Combatting Mother's Day, Vol. 23, Issue 31

Please, dear Etiquetteer:

Address not wishing every woman a Happy Mother’s Day. Not all of us are mothers, not everyone ever wanted to be one, and some who desperately wanted to become one were not able to do so.

And not everyone even had a good relationship with their own mothers either. You and I had dear beloved good moms, but we are the lucky ones.

Dear Concerned:

People are much more sympathetic than they used to be about Tenaciously Positive Holidays like Mother’s Day for exactly the reasons you describe. Not everyone has happy associations with the day, but they feel pressured to exhibit a Tenaciously Positive Attitude. It is healthy to acknowledge this. You are allowed to feel how you feel.

And you’re not alone. The backlash* against Mother’s Day has been going on for some time. Starting, in fact, with the woman responsible for Mother’s Day As We Know It, Anna Jarvis. According to Encyclopedia Britannica, who ought to know, “in protest against its commercialization, Jarvis spent the last years of her life trying to abolish the holiday she had brought into being.” Consider that she died over 75 years ago, and that Mother’s Day endures, replete with greeting cards, bouquets and corsages (red or pink if your mother is living, white if your mother has died), restaurant meals, homemade gifts and the myth of serving Mother breakfast in bed.

Etiquetteer is happy to report that some commercialization is being tempered as businesses change their ways. Etiquetteer was touched to get a Perfectly Proper email from a local florist with the invitation to Opt Out of Mother’s Day promotions. Wasn’t that thoughtful?

With awareness that Mother’s Day isn’t for everyone, there is also greater awareness that we are responsible for our own triggers. We cannot change the behavior of others (particularly total strangers), but we can make conscious decisions about how to react to behavior that makes us feel uncomfortable, no matter how kindly intended.

Etiquetteer does think it’s a good idea not to toss out indiscriminate “Happy Mother’s Day!” greetings to women unless they’re seen actively celebrating with their descendants.** If that greeting is unwelcome to you and you get it anyway, turn the focus back with “I hope you have a happy day!” and then either change the subject or move along.

If this holiday is particularly difficult for you, Etiquetteer recommends actively planning in advance to avoid it. Annie Wright over at The Mighty offers 13 very helpful suggestions for how to handle Mother’s Day, particularly in where and with whom you spend the day. Positive action can mitigate negative feeling.

Etiquetteer wishes you a Mother’s Day experience of your choice in sympathetic company.

*Since Mother’s Day was firmly established by the start of World War I, it might be argued that Sidney Howard’s 1926 Broadway hit The Silver Cord was part of the backlash. The play concerns a domineering mother attempting to thwart the marriages of her two sons to bind them more closely to her. This may have been the greatest role of Laura Hope Crews, but she will always be remembered first as Aunt Pittypat in Gone With the Wind.

**But Etiquetteer has not heard that this is a thing, though. It will be very interesting to learn about reader experiences.

May Miscellany, Vol. 23, Issue 30

“It’s May! It’s May!” cries lusty Queen Guinevere to her court, inciting them to ahem traditional revelry. But May is also a month of Perfect Propriety, especially for lovers of tradition. On this May Day, Etiquetteer wants to point out a few little items so you can be prepared.

Starting with today, May Day. According to Almanac, “people in Britain welcome spring by ‘Bringing in the May,’ or gathering cuttings of flowering trees for their homes.” They specifically mention “branches of forsythia, magnolia, redbud, lilac,” but not hawthorn. Etiquetteer remembered Jacy in Clemence Dane’s enormous novel The Flower Girls popping into a London florist. “He asked for hawthorn boughs, but the reaction to that suggestion was cold. ‘You can’t bring may into the house, sir,’ said the saleslady firmly, and took charge of him from that moment as a creature of irresponsible, communistic tendencies who needed watching.” This may have to do with the folklore of hawthorn being associated with the fairies, so use caution. Still, one may bedeck oneself or others with a wreath of flowers or a sprig of something for a lapel.

Speaking of hawthorn, apparently the Scots say “Ne’er cast a clout till May be out.” This translates to “Keep your clothes on until the hawthorn is in bloom.” Depending on where you live, this might be problematic for World Naked Gardening Day, always the first Saturday of May. Etiquetteer’s advice on how to observe, or avoid, from Volume 15, remains a good guide.

Mother’s Day, the second Sunday is May, is sure to prompt a wave of restaurant reservations for brunch. Please begin making those plans now and verify your reservation two days in advance to prevent, um, surprises on the day. If your mother loves flowers, consider the traditional corsage: red (or pink) flowers if her mother is living, white flowers if not (Southern Living explains the symbolism and more here), or whatever her favorite flower is if that’s what she prefers. What could be more Perfectly Proper? Etiquetteer used to love to send Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) a big purple cattlyea orchid because she remembered getting one at a college dance.

May 15 remains Straw Hat Day, when our felt hats are officially put away to rest for the summer and our panamas and boaters come out. Etiquetteer’s history of the evolution of this observance may be found in Volume 14.

National Wine Day on May 25 could not be a better opportunity to remind wine bibbers that a wineglass is properly held by the stem and not the bowl to avoid warming the wine or marking the glass with your greasy hands. The one exception is a brandy snifter.

And for those who love a good tradition, Memorial Day weekend brings us the official launch of the summer season with the return of white shoes and white linen.

With that, Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper May.

Job Offers, Vol. 23, Issue 29

Dear Etiquetteer:

What’s the etiquette around walking back an accepted job offer. I’ve heard of two people who needed to do so recently.

Dear Jobbing:

If a successful applicant has accepted a position and then decided not to take it — or if an employer has rescinded an accepted job offer — the most important thing to do is to communicate that information, in writing, as swiftly as possible. Consideration for others is the bedrock of good manners everywhere, including the workplace. People make plans based on a new job that could be irreversible — as for instance, giving notice at one’s current job. To leave people hanging doesn’t speak well to Who You Are (or Your Company). So responding promptly isn’t just about Perfect Propriety, it’s also about confirming the impression you want to make of Who You Are.

Here’s a sample communication; tailor with specifics as needed:

Dear [Insert Name of Employer Contact Here]:

I was grateful to be chosen for the position we have been speaking about. After consideration, I have decided that the position is not going to be the best fit for me, and have chosen to make other plans. As you reopen the search for this position, I want to thank you and the team for your time and goodwill. I wish you the best as you reopen the search.

Yours sincerely,

[Insert Your Signature Here]

Etiquetteer deplores the current practice of ghosting in the professional world, whether it’s a company or an employee doing the ghosting. (This piece in Forbes delves into it further and is worth your time: “This cold avoidance of sharing feedback is disorienting and discouraging for candidates. They feel taken advantage of, as they put in a lot of time and effort interviewing, and held certain expectations for the outcome as they moved further into the process.”) Yes, communicating uncomfortable news is part of the workplace, but that doesn’t mean avoiding it altogether is an acceptable alternative. Suck it up, Buttercup!

Etiquetteer wishes you frank, courteous, and successful communications in the workplace, and elsewhere.

Locker Room Etiquette, Vol. 23, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer:

Recently at the gym, while I was changing in the locker room, another member walked in Facetiming and stopped next to me. When I suggested he might want to take that call outside the locker room, he glared at me and said, “Why, what’s the big deal? I’m aiming the camera at me.”  I persisted, suggesting that if he were feeling chatty (the language used on the placards posted on the lockers), it might be better to take it outside.  He gave me another look and exited, returning a moment later, saying, “I ended the call for you; I hope you’re happy.” I gave him my best, sincere smile and said “Yes, thank you very much. I appreciate that.”

An hour later, having finished my workout, I went to the long counter of sinks to shave, only to find another member watching video on his phone, playing loudly enough to be heard over his running water and by all.  This time I said nothing, shaved, and left.

Might I have done something different in the first case, and what would you recommend for the second?

Dear Flummoxed at Equinox:

Locker rooms are vulnerable environments, obviously. At home we undress, bathe and groom in privacy.* A locker room forces us into intimate proximity with strangers, and that means Basic Etiquette: Consideration for Others.

And at the top of that list needs to be No Technology. Why? First, because anyone who’s used the internet in this century is aware of ahem Clandestine Imagery taken in locker rooms and circulated without the knowledge or consent of the photographed. No one should be surprised that visible smartphones could make other people anxious about their security. Second, taking a call or listening to music without earbuds is just as rude in a locker room as it is anywhere else in public: restaurants, subways, checkout lines . . . any place. Thermae Bath Spa won’t let you past the front desk without locking up your phone and/or camera. It’s a policy worth considering.

Etiquetteer commends how you handled the first situation. It is so tempting to respond with a Snappy Comeback, e.g. “Is that for your OnlyFans?” or “Are you sure your wife doesn’t know we’re here?” But that is not Perfectly Proper, and it really will not do anything to help the situation.

As to the loud music of the shaver, you could have asked if he’d forgotten his earbuds and offered to get him a pair (if you had extras). But it might have taken more time and effort than simply shaving, dressing and leaving as you did. Certainly you should mention both experiences to the management so they are aware of What’s Really Going On in There.

Etiquetteer wishes you quiet and respectful camaraderie in the future.

*Or not, depending on the custom of the house. At Lewes House, the Sussex home of American antiquarian Edward Perry Warren, “. . . the bathroom was a truly communal spot. The bath was large enough to hold two men at a pinch, and when people returned from riding, games or exercise, the room would be full.” From Edward Perry Warren: The Biography of a Connoisseur, page 144.) It’s worth noting that there probably wasn’t a telephone in there, and people weren’t bringing their cameras in either.

Brunch Etiquette, Vol. 23, Issue 27

April is National Brunch Month. Etiquetteer will confess to loving a good and Perfectly Proper brunch! The same rules apply to brunch as to any other meal, e.g. be on time, sit up straight, pass the salt and pepper together. But because brunch is designed to be more relaxed than lunch or dinner, it’s helpful to emphasize a few guidelines.

Keep things simple. Brunch combines the simplest elements of breakfast and lunch, so don’t complicate the meal with a complicated order. No, this doesn’t mean suppressing information about allergies, but it does mean actually reading the menu before ordering and not asking for a lot of substitutions. This piece from Bon Appetit, “Thou Shalt Not Be an Egg Diva,” goes into greater detail from the server’s point of view. Etiquetteer also sees the flip side of the guidance for restaurateurs: sure, be creative, but serve what customers want.

Plan to be your best self. Just because brunch is partly breakfast, don’t show up hangry or half-asleep. Pre-caffeinate at home and nibble on a little something so you won’t be desperately calling for the server to bring you coffee right now. (Because brunch combines breakfast and lunch, Etiquetteer generally prefers a brunch to begin between 11 AM and noon. But in fact a brunch may begin far later and still be called brunch with Perfect Propriety.)

Look respectable. That Just Rolled Out of Bed Look may work for the college crowd, but there are limits. Standard grooming and dressing applies. Even if you’re going to a pajama brunch, your pajamas shouldn’t look as though they’ve been slept in.

A bottomless mimosa isn’t a dare. Know your limits!

Be prepared. You’ve heard Etiquetteer say this before, and it’s still true. If you’re going to be fussy about your sweetener, bring your own. Dear Father (may he rest in peace) just could not manage unless it was Sweet ‘n’ Low, and Etiquetteer learned always to pack a small sheaf of packets when eating out. For you it might be agave nectar or something else. Don’t run the restaurant staff ragged, just BYO.

Etiquetteer wishes you a smooth and convivial and Perfectly Proper brunch.

Six Tips for Afternoon Tea at Home, Vol. 23, Issue 26

April is National Afternoon Tea Month — but really shouldn’t we be celebrating this constantly? The occasion of afternoon tea needn’t be confined to hotel dining rooms; indeed, it can feel more relaxed at home. Etiquetteer has a few points worth stating, or restating, for your tea at home:

• Use the good stuff! We don’t have things just to have them, but to use them. If you are fortunate enough to have a silver teapot or real honest-to-goodness china cups and saucers, for Heaven’s sake, get ‘em out! Like that French skin care company says, “You’re worth it.”

• That includes napkins. A napkin is just as essential to afternoon tea as the teapot. Don’t preserve those pretty embroidered bits of linen. If you’re worried about soiling them, well . . . a) don’t serve anything that stains, like jam, and b) run to the laundry room as soon as your guests have gone. You know those signs outside Orthodox churches that read “Women with lipstick please do not venerate icons?” No, you may not reproduce it to protect your napkins from lipstick; that’s too inhospitable.

• Don’t forget the strainer. Everyone has their own method for brewing loose leaf tea, either letting it swim about freely in the pot or confining it in a tea ball. That’s entirely between you and your teapot; Etiquetteer is not here to judge you.* But errant tea leaves may appear regardless, and using a strainer will keep you and your guests from enduring too much roughage in the cup. (That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much forgot the strainer recently when entertaining a fastidious friend, with unfortunate results. How humiliating. Etiquetteer has labored with That Mr. Dimmick so hard, and it seems to make no difference.)

• The slops bowl is there for mistakes. When you do forget the strainer, the slops bowl is there so you can pour it out and start over without having to go to the kitchen. A Perfectly Proper slops bowl does not have to match the rest of your tea service (though it may), nor does it have to look utilitarian. Find something beautiful.

• Simplicity is key. Afternoon tea at home does not have to include a dazzling array of sandwiches and cookies and whatnot (though it’s often delightful). One good pound cake, or a plate of bread and butter or cookies, ought to be good enough for anybody.

• Silence, too, is key. Don’t let your spoon be heard against the sides of your teacup. All we want to hear is what you have to say. Afternoon tea is really just an elegant excuse for conversation and confidences. Don’t drown them out. Just let your teaspoon glide back and forth, not quite touching the cup.

Etiquetteer wishes you a beautiful and Perfectly Proper tea with all the best conversation and confidences.

*At least not about that. 😉

Marathon Manners, Vol. 23, Issue 25

The 128th Boston Marathon takes place tomorrow, bringing together Runners and Those Who Love Them from all over the world for 26.2 exhausting miles of excitement. The Boston Athletic Association has published a page of spectator information with appropriate guidelines for how to behave. There’s also a prohibited items list of things you should not bring. Let’s dive in briefly.

Many of these rules could be boiled down to “Don’t obstruct or endanger the runners with your thoughtless frivolity.” Many spectators go to the marathon to cheer individual runners: friends, family, colleagues, you name it. The BAA wisely prohibits “. . . throwing any items onto the course . . [including but] not limited to - confetti, streamers, bubbles and bottles.” Of course when you see Your Runner, you want to be sure they know you’re there. The most Perfectly Proper thing to do is follow the late Pee Wee Herman’s advice: scream real loud! Signage, Etiquetteer imagines, is a sore subject since that poor woman took down the Tour de France a few years ago. (See video above.) Use with caution, if at all, and don’t block anyone else’s view.

Some problems could be eliminated by simply not getting drunk along the course. Etiquetteer’s first year as a marathon spectator* was made memorable by a woman who had clearly overimbibed. Seeing other spectators handing runners sections of orange to suck on (hydration), she thought to be as helpful by trying to hand them a full bag of oranges. That’s like trying to hand a coconut to a swallow**. Thankfully no one stumbled as they swerved out of her area.

One thing the BAA doesn’t mention is pets. Etiquetteer would respectfully encourage you to leave them at home. This dog chasing cyclists in a Belgian bicycle race is all the example you need. Terrifying.

And here’s another from the Tour de France. Etiquetteer feels sorry both for the cyclist and the poor doggy.

Props and costumes are prohibited for spectators, “including those covering the face or any non-form-fitting, bulky outfits extending beyond the perimeter of the body.” It may feel like Mardi Gras, people, but it’s not. This is one time Etiquetteer is forced to agree with Edna Mode: “No capes!” Keep it both form-fitting and celebratory by wearing Your Runner’s colors. (Make sure they choose colors at least a month in advance so you can find something appropriate.)

Lastly, “Spectators are asked to respect their surroundings as well as the residents, and their properties, along the course” means you should start looking for the port-a-potty five minutes before you have to find the port-a-potty.

Etiquetteer wishes you a safe, enjoyable, and Perfectly Proper marathon!

*It might also have been the last.

**An African swallow or a European swallow?

Hats on Shipboard, Vol. 23, Issue 24

Dear Etiquetteer:

Because conferences always seem to take place at “destinations,” I am going to have to be at a business conference aboard a Southern cruise ship this spring. I realise that Straw Hat Day isn’t until Wednesday, May 15, but considering that all regions are warming more quickly than hitherto, might I have your blessing to wear my straw Panama in place of my beloved grey fedora?

Dear Hatted:

Your comment about cruise ships and “destinations” reminded Etiquetteer of Bea Lillie’s famous question on boarding the Normandie: “When does this place get to New York?”

Cruise ships always suggest vacation clothes, especially in warmer seas, and a felt hat would be quite out of place. (Straw Hat Day is really an urban observance of the change of seasons. You may read Etiquetteer’s history of it in Volume 14.) By all means bring your panama hat, especially for shore excursions.

But on shipboard, you don’t want to have to wear your hand on top of your head all voyage, to keep your hat from blowing off. Indeed, that’s Millicent Fenwick’s principal criterion in her Vogue’s Book of Etiquette (1948): “Hats — if one wants one — that will not blow off*.” She recommends what is basically a yachting cap, “stitched white cotton or linen with a narrow brim . . . or a sword fisherman’s cap, with a long visor**.” Somewhat paradoxically, she also says “Any imitations of the classic yachting coat and cap should be avoided.***” She seems mostly to be concerned about men trying falsely to pass themselves off as yacht club members, but really . . .

Etiquetteer would suggest a jaunty snap brim or “newsboy” cap in white, natural, or dark blue linen for shipboard wear. There would be no suggestion of False Yachtiness, and much less chance it would blow off your head. But you may also go without a hat on board with no breach of Perfect Propriety.

Etiquetteer wishes you a safe and pleasant voyage!

*Page 623.

**Ibid.

***Page 624.

Drinks Manners, Vol. 23, Issue 23

Not long ago another etiquette writer asked Etiquetteer what Etiquetteer would do in a situation posed in an Instagram reel. A party of six or more (presumably friends) has been seated at a gastropub or a restaurant of similar style. When the server begins taking drink orders, the first person orders a beer. The person sitting next to her considers this rude, because some people in the party (translation: the person complaining) are newly sober. The complainant believes it would be more polite for those who want to order anything alcoholic to check with the table first to see if it’s all right.

The creator of the reel suggested that was not OK. “The world does not revolve around” those who are newly sober. They are responsible for their own behavior, not policing everyone else’s to conform with their preferences. Etiquetteer feels compelled to agree, but also to specify that separate checks are most helpful on these occasions. No one who abstains, whether by preference or necessity, should feel they are subsidizing the bar bill*.

What would you do? Why not drop a line to Etiquetteer, or comment on social media?

Etiquetteer’s recent advice on how to duck long-winded museum guides yielded an opposing viewpoint from at least a couple readers who felt it was “a shame” to miss an educational opportunity. As the French say, chacun à son goût. Education is not the sole purpose for visiting a museum, far from it. The simple experiences of pleasure, rest and meditation, among others, also have their place, and should be respected, too. And there is also greater realization that everyone does not learn in the same way; they may just want a few hors d’oeuvres and not a full meal. For those who delight in a Deep Dive with a Resident Expert, Etiquetteer wishes you joy and erudition. And for those who prefer to browse a museum without guidance, Etiquetteer wishes you unmolested enjoyment of the galleries.

*It’s wonderful that restaurants accommodate separate checks now, even for large parties, but it is appalling bordering on the unfair to servers, especially if it’s a party of over ten people — and then to hear diners complaining about the tip already being added. Not long ago Etiquetteer witnessed one beleaguered waiter handle separate checks for a party of 22 (!) and simultaneously take care of other tables. Please, diners, be kind to the staff!

Museum Manners, Vol. 23, Issue 22

Dear Etiquetteer:

May I ask for your guidance regarding visiting museum galleries? My husband and I recently visited a local museum, our first visit to this venue. We have been to many museums over the years but have never encountered this situation. As we walked through the galleries, viewing the artwork and displays, a curator or gallery guide would walk up to us and spend a very long time discussing the artwork. We politely listened and attempted to move on but the guides continued to appear and talk for much longer than we wished to listen. We continued to listen politely. We hope to visit this museum again but hope to be prepared with a polite way to ask the guides to allow us a quiet and uninterrupted visit. We look forward to your suggestions.

Dear Besieged:

Your query reminded Etiquetteer of traveling in England earlier this century, and popping into a village church with a friend before lunch. Three elderly docents or volunteers were also present and — how to say this? — it was clear they hadn’t had much traffic lately. Their eagerness to communicate all the stories of the church and its individual features and works of art was, um, intimidating rather than infectious. They did almost everything but try to get in the car with us as we left.

Fans of the film version of E.M. Forster’s A Room With a View will also remember an exasperated Lucy Honeychurch trying to shake off a persistent Italian tour guide, finally stalking away telling him “So tutto!” (“I already know it all!”) But there is a better way.

Museums of all sizes have unique ways to guide visitors through their collections. These can be based on what’s on view, the opinions of the founders, leading-edge or experimental ideas from curators, or just on someone important bein’ a plain old bossyboots. Some are wonderful, some are ahem intrusive.

It may be that the guides who lectured you are performing as instructed by leadership. And that means that, if you don’t want what they’re offering, you should be polite when declining. Try responding with something like “We would love to approach you with questions after we’ve had a chance to view/contemplate/absorb/[Word of Your Choice Here] on our own. That’s the kind of museum experience we like best. Thank you for letting us enjoy your wonderful exhibitions in our own way at our own pace.”

If they say anything more than “Of course, happy to help,” you need only interrupt with a kind but firm “Thank you, we’ll come and find you when we have questions” and then proceed elsewhere within the gallery. You may also need to perfect your Icy Look to freeze any further advances. And if, as so often happens now, you get a follow-up “Thank you for your visit” email with a survey, be kind but candid in your evaluation, e.g. “The guides were so eager to share all the information that they had that we spent more time with them than the art.”

Etiquetteer wishes you blissfully undisturbed enjoyment of the museums you visit.

People standing in the way is another pet peeve. This is what happened to Etiquetteer at the Musée de l’Orangerie in 2008.

Etiquetteer asked Instagram readers what bothered them most at museums, and the clear frontrunner was “large crowds*.” Sartre was right: Hell is other people, even when they share cultural interests. This is especially vexing at timed-entry exhibitions. Etiquetteer can only advise going at off-peak hours when possible. “Loud talking” came up quite a bit, too, so a) use your Inside Voice, please, but b) it’s not church.

*One merely said “People.” Etiquetteer rather suspects than an online experience might be more appropriate in this case.

Ten Tips for Cocktail Parties, Vol. 23, Issue 21

It’s National Cocktail Day, and Etiquetteer has ten tips to help you negotiate that Prohibition-born form of American entertainment, the cocktail party.

1. It’s hostly to offer drinks as soon as guests are out of their coats, and it’s guestly (to coin a word) not to take all night deciding what to have. By all means ask what’s in it if you’ve been offered something unfamiliar — you do have a Right to Know What You’re Drinking — but this is not the time for an extended discussion of ingredients, methods, etc. The host(s) need to fix drinks for all the guests, not just you.

2. Cocktails are properly made individually and not in batches*, so hosts should consider their abilities to perform under pressure. It may be that serving punch, wine and beer, or drinks with only two ingredients is the best way to keep the party going smoothly.

3. Hors d’oeuvres are snacks, not dinner — at least as a rule; don’t be greedy. “Heavy hors d’oeuvres” has become a popular reassurance that we won’t starve, but we have all been to those parties where guests wait near the kitchen door to ambush the waiters. It’s not a good look.

4. Etiquetteer loves an hors d’oeuvre that comes without leftovers — bones, shells, toothpicks, spoons, what have you — but lamb lollipops, shrimp cocktail, and scallops or water chestnuts wrapped in bacon remain mouthwateringly popular. Use a cocktail plate to dispose of the detritus, or wrap up the smaller bits in a napkin to hide in your pockets.

5. Like most parties, cocktail parties are designed to get people to talk to each other. That means you should come prepared actually to talk to people. Skim the news and know what’s going on. If you’re conversationally averse, a question about travel will generally get people going.

6. Cocktail conversations, particularly at large parties, are light as bubbles — which means they can end abruptly. Don’t take it personally when someone needs to Circulate elsewhere. Conversely, it’s a real talent to break away with an air of Infinite Regret, but it’s worth cultivating.

7. It’s OK to say “No thank you.” Declining a drink doesn’t make you a bad guest.

8. It’s not OK to say “One more won’t hurt you!” or something similar. “No means No,” as the children say nowadays. Many of us forget that excessive consumption is not the goal of a cocktail party — spirited conversation is. Channel your solicitude from pushing the booze into more generally comfy vibes that encourage talk.

9. Know your limits. Dorothy Parker had a point when she famously said “One more drink and I’ll be under the host.” Listen to your body and detect when you’re about to go off the rails. Then stop drinking ten minutes before that. You see?

10. Remember dahlings, it’s endurance, not speed that counts. Let’s not forget Agnes Gooch and the Pink Whiskers . . .

Etiquetteer wishes you many stimulating and Perfectly Proper gatherings!

Jack Webb (at right) knew his limits and served punch to William Holden in Sunset Boulevard.

*That said, earlier this winter Etiquetteer spent most of one gathering making aviations by the pitcher, so thirsty and enthusiastic were the guests. This was an expedient rather than a polished approach, and it underlines that a one-person operation really does need to judge carefully what can and can’t be accomplished well when in the thick of a party.

Life Lessons from Auntie Mame, Vol. 23, Issue 20

Today Etiquetteer cedes the floor to That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much to talk about an unlikely early influence on his Perfect Propriety, “America’s Favorite Relative,” the dazzling Auntie Mame.

Children’s literature is full of eccentric characters who present as out of the ordinary, who lead children on exciting adventures during which they learn Valuable Lessons to bring back to their drab daily lives. Think of Mary Poppins, the Cat in the Hat, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle or Beezus and Ramona’s Aunt Beatrice. My guide turned out to be Miss Mame Dennis, the dazzling relative who inherits a ten-year-old nephew after the death of her brother. “For both of us it was love,” Patrick Dennis wrote, “and the experience was unique.”

Auntie Mame burst into my life when I was 11 and Mame, the movie musical starring Lucille Ball, aired on TV*. That led me to discover a previously unnoticed book on our well-stocked bookshelves: Auntie Mame: An Irreverent Escapade, the original 1955 novel published just in time for my mother’s cousin Jeannette to give it to her as a frivolous wedding gift. I still have it, and also the tiny gift card inside. “To Josie, We’d love to hear you chuckle over this. Will your new husband like such fluff? Jenny.” (The answer to that question was, of course, No, he did not.)

Even so, Auntie Mame quickly became an obsession with her colorful wardrobe, her sparkling conversation, and her courage to speak out against prejudice and Do the Right Thing. As a role model, she offered a lot to emulate; but with a closer reading later in life, some bad habits to avoid, too.

First, Mame placed a value on education and acquiring broad knowledge, not just for Patrick, but for herself. She cultivated people with expertise and wide-ranging ideas, and she read extensively on all sorts of subjects, and in at least one other language. At the end of the book we learn she’s been involved in educational reform in India. Mame never ceased her quest for “the Brave, the Experimental, the Exciting, the New, the Modern.”

This leads, however, to her Achilles heel: her too-casual relationship with the truth. Her problems (and Patrick’s) begin when she brazenly deceives Mr. Babcock about Patrick’s schooling. She’d have gotten better results if she’d sent Patrick to Buckley as discussed and then tutored him with experts of her own choosing. Bragging about her mythical equestrian prowess also got her in humiliating, life-threatening hot water with Sally Cato MacDougall, her husband Beau’s vengeful old flame.

As the children say nowadays, though, Mame fakes it ’til she makes it. By a miracle and a sidesaddle Mame survives her hunting trial, vanquishing wicked Sally Cato. When wiped out by the Wall Street Crash, Mame persists in careers — publishing, interior design, modern art gallerist, vendeuse, fashion model, speakeasy hostess, personal shopper, door-to-door saleswoman, secretary, playwright, switchboard operator, realtor, and actress — until she found something that (almost) worked, roller skate retail. Whatever anyone says, Mame has endurance.

Mame did not let prejudice or stigma get in the way of loving and learning from people. At a time when unwed mothers were sent firmly to the Wrong Side of the Tracks, look how she welcomed Agnes Gooch like a mother hen after “grade Z poet Brian O’Bannion” robbed her of her virtue. Let’s not forget her entertaining “a distinguished Lithuanian rabbi and two chorus girls from the cast of Blackbirds” the day Mr. Babcock found out about Patrick’s school, too. And especially the way she took down the Upsons over their narrow-minded attitudes. Auntie Mame enjoyed a wide circle of acquaintance, but bigots had no place in it.

Finally, Auntie Mame was known for her parties, and having a reputation as a good hostess is a mighty find reputation to have. “We circulated among Auntie Mame’s old friends from her New York days and her new ones from her Bombay nights,” Patrick said of the party that ends the novel. “It was a party in the Grand Manner, recalling Auntie Mame’s crushes of the late twenties. Everybody you ever heard of was there, and I must admit that, compared to the standardized cocktail gatherings and dinners in Verdant Greens, it was brilliant.” Here’s where we see the value of cultivating and maintaining an expansive community of friends.

The famous 1958 film** took as its theme the kaleidoscope, which both sparkles and reflects, but is necessarily unstable. I would probably choose an opal to represent Auntie Mame: brittle and fragile, yes — but just as bright and fascinating, and more enduring. She remains a role model for me all these years later — for good or ill — and I encourage you to make her acquaintance if you haven’t yet.

*Lucy was famously and justly panned for her performance, but see it for Bea Arthur as Vera Charles (“Someone’s been sleeping in my dress”) and Kirby Furlong as Young Patrick Dennis.

** Rosalind Russell’s performance as Mame remains the definitive.

Jewels, Vol. 23, Issue 19

For National Jewel Day, a few words about how to wear your jewels with Perfect Propriety.

• You are a unique individual, not a Jewelry Display System. Jewelry serves you well when it brings focus to you, not to itself. Choose with discretion. The old advice to put on everything you think is right and take one piece off remains good advice. (Joan Crawford demonstrates this in Possessed of 1931. The mistress of a powerful politician [Clark Gable], she briefly retreats to her bedroom to subtract a couple jewels before the arrival of one of Gable’s friends with his wife.)

• Not that people wear gloves much these days, but jewelry is never worn over gloves, especially rings. Opera star Lucrezia Bori said “. . . in a taxicab it is wise to cover the rings and bracelets, whether they are real or not,” probably to dissuade thieves.* Bridal websites suggest that brides concerned about their engagement rings turn the ring upside-down before putting on gloves.** If you have rings with exceptionally large stones, a) well, good for you, b) try turning them upside-down, c) keep them in your purse to put on when you remove your gloves, or d) just don’t wear them with gloves. Emily Post, however, would not have approved of that. When she wrote “ . . . she much prefers wearing rings to gloves” in 1922, under the heading “Vulgar Clothes,” it wasn’t because she thought it was a good idea.

• The rules about appropriate jewelry for men are less rigid than they used to be. Opals, for instance, were once considered too fragile and feminine for a man, but are now often seen. And more than a few dandies have begun adding brooches to their lapels.

• That said, although diamonds are more often seen on men, Etiquetteer still sides with the late Walter Hoving against them. (One can only imagine how he would have reacted to see Tiffany & Co. advertising diamond engagement rings for men.)

• Just in case you have a private audience with the Pope, anything beyond wedding and engagement rings and jewelry actually fastening your clothes is Not Perfectly Proper.

All that said, Etiquetteer wishes you discreetly exuberant enjoyment of your jewels!

Joan Crawford in Possessed (1931).

*The New American Etiquette, by Lila Haxworth Wallace (1941), page 111.

**One such article is here.

The Prince and the Yarmulke, Vol. 23, Issue 18

Dear Etiquetteer:

I just saw a photo of the Prince of Wales wearing a yarmulke to an official visit someplace. Obviously he’s not Jewish, so how can this be appropriate? Don’t you have to be Jewish to do that?

Dear Inquiring:

It’s not just appropriate for the Prince of Wales to wear that yarmulke, it’s mandatory. In a synagogue it is not just Perfectly Proper, but required* for every man to wear religious headgear, whether Jewish or not. This would be a small skullcap called a yarmulke or kippah. Synagogues should have them available, though Etiquetteer expects the Prince of Wales to have brought his own. The Prince acted appropriately and respectfully by honoring this requirement.

Etiquetteer has had to honor it in the past, too. Touring the synagogues of the Venice Ghetto several years ago, all the men on the tour were required to wear a yarmulke. The value of a hairpin or two to anchor them in place cannot be overemphasized, especially for those with exuberantly full heads of hair like Etiquetteer. (If you know you’re going someplace where you’ll have to wear a yarmulke, bring a couple hairpins with you in case the synagogue doesn’t have them.)

But longer ago than that, at the start of Etiquetteer’s career, it was necessary to attend the memorial service of a colleague’s mother in a Jewish funeral home. Etiquetteer, identifiably goyim, was sitting near the front with other colleagues, wearing the yarmulke provided; thankfully it was on the larger side and not in danger of sliding off at every turn of the head. A pair of late-arriving colleagues — how to say this? — made their presence felt from the back of the room during the service. Back at the office, one of them said “We turned to each other and whispered ‘Is that Etiquetteer wearing a yarmulke?’ and completely got the giggles.” Turns out they were also stoned to the gills, so maybe don’t toke yourself silly before a memorial service either.

Thank you for sharing your curiosity about this practice with Etiquetteer.

*. . . is required in all Orthodox, Conservative and Reconstructionist congregations and in some Reform congregations.” -- from How to Be a Perfect Stranger: A Guide to Etiquette in Other People’s Religious Ceremonies, edited by Arthur J. Magida (1996), page 215.

Floral Centerpieces and Decorations, Vol. 23, Issue 17

It’s National Floral Design Day, which seems like a Perfectly Proper opportunity to discuss how we arrange and display flowers on our tables and in our homes. “Low centerpieces!” hostesses and event planners carp at us. “Low centerpieces! We want to be able to see people across the table.” Well . . . obviously. So why the emphasis? Because back in the day, before living memory, it was a vogue to have high centerpieces that blocked the view.

Etiquetteer is not just talking about that exuberant Victorian hideousness the epergne, but walls of flowers up and down a table. Etiquetteer’s beloved Ellen Maury Slayden dined at the Mexican embassy in Washington back in 1898 and recorded “The dinner was fairly good and well served, but flowers and candles were so thick down the center of the table that the people opposite you seemed in ambush.”* That might be a very luxurious impression to make, but it had a restrictive impact.

An 1889 White House dinner. Notice the elevated barricade of flowers at center.

Achieving good floral design might be the creative tension between Mae West and Ludwig Mies van der Rohe — “Too much of a good thing is wonderful” vs. “Less is more.”

A Perfectly Proper centerpiece does not dominate a table, but enhances it. This means not only considering how tall it is, but also how its colors harmonize with everything else on the table, and with the room itself. And the scent! Nothing could be more charming than a row of hyacinths in pots down a table, but their otherwise delightful aroma could slay an entire buffet of garlic. Nor will Etiquetteer forget being seated at a restaurant by a sideboard sporting the sinister beauty of rubrum lilies, so overpowering Etiquetteer’s hosts had to ask that they be removed.

Outside the dining room, let us consider the subtle aesthetic of the Countess Olenska in Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence. Newland Archer, fascinated by her drawing room, noted “the fact that only two Jacqueminot roses (of which nobody ever bought less than a dozen) had been placed in the slender vase at his elbow.” And Mr. van der Luyden observed “She has a real gift for arranging flowers. I had sent her a few carnations from Skuytercliff, and I was astonished. Instead of massing them in big bunches as our head-gardener does, she had scattered them about loosely, here and there ... I can’t say how.”

Etiquetteer wishes you low, beautiful and unobtrusive flowers on your table, and sparkling conversation over them.

*Washington Wife, by Ellen Maury Slayden, page 13.

Which RSVP?, Vol. 23, Issue 16

Etiquetteer has been going through sheaves of late 19th-century wedding invitations recently, interesting for two reasons. They have all been engraved in exactly the same style on exactly the same paper, representing the best possible taste of the period; the only rare variations have been the font used for the engraving or the addition of some sort of embossed crest or armorial device*.

The second reason is the instructions on how to respond. The reply language has varied far more than Etiquetteer ever understood was permissible. We all know that the French phrase Répondez s’il vous plaît, which translates to “Please respond,” is abbreviated to its initials. But they have been given in more than one way over the last 150 years: R.s.v.p., R.S.V.P., RSVP, and even r.s.v.p. How on earth can we look down on people for being incorrect if we don’t know what actually is correct?**

Etiquetteer was surprised to see R.s.v.p. and R.S.V.P. running neck and neck in this old archive of invitations. Was anything else used more? Yes: no instruction at all! That’s because back in the day most people understood that a wedding invitation required an immediate handwritten response; the necessity for reminders and begging hadn’t yet started. But change was coming. “It should not be necessary to have to ask for a reply,” wrote Lila Haxworth Wallace in The New American Etiquette***, “but in these changing and rather careless times it has become quite essential in many cases.”

In this century, the Emily Post Institute has declared that all four versions of the abbreviation are correct: R.s.v.p., R.S.V.P., RSVP, and even r.s.v.p. Etiquetteer promises not to look down on anyone who uses the last three, but agrees with Emily Post Herself, who wrote “Capitals R.S.V.P. are permissible; but fastidious people prefer ‘R.s.v.p.’”****

This can also be neatly avoided by using any of the following phrases instead:

• The favour of a reply is requested.

• The favour of an answer is requested.

• Kindly respond to [Insert Address Here].

• Please respond.

When younger and more temperamental, Etiquetteer once added “The extremely basic courtesy of a response is requested,” which is Not Perfectly Proper to begin with, and didn’t get people to respond anyway. Dear Mother was right when she said “When you lose your temper, you lose your point.”

Etiquetteer wishes you many fastidious and enjoyable invitations and prompt Perfectly Proper responses.

*But not a monogram. Never a monogram.

**Now you know that a lot of people think this is really what etiquette is all about, and it may very well have been long ago. If that’s what you’re secretly doing in the black depths of your heart, stop it at once. The world of etiquette is kinder and more inclusive now.

*** 1941, page 366.

****Etiquette, by Emily Post, 1922, page 111.

Baby Showers, Vol. 23, Issue 15

Dear Etiquetteer:

Let me begin by saying I do my best to be perfectly proper, but on occasion fall short! This may end up as one of those times.

My 33-year-old daughter and her husband are expecting their first child in July. Like so many of her generation, her friends are scattered about the country and she no longer lives where she grew up (neither do her friends). We have no relatives except her grandmother (almost 90) and me. No sisters, cousins, etc. that would normally be the ones to host a baby shower for her. They moved to a new state about eight months ago so she does not have a friend group in her current community either. A dear friend in our town threw her a fabulous wedding shower some years ago — a lovely tea — it was really special.

But I don’t think my friends should feel like they need to throw my daughter another party. I know it is not customary for me to have a shower; especially as I don’t want folks to think of it as a present grab. So as I noodle over this I’ve had a couple of ideas and I am curious as to your reaction to them. One is that I would ask her best friend from college (my daughter officiated and was Maid of Honor at this lovely gal’s wedding to her wife several years ago) if she would come to our town and host, at a neutral location, and I would pick up the cost. The friend could handle invites and RSVP’s and certainly tell me what she’d like to have happen and I will just be the gofer and sponsor of the event behind the curtain. Or I could just break ranks and throw her a shower and have the wrath of Emily Post, Judith Martin and you burn down my house!

I would be grateful for your opinion or ideas of any other ways I could handle this so my friends, and her closest circle who are known to travel to such things for one another, could shower her with love and necessities. I’m at that stage in life when everyone I know has become a grandparent in the past couple of years and it has really been a joy to celebrate all the young women my daughter grew up with whose moms are some of my dearest friends. Selfishly I just want to share our family’s happy event as well. Any thoughts you might have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Dear Grandmother-to-Be:

Your query immediately brought Dear Mother to mind, may she rest in peace. She participated cheerfully for years in bridal and baby showers for a regiment of nieces and cousins and the daughters of friends. At long last, when Dear Sister married, Mother’s sisters-in-law arranged the rehearsal dinner (which Etiquetteer attended) and possibly the bridal shower (which Etiquetteer did not). “Finally,” one of the aunts told her, “we get to do for you!”

So of course you are eager to share this first Blessed Event in your family with those in your circle; Etiquetteer understands completely.

And you will also be relieved to know that modern etiquette experts, starting with the Emily Post Institute*, have moved on from the traditional prohibition against family members hosting baby and bridal showers. Yes, that prohibition was put in place to keep people from seeing it a Gift Grab (and some people will anyway, whoever is hosting). But just as you point out, sometimes there really is no one else available or willing to host. In your daughter’s case she has moved to a distant community, her friends are scattered all over the country, and you and your mother are her only relations. The target is squarely on you. Etiquetteer knows you will feel relieved at being able to host your daughter’s baby shower openly without fear of stigma.

The purpose of a shower is properly focused on gifts. It’s useless to pretend otherwise. And Etiquetteer was about to say that, even so, it is never Perfectly Proper to include registry information on the invitation, because that does make it look like a Gift Grab. But modern etiquette experts have moved beyond even that. Because showers are specifically about gift giving, you may include registry information**. But let Etiquetteer be clear. There are two kinds of showers: wedding and baby. There is no such thing as a birthday shower.

But you know — Etiquetteer loves your idea to ask your daughter’s friend about hosting, or co-hosting, the shower with you. Seeing her name (with or without yours) on the invitation will add another point of connection for your daughter’s friends, making the baby shower as valuable as a reunion of distant friends as to celebrate your daughter’s Blessed Event. But if she needs to decline that role, you may host openly without fear.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your daughter a beautiful baby shower, and a Safe and Happy Blessed Event.

*You really must check out Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Centennial Edition, quite possibly the kindest and most loving book of etiquette ever written.

**And Etiquetteer certainly hopes someone will give Pat the Bunny, still the best First Book for any child.

A President Marries at Home, Vol. 23, Issue 14

Before the rise of the Wedding Industrial Complex, home weddings were more popular than they are today, for both wedding and reception or just the latter.* Logistics for such a function are challenging at best, simply because of the number of wedding guests required or desired overwhelm an ordinary house. And when a sitting President of the United States is the bridegroom, everything takes on added significance.

Which brings us to Woodrow Wilson, the third President to marry in office**, and his December 18, 1915 wedding to that fascinating and attractive (but not universally liked) widow, Edith Bolling Galt. “No information about the plans for the wedding are available as yet,” reported The New York Times when the wedding was announced October 6, “but it is generally assumed that Mrs. Galt will prefer a wedding in her own home to one in the White House.” And the next day came the reason: “. . . it has been disclosed that the President and Mrs. Galt have agreed that it shall not take place in the White House because of the formality which would be necessary there.”

Even so, the arrangements were left to the White House Chief Usher, Ike Hoover, who was not pleased. “It made the arrangements doubly hard. At the White House, where facilities are ample, it would have been a different matter. But the President wanted simplicity.”*** Of course then it was much more traditional for a bride to be married from her own home than anyplace else, too.

What that meant for any home wedding, especially this one, was removing all the furniture from the rooms involved (yes, that meant everyone would have to stand throughout), installing a floral backdrop for the marriage ceremony, and some sort of arrangement for refreshments. The bride’s home “was small and inadequate for such a use as the wedding,” Hoover wrote, “but I set about the arrangements vigorously . . .” in the two rooms where everything would happen, wedding and supper reception.

There’s nothing like a good bay window, and the bride’s was transformed into a semicircular bower of maidenhair ferns studded here and there with her favorite purple orchids, and with a canopy of “Scotch heather, symbolic of the origin of the President’s forebears.” Two pyramids of roses and a prie-dieu covered in white satin completed the arrangement. Uniquely, the florist installed a small mirror in this backdrop so the Happy Couple could glimpse their friends while the service was taking place. (The groom glimpsed, the bride did not, “so impressed with the occasion that she saw little of what was going on.”) At the extreme opposite end of the two rooms a large portable table was installed for the catered buffet.

“Fifteen or twenty would have been a crowd,” Hoover observed, but President Wilson had told him 40 guests. Unfortunately the combined families took up almost all that space, and they still had to consider Cabinet members and their wives as well as personal friends. “. . . there were many keen disappointments” on the friend list, according to Hoover. It is ever thus. As it was they had to shoehorn over 50 people inside, so that there was no room for the musicians; they had to play from the upper floor!

At 8:30 PM, the minister took his position, and then the musicians struck up the wedding march from Lohengrin as the Happy Couple came down the stairs alone together; they had no attendants. After the service, when “a normal state of mind return[ed] to the assembly,” the President and First Lady received congratulations where they stood. Under the circumstances, Etiquetteer can’t imagine there would be room for a proper receiving line, just a general scrimmage.

After the bride cut the cake — “She did it well, for not only did she place the knife in the cake, but herself served several pieces to those near-by, including the President”**** — “all partook freely of the buffet supper and remained standing all the while.” And it was quite a simple, elegant supper:

Oyster Patties

Boned Capon — Virginia Ham — Rolls

Chicken Salad — Cheese Straws

Biscuits with Minced Ham

Pineapple Ice — Caramel Ice Cream — Cake

Fruit Punch — Coffee*****

Bon-Bons — Salted Almonds — Chocolates

Etiquetteer can’t help but feel for the caterer’s staff and the bride’s household servants who had to handle all this in such crowded conditions. Let’s hope they were tipped well!

Etiquetteer would really like to see the return to the intimacy of the home wedding — but also has a soft spot for all those disappointed friends who could not be invited because the house was too small.

*Etiquetteer sees fondly the eagle-eyed reader waiting eagerly to contribute that home weddings were generally only enjoyed by Protestant or non-denominational households and are not permitted to Catholics (and surely to other religions as well, for which Etiquetteer cannot cite chapter and verse at this moment). From foryourmarriage.org: “For Catholics, marriage is not just a social or family event, but a church event. For this reason, the Church prefers that marriages between Catholics, or between Catholics and other Christians, be celebrated in the parish church of one of the spouses. Only the local bishop can permit a marriage to be celebrated in another suitable place.”

**Everyone remembers bachelor President Grover Cleveland marrying his beautiful young ward Frances Folsom in the Blue Room, but they sometimes forget President John Tyler marrying beautiful young Julia Gardiner because they did not marry in the White House.

***Forty-Two Years in the White House, by Irwin Hood (Ike) Hoover, Chief Usher, 1934, page 68. All subsequent quotes are from this invaluable book.

****One hopes he was nearby!

*****Sorry, tea drinkers!

Wedding Invitations, Vol. 23, Issue 13

“Old-fashioned eyes? I hope you don’t mean mine, my dear? I like all the novelties.” — Mrs. Manson Mingott, The Age of Innocence, by Edith Wharton

Once it did not need to be said that the principal purpose of a wedding invitation was to convey information and not express the combined personality of two unique individuals. Or maybe Etiquetteer just feels stuffy today; those two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. But the former is really more important. Wedding guests are likely to figure out who the Happy Couple is a lot more easily than where and when the wedding is to be and, even more importantly, what to wear.

It would be foolish for Etiquetteer to reject out of hand all the innovations of printing and technology of the last half century and more. But it’s a lot simpler knowing that you absolutely must have your invitation “engraved on fine, pure white or cream-tinted paper, having a smooth surface without glaze,” that “entwined initials or armorial devices in colors, gilt-edged sheets, etc., are not in good taste,” and that “Plain script is still the preferred engraving for wedding cards, though now and then very heavy block lettering is used, with an agreeable effect, or the old English characters.”* Whew, fewer decisions to make!

That said, Etiquetteer has been examining an archive of just such invitations from the late 19th century, and they are so identical as to numb the mind. Can we wonder, then, that what is considered Good Taste has evolved to incorporate use of “entwined initials or armorial devices in colors,” or newer forms of printing, or simpler forms of language?

The two most essential elements of any wedding invitation are Simplicity and Completeness. The recipient should not have to struggle to identify the Happy Couple (first and last names, please!), where they should be (addresses for both the ceremony and reception), and what they should wear (no novelty dress codes). After that, Etiquetteer really has to give Antoine de Saint-Exupery the last word: “A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.”

*From Encyclopedia of Etiquette, by Emily Holt, 1912.

Wedding Irritants, Vol. 23, Issue 12

Over the last week it has been quite engaging to read on social media what irritates Etiquetteer’s readers about weddings. There’s quite a lot of stuff we could do without! Such as:

THE WEDDING

• Unclear dress codes. Etiquetteer has written about this before. People really do want guidance without guesswork.

• Guests not dressing appropriately for the occasion. Etiquetteer remembers hearing many years ago about, um, rural communities where wedding guests would bring their comfortable clothes to change into for the reception. The other end of the spectrum is anything that upstages the bride, such as a “champagne” or “cream” dress that is really white.

• “The zeal for uniqueness! Have a decent ceremony in your parish and a nice luncheon after.” Etiquetteer has noticed this most with the design of printed wedding invitations. Now they are all Expressions of the Happy Couple’s Combined Individualities; before they were merely Invitations to an Important Event and what was individual about them was the information on them. It’s not wrong, but sometimes it feels labored, and the information is not conveyed clearly.

• “Themed weddings. You don’t need a theme. “The ‘theme’ is the wedding!” Sometimes an added motif contributes to the joy of the day. Etiquetteer attended a wedding where the cake topper was a pair of bride and groom fishes and each guest received a fish magnet as a souvenir (and they may have had a fish on the invitation). But it shouldn’t detract from the focus of the gathering, which is the marriage of two people. Excessive manifestation of a theme should be avoided.

• “Parents-in-law with crazy grandiose ideas inviting 150 vague acquaintances without telling the Happy Couple . . . ” Etiquetteer is aghast at the idea of this situation. Once upon a time it was clear and established that the family of the bride hosted the wedding (and reception) and the family of the groom hosted the rehearsal dinner the night before. Sometimes those guests lists could form a Venn diagram with only the narrowest sliver of guests in common. The other point is that a wedding may be celebrated more times than immediately after the ceremony! There is nothing at all wrong with either set of parents hosting a wedding celebration for their own guest list at some point before or after the wedding — possibly as a welcome home when returning from the honeymoon? Let’s be creative, people.

• Disruptive children. When the guest list necessarily includes several parents of young children, it is the greatest courtesy for the Happy Couple to provide a nursery for both the wedding and the reception. But if not, parents need to respect the wishes of the Happy Couple and either hire a baby sitter or decline to attend. This very issue is dividing the internet right now, as a bride whose wedding was always going to be No Children Under 12 now has a matron of honor whose new baby will be one month old on the wedding day. Read all about that here.

ECONOMICS

• Destination weddings, especially those that exclude loved ones who simply cannot afford to attend. This just breaks Etiquetteer’s heart, truly. The best background for any Happy Couple is not a tropical beach or a mountaintop, but a community of loving family and friends.

• “The expectation that the value of your gift should cover the cost of your being there.” Etiquetteer has said it before: an invitation is not an invoice. But the reverse is also true; guests should not expect to see the value of their gift and/or travel expenses repaid in the refreshments offered. (This could also be seen as a suggestion to invite fewer people who have to fly in if you’re not having a sit-down dinner.)

• The outrageous cost in general. There are so many reasons for this. Many people want to attribute this solely to the grandiosity of the Happy Couple (and/or their parents), and sometimes that is the case. But in this century, what the middle class thinks of as “nice” has become out of reach for much of the middle class. And let’s not neglect the Wedding Industrial Complex inflating both the costs and the quantity of “necessities.”

THE RECEPTION

• “Heavy apps are not dinner.” True, but perhaps it was not intended to be dinner in the first place? Etiquetteer rather likes the idea of rebranding “heavy apps” as high tea. Etiquetteer thinks one’s expectations would be better managed that way.

• Any “canned” experience, especially emcees. It is interesting how DJs have remade the reception experience into more of a nightclub show. This isn’t Las Vegas, people.

• Loud music. This got mentioned more than once!

• “Forcing guests to watch the awkward dances.” If you mean dances like the Hokey Pokey, the Electric Slide, or (God save us) the Chicken Dance, Etiquetteer absolutely agrees. It’s really time to bring back the conga line. You can never go wrong with a classic. But call Etiquetteer contradictory, we must keep the Village People’s “YMCA!” Except . . .

• “Having to listen to “Margaritaville” at an alcohol-free evangelical Christian wedding reception.” Actually, Etiquetteer finds this hilarious. But more people should consider the content and meaning of what’s on their playlist. Long ago some brides had to be told that “Jealousy” was a poor choice for a wedding dance, even if it was a lovely tango. And most people are at least dimly aware that “YMCA” has nothing to do with marriage.

• Forcing bridesmaids to wear a dress or color that doesn’t suit them. The most compassionate brides are those who understand that everyone in the wedding party should look their best, not just herself.

• “The couple shoving cake into each other’s face. What could be a tender moment demonstrating love, care, and devotion turns into a fracas where each demonstrates they can’t be trusted.” Etiquetteer could not agree more.

• The garter toss. Yes, this Suggestive Tradition has jumped the shark and should be abandoned.

• “Guests with snarky comments about the couple’s choices of venue, cocktail, outfits, vows, traditions, innovations, officiants and anything else. Leave your snark at home and just enjoy. That’s the best gift the couple can receive.” Wise advice for guests! Dear Mother was correct: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

• “Any public display of affection that suggests they’re marrying for more than sharing property and procreation.” Even today, when almost every Happy Couple has been living together before marriage, focus is drawn (perhaps forcibly) to the fiction that the wedding night is their First Night Together. Etiquetteer can’t help but remember the standard leer “She got hers today, he’ll get his tonight!” Not Perfectly Proper, and Entirely Unnecessary. Let’s move along, shall we?