Reader Response, Vol. 2, Issue 13

April 11, 2003

On Condolences: Maybe my upbringing was rigid, but I was always trained that one never, ever sent a commercial sympathy card; the handwritten letter was mandatory. As you know, people think they need to be creative, and this need really needs to be extirpated when it comes to this arena. Personal anecdotes aside -- which are wonderful if you have them, but often are unavailable because you are comforting someone you know over a loss of someone you don't know -- there is a good reason why expressions of sympathy in writing and in person are ritualistic and formulaic: because it is all really quite beyond words. That is precisely why rituals and formulas were invented: as code to express the inexpressible, the unfathomable. Now, if we could only bring back some form of mourning clothing to warn innocents that someone in grief is in their midst. Since black is the new black, and is politically incorrect as mourning, I nominate good old gray, white and lavender/dull purple. Once indicating half mourning, it’s now a color combination one rarely sees (therefore hard to be confused with anything else) and actually looks good on most people, regardless of their "season."

On Call Waiting: I take exception to the your answer regarding Call Waiting. Although I agree that one must do one’s best not to interrupt the conversation at hand, there are always exceptions. As the mother of small children I occasionally need medical advice. Call Waiting allows me to rest assured that the return call from their pediatrician is not missed. That said, when awaiting such a call, I always preface any personal conversation with the caveat that another call may come in and I will have to take it. I also never initiate a call. So I suppose I both agree and disagree with you!

On Bad Toys for Good Children: My husband adamantly disagrees with your advice! He thinks since our child is only four, if we don't want a certain toy, we should go ahead and say so! We kind of did when he was a baby and we have an [Evil Toy I] free home. Now if we could just get rid of [Evil Toy II]! Ugh! Even his babysitter gave him a one for Christmas. Now she is so sick of the boys fighting with them she doesn't want our son to bring his when he goes to her house. It's a fine line parents have to walk when it comes to appropriate toys! Etiquetteer responds: That’s true, but your husband needs to remember that nobody cares what you want or how you feel.

On Etiquette Books: I suppose for some of us (and I daresay we are a particular crew), one is loyal to one's "first" etiquette book. For me, Amy Vanderbilt's Etiquette will always have pride of place. (I speak only of the editions published before her death, of course.) I have read and re-read it over the years. It was my favorite high school graduation gift, though I had of course been aware of it for years as it had a prominent perch in our home library. Miss Vanderbilt had her own way of creating characters. I have never forgotten such ruffians as "the hatless and gloveless man" and "the tieless man." I must confess that Miss Manners is a siren, but in her way, Miss Vanderbilt remains my muse.

On Cummerbunds: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heaven forfend!!!! A cummerbund’s pleats go up!!!! They are for opera tickets and as our ancestors used to say tongue-in-cheek: "Up to catch the soup."Etiquetteer responds: With a certain amount of horror, Etiquetteer is forced to concede. If our sainted ancestors were using their cummerbunds as bibs and file cabinets, one can see why the Brahmins don’t run things any more. All the more reason to forego it for a Proper Waistcoat.

Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer! Click on "Contact" below and e-mail your question for a later column.

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail on the "Contact" page.

Etiquetteer's next regular column will appear on the weekend of May 3. Whether something additional appears between now and then, Etiquetteer hopes that you'll spend a Perfectly Proper Religious Holiday of Your Choice.

Reader Response, Vol. 2, Issue 2

January 18, 2003

On Holiday Gift-Giving: I am writing to request a clarification on the "money-as-gift" issue. Are gift certificates acceptable gifts, and, if so, under what circumstances? A certificate is not quite money and, in the case of a mall-wide certificate, ensures that the recipient gets whatever s/he wants. I admit it is not the most creative gift, but avoids the unwelcome gift scenario (especially in the case of out-of-state teenaged nieces and nephews) and is at least one step removed from cash. Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer will condone, reluctantly, the giving of gift certificates. Heavens, they are so popular whether Etiquetteer does or not! But so often it looks like one didn’t care to make the effort to find a real gift. Odd answer on tipping the personal trainer. He's not an employee but a self-employed professional. Outside a narrow range of traditional professional service occupations (like hairdressers, etc.), professionals are distinguished by NOT being tipped; it actually contradicts the nature of being a professional and in certain circumstances can be sort of insulting (for example, in not-so-olden days, when it was the height of rudeness to tip the owner of a hairdressing shop). I am surprised you fell for the American habit of metastasizing the sphere of tipped occupations. I used to tip my body worker regularly, until I discovered it was very unusual, and only normal if extra time was devoted or an unusually difficult therapy was required (in other words, the session went beyond the normal work associated with the normal compensation -- in which case, it's not really a tip but adjusted compensation). Etiquetteer responds: As Etiquetteer said the first time around, “Etiquetteer prefers to think of it as a holiday bonus rather than a tip.” And for personal trainers it is hardly required. Your comments to the man who got the birdhouse are so-o-o right on! Until her death, I used to get gifts from a cousin who chose everything with jewels on it. Have you ever seen a calculator with jewel buttons? An umbrella with a jeweled handle and ruffled to boot? Then there was the problem of industrial strength perfume! But they were gifts of love so your advice had I had it would have been perfect then as today.

On Lovely Notes of Thanks: Lovely Note Roulette is going to be a lifesaver. My parents taught me to write thank-you notes. In fact, I often didn't even get to enjoy -looking- at the gift before paper and pen were thrust under my little hands. But after decades of notes, I feel mine have become, as you so aptly put it, dorkily inadequate. Now I am confident that my notes, as heartfelt as ever, will be all the lovelier for your help. Are you saying, then, that it would be appropriate for me to send your response to all those deadbeats out there as a not so subtle hint that I am awaiting a suitable arrangement of responses generated by Lovely Note Roulette? Etiquetteer responds: No, but you could forward that column saying that you’ve been getting this terribly amusing etiquette column and perhaps they’d enjoy receiving it every week as much as you do . . . ;-)

On Etiquetteer: Thanks so much for you thoughtful reminders about the real meaning of the holidays. I, for one, appreciate that you take the time to reflect and shareyour thoughts on matters of such importance, which often are ignored in therush of the holidays.

Etiquetteer is the first e-mail I read on Monday morning!

Certainly you don't lay awake at night conjuring up these atrocities ofetiquette misdemeanors? The language is great; the messages are well-taken, and the references are scholarly.

Etiquetteer responds: Thank you for your kind words! As others have asked as well, Etiquetteer will admit that every question published in the column has come from a reader. Except one, the question about singing the National Anthem in church, which is one of Etiquetteer’s hot-button issues (and Etiquetteer knows that the church in question has blithely continued to ignore it, leaving Etiquetteer to praise Freedom of Speech as well as Freedom of Religion.)

On the Things on Dining Room Tables: Actually, the faint presence of slightly (emphasis on faint and slightly) pinkish marks on fine linen is a hallmark of long and loving use, like the patina on sterling flatware and the stains on chargers; the petty bourgeois thing is to try to keep these things ever-new . . .

Etiquetteer responds: Then Etiquetteer will have to admit to enough petty bourgeoiserie not to want to air his dirty laundry before guests . . .

***

Where, for heavens sake, does one find a replacement service for ancient glassware?

Etiquetteer responds: Not to get into the whole product endorsement thing,but www.replacements.com has gotten Etiquetteer out of a couple scrapes in the past.

***

I have just been gifted with a wonderful hostess gift that I have never thought about giving: a dozen very nice, cream-colored tapers. They were not gift wrapped, though tied with a lovely satin ribbon so I could see what was inside and not be obligated to open, ooh, and ahh. Since I adore lighting tall candles, this is a most welcome present as they are, of course, of the highest quality.

Etiquetteer responds: How delightful that you, like Etiquetteer, know only the very best people! Your guest obviously discerned your personal preference and acted accordingly.

On Politically Correct Speech: Ye gads, Etiquetteer, how dast you refer to a sightless person as "that poor miserable blind wretch" who was brave enough to attend the theatre? You surely must flinch as you re-read that reply. Or you should. I'm not objecting to the word “blind.” It's the poor, miserable wretch, terms that I save for l8th-Century references.

Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer is sufficiently chastened to hang his head for a moment, even though “poor miserable blind wretch" was an accurate description of the theatergoer. Perhaps it would have been more sensitive to describe him as “wretched” instead of call him a wretch.

That said, Etiquetteer adores the 18th Century, except for the plumbing, sexism, religious intolerance, health care, economic injustice, and corsets. Language was certainly more colorful then, and one does get mighty frustrated with the sanctimonious ostentation of bloodless "correct" terms like "visually-impaired" or "mobility-impaired.”

ETIQUETTEER, Encouraging Perfect Propriety in an Imperfect WorldTo subscribe: rbdimmick@earthlink.netTo unsubscribe: rbdimmick@earthlink.netTo submit questions: rbdimmick@earthlink.netCopyright 2002, 2003 by Robert B. Dimmick

Summer, Vol. 1, Issue 6

June 19, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

Is it inappropriate for a male to simply walk down the street shirtless? There are universally accepted situations in which this is appropriate (e.g., the beach, basketball, volleyball or any infinite number of other sports, going out running/jogging), but is it appropriate -- even on a hot, humid day -- just to walk through Harvard Square barechested, regardless of physique?

Dear “I’m So Beautiful Everyone Wants to Look at Me:”

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to get over yourself. It is inappropriate for a gentleman to walk down the street shirtless. Sadly to Etiquetteer, not all men understand that they are supposed to be gentlemen -- especially men who’ve spent all winter at the gym pumping, pumping, pumping, and don’t care about anything but preening and posing before the world. They are wrong. They must be educated that the sight of their torsos on the public streets, whether fit or flabby, pierced or pristine, is inappropriate. Stop it at once, or Etiquetteer, wearing a flawlessly cut seersucker suit to deflect the rays of the sun, will handcuff you to a haberdasher.

Dear Etiquetteer:

July 4th is almost here, and I am trying to prepare for a situation that came up at our church before, namely playing “The Star-Spangled Banner” during the church service. This song glorifies images of war and violence, which do not have a place in a house of worship. Several of us in the congregation would prefer “America the Beautiful” instead, which celebrates the natural beauty of our country. Nobody’s come to blows over this, but opinions are sharply divided.

Dear Musical Militant:

Etiquetteer would like to remind you that the United States of America permits freedom of religion, a freedom not enjoyed by millions of people around the world. Etiquetteer considers it a necessary gesture of gratitude for churchgoers to include the national anthem in services near Independence Day, whether that national anthem is “The Star-Spangled Banner,” “America the Beautiful,” or “Old McDonald Had a Farm.” Until such a time as legislation changes the national anthem to another song, you’re stuck with the rockets' red glare and the bombs bursting in air.

That said, Etiquetteer sees nothing wrong with following the national anthem with “America the Beautiful,” which ought to accommodate everyone. And if you don’t wish to sing “The Star-Spangled Banner,” just close your eyes and think of England.

Dear Etiquetteer:

As we rapidly approach the first anniversary of the September 11 tragedy, I must ask how one should deal with one’s neighbors who insist on hanging their American flag out of their window like a musty bed sheet? I don’t want to be too harsh, and have subscribed to the principle that discretion is the better part of valor, up to this point, fearing that they may have lost a loved one or colleague in the attacks. We, as a nation, desperately need a refresher on proper flag etiquette and the proper place for flags, poles, and bunting. We look to the Etiquetteer for guidance.

Dear Flagwaver:

Since we are even more rapidly approaching another date on which Our Flag is displayed prominently, Independence Day, this is an appropriate time to discuss How to Wave Your Flag. First of all, you appear to be mistaking your neighbor’s flag for a matador’s cape. It’s important to see the white and blue as well as the red. Deal with this by displaying your own flag, using one of those handy brackets from the hardware store to affix it to your front door or window. This appears neither more nor less proper than the way you describe your neighbor’s display, as long as you both keep the flag from touching the ground, and take it in at night unless it’s directly lit. Indeed, Etiquetteer has seen several households hang the flag inside their front windows, although it does give a more collegiate appearance.

As you continue to observe the less-than-Martha-quality flag next door, Etiquetteer encourages you to reflect on the nature of freedom.

Food and Restaurants, Vol. 1, Issue 2

May 24, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

Exactly how do you eat an artichoke?

Dear Artie:

The soignée second wife of a high school friend of Etiquetteer’s parents (how’s that for six degrees of separation?) once described the artichoke as the perfect conversation food. Mostly, Etiquetteer suspects, because there’s no way you can rush through it.

Your basic steamed artichoke, as served by the soignee second wife, is served individually with a small dish of sauce (The New York Times Cookbook recommends hollandaise or mousseline sauce or plain melted butter) and a larger dish for the discarded leaves. Delicately pluck one artichoke leaf at a time, dip it into the sauce, and scrape the meat off the bottom of the leaf with your teeth, closing your lips over your teeth; then discard the leaf daintily into the bowl. When you can look into the heart of the artichoke, you may drink your Margo Channing memorial martini. (By then it should be time for the soup course.) Throughout this joyous ritual, please refrain from showy gestures of the hands. Let your conversation distinguish you! Nobody wants to look at your scraped-up leaves too closely anyway.

And speaking of wives, Frank Case of the Algonquin Hotel took his fun-loving first wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan, where she asked for an artichoke, since she’d never eaten one. They were very expensive then, and it was all he could afford to feed her. “‘I’m glad we had these,’ she said happily, when she had finished scraping away at the bristly delicacy. ‘Now I know one thing I don’t want any of when we get rich.’” Let this be a lesson to you, O Seeker of Artichokes.

[This charming anecdote from Margaret Case Harriman’s Blessed Are the Debonair, used without permission. Rush off to your local library for a copy at once; it’s a wonderful read.]

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was just brunching with a friend at a nice restaurant, and I had to ask: "Can I eat bacon with my fingers"? He said that, yes, it was permitted according to his source and that, in fact, it was also permitted to eat asparagus with ones fingers (and I've also heard that fried chicken is OK). Who knew!

Dear Handy:

Well, Etiquetteer did, but he credits that to a Southern upbringing. Yankees eat fried chicken with their fingers only at picnics, not at the dinner table. While technically proper to eat asparagus with the fingers, Etiquetteer advises caution. Badly prepared asparagus can appear both limp and stringy, not conducive to being eaten with the fingers. Etiquetteer has been reduced to looking like a complete fool by pulpy asparagus. Proceed at your peril.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Here's my dilemma. I was recently having dinner at a nice restaurant with three friends. One of my friends had a cell phone and received a call just as we were starting our cocktails. My friend talked on his phone for about a minute and I felt quite annoyed. About half an hour later, while we were enjoying our meals, he received another call and proceeded to talk for almost five minutes. When this call finished I felt extremely annoyed and asked him to switch his phone off so that we could have a peaceful dinner. He did agree to switch the phone off but he seemed annoyed that I had asked him to do this.

How should I have handled this situation?

Dear Concerned:

It doesn’t matter how “nice” the restaurant is, it isn’t the right place for a cell phone. Indeed, Etiquetteer once went to a restaurant where the menu stated “Cell phones will be confiscated and destroyed.” Etiquetteer hopes they had the courage to enforce it when necessary.

You acted admirably in rebuking your friend in a non-confrontational way, but Etiquetteer would think twice before dining out with him/her again. Clearly he or she prefers to be with other people.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I just got back from vacation in Vegas and LA and I have a question about tipping. Who? Obviously waitstaff and cab drivers, but at bigger hotels there are all kinds of other people who do stuff for you and I'm not sure about the policy. I had a bellboy fetch me a FedEx envelope and I tipped him; was it expected?

How much? I always tip 20% at restaurants, but usually only give a cab driver a dollar or so. Do cabbies get a percentage? I was told that bellhops get a "buck a bag" is this correct? Same for skycaps?

Your advice on this matter would be most appreciated.

Dear Tippi:

Etiquetteer deplores tipping. It ill becomes a free people created equal to rely on this 18th-century system of income. But like another flawed financial system, Social Security, it’s here to stay and there is precious little we can do about it -- especially since so many of these free people created equal can’t wait to get tipped.

You are correct that bellboys and skycaps are tipped a dollar a bag, but not a dollar per FedEx envelope. A tip of $1.00 is sufficient on those occasions when a hotel staff member has to run an errand to your room. Don’t forget the housemaid who has to clean around your sodden towels and empty beer bottles! She gets $1.00 per day. It’s a nice touch to leave her tip in an envelope, so it isn’t confused with your collection of crumpled singles. And permit Etiquetteer to encourage you to start carrying those Sacajawea golden dollars for speedy tipping -- saves you the hassle of having to fish out your wallet while the man stands there waiting.

Etiquetteer tips cabbies ten percent, but no less than $1.00. As to restaurants, Etiquetteer tips 15%. Don’t let the waiter tell you 20% to keep up with inflation. The reason a tip is a percentage in the first place is to keep up with inflation.

Etiquetteer, by the way, is unafraid and unashamed not to tip or to tip below the standard if the service is unacceptable. If the waiter hands you a cold entree and a 20-minute wait for the check, if the cabbie has no clue where you’re going and no control over his temper or his radio, you are within your rights to make your displeasure known through the size of the tip you leave (or don’t).

Dear Etiquetteer:

Nashville, Tennessee, has a restaurant with a problem I've never encountered before. This is a popular chain restaurant - rather upscale - where there is a really bad server. On one occasion, this woman subtracted her tip from the change and vanished off the earth. On leaving, the manager cheerily asked if we enjoyed our meal. Not being shy I replied that I was irritated with this action; furthermore, if the woman had been smart, she would have let me put down the tip since I always leave at least 20% and she had taken only 10%. Another time, I was there with a companion for coffee. The tab came to $7. My friend put down a $20 and got $3 change! We had to wait a goodly time for another server to find her. She denied getting the twenty; however, we both stood our ground so when she pulled out her money there was one lone twenty in the stack! When one speaks to management about this, both times the man wanted to call her to the lobby and confront her. We did not desire to make a scene as we felt it was no longer our problem. Now, when asked where to be seated, we say anywhere except Jennifer's table! Another server says that they won't fire her because her husband is the head chef!

This is a very popular neighorhood spot and we are all at a loss as to what to do about the problem. We feel that newcomers to the restaurant should be protected as well but we hate to act so ugly. Any ideas?

Dear Outraged:

Goodness! Restaurant nepotism; this could almost be the first Adams Administration . . .

Etiquetteer enjoins you from blowing a gasket over this unscrupulous waitress. (Etiquetteer doesn’t care for the term “server;” an editor friend of Etiquetteer’s once memorably said “There are two sexes, and you are expected to know the difference.” “Waiter” or “waitress” at least sound less robotic.)

You are correct to avoid a confrontation, whether it’s overseen by the manager or not. Etiquetteer is unsure of just what you mean by protecting newcomers, short of handing out fliers in front of the restaurant like embittered picketers. This unpleasant issue needn’t consume that much energy. Continue to sit at any table but hers. If you feel the situation is not getting any better, your only option is to protest with your dollars, dine elsewhere, and let the manager know why.

Public Events, Vol. 1, Issue 1

May 19, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:Recently we were invited guests at the Roman Catholic baptism of a six-year-old girl. We're atheists, and at a certain moment, when we were asked to raise our hands in blessing over the little girl, we felt a certain -- shall we say, lack of good sportspersonship? -- and neither of us were able to comply. The moment was awkward for us, and for the parents of the child, who saw that we were alone in not raising our hands.To the question: should we who don't believe even go to baptisms? And if we do, should we then comply with all the ritual requests? Where would one draw the line?Dear Thoughtful:Let’s consider the intimacy of the occasion first. A proper baptism is not a gala occasion, but rather a small gathering of only family and close friends of the newborn’s parents. It includes a ceremony in the family’s place of worship (which may or may not be part of a regularly scheduled worship service) followed by an all-white cake with a glass of champagne. Being invited to a baptism signifies how dearly your friends consider you. It’s an honor.Having accepted the invitation to a church ceremony, Etiquetteer considers it your responsibility to learn in advance exactly how guests are to participate. Just ask your hosts, explaining that you neither want to compromise your beliefs nor offend them. Then you can make an informed decision about whether or not to attend. Once you’ve accepted the invitation, it is your duty as a guest to participate, taking cues from other participants. Etiquetteer would draw the line at reciting a creed or singing a hymn contrary to your beliefs. In the meantime, your friends invited you to witness something very special in their family’s life, and think that you dissed their new baby. Something tells Etiquetteer that that isn’t what you want them to think. If you haven’t already, follow up with a lovely baby gift -- Etiquetteer loves “Pat the Bunny” for baby gifts -- and continue to take an interest in the child. You’ll repair the friendship.

Dear Etiquetteer:

When you get invited to a political event where the "suggested donation" reads $250 and $500, is it OK to show up with a check for $100? No check at all? And what, if anything, do you say at the campaign, to said freeloader?

Dear Political Operative:

Etiquetteer invites you to consider the nature of a suggestion. It’s a hint, a proposal; it isn’t binding. “Suggested donation,” whether used by a candidate at a fund-raiser or a museum at the front door, means “We’d really like this particular amount of money from you.” But as with any suggestion, people are free to take it or leave it.Candidates raise more than money at political events. They raiseawareness among voters. And if, for whatever legal reason it is, you have to list “suggested donation” instead of “ticket price” or “admission,” you will get some guests who don’t take the suggestion. Welcome them with open arms and your biggest smile. All you have to say is “I’m counting on your support in the voting booth.”

Dear Etiquetteer:

While generally not acknowledged, it is generally accepted that when a soon-to-be married couple develops the guest list for their wedding, there are two lists: the so-called A list and B list. If a guest is B-listed, the invitation may arrive somewhat later than those of A list guests. However, if a B-listed guest does not receive a printed,mailed invitation, but instead is invited via telephone, or worse yet, via a third party, is the guest required to attend the wedding?

Dear Erstwhile Wedding Guest:

Etiquetteer is delighted to inform you that you have not even made the B list for this wedding. Why go to the wedding of people who treat their guests so disrespectfully before the reception cash bar even opens? Wedding invitations are never properly issued by third parties or over the phone without an invitation sent to confirm. We are all created equal, and we all deserve a lavishly engraved invitation suitable for framing. Brides and their mothers who permit such casual inviting deserve to be showered with 37 identical toaster ovens in harvestgold or avocado green.

Dear Etiquetteer:

When someone is giving a presentation, how do you tell them that their fly is unzipped?

Dear Attentive Audience Member:What are you doing under the podium that you’d even notice? Get out from under there!