Dear Etiquetteer:
A friend recently introduced me to an interesting and attractive man who lives in my area. I completely misread the signs and proceeded to flirt in a heavy-handed and inappropriate fashion.
I’m embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior and would like to apologize. I’ve obviously dug a hole for myself with the first impression I made, but if possible I’d like to make some steps toward becoming friends. (At the very least, I do not want him to be uncomfortable if — and more likely when — we see each other in public.)
Aside from knocking off the inappropriate flirting, what is your advice on making an apology? Also, what are your thoughts on attempting to build a friendship?
Dear Flirting:
First, Etiquetteer gives you credit for recognizing that you behaved inappropriately. Not everyone does, which makes things so very difficult later. And you recognize that you may have an uphill battle mending this fence.
An apology is a noble goal, but be prepared for a possible rebuff. Etiquetteer can’t know the degree to which this man is offended with you, but he may consider any outreach intrusive. Flowers, so often a Lovely Gesture of Contrition, would be Not At All Perfectly Proper in this case — too easy to misconstrue as a Romantic Overture. Texting or email might also feel invasive, e.g. “Oh no, I’ve been tracked down!”
The next time you see this person in public, the most important thing you can do is to keep your hands to yourself. Maintaining social distance, apologize for have created an awkward situation. Avoid compliments like “Well, you were just so fascinating,” which appear to blame the Object of Your Flirting for being irresistible. Also avoid language that minimizes the situation, like “I’m not usually like this.” It doesn’t matter whether you are or not; what matters is what happened this time.
As to pursuing a friendship . . . let this person take the lead. Even if your apology is received well, this person may prefer to keep you at arm’s length. As you suggest that it’s very likely the two of you will see each other in public, after your apology, let him approach you. You’ve already seen that Insistence yielded poor results; you may have better fortune with Reserve.
Etiquetteer wishes you a cordial reception to a well-considered apology, and greater awareness of your hands and personal space when out and about.