New York magazine’s The Cut just put out “194 updated rules on how to tip, text, ghost, host, and politely deal with strangers.” Some of them are sensible, some are inscrutable, and others are being fiercely debated on social media. Still others are replete with split infinitives, which makes Etiquetteer crazy. So why shouldn’t Etiquetteer join the fray? Let’s consider a few of these.
2. “You may callously cancel almost any plans up until 2pm.” Callously?! Life happens, but the more you treat plans with friends with callousness, the fewer friends you’ll have. If that’s your ultimate goal (and it might be), carry on. Otherwise, Etiquetteer stands in the camp of “Honor your R.s.v.p.”
5. “Don’t use friends as foreplay” begins “If, as a couple, you start an argument in the middle of a group of friends . . ” and Etiquetteer goes full stop. DO NOT start an argument in the middle of a group of friends, period. Take your little couple’s tiff someplace else, or save it until you get home. No one needs to be part of that.
13. “It’s never too late to send a condolence note.” Yes. Etiquetteer’s opinions about condolences are well known.
30. “When casually asked how you are, say ‘Good!’” Actually, the correct response is “Very well, thank you.” Concluding “And you?” is optional. Elevate your game, people.
47. “Listening is not the time for you to silently rehearse what you want to say next. We can see your eyes glazing over.” That’s a very good point, but how about its corollary: if you can see people’s eyes glazing over, stop talking or change the subject. They might be rehearsing how to get out of your monologue — um, conversation.
51. “No deciding your order at the counter. When you roll up, speak up.” Sweet mercy goodness yes. Use that time in line to everyone’s advantage by making up your mind!
52. “Don’t foist your allergies onto a dinner party.” Oh dear, this is getting a lot of pushback. Etiquetteer has a certain amount of sympathy for people with serious medical allergies. But the example given (a dinner guest bringing his own meal in a blender (!)) pulls the focus away from the fellowship of the dinner table and the atmosphere the hosts want to create to that specific person. The late Gloria Swanson, famously vegetarian, would bring her own sandwich in her handbag and slip it to the butler to be served to her when everyone got the entrée. It didn’t become a focus.
52 (continued). As reported on Yahoo, someone protested on Twitter “Counterpoint: you’re a terrible host if you throw a dinner party without asking your friends if they have any allergies . . . They’re supposed to just get sick or go hungry for your ego?” This sounds like it’s coming from someone who has never actually given a dinner party themselves. Hosts don’t prepare dinner menus out of a sense of ego — the best ones don’t, anyway. The problem is the number of people who claim preferences as allergies. That becomes a burden to hosts.
55. “For group dinners with friends, always split the bill evenly.” This is also getting a lot of pushback from people who have been stiffed when only ordering a salad. The obvious solution, which everyone seems to have ignored, is separate checks! The restaurants lost that battle a long time ago. Insist on a separate check if you have concerns.
69. “Don’t go into a phone vortex at dinner.” True. Better yet, if you need to use your phone during dinner, leave the table to use it, use it only for what you need (e.g. don’t linger to scroll through the socials), and return to the party. Be with who you’re with.
80. “Don’t buy a gift off-registry.” Nonsense.
101. “Don’t comment on other people’s food.” Yes! This drives Etiquetteer mad. You can’t just say “I’m about to spoil the visual that intrigues you by putting it in my mouth.”
102. “You can eat anything at your desk in an open-plan office.” No. Highly aromatic foods are still a no-no.
112. “Ask how much everyone pays in rent.” Etiquetteer knows rents are ridiculously sky high, but not everyone wants to talk about it, or should be forced to deflect your inquiry. People are entitled to keep their finances private. As Eve Arden said in Mildred Pierce, “Leave something on me!”