Gifts of Wine, Vol. 21, Issue 44

Dear Etiquetteer:

My husband and I love to have people over for dinner, which we’ve started to do a little more after quarantining for most of 2020 and 2021. The problem is when they bring red wine as a hostess gift. Neither of us drink or serve red wine, and we don’t really know how to stop the “red tide.” Once our friends would bring white or rosé, but sometime during the pandemic the memo went out that bringing red wine to dinner parties was the chic thing to do.

I should be clear that we are not asking people to bring anything. When people do ask, I always tell them, “Please, just bring yourselves.” I’m just not sure if there’s a way I can keep people from bringing red when they don’t ask what they can bring first, and I would love your advice about this.

Dear Reddened:

There is that substantial group of people who have been taught never to show up empty-handed. Etiquetteer sometimes wishes they’d been taught to send a Lovely Note of Thanks the next day, but Etiquetteer usually sweeps away that Uncharitable Thought to focus on their Kindly Intention.

Just as with a bridal registry, it’s never Perfectly Proper to tell people how to spend money on you (until they ask, and then it’s open season.) In your case, subtle cues can help. For instance, when making a verbal invitation, say “We’re going to serve [Insert Recipe Here] because it goes so well with white.” Set an example by bringing a bottle of white or rosé when dining at the homes of your red-toting friends. Comment here and there on your newfound devotion to white wines to plant the seed that Red Is Out of Place at Your House.

When guests do bring red unexpectedly, you could consider serving it to them alone — “Let me open this for you right now!” — but the risk is that they then discover you don’t drink red, feel bad that they brought you a gift you don’t like, and then you’re stuck in an evening-long Discussion About Feelings, which is rather tedious for a dinner party. You might also consider just not inviting Habitual Offenders again. Let them carry the social ball awhile . . . but you already know that friendship is more important than trivialities like hostess gifts.

Etiquetteer’s version of this problem is what to do with all those gift bags friends use, both paper and cloth, when they bring wine gifts to Etiquetteer’s dinners.

As to your accumulated Cellar of Red, careful regifting can ease the pressure on your closet space. Let’s hope the fashion of red wine turns to a fashion of Lovely Notes instead!

Asparagus, Vol. 21, Issue 43

Even from the depths of Sunday morning coffee Etiquetteer doesn’t feel able to address the larger issue of Perfect Propriety and Beauty in retreat from the world stage. So let’s look at something more seasonal, asparagus.

Celebrity vegetable of the 19th century, asparagus was held in such high esteem that it merited its own course in a formal dinner menu, after the roast. It would then be served on its own platter on top of a cloth napkin on a tray offered by the footman. These days it’s more convenient to plate it in the kitchen. Asparagus no longer rates its own spotlight and is served with the main course as other vegetables are.

What really sets it apart now is lingering doubts about how to eat it with Perfect Propriety. It seems inconceivable that asparagus was once properly eaten with the fingers, but such was the case. Is that still Perfectly Proper today? The answer is actually “Sometimes.” Most experts recommend a two-tier approach. Starting with the asparagus tip, cut bite-sized portions from each stalk until you get to the firmer-textured base of the stalk. You may then use your fingers to pick up what’s left and eat it. The fingers are never used if your asparagus is covered in sauce, usually Hollandaise.

Do not pick up an entire stalk of asparagus and attempt to eat the whole thing. This is especially embarrassing if it’s been cooked so limp it just flops over in your hand. What Etiquetteer finds most interesting is how manners have changed to allow the knife. ”More conventional manners demand that only the fork be used” declared Etiquetteer’s beloved Millicent Fenwick in Vogue’s Book of Etiquette back in 1948. But by 1990, Etiquetteer’s beloved Letitia Baldrige teaches us to “cut the vegetable into small manageable portions with your knife and fork as you eat it.”

One hazard unique to asparagus is its fibrous woody ends. This is why you always begin eating asparagus at the tip, and why asparagus should always be served or plated pointing in the same direction.* Attentive cooks will trim off the woody ends before cooking, but in case they don’t, if it looks too splintery, leave that bit on your plate.

Etiquetteer wishes you beautiful consumption of beautiful asparagus with the sauce and company of your choice.

*It also looks terribly sloppy otherwise.

Corporate Event Ghosting, Vol. 21, Issue 42

ETIQUETTEER!

Do you have something to say about how rude it is for people to not show up when they’ve committed to something? It’s become such a problem professionally. I have clients who host events and people RSVP and don’t show up and it’s also been a problem with my women’s networking group. Is this a product of Covid or are people just getting ruder?

Dear Ghosted:

The short answer to your question is yes. Yes, ghosting events (including, to Etiquetteer’s astonishment, job interviews and even new jobs) is a product of COVID, and yes, people are also getting ruder. Avoiding in-person events of any kind has become sort of a meme. Gary Janetti’s book titles Do You Mind If I Cancel? and Start Without Me are just two examples. News flash: COVID, easily transmissible with close human contact, has made people wary of getting out and about, especially now (again!) with the new variants. And not everyone is willing to admit that they might feel anxious about this.

But a lack of concern about the impact one’s behavior has on others predates the pandemic; one might say it’s the perpetual state of society*. Obviously masking is the big pandemic issue — is, it’s still going on. Before the pandemic Etiquetteer noticed it most with people using their personal devices without headphones, so that everyone around them was forced to “enjoy” their phone conversations or Bad Musical Selections. Before personal devices, it was smoking in the no-smoking section.

Another factor is that, unbelievably, after two years of the pandemic, workers are spending 21.5 hours a week in meetings, “an increase of 7.3 hours since the pandemic began.” Is this not insane? No wonder people are ghosting, as so many meetings are actually more productive when they are emails instead.

Etiquetteer still believes that reliability is a cornerstone of Perfect Propriety, particularly in the workplace, where reputations are made and lost on showing up. When plans change — and this can include everything from a death in the family to crippling depression — it’s important to work through whatever difficult emotion there is to notify the organizer that you won’t be there.

How do we handle ghosting by others? The Perfectly Proper way is by showing compassion. If so inclined, after being ghosted, follow up with a text or email along the lines of “I missed you at [Insert Event Here]. I hope you’re OK and not sick with COVID.” Please refrain from sarcasm, but Etiquetteer will allow a certain Cold Civility if the event ghosted was a wedding or funeral, or if the ghost was responsible for part of the program.

It’s sometimes helpful, in advance, to think through a couple Worst Case Scenarios for when one or more people might not make it. The scenarios may never come about, but it can help you feel more prepared for all sorts of issues. Etiquetteer wishes you a packed house, and Strength and Calm when the numbers come up short.

(This is not just in the corporate realm either. That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, reading your query over Etiquetteer’s shoulder, slowly flushed with shame with the realization that last month (!) after confirming by text attendance at a farewell party next day, he completely forgot about it and didn’t go. The only solution now is groveling and flowers, and perhaps wine.)

*Cleveland Amory suggests this in his excellent book Who Killed Society?, tracing commentary from 1960 all the way back to the founding of the United States from people who felt things were always better in the Good Old Days and always continuously getting worse and worse.

Free Beach Etiquette

Dear Etiquetteer:

I hope some day you publish etiquette rules for naturists. That would be fresh and international! Most people do not know how to behave at a naturist venue.

Dear Naturist:

Thank you for asking; Etiquetteer will address your specific questions below. Every place is a Perfectly Proper place for etiquette, including — some may be scandalized to consider it — the nude beach. With most of the world gripped by an appalling heat wave that may tempt many people to doff their duds, Etiquetteer, with some anxiety, submits some guidelines for Perfectly Proper enjoyment of a free beach, pool, or resort.

First-timers first need to decide why they are going. Curiosity, a personal challenge, the need for freedom — these are not uncommon reasons.

This may seem counterintuitive for a visit to a nude beach, but one of the most important considerations when going is Privacy. More people than you think are going because they want to be on their own and aren't in a Mix and Mingle Mood. Perfectly Proper beachgoers respect the personal space of others by not establishing themselves too close (at least not until the beach or pool gets crowded), not persisting in unwelcome conversation, and especially not taking clandestine photos (more on that later). Your consideration of others helps foster a safe environment for all.

Gawkers are not unknown at textile beaches. But their behavior is creepier at free beaches because beachgoers, both male and female, can feel more vulnerable without clothes. Let's just stop it with the unwelcome staring, shall we? Be at the beach for yourself, not the view.

Speaking of the view, it's also rude to comment on the appearance of others. No one is obligated to look attractive to you, and derogatory remarks, no matter how sotto voce, are Not Perfectly Proper. In her wonderful book On Going Naked, Jan Gay remembered young Americans at a 1930s German nudist camp: “. . . young men who were rather rude and silly and inclined to make 'smart cracks' about the appearance of the women. The guests here were largely family groups with a preponderance of mature women . . . Several of the Germans present understood English and realized the impoliteness of their American visitors, but they did not betray their awareness . . . they bore with the rudeness of these Americans much in the spirit of martyrs enduring for a just cause.” “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all” remains good advice.

Your gear should include everything you'd ordinarily take to the beach except a bathing suit: hat, sunglasses, umbrella, towel, snacks and drinks, thick paperback novel,* and most important, sun block. If you're going alone, you might consider bringing a sunblock applicator with a long handle, like this one. It will help you can take care of your back without Offers of Unwelcome Assistance.

And now to answer your specific questions:

How should a man deal with spontaneous and visible “excitement?”

Gentlemen always ask about this first, mostly out of fear. The most common question about nude beaches has the simplest solution. Just roll over or use a towel for cover until you feel calmer. After all the anxiety, most men find that this is not actually a problem.

At a resort with chairs and chaise longues around, how can I feel more comfortable sitting where others have sat before?

This is why you bring your own towel (or two) everywhere, to sit on. Towels are totally de rigueur. The fastidious may also wish to bring their own spray cleaner and paper towels, but that could easily appear fussy or paranoid.

Can you kiss in the pool?

“Nude is not lewd” as naturists say often, but Excessive Public Display of Affection undercuts that assertion. Beyond a quick peck, Etiquetteer would suggest you get a room.

Can you take pictures? In which circumstances?

Absolutely not without complete, total, and utter consent from everyone who shows up in the photo, even from a distance. Sad to say, reputations are still made and lost on the internet, no matter how casually those vacation snapshots have been shared. You really need to be rigorous about this. AANR also mentions the implications of photographing children, accidentally or on purpose. “Totally avoid taking photos of nude under-age children at the beach as it just isn’t worth the confrontation you will be inviting.”

How does one attend a naturist wedding?

Many guests might prefer just to send a gift! If you're going to go, it’s important to honor the dress code, which is an easy out if that’s beyond your comfort level. If it's just the Happy Couple appearing au naturel . . . well, once again, your comfort is the most important thing to consider.

Is it decent to wear intimate jewelry?

Coco Chanel’s classic advice “Put on everything you think is right and take one piece off” has fresh meaning here. This is very much a matter of personal taste. Waist chains and piercings tend to attract attention, which is not what everyone wants at a nude beach or resort. Etiquetteer would subtract rather than add jewelry.

Should you shave your nether regions before a naturist vacation?

Good grooming is essential whenever one goes out in public, but shaving or depilation is really more a matter of personal aesthetics. Fashions have changed over the centuries. Ancient Romans would regularly depilate themselves at the baths, a custom that ended when the Goths dropped in. If you’re going to go nude at the beach, present yourself in the way you are most comfortable, whatever that is.

You may read more about free beach etiquette at The American Associaiton of Nude Recreation.

*Etiquetteer's two favorites will always be The Thorn Birds and Valley of the Dolls.

Etiquette Errors in the Diaries of Chips Channon, Vol. 21, Issue 41

Henry “Chips” Channon, a naturalized British subject born into Chicago wealth, made his most enduring mark on English history after his death, in his remarkable diaries. It helps that he knew All Society, including Edward VIII and Mrs. Simpson, Winston Churchill, Duff and Diana Cooper, and those prominent society hostesses Laura Corrigan and Lady Emerald Cunard, among many others. It doesn’t hurt to live next door to the Duke and Duchess of Kent either.

Often our view of the past is obscured by misty images of Perfection — a court ball, for instance, or a garden party — so that we forget that people have always misbehaved. “Chips” records some marvelous social faux pas in Volume One, which cover the years 1918-1938, illustrating just why some etiquette rules ought to be followed. For instance:

Don’t go where you aren’t invited. “There was an unfortunate scene,” “Chips” recorded, at Lord Revelstoke’s ball on June 27, 1923. “Ronald Storrs . . . had dined with Lady Lovat and had somehow been cajoled by her and Lady [Emerald] Cunard and others to accompany them uninvited to the ball, they having said ‘it would be all right.’ I saw him arrive and dance several times. Suddenly Lord Revelstoke, very angry, went up to him and in none too courteous language turned him out. People discussed nothing else in whispers, most thinking that it had been very careless and underbred of [Storrs] to have come and rather worse for his unwilling host to order him out . . . “ So no one comes out of this covered in glory, but Etiquetteer really blames Lady Lovat and Lady Cunard for persuading (bullying?) Storrs into going. It’s their carelessness with their host’s generosity that caused the whole fuss to begin with. Naughty naughty girls!

Don’t dawdle. Make up your mind! On March 5, 1935, George Gage, a viscount by this time, showed up at a cocktail party and “took seven minutes to decide whether he wanted a cocktail or whisky and soda!“ Always have your drink order ready when approaching the bar, or being approached with a tray. You may always order something else for the next round.

If punctuality is the politeness of kings, when the king is punctual, be early to be polite. One of the greatest social events of “Chips’” life was when King Edward VIII came to dinner at his home, 3 Belgrave Square, on June 11, 1936. One of the tenets of royal etiquette is that the monarch arrives last and departs first. “Dinner was announced, doors were flung open and no Lady Cunard.” That Emerald, making trouble again! “When we had arrived there was a gap next to the King, where Emerald should have sat, and several moments of anxiety on my part until she arrived, apologetically*. Princess Marina whispered ‘Quand le roi dîne, on s'arrange pour être à l'heure**.’” Remember dahlings, early is on time, on time is late, late is absent.

Mark Twain may have said “Don’t let the truth get the way of a good story,” but don’t let a good story compromise global diplomacy. “Chips” overhead Emerald (she really is a troublemaker!) on the phone with Ribbentrop (!) inviting him to the opera. “She then suddenly said ‘Corbin, the French Ambassador, wants to meet you very much. He says that you are perfectly charming.’ The German’s voice dropped with surprise . . . I asked Emerald whether Corbin had ever said such a thing, she laughingly admitted that she had invented it on the spur of the moment. Will her whimsical invitation have repercussions on the political situation in Europe?” When you hobnob with ambassadors, the “little white lie” can create a lot of trouble.

Lady Emerald Cunard, that naughty hostess

*”When the king dines, one arranges to be on time.”

**Etiquetteer vaguely remembers Dominick Dunne reporting on just such a contretemps between Raquel Welch and Princess Margaret at some sort of luncheon in the Caribbean. Ms. Welch, arriving after the start of the luncheon, made her curtsey tableside. Her Royal Highness greeted her with a glance at her wristwatch to make a point.

Babblers, Vol. 21, Issue 40

“Tonight, after a long and wearying day . . . [Mrs. Kaplan] was still capable, she reflected whimsically, of stepping in the social breach and, to coin a phrase, ‘get the evening off the ground!’ Her method of achieving this was quite simple. She just talked incessantly.” — from “Bon Voyage,” by Noel Coward

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have a friend who, when at a dinner party, never seems to notice that she talks NON STOP, often in loud, strident tones, and always laughs at her own jokes even when others are not. She also reveals extremely intimate medical details about her husband who is always at her side, yet she yammers on as if he isn’t in the room. As the host, how do I adroitly steer the conversation to others without saying as did, for example, a business colleague to his wife while hosting a packed event for his alma mater in his home, “For God’s sake, shut up!!!” 

Said friend also gorges on hors d’oeuvres then loudly gobbles huge amounts of food at the dinner table, often loudly declaring, “Oh my God! I’m so full but I just have to eat all this delicious food?"  We’ve known her for decades but her behavior gets worse. Is the only option not to invite them when we have other guests? Thank you for any suggestions.

Dear Forebearing:

Your query immediately reminded Etiquetteer of a long-ago Dear Prudence question from a woman who spent five hours driving somewhere with her mother who did not draw breath the entire trip, unable to stop talking and completely unaware that she was repeating the same stories over and over. Etiquetteer is no doctor, and doesn’t even play one on TV, but excessive garrulity could be indicative of dementia. As this is a Friend of Long Standing, and someone who has not always behaved this way — Etiquetteer would not otherwise suggest this — you might ask her husband very privately about the state of her health.

Of course your Garrulous Friend may really just think she’s being witty and vivacious and not a gasbag. In either case, you’re quite right that other guests should also be given the chance to join the conversation. Not everyone picks up on subtle hints, like changing the subject. You may have to be very direct with your friend: “Ermentrude, I am sure you would like to hear what Ethelred has to say about this,” or even “Now Ermentrude, it’s time to give someone else a chance.”

In the Noel Coward short story quoted above, the loquacious Mrs. Kaplan is confounded at last by another passenger, Lady Bland: “Whenever she opened her mouth to speak, Lady Bland put down her knife and fork and leaned forward with an expression of steely politeness which would have silenced the chatter of a cageful of orangutans.” Not a strategy you can use as a host yourself, since you have an obligation to be gracious to your guests . . . but it might be instructive to your other guests*.

Your Garrulous Friend’s ostentatious enjoyment of your food might be silenced with portion control. Instead of offering hearty hors d’oeuvres with drinks in the living room, just put out a bowl of nuts or olives and serve an hors d'oeuvre as the first course at the table — a trio of oysters or cheese puffs or something small.

Otherwise, you might want to entertain this woman and her husband separately from your other friends, or even let them carry the social ball and host themselves. Etiquetteer wishes you well in damming the torrent.

*It is so very naughty of Etiquetteer even to suggest this.

Invitations, Vol. 21, Issue 39

Dear Etiquetteer:

Hello and Happy Summer! My fiancé and I are getting married this October — his second marriage, my first.  The issue of registering for gifts has left us in a quandary, as we are older, financially comfortable, and really don't need anything. In fact, we recently moved and purged loads of excess stuff.

Truthfully, we would prefer no gifts (especially from those traveling to the wedding), but we know there is no tasteful way to convey this.  Also, even if we suggested that guests make a charitable donation in lieu of a gift, I am certain many would still give us some sort of present to mark the occasion.

As such, we also recognize that a registry is an invaluable resource to help guests purchase a gift that actually makes the happy couple happy.  In the absence of one, we may be inundated with picture frames, cutting boards and scented candles.

With all this in mind, do you have any suggestions on how we can handle this delicate matter in a perfectly proper manner?

Dear Bride to Be:

First, congratulations on your impending nuptials! And how refreshing to hear from a Happy Couple who actually care about the impact their Special Day will have on their guests.

In fact, the Perfectly Proper way to convey that you don’t want gifts is to include “No gifts please” on your invitations. Etiquetteer used to be opposed to this, but discovered some interesting historical precedent that changed his mind, which you may read about here. That’s all you need to say to be tasteful. Please don’t elaborate along the lines of “Your presence is your present,” which can only lead to a lot of “Haw haw, a pun! Get it?” types of commentary.

You’re right, even with that instruction there will be a few people who will give you wedding gifts anyway. While this may come from the cultural expectation that wedding guests give gifts, Etiquetteer prefers to think that these loved ones are genuinely motivated by a desire to make themselves part of your Newfound Happiness in a tangible way, even though you’ve asked them not to give you something. When approached (people will ask), be firm about your wishes. “Really, we just finished getting rid of a lot of things and are not looking to fill the house again! All we want is you with us on our special day.”

Even if you do get a collection of unwanted scented candles, etc., send Lovely Notes of Thanks. These items may always be regifted (carefully outside the circle of the giver!) or donated to your local thrift shop.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How early is too early to send out a save-the-date card for a 70th birthday party? It falls in December when people have so many other commitments. I’m thinking within the first week of December for a birthday a couple days before Christmas. What do you think?

Dear Birthday Boy:

One’s first 70th birthday is always a milestone, and Etiquetteer wishes you joy both in preparation and celebration. Given that this is a milestone birthday practically on Christmas, Etiquetteer thinks you could send a save-the-date immediately after Thanksgiving. You may wish to tip off Friends at a Distance earlier, because they might want to alter travel arrangements to make your party. Expect to follow up with people individually in the week before the party, just because the winter holidays are always so active.

Etiquetteer wishes you many very happy 70th birthdays after this one!

Correspondence with Government Officials, Vol. 21, Issue 38

Many citizens — hitherto blithely unaware of anything outside of bread and the Circus of Their Choice — have suddenly become interested in What’s Going On in Washington. Motivation to express personal opinions is strong — and so are the opinions, and so, sometimes, is the language. Etiquetteer has some guidelines about official correspondence for those ready to express themselves.

Justices of the US Supreme Court do not provide a mechanism to receive email from fellow citizens, so you will have to utilize your good old-fashioned letter-writing skills. Greeting cards and fold-over notecards are not best for official correspondence such as this. Use standard size 8.5x11 stationery; in fact, the White House prefers it for snailmail. (Unlike the Court, the White House accepts email.)

Contact information for the Supreme Court may be found on their website here. If you are writing to the Chief Justice, address your letter to “The Chief Justice of the United States,” because there’s only one. If you are writing to another Justice, address your letter to “Justice [Name of Justice].”

The other branches of government are more tech savvy. Contact information for members of both houses of the United States Congress may be found on their website here. You will need your nine-digit ZIP code, which you may look up here. The Protocol School of Washington has a very helpful web pages on how to address a member of Congress and a Senator.

Contact information for the White House may be found here. You’d think writing “The White House, Washington, DC,” on an envelope (and a stamp) would be enough for the Post Office, but the White House requests that you write the full address “to make sure your letter gets to us as quickly and directly as possible.” If you are writing to the President, address your letter to “The President” (like the Chief Justice, there’s only one). Correspondence to the Vice President is likewise addressed to “The Vice President.”

It should not be necessary to state this, but when writing to any of these government officials — to anyone at all, really, no matter who — threats of death and/or physical violence are completely out of place. Haven’t we had enough of this? Aside from their repugnance, they will probably only serve to get you put on some sort of government watch list, which must be the last thing anyone wants. Please restrain yourself if you find your thoughts drifting in that direction.

Legal Beagle has some wonderful advice on how to write to the Supreme Court, but in general Etiquetteer would advise you to speak from your heart, briefly, simply (without a lot of big words), and without veering off topic. Etiquetteer forgets who said that a letter longer than four pages indicated an unstable mind*, but it’s good advice. Profanity, while tempting in part because it’s so ubiquitous, will probably obscure your message.

A television comic recently joked that a sign of old age was thinking “you can still get things done with a letter.” Etiquetteer prefers the term “in my prime,” thank you, and will ask you to cover your mouth when you scoff. Etiquetteer wishes you a brisk thoughts, swift action, and positive change.

*Alas, these days it often indicates that it is a fund-raising letter.

Stories of Table Manners, Vol. 21, Issue 37

Of course table manners are a substantial part of Perfect Propriety, because there is no easier way for others to form an impression of the type of person you are from them. Not just whether you know what you’re doing or not, but how well you handle mistakes and crises at the table — your own, or someone else’s. Lillian Eichler said it best in her Today’s Etiquette of 1941: “. . . and if a blunder is made, let it pass! It is no very great crime to make a trifling mistake in table conduct, and if one’s manner is free from self-consciousness and embarrassment it is quite probable that no one will notice it.”

It’s more common than you think for people to mistake someone else’s glass or utensil for their own. If you find that you’ve drunk out of someone else’s glass or used their fork, apologize when it’s pointed out and ask the waiter (or your hosts) for a new one. (Hosts should have a supply near at hand in the dining room so they don’t have to travel far.) If someone has used your utensils, no one should have to be embarrassed to say “I’m so sorry, but that’s my glass. We’ve gotten our settings mixed up.”

Unique crises leave us guessing what to do sometimes. At tea in London one day poor Emily Kimbrough was so excited to meet matinée idol Gilbert Miller that she '“ate the pink baby ribbon which was tied around the sandwiches. It was hard to chew and even harder to swallow because it got untied in transit and she had to gulp it down like a stomach-pump. But to pull it out hand over hand would have been even more spectacular, so she washed it down with tea . . . Gilbert Miller never took his eyes off her.”** As a general rule, if something gets into your mouth that isn’t supposed to be there, like a bone or an olive pit, it’s most Perfectly Proper to remove it unobtrusively and put it on your plate. If that can’t be achieved, much better to excuse yourself.***

Emily Post Herself made news when she spilled a sauceboat of lingonberries over herself and the tablecloth at a 1938 public dinner of the New York Gourmet Society. The society’s president gallantly tried to blame a waiter, but Mrs. Post, with equally gallantry, refused to let anyone else take the blame for her error.****

Reacting or not to the Behavior of Others is sometimes more of a challenge. Etiquetteer will never forget sitting next to the temperamental old gentleman at a wedding banquet some 40 years ago who deliberately spat into Etiquetteer’s empty coffee cup*. A quiet word to the waiter was sufficient to get a new cup, but really.

Etiquetteer wishes you table companions with good manners, good instincts, and good appetites. What could be more Perfectly Proper?

*Etiquetteer had been invited as a colleague’s “plus one” to this out-of-state family wedding, and hasn’t seen anyone from that day since. It seems clear that families invite “plus ones” to insulate them from family members they’d rather not deal with themselves. There are better ways to spend a summer Saturday.

** From Etiquetteer’s beloved Our Hearts Were Young and Gay, by Cornelia Otis Skinner and Emily Kimbrough.

***Of course if you’re actually choking to death, it’s most Perfectly Proper to make the Universal Sign of Choking so someone can start the Heimlich maneuver on you.

****Emily Post, by Laura Claridge, pages 369-370.

On Tyranny: An Etiquette Book for This Century, Vol. 21, Issue 36

“20. Be as courageous as you can.”

If etiquette is about how we conduct ourselves in society, how do we conduct ourselves in a society in crisis? Issues like white shoes before Memorial Day and how many forks are needed appear trivial in the face of Larger Forces. But Etiquetteer is not ready to give in to Anarchy and Nihilism — not just yet. We need an etiquette guide for this moment. Thankfully, it was published five years ago, and not a moment too soon: Timothy Snyder’s On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century.

Etiquetteer already included this valuable little volume in a list of Books for Perfect Propriety. Mr. Snyder brings back some bedrock basics we need to be reminded of now. His headings speak for themselves — “Remember professional ethics,” “Believe in truth,” “Make eye contact and small talk,” and “Be calm when the unthinkable arrives.” The latter is so important because the unthinkable has become not just possible, but actual.

When Mr. Snyder says “Contribute to good causes,” he does not just mean financially (more on that later), but personally. “. . . one element of freedom is the choice of associates, and one defense of freedom is the activity of groups to sustain their members. This is why we should engage in activities that are of interest to us, our friends, our families.” Václav Havel’s beer brewing is the example provided. Perfect Propriety in crisis means remaining engaged personally in our communities and networks. The pandemic has made this extraordinarily challenging, but it does remain possible to gather with people over mutual interests.

In this Cultural Moment, all of us are likely to receive appeals from many different sources, institutional and personal. Contribute where you can, but Mr. Snyder’s number 11, “Investigate,” comes into play. He’s referring to journalism, but Etiquetteer endorses doing your own research any time you’re approached with a request for support. Whether it’s a candidate’s positions or the fine print in an organization’s mission statement, you need to be responsible for what you know. You may always decline graciously with “Thanks for this opportunity, but I am already supporting other causes/campaigns” . . . as long as you are actually supporting other causes/campaigns.

Mr. Snyder reminds us to “Be kind to our language” (number 9). “Avoid pronouncing the phrases everyone else does. Think up your own way of speaking, even if only to convey that thing you think everyone is saying.” So much online discourse involves sharing memes and retweets of what other people have expressed or packaged. It’s easy to do — “Oh, I agree with this, so I must share it immediately!” — but when that becomes our first, and then only, response, we deprive our imaginations of the chance to explore our own depths of feeling and opinion, whether raw or nuanced. (It is, of course, possible both to share your own original content and of others; Etiquetteer has seen splendid communicators also retweet other people.) We don’t all have to be eloquent, but wrestling with putting ideas into our own words clarifies what we think.

Rules of etiquette help us blend in, but one of Mr. Snyder’s most important lessons is the opposite, “Stand out” (number 8). This is not exhibitionism, but setting an example. “Remember Rosa Parks. The moment you set an example, the spell of the status quo is broken, and others will follow.” At times this will require courage, just as it did for Mrs. Parks. We will need to be as courageous as we can.

Office Health Issues, Vol. 21, Issue 35

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have a colleague who is back in the office almost every day. Recently he has had a bad cough and has continued to come to work, and he’s not wearing a mask.

How can I politely speak with him and encourage him to work from home until his cough is better, or at least to wear a mask when he is in the office?

Dear Officed:

This issue was fraught with peril even before the pandemic, but has become Downright Nuclear this year with the lifting of mask mandates in many places as well as workplace requirements to return to the office at least a few days a week. There’s no solution that can provide instantaneous results, but there are some steps to take.

First, be sure you understand what your workplace’s policies are about working from home, masking in the workplace, and other COVID-related rules. If, for instance, masks are required and your Coughing Colleague isn’t wearing one at all, that may be something you, or his supervisor, needs to point out to him.

You may then take one of two paths: speak directly with your colleague, or share your concerns with your own supervisor and have them handle it. These are both entirely valid approaches. It’s not cowardly to go through your supervisor; that’s what supervisors are there for.

But if you decide to speak directly, address the issue first from the point of view of his health rather than yours or the overall health of the office. Etiquetteer would think it unusual if your Coughing Colleague was unaware of his own coughing, but not of its impact on others. Ask a Manager, in this column (read all of it, please — extremely wise), adds another wrinkle: that your Coughing Colleague might be required by his boss to be in the office regardless of possible symptoms.

After that, Etiquetteer thinks it is Perfectly Proper to share your own concerns about your health, and his impact on you. Early in the pandemic Etiquetteer said that we’d all have to get comfortable with Uncomfortable Questions, both asking them and being asked them. But it does still feel uncomfortable.

In general, Etiquetteer agrees with Ask a Manager that gently encouraging your colleague to work from home (if possible), mask (if that’s not possible), and to work from home yourself (if all else fails) is a Perfectly Proper strategy to protect your health.

It’s important to acknowledge the weariness all of us feel over two years into this global health crisis, a crisis unlike anything since the Flu We No Longer Call Spanish epidemic of 1918-1920. The testing, masking, social distancing, constant concern about ventilation, travel restrictions, failing small businesses, anti-science militancy, and perpetual anxiety about the health and safety of People We Love — it’s enough to grind anyone to a powder. Etiquetteer encourages you to speak with a Trusted Person — spouse, partner, friend, or colleague — about your own COVID anxieties, and how to persist in the weeks to come. The old saying “A trouble shared with a trouble halved, but a joy shared is a joy doubled” was never truer than in this crisis.

Boston's Hotel Vendome, Vol. 21, Issue 34

That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much joins Etiquetteer in today's column to share some personal reminiscences.

June 17 marked the 50th anniversary of one of the great Boston tragedies, the Hotel Vendome fire that took the lives of nine firemen. The Vendome had been a Boston Brahmin institution since it opened in 1871. After its expansion to its current size ten years later, it became known as "the most perfect and superb hotel in the world." You can learn more about the history of the building at BackBayHouses.org.

A rare interior image of the Vendome. From Etiquetteer’s collection.

A magnet both for Boston Brahmins and visiting celebrities, Sarah Bernhardt famously stayed there on her first American tour in the winter of 1880-1881. "More than comfortable, it was filled with works of art, rare porcelains, and masses of carpets sent by welcoming Brahmins who left invitations along with their calling cards."* Imagine something like that happening now! Tradition has it that Bernhardt’s suite was the second floor front exactly at the corner of Commonwealth Avenue and Dartmouth Street, and I remember the people who lived there saying that they had heard of Bernhardt being seen at the large window over the Dartmouth Street entrance watching the snow swirl down the street. Other guests, at different times, included Oscar Wilde and former President and Mrs. U.S. Grant.

Intended principally as a residential hotel — as fashionable a design for living then as microunits are now — its decline began after World War II, when suburbia became more fashionable. Which leads me to a story.

From Etiquetteer’s collection.

One night on the desk I saw a man of about 40 years of age wandering slowly through the lobby. We were taught to discourage loiterers with no clear business in the building, and I approached him. "May I help you?" I asked. "Oh no, I used to shack up here when I was at [Insert Name of Local University Here] in the Sixties, and I just wanted to see the place." I withered inside hearing this man use the term "shack up" to describe a place to which I'd attached so many Beautiful Illusions. "Yeah," he continued, shredding any such Beautiful Illusions I might have had left, "I know a lot of guys who lost their virginity here." Oh dear.

Years after the fire, when the Vendome had become a condominium and I was in college, I worked there as a concierge. So the building and its history have always had a special place in my heart. I arrived there in the summer of 1984 knowing very little of the building's history, but ready to fulfill my Upstairs, Downstairs dreams of domestic service with the added benefit of concentrated time to read coursework (mostly Jacobean revenge tragedies). My two years there taught something important: everyone should both have a servant and be one. Being "in service," in whatever role, teaches you not just how to do a job well and why it should be done well, but also a great deal about how people should -- and should not -- treat each other.

From Etiquetteer’s collection.

In its heyday, It was said that you weren’t a Brahmin if you didn't have either your wedding or your reception at the Vendome. It was the first building to sport electric lights (three 150-bulb chandeliers in its ballroom), and the first Boston nightspot in the 1930s (where the restaurant is on the lower level now) that featured telephones at every table. One resident told me that his aunt, a New England dealer in antiques, would come to Boston annually for an antiques show held at the newer Copley Plaza — but would stay at the Vendome.

Besides its main entrance on Commonwealth Avenue, the Dartmouth Street front of the hotel included a ladies entrance. Why on earth should the ladies have to be segregated so? Etiquetteer always understood that it was because a lady, particularly an unaccompanied lady, might not actually be considered respectable were she to be seen entering a hotel**. In this century, that seems absurd in the extreme. Kiki Volkert, writing about ladies’ entrances to Philadelphia barrooms at Hidden City, suggests “It is also true that these entrances protected women from the gaze of judgmental neighbors.” Etiquetteer agrees, but isn’t Dartmouth Street just as exposed as Commonwealth Avenue?

The Vendome featured five dining rooms, including a children's dining room. Possibly children under a certain age ate there (with their families) until they were old enough that their table manners wouldn’t disturb other diners. This is a feature Etiquetteer thinks many adults would welcome with enthusiasm now.

Residential hotels also became known for those rarefied beings, “hotel children,” children whose families chose to live in hotel suites instead of in houses, and for whom home life involved room service waiters and doormen. Eloise must be the most famous hotel child, the fictional character created by Kay Thompson and illustrated by Hilary Knight, who lived at the Plaza.*** Real life hotel child Margaret Case Harriman began her memoir Blessed Are the Debonair with memories of growing up at New York’s Algonquin Hotel, owned and operated by her father Frank Case.

Several children lived at the Vendome, but my most endearing memory is of a shy young girl who took the elevator down to the lobby one evening just to talk. New to the Vendome with her parents, I think she was apprehensive about living in such a large building. It wasn’t until months later that her mother told me how much my chats with her daughter helped her to feel better about their new home. And that made me very happy -- and how thoughtful of her mother to mention it quietly to me. That’s another talent to being “in service:” knowing how to listen, especially to the very young.

The Hotel Vendome in 2022, as seen from the firefighter’s memorial on Commonwealth Avenue.

*The Divine Sarah, by Arthur Gold and Robert Fizdale, 1991.

**A lady accompanied by her husband, father, or brother, could not have her reputation so questioned.

***Most people forget that Patrick Dennis, before he went to live with his Auntie Mame, lived at the Edgewater Beach Hotel in Chicago with his father and Norah Muldoon, his nanny.

Forms of Address, Vol. 21, Issue 33

Dear Etiquetteer:

I believe somewhere in Emily Post's Etiquette or elsewhere she says that the phrase "the wife" is "unspeakable."  The proper phrase, as I recall, is "my wife" or "my husband."  Do you agree, and if so, wouldn't the perfectly proper phrase be "my boyfriend" rather than "the boyfriend?" Thanks for your expert guidance on this all-important question.

Dear Observant:

How charming of you to consider that subtle shade of meaning. A review of the 1922 edition of Emily Post doesn't reveal a specific reference to "Meet the wife," but Mrs. Post does share much of interest in how introductions are made, and her Pronounced Aversion to Slang (into which Etiquetteer would class this expression). It's Amy Vanderbilt you're thinking of, who states simply and without the implied judgment of Mrs. Post "Nor does a man say 'the wife' or 'the missus.'"*

Certainly it would be Most Improper to refer to "the boyfriend" or "the wife" in that person's presence. That would imply Improper Disregard for someone most definitely right there! Your query reminded Etiquetteer of the old expression "Who's she, the cat's mother?", used to reprimand someone for using a pronoun when a proper name would have been more Perfectly Proper — like when they're with you in the conversation.

Etiquetteer thinks Humorous Intent is how slang expressions like “meet the boyfriend” creep into our speech — Mrs. Post would probably say “degrade,” “corrupt,” or “cheapen” — and continuing reflection on the impact of our words can help us steer away from anything that could be hurtful.

And on that note, Etiquetteer will leave you with “The Girl Friend,” title song of the Rodgers and Hart musical, and Meet the Wife from British television of another era. Enjoy!

*Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette: A Guide to Gracious Living, 1954, page 218.

How to Wear Diamonds, Vol. 21, Issue 32

“A lady never starts on her emeralds until she has all her diamonds.” — from How to Set Up for a Mah-jongg Game and Other Lost Arts, by Carol E. Rinzler and Joan Gelman

With Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s Platinum Jubilee concluding, Etiquetteer’s thoughts have turned to the Perfect Propriety of diamonds. Not specifically to the Queen’s diamonds, but when, where, and how the rest of us might wear them.

The only people left who are expected to appear drenched in gems would be female royalty*. And frankly, Etiquetteer would like to see the younger ladies in the Family Firm up their game. One remaining reason for royalty is spectacle, and One Important Piece (read: a large stone) should remain part of the spectacle. Her Majesty has set the tone with her famous collection of brooches; the younger ladies would do well to follow her example, especially if Gan-Gan is willing to share.

But what about us commoners? Since the Gilded Age, ostentatious display of bling has not been considered Perfectly Proper during the day. Coco Chanel’s old advice — “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off” — remains good advice. Jewels enhance your appearance; you do not exist as a Jewelry Display System. If people notice your diamonds before they notice you, those diamonds are working against you. (Etiquetteer has written more about a lady’s jewelry here.)

The one exception, according to Emily Post**, is a gala night at the opera. “. . . ball dresses are worn in the boxes and head-dresses [read: tiaras] and as many jewels as one chooses — or has.” The old-fashioned term is “a brilliant opera night.” Another used to be a Court of St. James presentation, which ended in 1958, when dowagers (but not debutantes) would stick on every diamond they owned.

You may feel like the Vatican is suitably grand for some showpiece diamonds, but you’d be wrong. Amy Vanderbilt*** informs us that for papal audiences, that’s a big no-no. Only functional jewelry is permitted: wedding and engagement rings, a plain pin that actually fastens your clothes, and maybe a string of pearls. But bright stones are not allowed, and earrings are considered “too frivolous.” For gentlemen, jewelry should be “as inconspicuous as possible and without colored stones, with the possible exception of amethysts.”

For gentlemen, Esquire Etiquette used to advise against “too obvious stones.” And Emily Post pulls no punches. “Nothing is more vulgar than a display of ‘ice’ on a man’s shirt front, or on his fingers.”** She softens her stance a bit later — “. . . waistcoat buttons and cuff links may be jewelled and valuable, but they must not have big precious stones or be conspicuous.” And really, conspicuousness is the key. In this century, it’s one thing for a man to wear diamonds — rings, stud earrings, pendants, have all become more usual — but quite another for a man to make you aware, through his manner and gestures, that he is wearing diamonds. (Eitquetteer has written more about a gentleman’s jewelry here.)

And that, to Etiquetteer, is the key to wearing diamonds in this century. For ladies or gentlemen, the trick to wearing diamonds**** with distinction, with Perfect Propriety, is to do so as though there was nothing special about wearing them. This means without a lot of flashing gestures, preening, reference to Lorelei Lee, and expressions along the lines of “Gee, don’t it sparkle?” or '“Yo, catch my bling.”

When making All About Eve, Joe Mankiewicz told Bette Davis that her character, Margo Channing, “treats a mink coat like a poncho.” That is how to wear diamonds now — but Etiquetteer will still tell you that before 5:00 PM, less is more.

*The men used to bedizen themselves, too, but that rather fell out of fashion with the French Revolution.

**Etiquette, 1922.

***Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette: A Guide to Gracious Living, 1954

****I don’t mean rhinestones.

Table Settings, Vol. 21, Issue 31

“But I’ve been in front of this particular ballet on more than one occasion, and I really must . . . there are one or two things I really must put right.” — Marius Goring as Julian Craster in The Red Shoes (1948)

As more and more people are entertaining at home again (the uncertainty of the pandemic notwithstanding), Etiquetteer believes it will be helpful to review how to set the table with Perfect Propriety. A refresher course is never a bad idea.

We start with a knife, fork, and spoon. Those are the basics. Don’t set more than you need beyond this. (Some of you may argue that you don’t use the spoon, or the knife, or the fork, etc. Thanks for pointing that out, but these still make up the basic table setting. If they go unused and you just return them to the silverware drawer without washing, Etiquetteer will be carefully examining your bookshelves at the time.)

Forks go on the left. Knives and spoons go on the right. Never the reverse. If it’s a very simple meal and the knife, fork, and spoon are set together as a group, they go to the left of the plate, never to the right. The knife blade always faces in, toward the plate, never out. Miss Manners has even declared that the knife blade faces in regardless of whether or not we’re at war; read that column here.

Might forks and spoons ever be placed upside down? Improbably, the answer is yes — a holdover from the days when silver was monogrammed on the underside. And indeed, Etiquetteer just observed such a setting in a little French bistro. But Etiquetteer finds this more effective when the silver actually is monogrammed on the underside.

b is for bread and 👌 is for drink.

Glasses go to the right, and your bread plate (if there is one) to the left. Remember the “bread drink'“ mnemonic with your thumbs and fingers. When you make the OK sign with your left hand, if forms a lower case b — for bread, obviously. And with your right hand it forms a d, for drink. Anyone suggesting that b might be for booze, and that glasses should therefore be placed at left, is being deliberately provocative and will be sent to the foot of the table.

Sometimes a table is too closely set and table settings overlap awkwardly. Etiquetteer just attended a dinner with ten people seated at a round table and had to reach through the left-hand neighbor’s wineglasses (on her right) to reach the bread plate (on Etiquetteer’s left). People do forget what’s supposed to belong to whom; please be understanding with fellow diners.

Never have more than three pieces of silverware on either side of the plate at any one time. If you’re serving a meal of so many courses that more silver than that is required, just remember that Etiquetteer is available as an “extra man” to help fill the table — as a guest, not an under butler.

The only fork that goes on the right is an oyster fork, which is much smaller than other forks and, uniquely, rests in the bowl of the soup spoon. If you don’t have oyster forks, luncheon forks may be used in a pinch. If you’re serving oysters on your back porch direct from the ice, you really just need a good shucking knife, fingers of steel, and good health insurance for when the knife pierces a finger.

Dessert silver — a fork and a spoon — go at the top of the place setting for more formal meals. The spoon goes on top pointing toward the left, the fork beneath it pointing to the right. (Etiquetteer always forgets this and has to consult Millicent Fenwick’s Vogue’s Book of Etiquette: A Complete Guide to Traditional Forms and Modern Usage.) Mrs. Fenwick notes that both implements are used for ice cream — the spoon is needed for what melted while you were engrossed in conversation — “But for some reason, when one is given the two implements, as one is for dessert, it is more attractive not to use the spoon only.” In this century, Etiquetteer finds this Just a Bit Precious, but please continue to set both.

Napkins can go in three possible places: in the center of the plate, to the left (underneath or to the left of the silver), or exuberantly and elaborately folded into a wineglass. But that might be a bit flash.

These are just a few of the basics, not an exhaustive list of dos and don’ts. And what do you do if you’re invited to dine at a table incorrectly set? The best etiquette advice is always the simplest: shut up and eat.

Dress Codes, Vol. 21, Issue 30

“I suggest ya put on a tie! — Frau Blücher, of course, in Young Frankenstein

Last week a friend and reader forwarded this very interesting article from The New York Times about the return of dress codes to certain white-tablecloth restaurants. Etiquetteer rejoiced openly, clearly One of Those People “eager to dress up again after an epoch of record-level dowdiness.” But Etiquetteer would much rather keep it simple — “Business attire,” “smart casual” — and leave out all the precious euphemisms. Among other examples, the article included “New York swagger,” “upscale fashionable dress code strongly enforced,” and possibly the most easily abused, “We expect our guests to bring their best.” That is far too open to interpretation!

It’s impossible to ignore, though, that all standards of dress, in almost all situations, are more greatly open to interpretation than ever before. Etiquetteer blames the insidious advent of athleisure wear, the invasive species of clothing. In the meantime, ladies have more or less decided that leggings are Perfectly Proper, but whether they are dressy enough to be considered “smart casual” still causes confusion. Leggings are the pantsuits of the 21st-century. And you’ll notice very few people have a problem with ladies in trousers now.

The real issue, of course, is that too often what does or doesn’t meet the letter and/or spirit of a restaurant’s dress code is left “to the discretion of the management” — and that is not applied equally to all, which is Not Perfectly Proper. The article unflinchingly addresses that dress codes, often, were created to exclude based on race, gender, class, or just Not Being the Right Sort. And let’s face it, it’s deeply embarrassing to be turned away from a restaurant — anyplace — because what you’re wearing doesn’t measure up*.

As a general rule, Etiquetteer doesn’t look at the comments, but mercy goodness, the reverse snobbery flaming out from Those People Who Disparage Dress Codes And Those Who Love Them! Etiquetteer doesn’t consider them morally purer — just angrier. Dress codes have their place — Etiquetteer likes them because they underscore a sense of Occasion — but as more than one angry commenter pointed out, if you don’t like the dress code someplace, don’t go. What could be simpler?

Someone also pointed out that “No shirt, no shoes, no service” is also a dress code. So, it could be argued, is “No shirt, no shoes, no problem.” But often the market can’t, ahem, bear it. O’Naturel, the first restaurant nu in Paris**, opened in November, 2017 — and closed in February, 2019, after a great deal of lack of interest. Will the market support this refreshed crop of (clothed) dress standards for dining out? Time will tell!

In the meantime, let Etiquetteer ask this: are people who dress one way better or more Perfectly Proper than those who dress another? Etiquetteer thinks it depends entirely on how sharply you sneer at those dressing differently from yourself. The sharper the sneer, the less Perfectly Proper. Perhaps you can confine yourself to a gentle uptilting of your nose, whether you have on leggings, Daisy Dukes, or Chanel.

All Etiquetteer can do now is wish you Bon appétit!

*And this has happened to Etiquetteer, unforgettably when popping into the Savoy in London on a whim way back in Etiquetteer’s Callow Youth, hoping for afternoon tea seulement seul. The headwaiter was very nice about it, apologetically saying “You’ll have to have a jacket” . . . which Etiquetteer clearly didn’t have. But that was that. Un autre temps!

**Yes, a nudist restaurant in Paris! Etiquetteer is not making this up, you know.

Open House Etiquette, Vol. 21, Issue 29

Dear Etiquetteer:

What does “open house” on an invitation mean to you? Isn’t it ridiculous to say “Open House from 10 AM to 2 PM?”

Dear Invited:

To Etiquetteer, an open house means a daytime party of two hours or longer (usually three or four) when the hosts wish their guests to arrive at any time that suits them, and stay as long or as little as they want. These are great for when you want to see a lot of people, but not all at the same time. It’s not ridiculous to have a four-hour party, but you might feel ridiculous if you stayed all four hours — in which case you might get pressed into helping out here and there.

An open house could not be described as a formal function; that would be a reception. Casual clothes and hearty food are in order, even if the hours don’t coincide with mealtime (e.g. 2-6 PM). Indeed open houses sometimes evolve into potlucks. Disposable party goods are often chosen — Etiquetteer thinks particularly of those red Solo plastic cups — but there’s nothing wrong with using your everyday plates and glasses, etc.

People think of formal entertaining as hard work — and it can be — but so is more casual entertaining like this over an extended period. Someone needs to be stationed near the door to welcome arriving guests throughout; it is so helpful, even when you’ve been there before, to be greeted by the host in a room full of people you may not know and feel reassured that yes, this was the right day and I am expected. At the same time, someone needs to be monitoring the refreshments and the bar so that everything gets replenished when needed. And someone needs to be gathering abandoned plates, cups, and napkins wherever they might have been left to keep things looking tidy. This includes emptying ashtrays. Guests lay up for themselves treasures in Heaven when they help clear without asking.

Open houses can be great fun because of who shows up: mutual friends, shared colleagues, total strangers with good stories or shared interests, neighbors with spinach artichoke dip. And generally, because it’s an “open” house, guests might be allowed to bring a guest or two of their own. But check first with your hosts, who will need to lay in supplies for the number they expect. It’s Not Perfectly Proper to show up with your daughter’s graduating class or the two dozen members of your book club. If you are a family with children and you invite other families with children, plan activities in advance for them that will confine Irrepressible Child Energy away from breakables and heirlooms. Lawn games are great for this.

Now just because it’s an open house doesn’t mean it all has to be open. Etiquetteer advises having all the bathrooms available, of course, but those with pets who are, um, Not Good with Guests might need to sequester them in a remote bedroom. Another bedroom might need to be designated for young children (and/or their parents) who need a timeout. Please do not, as Etiquetteer has heard, fill up your medicine cabinet with marbles or something as a practical joke. The guest who opens that cabinet might just need an aspirin and not actually care about your Cosmetic Choices.

Etiquetteer hopes you have a lovely time at the party, however long or short a time you choose to stay. Don’t forget to send that Lovely Note of Thanks when you get home!

Random Issues, Vol. 21, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer:

Your response to the 89-year-old gentleman who was losing his ability to write was important to me. I now have a "familial tremor" common to men in my family. My handwriting is getting worse and I actually sometimes use the index finger of my left hand to still the shaking.

I have a slew of thank you notes to write after a death in my family. A relative came over and addressed some of the envelopes for me and in fact wrote the letters for a couple of people. But for most I do the letters myself, and it's a struggle.

Longer term I have thought that I would just type a note at the beginning that says something to the effect that my handwriting has become so bad that I can no longer do a handwritten note. I hope you will accept this as a weak but sincere alternative to a proper handwritten note.

Any suggestions on wording for that?

Dear Tremulous:

First, allow Etiquetteer to express condolences during this period of mourning for your family, which seems to be exacerbated by your tremor. You are fortunate that someone in your family is able and willing to assist you, a common, welcome, and entirely Perfectly Proper way to handle condolence responses. Such letters acknowledge that they are responding for you as well as for the family: “[Insert Your Name Here] and all the family were so touched by your letter,” etc.

But is it really necessary for you to apologize, or even acknowledge, that you’re typing and not handwriting your letters? Etiquetteer thinks not, and will call for backup from two figures rarely linked together: British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, and legendary French chef Julia Child. It was the former who said “Never complain, never explain,” and the latter who cheerfully advised “No excuses, no explanations.” Handwriting your signature, and perhaps a postscript, are more than sufficient. Besides, Etiquetteer would like to think in this century that we are more compassionate to the bereaved than to judge them on how their thanks are sent. Etiquetteer wrote more about condolence correspondence here.

Etiquetteer wishes you solace in communicating with your friends and relations at this challenging time.

May 15 is National Nylon Stockings Day — another random internet holiday! — which is an opportunity to reflect on how fashions have changed. Once upon a time, a lady was not, perhaps, considered a lady if she left her home with bare legs*. This was considered so important during World War II, when nylon was rationed, that liquid leg makeup became a vogue, including drawing straight seams up the back of one’s legs. Nylon stockings have not quite gone the way of the dodo in this century, but more and more ladies have either moved to tights or leggings — or just go without stockings altogether. And you will not hear a peep out of Etiquetteer about it, because ladies have also made it abundantly clear that they simply are not going to let men tell them what they can and cannot wear.

May 15 is also Straw Hat Day, when the boaters and skimmers can come out and the fedoras and Homburgs go back in. You may read Etiquetteer’s history of Straw Hat Day here.

*Of course That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much irresistibly remembered Ginger Rogers and Gail Patrick fighting over a pair of silk stockings in Stage Door: “From now on your wear your own stockings or go bare-legged. The places you go it doesn’t make any difference anyway.”

Receptionists, Vol. 21, Issue 27

Etiquetteer has long said that janitors, headwaiters, secretaries*, and receptionists truly rule the world. Remaining in their good graces is more important as those of national leaders and captains of industry. This being National Receptionists Day, let’s reflect on the importance of their work, and the difference your treatment of the receptionist impacts that company’s perception of you.

When clients and customers interact with a business, they want to be treated as though they, and their business, are actually valued. So whether in person or on the phone, a receptionist’s initial quality needs to be patience, considering how difficult automated phone trees are, not to mention urban parking. Patience, sympathy, but always with a certain formality that projects both competence and Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer promises you that this reassures clients.

Receptionists really do have to be prepared for anything, and to answer all possible questions. Think about what Mrs. Wilson identified as the perfect servant’s gift in Gosford Park: anticipation. And so it is with a first-rate receptionist, being able to gauge not just what a caller or client says they want, but why, and what their underlying need really is. This means being aware and informed of just who does what and why within the company, but also parking and driving directions, restrooms, coffee, nearby restaurants and other businesses, local events, etc. Truly a walking encyclopedia.

“The company will instruct its receptionists to dress conservatively, sit quietly and attentively, speak softly, address and refer to employees formally, stay off the telephone except on matters of business, abandon chewing gum,” says Esquire Etiquette of 1953. Considering how informal office life has become in the intervening decades, this seems almost amusing. Etiquetteer still remembers the (unverified) story of ladies being taught to type “sidesaddle” at the old Katharine Gibbs School because it was considered more attractive. Posture is, of course, important, but thank goodness we’ve moved beyond that!

After manners, a receptionist’s greatest asset is his or her speaking voice, especially in terms of diction. It doesn’t matter how helpful the information you’re providing is if no one can understand you! Speaking distinctly in a low tone, without sounding rushed, conveys not just information, but the perception of efficiency and concern.

Now what about you, Aggravated Self-Important Client? Etiquetteer doesn’t care how important you are or think you are**, being rude to the receptionist isn’t going to get you anywhere. When calling first thing in the morning, if the first words out of your mouth are “It’s 9:02 AM, and no one has picked up the phone!” and the office opens at 9 AM, you are likely to be put near the bottom of the list for assistance***. Automated phone trees are the Devil’s Maze, to be sure, but the receptionist isn’t to blame for them. Sometimes the receptionist will not be able to help you, without being at fault. It’s possible to convey dissatisfaction without making it personal. The phrase “I know this isn’t your fault” can go a long way.

Technology, and indeed the pandemic, have altered office life in such a way that we don’t always have receptionists to assist us any longer, but everyone on the front line in such a role — hotel clerks, cashiers, security desk officers, and especially airline gate agents — need and deserve the same courtesy. Etiquetteer wishes you many Perfectly Proper interactions.

*Now known as administrative assistants. Etiquetteer vaguely remembers Paul Fussell noting in his book BAD, or the Dumbing of America that basic jobs were made to sound deceptively more important by adding syllables, e.g. “sales associate” instead of “sales clerk.”

**There’s often a notable difference.

***True story.

Tasting Wine and Writing Not By Hand, Vol. 21, Issue 26

Dear Etiquetteer: 

I think people need education on wine etiquette. Lots of times when the sommelier pours the first sip into the glass, for the person to test to make sure the wine hasn’t gone off, I notice the person swirling the glass and sniffing it, etc., as if that is what they are supposed to do. Instead of just tasting it for signs of being corked, and then giving the nod to the sommelier. Anyway, I see that people often don’t know what to do when wine is poured.

Dear Oenophile:

It's easy to see why people carry on so: novelty. It might be very rare for them to order a bottle, and they get excited by the novelty (and possibly humor) of the occasion. When placed in an unfamiliar position, one grabs for the only examples one knows, which are often from movies and television — and so cannot be guaranteed to be Perfectly Proper. Etiquetteer salutes your altruism in wanting everyone to understand proper wine tasting. Etiquetteer suspects there's a subset of oenophiles out there who love seeing the mistakes of others because it reinforces their own superiority. Let's hope the vintage they choose this evening expands their hearts to a more compassionate dimension.

And what is Perfectly Proper? Much of what you describe is, in fact, the correct procedure. Let us say that there is a restaurant party of four, and that the host has ordered a bottle (or two) of wine to be served to everyone. The sommelier presents the bottle to the host, who confirms that the label on the bottle really is what was ordered. The sommelier uncorks the bottle and pours a tee-tiny bit into the host's glass. No less an authority than Letitia Baldrige* says that the host should sniff the bouquet, but any swirling of wine is done in the host's mouth, not in the wineglass. The host then approves without fanfare, and the sommelier pours wine into everyone's glasses. Etiquetteer usually just gives a brief nod and says "Yes, thank you."

What is the difference between what Baldrige describes and the behavior you've seen? It's how ostentatiously These People are doing it. It's a wine tasting, not dinner theatre! One does not sniff the bouquet audibly, swirl the glass wildly (or at all), engage in quizzical expressions, or swish the wine around as though it was mouthwash. Tasting the wine is only a small moment in a much more expansive and delightful party, and there's no point in prolonging it, any more than one wants to prolong crumbing the table. Let's just get it over with and continue with the conversation, shall we?

Etiquetteer wishes you a fine vintage and convivial company with whom to share it.

Dear Etiquetteer:

On behalf of my 89-year-old father . . . "Obviously handwritten personal notes are best for personal correspondence. But once a person can no longer hand write, what is the appropriate way to send text correspondence? A typed paper with a handwritten signature folded in a card? All typed text?"

Dear Corresponding:

The popularity and convenience of electronic communication has made handwritten correspondence a mark of personal attention and sincerity. "It must be important if it was handwritten!" The downside of this has been anxiety from those no longer able to write by hand, for whatever reason, who fear that their sincerity — indeed, their value as ladies and gentlemen — is now called into question. Perfect Propriety demands compassion for these correspondents. Their message is just as valuable regardless of the medium in which they send it.

Typed/printed correspondence, on stationery or note cards (whatever fits into your printer) is absolutely appropriate. If one is still able to sign one's name at the end, or even an initial, please do. Otherwise, why not adapt something vaguely recalled from old legal documents? When typing your letter, add "/s/" to the start of the signature line, to represent that your typed name following represents your signature? What could be more Perfectly Proper?

*Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette, 2003, page 486-87.