Dear Etiquetteer:
I have a request! I am an old single man whose family has been dead for over 30 years. The holiday season is tolerable for me, but I try to avoid family groups. I go to a movie or two, I may take a walk around town, but I am accustomed to being alone on Christmas and that is fine with me.
I have been invited by a neighbor who is very dear to me to join her, three family members, and their friends for Christmas. I don’t want to go, but I do not want to offend my friend or her family by declining rudely. How can I decline gracefully without hurting feelings, please?
Dear Invited:
The perceived desirability of the Large Holiday Gathering has become so universal that those who really prefer to be alone are looked on as either pitiable or weird. Neither is true! There’s nothing wrong with a Holly Jolly Solitary Christmas, and Etiquetteer hopes very much that you enjoy yours.
Etiquetteer just loves your query because you truly see that your neighbor’s invitation is offered sincerely and kindly. Emphasize her kindness in your response while explaining that you prefer to spend Christmas in quiet contemplation. “I know it’s against the stereotype to be on one’s own for Christmas, but I have really come to enjoy having this day to myself. But I am so touched that you care enough about my well-being to want to include me in your own gathering. That means a lot, and I will lift a glass in your direction Christmas morning.”
If you want to soften the blow of your response by sending something edible the company can enjoy (like a tin of cookies or candies) that might be the frosting on the cake. Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper Merry Christmas in Single Blessedness.
🎄🎄🎄
Readers had quite a bit to say about the person trying to get out of going to the holiday party that had turned into a murder mystery role playing evening. One facet of the situation that didn’t get covered is the timing. If the person is going to decline, that needs to happen immediately so that the hosts have enough time to invite/recruit/dragoon someone else to take that part. Usually these murder mystery games require a specific number of guests. (Charades may be played with any number.)
Two thirds of Etiquetteer’s Instagram followers voted to decline the invitation, while one third voted to go anyway. One reader replied “It’s nearly impossible to feign interest, let alone excitement, when doing something that is so uncomfortable for you. The discomfort just kind of leaks out all on its own.”
But Etiquetteer was also impressed with the selflessness of a Gentleman Reader’s choice to attend: “I hate parties. I hate games. I hate role playing. But I love my wife, and I feel friends are important . . . Suck it up and ‘put on your big boy pants.’ This is not a two-year round the world cruise. It’s one evening with friends. Go to the party and do everything you can to make your wife and friends think you’re really enjoying it. At the end of the evening tell them both you honestly weren’t looking forward to it but it turned out to be more fun than you expected. That might actually turn out to be true, but if it isn’t, say it anyway.”
To which Etiquetteer could only add, next year, be sure you see the invitation yourself before your spouse accepts it.