Etiquetteer, in a state of indisposition, is just going to toss out a few things that no one asked about.
If the waiter asks “What is that?” when you place your drink order, change your order. No matter how badly you want a sazerac or [Insert Name of Preferred Cocktail Here], the risk of your drink getting bungled in translation will cast a shadow over your evening. Switch to something more basic.
The best places to scroll social media on a smartphone when out in public are in corners, against walls or when seated. They are not on staircases or escalators, in front of doorways, or at the cash register. In general, if you’re in motion, eyes up!
When packing for an extended trip with limited baggage, select clothes in a limited color palette so that you have as many options as possible with the minimum items. Etiquetteer often bases his travel wardrobe on old-fashioned half-mourning: black, white, gray, brown, pink, and purple.
Dignified silence is often more effective than spluttering indecision or invective. Take a deep breath to consider your words.
Deflect unwanted questions as gently as possible. For those unable to pick up on social cues, switch the focus to their own interest. “You take an embarrassingly intimate interest in my personal affairs. Why is that?” (The British rebuke “You’re not very curious, are you?” no longer seems as universally understood as it once was.)
The code for one gentleman to tell another that his fly is open is “XYZ” for “examine your zipper.” The code for one lady to tell another that her slip is showing is “It’s snowing down south.”
Sometimes, when in a bad mood, you have to play peek-a-boo with a stranger’s baby on the subway to stop that baby from crying and bringing down everyone else’s mood. That’s true Perfect Propriety.
There’s a time and a place to wear your suit and tie (or your gloves and pearls) and a time and place to drink beer out of the bottle in the kitchen. They are usually not the same time and place — possibly back at the house after the funeral — but they both have their place in our daily lives, and they both have their standards of behavior.