Dear Etiquetteer:
I am planning a drive out of state over Thanksgiving. A friend may or may not be coming with me. My problem is that even with hearing aids, I have difficulty hearing. My friend — let’s call her Friend — speaks softly at the best of times, and when in the car hurtling along the highway, she makes no effort to speak a bit more loudly, which should not be difficult. I have asked her repeatedly to speak up, and on the occasions when I have to mention it more than once, Friend responds with an irritated blast of volume. I don’t think she’s being passive-aggressive, but it’s possible. Any advice?
Dear Driver:
“A lady never speaks above a whisper,” Miss Jessie taught us in that delightful novel of the 1970s Splendora. Once upon a time a voice of quiet graciousness was considered so ladylike. Etiquetteer thinks of devious Brigid O’Shaughnessy in The Maltese Falcon, who spoke “so softly that only the purest articulation made the words intelligible.” Nancy, the shopgirl in O. Henry’s “The Trimmed Lamp,” looks up to her society idol Mrs. Van Alstyne Fisher, “for that excellent thing, a soft, low voice as clear as silver and as perfect in articulation as the notes of a thrush.” But those were the days when autos didn’t move faster than, say, 12 miles an hour.
Etiquetteer sympathizes with both you and your Soft-Voiced Friend. It is enormously frustrating to be unable to hear or understand what is said to you, but it can also be physically draining to concentrate intensely over a sustained period on vocal delivery. What you are assuming “should not be difficult” might actually be wearing Friend out. If only elocution lessons could once again be included in an educational curriculum! Pronounced, not to say excessive, enunciation helps more than volume when speaking with the hard of hearing. Indeed, that’s why Noel Coward developed his veddy veddy clipped voice: to be understood by his mother, who was somewhat deaf after a childhood illness.*
Because this has come up before, Etiquetteer thinks you need to have a candid but respectful conversation with Friend well before the day of your road trip. Don’t spring it on her as she’s getting into the car. Be frank about your hearing, as well as the impact the white noise of driving has on it. Explain kindly that you don’t want to appear inattentive to her, but the triple challenge of your hearing, her soft voice, and travel noise will mean you will often end up asking her to repeat herself. Suzanne Vale makes the most memorable suggestion in Postcards from the Edge: “I'm simply suggesting we all try to enjoy each other without having to assign blame.” It’s not your fault that you’re going deaf, and it’s not her fault that she has a tiny voice. You’re both working with what the Deity of Your Choice provided.
You may both decide that listening to music or podcasts for at least part of the time is the best way to keep the peace. That would be Perfectly Proper, too, and might give you something to talk about once you reach your (quiet) destination.
Etiquetteer wishes both you and your Soft-Voiced Friend a safe and happy drive and a beautiful Thanksgiving.
*From Noel Coward: A Biography, by Phillip Hoare