Suddenly everyone seems to be panicking about the coronavirus. Everyone needs to take a well-considered breath before continuing to lose their minds. This is hardly the time to start crying “It’s like the end of the world!” with Aunt Pittypat and refugeeing to Macon*. Instead, let’s join Mrs. White in a brisk, declarative “PLEASE!” regain control of ourselves, and lay some plans for Pandemic Perfect Propriety.
The first and most obvious thing to change is how people interact in public spaces - or avoid interacting. The New York Times has unapologetically suggested moving as far away as possible from those exhibiting cold or flu symptoms in public. “Try for six feet, but even a little distancing is helpful.” This can seem counterintuitive to recognizing our common humanity, but from a public health standpoint, it’s Perfectly Proper.
Patience, sympathy, and understanding will have to be piled on thick during this pandemic period, especially as we consider how we greet each other. The handshake, the traditional gesture of greeting, suddenly seems a life-threatening procedure to more than a few. Social kissing may seem more so, even the airier variety. And then there’s the “L.A. Hug,” a seemingly regional custom of the seven- to ten-second hug replacing the handshake for even the most casual greeting. Sweet mercy goodness. Is that a hug, or slow dancing?
Now Etiquetteer has to admit to hating the phrase “I don’t shake hands.” No matter how compassionately or thoughtfully it’s expressed, to Etiquetteer it always sounds like “You are unclean and I am not going to risk my health to treat you like an equal.” No, that really isn’t what they mean, Etiquetteer must hasten to add, but that’s what it feels like.** To refuse to shake a man’s hand was (and often is) considered an insult***. But here we are entering a period where handshaking is identified as a risky behavior. Etiquetteer is going to have to replace those feelings of rejection with awareness of this unique period and Patient Compassion.
The “L.A. Hug” gives us the other side of the coin. “I don’t shake hands, may I hug you?” says “I reject tired old common courtesy in favor of true intimacy with everyone and if you don’t hug me back it can only mean that you’re uptight, unwilling to forge a true emotional connection, and a bad person.” Someone in that NYT article is quoted saying “It’s as if greeting someone with a warm smile and handshake is like flipping someone the bird or telling them they smell.” (You really should read that article. It’s fascinating, and alarming.)
In response to which Etiquetteer can only take a step back, stare steadily into the eyes of the Eager L.A. Hugger and channel Mary Astor in Across the Pacific: “I don’t think I know you that well.” And indeed, the most Perfectly Proper way to get out of an unwanted hug is to take a brisk step back, fix the eye of the Hugger with a firm stare, and extend the hand forthrightly for a handshake. Etiquetteer has seen ladies do this in the workplace for years with masterful results.
Those of us to continue to offer our hands (or kisses) in traditional greeting must prepare to be more tolerant of those who will shy away, whether they are total strangers or intimate friends and family. They are rejecting only the physical form of your greeting, not you yourself. This is likely to take a lot of adjustment, but don’t despair, and don’t give up.
Really, it’s high time for us all to start bowing slightly from the waist. It’s Completely Respectable and acknowledges both our common humanity and a mutual desire to contain the spread of germs. Does this sound like it might become Pandemic Perfect Propriety?
Lastly, make more of an opportunity to wash your hands, especially when out and about. There’s nothing embarrassing about excusing yourself for this purpose (though you needn’t advertise it), and it’s been proven many times over to be a very effective method of reducing transmission. Here’s a very interesting 2012 article from Psychology Today on the subject you may find interesting.
*But should the time come that we do have to refugee to Macon with Aunt Pittypat, don’t forget to bring the silver. If there’s any lesson to be learned from Gone With the Wind, it’s that when you refugee, you bring the silver. Sterling silver, that is. Plate isn’t worth the bother.
**Everyone else gets to have feelings about manners, why not Etiquetteer?!
*** An interesting Miss Manners column on the subject is here.