It’s no sin to rely on tried-and-true phrases to oil the machinery of social conversation. For instance, “How do you do?” remains a Perfectly Proper greeting that has stood the test of time. (The only two possible answers are “How do you do?” and “Very well, thank you. And you?”) But when these phrases become openly mocked and the subject of memes, well . . . “Houston, we have a problem.” Let’s reset some of our communication go-to phrases that have become punchlines.
Tired: “Thoughts and prayers.” What is supposed to be an abbreviated expression of sympathy has become widely derided as Absolutely Insincere.
Wired: Choose either thoughts or prayers for “My [thoughts/prayers] are with you.” Or bypass altogether with “Holding you in my heart.”
Tired: “I hope this email finds you well.” See the meme above for how the email finds you.
Wired: No substitution needed. Just proceed with the business at hand.
Tired: “Per my last email . . . ” Seen as actively hostile and impatient.
Wired: “When I wrote you on [date], I mentioned . . . ”
Tired: “Pleased to meet you!” Unlike “How do you do,” this has not stood the test of time.
Wired: “I’m so happy to know you.” Think of Lee Patrick greeting Bette Davis in Now, Voyager this way. Calm, cool, sincere, exactly on point.
Tired: “Have a great rest of your day!” Etiquetteer has always found this construction clunky.
Wired: Be specific. “Have a good afternoon/evening!” sounds much nicer.
Tired: “Oh this old thing? I only wear it when I don’t care how I look!” Immortalized by Gloria Grahame in It’s a Wonderful Life, and an admitted favorite of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, it is actually not polite to respond to a compliment by disparaging it.
Wired: “Thank you!” Brief, concise, specific — what could be more Perfectly Proper?
Tired: “I’m gonna go [Insert Specific Bodily Function Here].” No one wants or needs to know what you’re going to do when you get the restroom! Honestly people!
Wired: “Oh, I’m just going to go powder my nose!” Immortalized by Aline MacMahon in Gold Diggers of 1933, this line is best delivered by heterosexual male businessmen secure in their masculinity. More simply, “I’m going to wash my hands” removes any coy simpering from one’s departure.
You will likely have your own suggestions, and Etiquetteer looks forward to hearing them!