Dear Etiquetteer:
I could have used your help recently to get out of an uncomfortable situation, so I want to ask you now how I should have done it, in case I have to deal with it again.
I like to have big parties, especially at Christmas, but I also like to streamline the bar and food to cut down on the amount of stuff I have to clean later. This is important since I don’t have a dishwasher. I serve finger food only, like crudité and dip, or things you can just pick up and eat without utensils, or even plates. Sometimes people ask if they can bring anything and I tell them really just to bring themselves, or a bottle of wine or something.
So, I just had a party, and a friend brought a casserole to share. I wasn’t set up to serve something like that - remember what I said about having no dishwasher - and I tried to finesse it with “Oh how nice! I’ll look forward to enjoying it later.” “But I brought it for everyone, to share!” my friend said. She was clearly going to be upset if I didn’t put it out. Rather than make a scene, I dug out some plates and forks, but of course didn’t have enough for everyone. Instead of getting to enjoy the party with my guests, I had to be digging up plates! And then of course I had to clean them all when everyone went home.
How can I handle something like this the next time, Etiquetteer?
Dear Hostess:
If you cannot prepare yourself with a dishwasher, which is not at all a bad thing to have for someone who likes to entertain largely, Etiquetteer advises squirreling away an emergency stash of disposable plates and utensils. That way any surprise casseroles can be served with much less fuss.
But perhaps this is not the answer you were looking for. Maybe you were really trying to find a way to keep people from bringing things you don’t want, things that change the way you’ve envisioned your party progressing? The first step is to be more specific in your instructions. Don’t say “Oh, just bring a bottle of wine or something,” because “or something” definitely includes a casserole! When asked, tell your guests exactly what you want - “Nothing, really, I just want you!” or “It would be great if you could bring a bottle of wine you really like.” And you can add “I have the food part all set” when any Casserole Conspirators lurking on your guest list start asking*.
The second step - and you may not like this - is that you need to handle things more calmly in the moment. Your irritation at having to change your focus from the party to this unwanted casserole**, which came through in your query, could have had a negative effect on the overall mood. That’s important to avoid. Things happen at parties - sound systems malfunction, people break things (including themselves sometimes), the toilet overflows, someone with olfactory issues can’t handle the aromatherapy candles, you name it - and how a host or hostess handles each of things has a direct impact on the equilibrium of the party. Just last month Etiquetteer was sharing the advice of a Venerable Old Gentleman to “expect three things to go wrong.” Not to sound immodest, but it’s good advice.
Parties are fabulous, as long as we hosts and hostesses keep ourselves from running off the rails. Next time you get a casserole foisted on you, take a deep breath, smile, and remember where you stashed those paper plates. Etiquetteer wishes you renewed joy when you host your next gathering.
*One reason to suppress the guest list, if sending invitations by email or one of the Electronic Invitation Generators like Evite or Paperless Post, is to prevent group replies like “I hope your friend is going to bring that awesome casserole again!” The only thing worse is “I can’t come that night. How about having the party another night?”
**Etiquetteer is dying to know if anyone ate any of it - what chagrin for you if it turned out to be popular!