Personal Communications, Vol. 16, Issue 13

March 26, 2017

Dear Etiquetteer:

Sir, in this modern age, is it ever proper to put down the pen and resort to e-mail? When many have given to owning only a cell phone, how dare we call them just to leave a message? Being quite old and residing in an old folks home, I'm shocked at what some of my neighbors consider proper. For those in younger years, just you wait for old age waits for no one.

Dear Corresponding Regardless:

No matter one's age, Speed has overtaken Graciousness in communications, especially in the last 25 years with the universal adoption of cellphones and email. A well-turned phrase and a well-rounded period rarely appear to advantage via text message. But humans adapt to changes in technology. We aren't, for instance, still scratching with styli on clay tablets.

To answer your first question, resort to email when expedience matters. Email has become so ubiquitous that it has become Proper. (How one uses it determines whether it is Proper or Perfectly Proper.) When the speed of your communication doesn't matter, by all means write a Proper Letter.

If you are eager to communicate with someone who has only given you a phone number, then you must use the phone number to make a phone call, or discover by whatever means you have at your disposal what their mailing address is and send a Proper Letter.

You refer to living in "an old folks home," which leads Etiquetteer to observe that yes, there are many senior citizens who have not embraced the Digital Revolution of the last 25 years. Whether through Fear, Skepticism, General Cantankerousness, or even Lack of Equipment, they miss out on keeping up with family and friends. (And how many grandparents do we know who finally get on Facebook to find out what their grandchildren are doing, only for the grandkids to abandon Facebook for Instagram or Snapchat or Something-or-Other.)*

At a time when others should be making a special effort to reach out to them, these senior citizens find themselves making special efforts to reach out in the ways they know (mostly written correspondence and phone calls). Besides which, current technology is not always designed to accommodate the elderly. Large, unsteady fingers obscure closely-set buttons so that one doesn't always know what button one is pressing. Designers, take note.

With National Card and Letter-Writing Month coming next month (so designated by the United States Postal Service), Etiquetteer hopes that you will make more special efforts than usual to communicate with the written word.

*Even Etiquetteer, who has yet to achieve the age of "Get off my lawn," has had to learn to text, but it was a hard-won battle.

National Common Courtesy Day, Vol. 16, Issue 12

March 21, 2017

These Internet Holidays just pop up with no warning at all. Perhaps an invitation would be Perfectly Proper?

Etiquetteer has just learned that March 21 is National Common Courtesy Day. While (perhaps tartly) observing that every day is a day for common courtesy, Etiquetteer notes the website's stated goal: "This day brings awareness to how important common courtesy is in our lives." And indeed, the Magic Words "Please" and "Thank you," the Friendly Greetings, and Acts of Quiet Assistance like holding a door make daily life that much more endurable.

Etiquetteer is especially aware of how Service Personnel are treated - drivers, deliverymen, cashiers, waiters and waitresses, customer service representatives over the phone, custodians - and how casually, even cruelly, they can be passed over. If anything, today is an opportunity for everyone to consider how often they do (or don't) greet and acknowledge Service Personnel in their daily lives. Etiquetteer, for instance, makes a point of greeting the bus driver, and then saying "Thank you" when exiting past him/her. In a Nation were All are Created Equal, this is an important acknowledgement of our common humanity.

Another Very Bad Thing is to approach the cash register while carrying on a phone conversation. The person you're with is more important than the person on your device. Show respect!

Track yourself over the next couple days and see how you're doing.

And with that, Etiquetteer is pleased to wish you a Happy National Common Courtesy Day.

Dinner Menus of Yore, Vol. 16, Issue 11

March 19, 2017

Food has been much on Etiquetteer's mind lately, perhaps after having had that pie heaved into his face on Pi Day. So you can imagine how happy Etiquetteer was when a scrapbook containing menu cards from the 1910s was heaved over the transom. As was the custom in those more leisurely days, the Technology* Club of New Bedford held an annual dinner that appears lavish by 21st-century standards. How did these compare to what was actually recommended in the etiquette books of the period?

The Victorians loved eating! Let’s start with the number of courses, which started big, and could only get smaller. No less an authority than Judith Martin, Miss Manners herself, recorded this list in her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior:

1. Oysters or clams on the half shell, or fruit or caviar.
2. Soup, one clear soup and one thick soup.
3. Radishes, celery, olives, and salted almonds.
4. Fish, served with fancifully shaped potatoes and cucumbers with oil and vinegar.
5. Sweetbreads or mushrooms.
6. Artichokes, asparagus, or spinach in pastry.
7. A roast or joint, with a green vegetable.
8. Frozen Roman punch
9. Game, such as wild duck or quail or ptarmigan, served with salad.
10. Heavy pudding or another creamed sweet.
11. A frozen sweet.
12. Cheese, or a hot savory of cheese.
13. Fresh, crystallized, and stuffed dried fruits, served with bonbons.
14. Coffee, liqueurs, and sparkling wines.

Now it’s important to note that some of these courses aren’t served one to a person, but are actually just placed about the table in little dishes between every place or two. The non-sweet early accompaniments to a formal dinner - those radishes, celery, olives, and salted almonds - would have been so. And later in the meal, the crystallized fruits and bonbons. Etiquetteer's beloved Ellen Maury Slayden described a dinner at the Taft White House this way: “Little silver dishes of salted nuts and green and brown candies broke out everywhere just as they do on all tables nowadays, and in every way it was a comfortable, unpretentious meal, not as handsome as several I have seen in the houses of the merely rich . . . Senator Tawney on my other side . . . consumed a whole dish of large soft caramels, taking one or tmore after each course from caviar to ice cream."

How does this 1910 menu differ?

First off, there's a reference to "Martini Cocktail," which seems odd to Etiquetteer since a cocktail was only to be consumed before one went to table**. It also implies that only martinis would be offered before dinner, and you'd either take it and like it, or go without a cocktail. Then, the number of courses is greatly reduced. And last, the heartiness of the menu, particularly that prominent "Sirloin of Steak" indicates that this is decidedly a "stag" dinner at which ladies would not be present.

The 1911 menu is much the same.

By 1914, it's clear a humorist worked his way onto the dinner committee, with references chemical and jocular appearing, "Coffee, Cigars, and Some Talk" being the principal feature of any stag dinner - and, at least for the Club of New Bedford, sirloin steak.

Now, by way of comparison, let's look at this 1915 menu for the annual dinner of the entire MIT Alumni Association held in Boston. This would be a larger and more formal affair than that held in New Bedford, but still likely a stag dinner. The mock turtle soup is a nod to the importance of the occasion, as terrapin, or turtle soup, was one of the two courses that signified one was at a true Occasion for the Victorians.*** Its vogue did not begin to fade until after World War I. And yet there is no Roman punch in the middle of menu as a chance to rest before consuming even more food. Note also the item "Cafe Noir." Those who like clouds in their coffee need not apply

The amount of food served per person seems astonishing in this century, but it occurs to Etiquetteer that the Way We Eat Today, this same menu could be offered almost as is for any public or charity dinner, with dinner guests checking off their entrée choices in advance.

And let's also notice how none of these menus are engraved on white or cream bristol board with gilt edges. And how small they are! They are there to be part of the table appointments, not book-sized annual reports or Advertisement Delivery Systems.

Etiquetteer, like many people, enjoys speculating about menus such as these, but they can only really be executed flawlessly when one has staff. Emily Post used to write about Mrs. Three-in-One who was simultaneously hostess, cook, and waitress, but Etiquetteer knows from experience how near-impossible it is to do that. So if you happen to know a good cook, do send him or her Etiquetteer's way.

*At this time, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology was popularly referred to as "Technology" or "Tech." Since World War II, "MIT" is preferred.

**It's actually still Bad Form to do so, and Etiquetteer has to remonstrate with That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much occasionally.

***The other was canvasback duck. Etiquetteer has not been able to figure out why the Victorians put such an emphasis on it and, later Long Island duckling.

How to Take a Pie in the Face, Vol. 16, Issue 10

March 13, 2017

Certainly Etiquetteer has covered some Matters of Manners that haven't been covered by other writers, like what to wear to a "protest chic" wedding, the etiquette of activism, Straw Hat Day, and how to decline a marriage proposal in public. On Pi Day, March 14, it's timely to talk about how to take a pie in the face with Perfect Propriety. Life is challenging enough without being pelted by Deliberately Aimed Pastry while going about one’s business.

The pie in the face is as American as . . . well, Etiquetteer bets you were thinking "apple pie," but Etiquetteer was going to say basketball, because they were both invented in America. In the famous Keystone Comedies produced by Mack Sennett, an actor named Ben Turpin took the first pie in the face. Alas, there's some dispute about in just which film this took place. The 1909 comedy of sexual harassment Mr. Flip certainly shows Turpin taking a dark berry pie in the face at a lunch counter. Skip past all that sexual harassment to 03:15 to see the pieing.

Politically, the most famous pie in the face remains the Unforgettable Pieing of Anita Bryant in 1977. Ms. Bryant at first maintained her composure enough to quip tartly that "Well, at least it's a fruit pie" before dissolving in prayer and tears.

And maintaining one's composure is the most important aspect of what is really an Unexpected Assault. Should you suddenly find yourself Blinded by Pie, the very first thing to do is to follow the advice of Ellen Maury Slayden: "Keep cool; this is a test of breeding." Poor dear Mrs. Slayden never had to deal with a pie in the face, but she did have to deal with putting menthol in her eyes once by mistake, and that was torture enough.

Next, restore your vision by wiping your eyes clear. Use that Nice Clean Handkerchief that of course you have with you - ahem - but you may have to resort to your bare hands if the volume of pie is too great. Once your vision is restored, establish whether or not you're Under Attack. If so, Etiquetteer will allow your Fight or Flight mechanism to take control. If not, proceed to the nearest bathroom to clean up, and then directly home for fresh clothing.

Etiquetteer imagines it might be tempting to eat some of that pie, but having been attacked with it, you have no reason to believe that its ingredients are friendly*. Use caution. Showing too much enthusiasm for a delicious pie that has been thrown in your face could also create an impression of Gluttony.

Of course Etiquetteer hopes you never need this advice, but it's reassuring, isn't it, to know what to do just in case.

*Etiquetteer is certainly not going to refer to that scene from The Help.

Bow Tie Emergency, Vol. 16, Issue 9

March 12, 2017

Not long ago, Etiquetteer took a phone call from a Dear Friend having a Bow Tie Emergency ("It won't tie!") and it reminded Etiquetteer of that auspicious night about 30 years ago when Young Etiquetteer finally had to learn how to tie a Perfectly Proper bow tie fast.

You may not believe this, but there was a time when Young Etiquetteer could not tie a bow tie and proudly wore (you will really never believe this) clip-on bow ties handed down from a relative. Some of them were really quite lovely, too, but still . . . one could tell they were Not Perfectly Proper.

Etiquetteer a few years ago with a Perfectly Proper satin bow tie, exercising the privilege of "creative black tie" with that red vest.

One fine autumn day an executive at Young Etiquetteer's place of business passed on an invitation to a ball to be held in two month's time. Young Etiquetteer used that opportunity to purchase a brand-new tuxedo with all the trimmings. It fit like a dream after the usual alterations, and Etiquetteer confidently appeared at the haberdasher's late on the afternoon of the ball to collect it, and to purchase a cummerbund and tie. With only hours to go until the ball began, imagine Etiquetteer's horror on discovering that the haberdasher had no clip-on bow ties. He didn't even have one of those pre-tied bow ties on a satin strap! All there was to go with that black cummerbund was a traditional black satin bow tie.

Commencing a fine state of panic, Young Etiquetteer hurried home and began preparations, slipping studs into that pleated shirt front (ruffled shirts had, by that time, mercilessly fallen from fashion), buttoning on suspenders, and then (deep breath), confronting a harried but well-coiffed vision in the bathroom mirror.

People say "Oh, tying a bow tie is like tying a shoe." Not so - when did you ever try to tie a shoe around your neck? Slippery satin made creating a knot that much more difficult. But after about only 20 minutes - only 20 minutes - Young Etiquetteer got it tied in a knot sturdy enough to last the evening. The ends didn't exactly match, but then Young Etiquetteer had just read in Paul Fussell's Class thatcrooked bow tie was an upper class indicator.

The ball, at one of the finer hotels, turned out to be a lovely evening. But oddly, the most memorable detail all these years later was the sight of a man attending this black-tie evening in a tan suede sport jacket. Not Perfectly Proper!

*Etiquetteer, looking more pompous than usual or necessary, sporting red for International Women's Day.*

International Women's Day, Vol. 16, Issue 8

March 8, 2017

International Women’s Day arrives at an auspicious, turbulent time. The Women’s March in January galvanized women throughout America, but more recent events underscore the necessity to continue to speak out against sexism and for Perfect Propriety. And because the perceived value of being civilized unravels more each day in this annus horribilis, Etiquetteer has to come right out and state something that ought to be obvious.

Sexism is not Perfectly Proper.

Two current situations threw this into relief for Etiquetteer, one involving a woman and another an army of men.

Kellyanne Conway has come in for a lot of justified criticism about the way she is handling her position as one of President Trump's aides. From “alternative facts” to the “Bowling Green massacre,” to the embarrassment of being photographed sitting on her knees on an Oval Office settee*, Ms. Conway seems neither Perfectly Reassuring nor Perfectly Proper. But that hardly justifies wisecracks about her sexual behavior, whether from the Internet or from Members of Congress Who Ought to Know Better. Etiquetteer was appalled to read about Congressman Cedric Richmond’s poor ad lib attempt to tease Ms. Conway about kneeling on that settee, sadly inspired by Senator Tim Scott’s jocular speculation about how previous Oval Office occupants had used it. Etiquetteer could not help but wonder if the congressman would have made the same joke about Steve Bannon or another of the White House male staff.

But Ms. Conway, abused, is not in a unique position for a Woman With Political Power. Hillary Clinton, throughout her presidential campaign, suffered many of the same slings and arrows, but for different reasons. In the words of The New York Times, "Misogyny, it seems, remains a bipartisan exercise." And notice the tweets that are referenced at the beginning of that article, posted by women.

Then we have the horrifying news that a Facebook group of tens of thousands of United States Marines called Marines United had stockpiled a ferocious amount of information, including nude photos, of female Marines. Now, it is one thing to swap dirty stories around the dinner table over port and cigars after the ladies have withdrawn; the portieres should muffle any sound and any French postcards getting passed around end up back in one’s billfold. What happens in the dining room stays in the dining room. But it is quite another to violate the privacy on the Internet of colleagues - of anyone, to be sure, but colleagues - who happen to belong to a gender you find sexually desirable. Because what happens on the internet stays available forever. This is not chivalry.**

General Robert B. Neller, Commandant of the USMC, has made the best possible case for collegiality and chivalry Etiquetteer could imagine in this video:

“What we say and do each day represents who we are, and there is no time off for Marines,” General Neller says. Well, there’s no time off for any of us, actually. Perfect Propriety takes no holiday.

It’s sad Etiquetteer even has to mention this all this, isn’t it? Not that civilization has ever been free of the stain of sexism. But women are not only achieving more goals, they have been achieving more recognition and respect on the world stage. So for us to jolt back to a less dignified and more denigrating place is something that should alarm us all. Women deserve more Perfectly Proper treatment, from men and from other women. A woman can be called out for professional missteps without having her appearance sexualized or being accused of prostitution. Or death threats. It's just not necessary.

With another year to go until the next International Women's Day, let's stay vigilant about how women are treated, so that next year's day can be an unqualified celebration.

*And if she isn’t embarrassed about that, she should be. One might be able to do that at home, but not in the Oval Office. And don’t you start pelting Etiquetteer with pictures of various Presidents of the United States with their shod feet up on their desks. First of all, it’s his desk, and second, it’s a desk, not a settee.

**Etiquetteer is reminded of the anecdote about Representative Nicholas Longworth, famous not only for marrying Alice Roosevelt but also for his bald head. One afternoon on the floor of the House, a rival passed his hand over Longworth's head and said "That feels just like my wife's bottom." Longworth felt his own head then and answered "You're right, it does!" Everyone had a good laugh, but Etiquetteer can't help but be outraged on behalf of that Congressman's wife, whose body became the object of a joke. Whoever she was, she didn't deserve that.