Gym Etiquette, Vol. 13, Issue 16

It will be a cold day in the downtown business section of Hell before you see Etiquetteer at the gym. But should that day come, you may be sure that Etiquetteer will know how to behave with Perfect Propriety. Inspired by Bos Guy, Etiquetteer wants to share a few tips about negotiating a workout in a shared space:

  1. The most important thing to remember at the gym is that you are not at home, and you cannot use workout or locker room facilities as though they were only available for you. All other guidelines stem from this essential instruction.
  2. It's a machine, not a coat rack. Don't leave your stuff about on those Weightlifting Things. Especially don't try to "reserve" one by hanging a hoodie or a towel over it. This inevitably leads to confusion and a lot of tiresome Alpha Male Posturing.
  3. It's a machine, not a barroom. Don't lean all over those devices just talking with other people. It inhibits other members from finishing their workouts. Besides, that's what the steam room and the sauna are for, sitting around and talking. Isn't that right?
  4. Etiquetteer was horrified to learn that people use hair dryers provided in locker room for hair well below the neck - both in front and, in this horrifying Not Safe For Work photograph, in back. Stop it at once!
  5. Conversely, reports of people showering in their swimsuits, or even underpants, belie a ridiculous modesty. No one cares what you look like. The most Perfectly Proper suit to wear in the shower is your birthday suit.
  6. Clean up after yourself. If you're perspiring all over the equipment (and who does not?) or shaving at the sink, wipe it off with your towel before leaving.
  7. There is only one Perfectly Proper place to, ahem, Eliminate Metabolic Waste, and that is the toilet. It is not the swimming pool or the hot tub, and it is certainly not the shower. Etiquetteer should not even have to tell you this.
  8. Give people some space. Etiquetteer recently overheard someone complaining that, in a nearly empty locker room, another gym goer chose the locker immediately next to his. This is not necessary!

And that, as they say, should be quite enough.