“Let people tell you if they choose. Only vulgar people probe.” — Joan Tetzel in The Paradine Case
Dear Etiquetteer:
I recently had lunch with a dear friend whom I had not seen in over twenty years. I had trouble recognizing her because of her plastic surgery. I did my best to hide my wild surmise, but it was a bit difficult to remain composed since every time I looked in her direction diplomacy was brought to the brink by botox. Here, a response to “You haven’t changed a bit!” became a verbal tightrope. Otherwise, it was a joyful reunion, but have you any advice for those of us who are ambushed by a friend’s redefined features?
Dear Startled:
Etiquetteer is not quite sure where to begin, with your concern not to embarrass your friend, your masking of your surprise, or your disapproval of plastic surgery (or at least of its results in this particular case.) Vanity isn’t the only reason for plastic surgery; please think kindly about your friend’s motivations.
There are so many ways not to recognize someone you haven’t seen in many years, not just surgery: Time (it marches across all our faces), a new hairstyle, tattoos — shucks, seeing someone out of context! Yes, it can feel embarrassing. Why not lean into that? “Gosh, it’s been such a long time I hardly know what to say!” Let that buy you time to dredge up some happy memories you can share.
“You haven’t changed a bit!” is one of those standard phrases like “How do you do?” that helps oil the machine of Social Conversation. We hear it at both family and class reunions, not to mention weddings. There’s no need to respond in kind. Rather than refer to your friend’s appearance at all, just say “Thank you” or “It’s a joy to see you, too” and change the subject to absent friends, a shared past experience, or the lunch menu. Had your friend brought up the topic directly — “And what do you think of my new face?” — only compliments are appropriate.
In the end, Igor’s advice in Young Frankenstein remains the best: “Say nothing, act casual.”
Etiquetteer wishes you many happy reunions and the presence of mind to enjoy old acquaintances as you find them.