

With Valentine’s Day the next day, Etiquetteer returned to The Book of Lists for foods once considered aphrodisiacs. The resulting menu therefore includes caviar, lobster, and asparagus*:

Bachelor Cocktail, from Cocktail Hour Meets . . . a Presidential Election

Petite pommes de terre à la crème sure et au caviar

Homard Newburg Asperges

Salade à la chandelle

Gâteau Reine de Saba

The Bachelor, named for President James Buchanan, is a deliciously smoky concoction composed of tequila, amontillado sherry, Cointreau, and a bit of pineapple and lime juice. It’s best sipped slowly, and also works well as a highball with club soda if you feel it necessary to pace yourself.

Should have remembered the minced green onion, and added a parsley garnish for a livelier plate.

To work in the caviar (salmon roe was what the market had, but red for Valentine’s Day totally works), I remembered an hors d’oeuvre from Pirate’s Pantry involving hollowed new potatoes topped with sour cream and caviar. Rare for me to have an appetizer course — I like to spend the cocktail hour relaxing in the parlor before clashing pans — but prep time was just a bit too long for these to get to the table hot. Still tasty, but next time I won’t forget the minced green onion, or to tap a little salt and pepper inside the potatoes before filling.

I had never cooked lobster before, and this Lobster Newburg came out rather well for a first attempt. Once a dear friend and I were talking about tough recipes, and he confided that he was most afraid of the instruction “Bring to just under a boil.” Here it was very clear: DO NOT BOIL, HEAT GENTLY. This, of course, could take forever! But patience, James Cagney in The Public Enemy, and a few sips of pink champagne helped me stay the course. And I remembered to trim the asparagus to the size of the dinner plate, so that worked well.

That frill pick is definitely more flamelike than a pimiento.

For a candlelight dinner the night before Valentine’s Day, only candlelight salad would do. I first learned about this recipe from Jane and Michael Stern’s Square Meals, in which they described it as “the paradigm of cunning cuisine” and included it in a bridal shower menu. Looking at other photos on the internet, I could have used more mayonnaise for the melted wax. Never having thought a pimiento looked very flamelike, I substituted something more sparkly.

But the real hit of the evening was my first attempt at a Queen of Sheba cake in a heart-shaped cake pan I rediscovered in my cellar. Several suggested recipes came from Facebook readers (thank you all very kindly!) but this one from my friend Ric (a disciple of Julia Child) looked simple enough for me to achieve and also involved chocolate. The production comes in three stages: meringue, batter, and glaze. The cake broke in transferring from cake pan to cooling rack, but as Julia Herself famously said “When you’re alone in the kitchen, who’s to see?!” Because there wasn’t enough glaze to cover the sides, I ended up using sliced almonds to outline the cracks on the top — a broken heart. But any broken heart can be healed with chocolate! This cake was amazing. I couldn’t believe I made it!

It’s not unusual to serve only champagne through a formal dinner, and pink champagne seemed Perfectly Proper to serve with everything on the menu and for a Valentine’s dinner.

However you’re celebrating, Etiquetteer would like to wish you a Perfectly Proper Valentine’s Day!

*Other items include eel, garlic (never Perfectly Proper at a formal dinner), ginseng, honey, oysters, peaches (Etiquetteer is allergic, boo hoo), and truffles. Etiquetteer cannot understand why chocolate is not on this list.

Etiquetteer Reviews Dinner Diaries, Vol. 20, Issue 12

Some time ago a friend and reader passed on to Etiquetteer Daniel Cappello’s 2014 book Dinner Diaries: Reviving the Art of the Hostess Book. Of course anything with Jackie Kennedy on the cover is bound to be interesting, and this book doesn’t disappoint (except that there’s almost nothing in it about Jackie Herself). Part homage to childhood influences and inspirations, part hospitality survey of the New York/Palm Beach set, reading it almost one year into the pandemic has Etiquetteer both pining to have a dinner party at home again and remembering boyhood dreams of grand evenings.

“Special-occasion china, handwritten thank-you notes, and carefully executed table arrangements are just some of the delightful details that continue to make the dinner party such a joy,” Mr. Cappello writes. And of course he’s correct. Precisely because the details are delightful — Mr. Cappello and Etiquetteer are surely not the only ones who think so! — means the dinner party is not doomed. His accounts of dinners held by his parents, and his own participation in their preparation, will delight.

The survey section of Dinner Diaries yields memories, advice, and a few surprises from the intersection of fashion, journalism, and philanthropy that inhabits New York and Palm Beach. Centerpieces don’t always have to be flowers (we often forget that), but a giant cloud of black licorice cotton candy sounds . . . ominous. But for the sort of people who are always going to black-tie functions, Novelty is the cornerstone of a good party.*

Asked about favorite china and silver, responses run the gamut from specific patterns to “Inherited” and even “chipped.” Offered the choice between a “chic” dinner in the kitchen or “formal” in the dining room, the responses were almost evenly divided. One respondent gave what Etiquetteer considers the Perfectly Proper response: “formal dinner in the dining room — but casual attitude.” In other words, assurance.

This is what Lillian Eichler meant in Today’s Etiquette way back in 1940: “The new etiquette does not concern itself so much with the minor details of table conduct . . . but rather with that fine ease and poise at table that make even a blunder seem of no great consequence.” One respondent offered this rule for hosts: “Avoid perfectionism — the unexpected always makes for a great party.” And this really underscores how etiquette and its practice have changed in the last 60 years, from slavish devotion to form giving way to greater attention to consideration and kindness.

And now, Etiquetteer will take the Dinner Diaries survey:

What is the perfect number of guests? Between four and twelve for general conversation.

Chic dinner in the kitchen or formal in the dining room? Regardless of chic or formal — and those aren’t mutually exclusive — always in the dining room. I’m a messy cook, and guests shouldn’t have to look at that.

You were inspired to be a good hostess by:

• My mother, who was such a good cook and a welcoming presence.

• My Granny Dimmick, who loved having a crowd of people around.

• Emily Post, who described the atmosphere of a dinner party so well.

• Miss Mame Dennis, 3 Beekman Place — what more need be said?

Small talk: insulting waste of time or necessary social lubricant? Absolutely necessary, especially when meeting total strangers in someone’s home. Disinterest in breaking the ice just looks arrogant.

Your dream menu includes: Arancini or smoked salmon, peas, chocolate in almost any form.

The place setting: American style? European style? Your own style? When in Rome, dahling . . . !

Have you ever used a cocktail fork, or other obscure flatware, in your setting? No. Life is complicated enough as it is.

Buffet-style service, family style, or served? Served if there’s someone else to do the serving, please! Otherwise family style, buffet for a Poverty Pasta night.

Your favorite line of dinnerware: Inherited, or the Hayes State Dinner Service at the White House. That said, my mother’s wedding china — white with two narrow bands of gold scrolling — was really the epitome of 20th-century formal china.

Your favorite line of flatware: Inherited.

Lighting: candlesticks, candelabrum, or votives? Votives around the room, tall tapers on the table so that the flame is above the eye. Really, it’s high time pink candleshades came back into vogue . . .

What was the most memorable centerpiece you’ve seen or used? Small china chick egg cups, perfect to hold chocolate eggs for Easter dinner. And I remember one close-set bouquet of white roses with one orange rose just off center.

Seating arrangement: the classic alternating genders, or rules be damned? I prefer the traditional boy/girl/boy/girl seating plan, but not at the expense of good combinations or conversation.

Music: classical, moody, or favorite online playlist du jour? No music at all once the party is seated. It takes away from the conversation.

Coffee at the table or served in another room? No coffee. Port or liqueurs at the table — I’ve found that people often want to remain at table rather than return to the parlor after dinner.

What makes for a great guest? Punctuality and a willingness to interact with others. Someone who can help at the bar in a pinch if needed.

What makes for a bad guest? If I’m doing the cooking, too many dietary requirements (this doesn’t make them bad people, but my capacity is limited). Otherwise, someone who calls or texts for driving directions five minutes before the party starts when I’m finishing preparations.

Your favorite hostess gift to give: A Lovely Note the next day.

What is the number one rule every good host or hostess must remember? Roll with the punches and don’t show stress. What you’re feeling and projecting directly impacts how your guests feel and the mood of the party.

If you could invite one guest to your next dinner party, living or dead, who would it be? Among the dead, my first reaction is Cecil Beaton, but I’d be afraid of what he’d write in his diary the next day! Instead I’d have to say Alice Roosevelt Longworth, a political hostess who understood the value of good table talk. Among the living, Chasten and Pete Buttigeig.

No dinner party would be complete without: Laughter.

What was the greatest dinner party you ever threw? A buffet dinner for 22 one August at a little Vermont inn. There was one long table overlooking a pond in the garden, covered with hippie bedspreads in green, yellow, and white, lit with pillar candles in square glass blocks. A magical evening. Also the dinner my sister’s family and I threw for our parents’ 50th wedding anniversary: 80-something people, speeches, songs, and a replica of their wedding cake.

What was the greatest dinner party you ever attended? Every year for the last 28 years, New Year’s Eve at the home of dear friends: a T-shaped table exquisitely set, four courses, family style, two desserts, three wines, and the closest friends. Heaven.

Words to live and entertain by:

• “Give people one night in which everything seems enchanted. When all the women seem beautiful, all the men are handsome and everyone’s made to feel they’re amusing and, yes, liked. And then go home thinking ‘Oh, what fun it was! Oh, what a wonderful evening. How good it is to be alive.’” — Mrs. Dalloway screenplay

• “Look, we’ve made enchantment!” — Blanche DuBois, A Streetcar Named Desire

• “If I’m going to enjoy my supper, I’ve got to take off these tight shoes.” — Laura Hope Crews as Prudence in Camille

The End of Dinner, by Jules-Alexandre Grün

*Etiquetteer is fond of quoting Zippy the Pinhead, who famously said “Frivolity is a stern taskmaster.” But those are not words to live by.

Umbrella Etiquette, Vol. 20, Issue 11

The internet declared February 10 to be National Umbrella Day, which of course makes it Perfectly Proper to go over a few points of umbrella etiquette.

• When not in use, an umbrella should be held vertically close to your body by its handle. This is why Etiquetteer likes an umbrella with a hooked handle; it can be hung on one’s wrist and (mostly) forgotten. Holding it horizontally by the middle is a passive-aggressive way of hogging the space around you.

• It’s not a sword, dear, and you’re not in The Three Musketeers, Camelot, or Spamalot.

• What is supposed to happen when two umbrellas approach each other on a rainy sidewalk? At least one of them is going to have to “give ground” by rising a foot or two in the air to prevent a collision. It might as well be you; Etiquetteer doesn’t fancy a game of Umbrella Chicken when everyone is already preoccupied with staying dry in the rain.

• A wet umbrella is one of the more awkward things to carry when arriving at someone’s home. It’s courteous to give it a good shake outside before entering, to reduce the runoff. Hosts should have a Perfectly Proper umbrella stand, or even just a plain old bucket in an emergency, near the front door.

• Days of rain and wind are fatal to umbrellas. Perhaps you, like Etiquetteer, have had an umbrella “tulip” on you and completely invert? Sometimes it’s possible to position it in the wind so that it will gust back into shape, but usually not. If you end up with a broken umbrella in the rain, please don’t just throw it into the gutter with disgust. Find a trashcan and dispose of it properly.

It’s a cruel fact that the best umbrellas, the ones we love, always end up separated from us far too soon. Cast-off, slightly ratty, or broken but still functional umbrellas always seem to remain with us forever.

Arguably one of the most beautiful parasol demonstrations of the 20th century: Queen Elizabeth, when consort to George VI, photographed by Cecil Beaton. Another image here.

People sometimes mix up the terms “umbrella” and “parasol.” They have different purposes. Umbrellas* were designed to protect ladies against the rain. Parasols were designed to protect ladies against the sun; that means they aren’t always waterproof. In that respect the 19th century was the apogee of the parasol, and you need only look at some of the collection of Brandon McKinney, Parasol Restorer, on Facebook or Instagram to get an idea of what they were like.

And yes, that’s right — umbrellas were designed to be used by ladies. Gentlemen everywhere should be offering a toast* tonight to Jonas Hanway (1712-1786), the first man to use an umbrella, and who tolerated a lot of teasing and violence to do so. Just think, without Mr. Hanway, we’d never have ended up with Gene Kelly’s iconic music/dance masterpiece “Singin’ in the Rain.”

Jonas Hamway and his umbrella, paving the way for other gentlemen to keep dry.

*Umbrellas have an ancient and honorable history that includes many ceremonial and symbolic purposes. For this column Etiquetteer is really concentrating on the use of umbrellas in daily life since they were first introduced in Europe in the early 18th century.

**Whether that’s with a drink that has a little paper umbrella in it or not is entirely up to you.

Dress Dinner Challenge 2.2 Recap, February 6, 2021

This menu came about because a) I wanted to attempt one or two dishes given by Millicent Fenwick as part of a traditional dinner of ceremony, b) there was a bottle of champagne in the house, c) I didn’t want to forget hollandaise sauce again, and d) it had been a long time since I’d had asparagus. The results were, um, mixed:

Mort dans l'après-midi cocktail

Consommé regrettable

Saumon poché Timbale de riz brun

Asperges

Sauce Hollandaise à mixeur inoublié

Salade vert

Sorbet au chocolat aux framboises

There’s nothing so easy as a Death in the Afternoon: pour champagne into glass, pour absinthe slowly into champagne, and hey presto, it’s a cocktail! I should have remembered to serve a small dish of olives with it.

Only when setting the table did I discover that Dear Grandmother’s silver included an army of butter knives, but no soup spoons! There was nothing else to do but shine up an everyday soup spoon.

The consommé, alas, disappointed. The recipe called for one egg white and crushed eggshell per quart of stock. Combine it all, stir gradually, and all that egg business is supposed to form a “thick scum” on top (to capture any impurities in the stock). Instead, the whole thing ended up looking like egg drop soup gone off. After straining it through a very clean dishcloth into an earthenware bowl and then reheating, and adding a bit more salt, it still tasted like dishwater that couldn’t get up on its hind legs. Had I remembered to serve a little glass of sherry with it, it might have been better. I kept going back to Emily Post’s story of Mrs. Newwed, “How a Dinner Can Be Bungled,” and how she described the shock of seeing a plate of muddy soup that was supposed to be clear. Oh well, thank goodness there was more dinner to follow!

I am at least able to poach a piece of salmon without mishap now thanks to the pandemic, and it came out very nicely. The next time I serve asparagus on these plates, I’ll remember to trim them to plate size before cooking. In a true formal dinner the asparagus would be its own course following the entrée. I’ve perfected the blender Hollandaise by using just a bit more cayenne and a bit less lemon than recommended. (And it will accompany meals here for the next week there’s so much of it.)

The real success of the evening was that brown rice timbale. Timbales are nice for a formal presentation because they look so contained. This turned out tasty, and I can use the leftovers for arancini.

I almost forgot the salad, but I kept it in its traditional position following the main course, and then just chocolate sorbet and berries to finish off the meal.

Dinner was barely over before I had to change into something less dressy for a Zoom party (it’s so nice to get invited to a party these days!), during which I could enjoy conversation with my final glass of champagne. All in all, an evening with more hits than misses. Moral: leave consommé to the experts, confirm asparagus length before boiling, and roll with the punches.

Illegibility, Vol. 20, Issue 10

Dear Etiquetteer:

You’re the one always talking about how important “Lovely Notes” are, but maybe you haven’t had my problem. I am the only person in my family who can read a particular person’s handwriting. So anytime anyone in my family gets a thank-you note or a gift, they have to come to me to decipher it. I’m getting a little tired of the eye rolls and calls of “Mom, I can’t read this!” This person is too old for me to say “You need to improve your handwriting,” but is it okay if I ask for future notes to be typed or printed? I know you’re always telling us how meaningful actual handwriting is, but how meaningful can a message be if you can’t read it without help? So, Etiquetteer . . . help!

Dear Corresponding:

Good penmanship is an important aspect of Perfect Propriety, shockingly neglected in schools over the last couple decades. (This is just one of many articles lamenting its decline and fall.) But bad penmanship has been around even longer, which is why there are penmanship books for adults still in print. (If you do an internet search for “penmanship exercises for adults” you’ll see many choices.)

This situation isn’t going to solve itself with silence. A conversation needs to take place, but you must approach it from a place of kindness because your correspondent’s motives are kindly. Try to put yourself in the space of “X is trying to maintain a relationship with us but doesn’t realize how these notes are being received” instead of “It’s so frustrating not to be able to read these notes all the time.” Then you can be honest about what’s happening and suggest more legible communications.

Now Etiquetteer has a question for you. Are these family members for whom you’re interpreting over the age of consent? If so, they are old enough to maintain their own relationships with this person without you as go-between. Next time they come to you with “I can’t read this,” remind them “You know how to contact this person — call or text and ask for a translation.”

Etiquetteer wishes you and your particular person many more Legible Lovely Notes in the future.

Zoom Weddings, Vol. 20, Issue 9

Dear Etiquetteer:

I'm thrilled to attend the wedding of two dear friends. I have know them for over a decade and they are wonderful people. If the wedding was in person, I am fairly certain that I would know how to respectfully celebrate this union. (That is, my days of emptying the open bar and being dragged off the dance floor are over.) However, the idea of a virtual wedding is perplexing. My partner and I will take this opportunity to dress up, but are there other things that we should be ready for?

There are some basics of the "netiquette" that we will be sure to follow: no checking email, all the other browser windows closed, no distractions, be present, etc. However, I would prefer to not treat this like another Zoom meeting.

I thank you in advance for any advice and insight you might provide.

Dear Wedding Guest:

For some, treating a Zoom wedding differently from “another Zoom meeting” will mean being fully dressed from neck to feet. At this point in the pandemic, Etiquetteer thinks people are a little weary of Mullet Wear, “business on top, party on the bottom.” Please dress fully, including shoes; if the wedding invitation includes a dress code, honor it.

Etiquetteer is delighted to know that your household is dressing up for the wedding. Recently Etiquetteer heard from a friend who attended a family wedding via Zoom; he expressed surprise that so many attendees (both family and friends) used the occasion to dress up in their best, an unexpected delight that contributed to the joy of the occasion. But some of the old rules still apply, particularly Don’t Upstage the Bride. If everyone’s looking at your Miss Universe tiara and not the Happy Couple, it won’t soon be forgotten.

All your netiquette instincts mirror Wedding Perfect Propriety at an in-person wedding: pay attention, focus on the service, don’t be distracted, and don’t be a distraction. Technical difficulties are magnified by the importance of the occasion — everyone obviously wants a wedding to go smoothly — so Etiquetteer always advises logging in at least a couple minutes early. If you’re uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the technology, get help before the wedding day from someone you trust so that you can approach your device with confidence. And when tech issues do surface (yours or someone else’s) be patient.

Where online weddings fail to replicate the Total Wedding Experience is the ability to chat intimately with other wedding guests. In-person weddings are so often full of shrieks of greeting from long-lost friends or relations, spied at a distance across the church. Who knows who you could see in that Zoom mosaic?! Your favorite auntie, disappeared fraternity brothers, colleagues from a previous job, cousins who live across the country. Verbal calls of “Hey there!” “Yoohoo!” and “Darling!” aren’t Perfectly Proper in church, and on Zoom they compel the attention of 100% of attendees. Use the chat feature to say hello privately; that means using the dropdown menu to change it from “Everyone.” If chat is disabled, make a mental note to reach out to these folks after the wedding to suggest your own tech rendezvous.

You’ll find even more Perfect Propriety for Zoom weddings at The New York Times here. Etiquetteer wishes your friends a Joyous Zoom Wedding and Long and Happy Life together ever after.

Last week, Beth Teitell published an interesting piece in The Boston Globe about wedding planning during the pandemic, mostly focusing on how to handle a wedding with a perpetually changing date. What disturbed Etiquetteer most was the story of Emily McCleary and her fiancée. It’s distressing enough to have to cancel a large and longed-for wedding, and Etiquetteer has Complete Compassion for them. But, “McCleary and her fiancée actually already got legally married — in a tiny ceremony that did not satisfy relatives who Zoomed in. Now she’s being — let’s say — nudged to host a proper wedding this summer.” These disappointed relatives are disappointing Etiquetteer. Of course an in-person wedding is what we’re all used to, but their expectations rank a distant second under the circumstances. Their own offers to host a party in honor of the Happy Couple (if any) went unrecorded in the article, but really . . . if what you’re missing is a party, then you hold the party, and you pay for the party.

We are at war (against the pandemic) and wartime weddings are of necessity smaller and simpler. In World War II The Little Church Around the Corner in New York hosted thousands of wartime weddings, but couples had to line up around the block to wait their turns for a service that took 15 minutes tops. And because of rationing, they often went without Traditional Bridal Finery, too. Etiquetteer applauds the couples who are bravely pursuing their paths to Wedded Bliss at this challenging time in our history. It’s our duty, as friends and family, to put our Best Faces Forward, conceal any disappointment, and focus only on the Long Life and Happiness of the Happy Couple. That’s how we win the war!