Dear Etiquetteer:
My question isn't so much of a question, as it is an observation of a seemingly new trend, that I see more regularly with younger people than with older people. I've experienced it several times myself and this is my impetus for writing you.
It seems that we now make social arrangements via text, email, and even online social apps like Instagram, Facebook, etc. My observation is that once two parties have begun dialogue regarding the possibility of a social get-together there is a bit of volleying of the when's and where's the event would take place.
In my case I've told the other party that I would be delighted to get together with them, and when they counter with two available dates let's say, I return saying "Either sounds great, just let me know what works better for you, and I'll accommodate your schedule." Then the line goes dead.
I've even had the situation go one step further, where the other party says, "Saturday would be great I'll check back with you on Friday to finalize the details." Friday rolls around, and I never hear anything.
So now my query, problem is: is it up to me to now reach out and remind the party they were to reach out to me on said day? Or as the said day for circling back wanes do I then reach out and say "I guess we're not getting together?" I'm just not clear at this point what to do.
Several 20-something friends of mine say “Oh, that's normal, these days. Everybody expects you to flake.” I'm semi-flabbergasted. And I definitely have the wind knocked out of my sails the next time the other party reaches out for a subsequent get-together, blithely acting as though our previous nixed engagement doesn't matter.
Dear Stood Up:
This sounds like a case of “Get Off My Lawn” vs. “OK Boomer.” Time to bridge the Generation Gap! To do that, we need to explore a couple things like specificity and consideration for others.
But first, let’s hear it for intergenerational socializing. Ever since the invention of the teenager around World War II, the generations have been increasingly segregated in their own silos. College campuses, of course, should be hotbeds of such interactions - here we must praise faculty and their spouses who do such valiant work bringing adults of all ages together over food - but we socialize everywhere, and everywhere is where everyone should come together. (Etiquetteer has written in the past about Joan Crawford’s similar advice in her book My Way of Life.) Each generation has much to offer the other - let’s get together!
What’s wrong with that last sentence? It’s too vague! There’s nothing to commit to: no date, no time, no activity. No, “get together” is not an activity, nor is “hang out.” Koalas and sloths “hang out,” and as anyone can see, they don’t do anything but just hang there. Why make a commitment to that?! Something more concrete needs to be added. In your example above, when given two dates you’d go further to pick one rather than reply “Either is great.” Then suggest a specific activity - drinks, dinner, brunch, movie, concert, etc. - and a location.
Etiquetteer understands why people are reluctant to make specific proposals: because they might be rejected, and no one likes rejection. On the other hand, friends punting on these vaguely committed plans leave you not only rejected, but with unexpected time on your hands. So not being specific also doesn’t work. What we need is a Masterful Type who will open the bidding, if you will, with a specific declaration! “Let’s meet for drinks at [Insert Name of Location Here] on [Insert Date Here] after work.” Or “Why not come over on [Insert Date Here] at [Insert Time Here] for a movie night?” Your friends can then say Yea Yea or Nay Nay or counter with their own ideas (if they have any).
You’ll infer from all this that Etiquetteer isn’t a fan of waiting until the day before an engagement to decide what that engagement will be. In the future, when someone responds “Let’s figure out the details the day before,” counter with something specific right away.
People are also reluctant to say No. Etiquetteer thinks people are afraid it implies “We don’t want to socialize with you.” They don’t realize that ghosting people, just not responding after tentative plans have been made, does more than imply it - it conveys it. We’d all be better off if more people felt comfortable saying “Maybe another time, my plans are really up in the air right now” or “Dinner out doesn’t work, but what about coffee?*”
Consideration for others is one of the cornerstones of Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer was brought up by parents and grandparents who emphasized that showing respect for others was How to Get Along, the whole Golden Rule Thing about doing unto others, etc. etc. Nowadays Grandma and Grandpa are more likely to have been writhing in hallucenogenic ecstasy in the mud at Woodstock - not a foundation for Perfect Propriety!** All this . . . this casualness that’s come after has resulted in carelessness, which is very different, and more hurtful. Unfortunately, people don’t realize the impact of their behavior until they experience it themselves - and not even then.
Which brings us to your current situation. Flakers with a history of flaking reach out to get together; you are upset that they haven’t acknowledged that they are at fault for flaking. Etiquetteer wants you to give them one more chance. Don’t say anything about their past behavior, but be sure they suggest something specific, or suggest something specific yourself. If they punt on you this time, write ‘em off. Should they approach you again after that, Etiquetteer will allow you to point out, gently, that they’ve flaked out twice before and it’s left you feeling a little bruised.
Etiquetteer wishes you and your Flaky Friends a Happy and Honored Occasion!
*Etiquetteer recently had the dispiriting experience of having everything shot down. “Let’s meet for drinks!'“ “I don’t drink.” “OK, how about coffee at [Insert Name of Café Here]?” “I don’t drink coffee.” What’s left, “Why don’t we have a glass of water together?” Somehow that seems neither hospitable nor particularly festive - not even with a slice of lemon added. At that point the only response may be “Well, my suggestions aren’t going very far. What would you like to do?”