Summer Reading Recommendations, Vol. 17, Issue 29

Memorial Day weekend, the official start of the summer season! The time when traditionalists untree and brush up their white shoes, when mixologists turn back to the lighter, fresher palette of flavors around gin and citrus, and when biblliophilc beachgoers prepare their reading lists for the 15 Weekends of Summer (including this weekend and Labor Day weekend). Etiquetteer has 12 books, both old and new, to suggest for a summer of Perfect Propriety . . . or not. Some of them will clearly need more than one beach day to get through.

What makes good summer reading? Well, it should be absorbing, but it shouldn't be too taxing. Anything that lines the brow should be off the list, so anything political is strictly Off the List. And it shouldn't be too acid, which will curdle the lips. So that leaves out Dorothy Parker and Saki. Some spice and scandal, while Not Perfectly Proper, bring a welcome flush to one's cheeks under that traditional coat of tan. The Thorn Birds, of course, remains the pinnacle of a summer novel bestseller; no summer home should be complete without a paperback copy.

So, in random order, Etiquetteer's somewhat Anglophilic picks for Summer Reading in 2018:

NON-FICTION

Citizen Kane: A Filmmaker's Journey, by Harlan Lebo (2016). While this film has consistently remained in the Forever Top Ten of Films, Etiquetteer hasn't been a student of it, or of the brilliant Orson Welles. Lebo paints a sweeping but detailed picture of the oscillating fortunes of Welles and the frantic excitement of experimenting with film in the Golden Age of Hollywood studio system. From the alcoholism of Herman Mankiewicz to the incomparable collaboration between Welles and cinematographer Gregg Toland to the fury of William Randolph Hearst, this has it all.

Wait for Me!: Memoirs, by Deboraph Mitford, Duchess of Devonshire (2010). Youngest of a family of talented and controversial children, Debo Mitford went on to marry the second son of the Duke of Devonshire; they became Duke and Duchess themselves after the death of his older brother in World War II and his father. She made Chatsworth, the family seat, one of the greatest house museums in Britain and along the way mingled with friends and family either distinguished or talented or just plain wealthy (often all three): Somerset Maugham, Cecil Beaton, Harold MacMillan, the royal family, Kick Kennedy and her family, and many others. Etiquetteer is particularly fond of her account of her debutante season of 1938. Her love of farmyard fowl and Elvis Presley have their place in her memoir, too.

The Riviera Set: Glitz, Glamour, and the Hidden World of High Society, by Mary S. Lovell (2017). Focusing on the history of one house, the Chateau de l'Horizon, Lovell recounts the development of the Riviera as a playground for People With Money. Its first era was defined by a then-retired theatre star, Maxine Elliott, who became hostess to Society in the south of France, especially Winston Churchill. Social drama rears its head with any arrival of the Duke and Duchess of Windsor; will the ladies curtsy, as the Duke wishes, or not, since her true title doesn't require it? This period also included the likes of inveterate partygivers Noel Coward and Elsa Maxwell. After an intermission caused by World War II, the English disappear and Hollywood takes over as Aly Khan acquires the chateau after Elliott's death - and marries Rita Hayworth there.

The Outer Beach: A Thousand-Mile Walk on Cape Cod's Atlantic Shore, by Robert Finch (2017). A worthy counterpart to Henry Beston's iconic The Outermost House, Finch's essays, arranged in geographical order from south to north, span over 50 years of the changing shapes, lights, and lives of the Outer Beach. An essential book for anyone who loves the beach in general, and Cape Cod in particular.

The Last Madam: A Life in the New Orleans Underworld, by Christine Wiltz (2000). Norma Wallace ran a House of Ill Fame for 40 years in the French Quarter without getting busted by the cops. A powerful and attractive woman, she enjoyed younger men - and married one after her career ended with a dramatic raid and a six-month stint in prison. The end of her life will surprise you. The Last Madam is also a piquant portrait of the Crescent City in mid-century, when the French Quarter transformed from the Greenwich Village of the South to a neighborhood of glamorous supper clubs, to decline, to tourist mecca.

A Venetian Affair, by Andrea di Robilant (2003). Illicit passion, class differences, coded letters, unwanted pregnancy - these are all elements of the Heaving Alabaster Bosom school of romantic fiction. A Venetian Affair has the advantage of being a true story concerning di Robilant's ancestor Andrea Memmo's romance with Giustiniana Wynne, set against the perpetually decaying glory of 18th-century Venice. Also starring Casanova (seriously), who was brought in to help end the unwanted pregnancy.

Ritz and Escoffier: The Hotelier, the Chef & the Rise of the Leisure Class, by Luke Barr (2018). Barr recreates the excitement of a thousand parties in his account of how the union of César Ritz and August Escoffier made the Savoy in London the first truly luxury hotel in Europe. Who knew that Richard D'Oyley Carte of Gilbert and Sullivan fame was really the owner of the hotel?! Along for the ride: royalty (led by Edward VII when Prince of Wales - "Where Ritz goes, I go!"), the beau monde and Sarah Bernhardt, who said that Escoffier made the best scrambled eggs anywhere. (Did they have a romance while they were both living in London?) D'Oyley Carte's dismissal of this Dream Team in a financial scandal resulted in the Ritz Hotel in Paris, and then a chain of Ritz-affiliated hotels, and then the Carlton Hotel, scene of Ritz's nervous breakdown.

Pretty Jane and the Viper of Kidbrooke Lane: A True Story of Victorian Law and Disorder, by Paul Thomas Murphy (2016). No summer reading list is complete without a bit of murder. "The Unsolved Murder That Shocked Victorian England" says the cover of this riveting account of the murder of a servant girl found to be with child. The arrest and trial of the son of her employers shocked and rocked England, but of course did not lead to improved conditions for the servant class. Murphy makes a strong case for the true identity of the murderer. It's not easy to put this book down.

FICTION

The Pursuit of Love and Love in a Cold Climate, by Nancy MItford (1945/1949). Debo Mitford's oldest sister Nancy fictionalized their family life to put all the quirky eccentricity of country life in the 1930s into these two novels. Narrated by their plain cousin Hon. Fanny Logan, we see the outrageous antics of close-minded Uncle Matthew, the vagueness of Aunt Sadie, and especially the singleminded focus on love of their favorite daughter Linda. Love in a Cold Climate continues these adventures with the addition of the Montdores, whose astonishingly beautiful daughter Polly decides to marry her uncle after the death of her aunt. Amusing and poignant by turns, these novels stuffed with character and characters, succeed in charming.

The Flower Girls, by Clemence Dane (1954). Almost two inches thick (think Gone With the Wind), Clemence Dane's novel of post-WWII London concerns twentysomething Jacy Florister, former child star of Hollywood, visiting his late father's family in London for the first time ever, after the recent death of his mother. It just so happens that his father's family is also the First Family of the British Theatre, the Floristers. Headquartered in a dusky and dusty Covent Garden block, Jacy's aunts, uncles, and cousins fill almost every role in the performing arts - and almost all his cousins seem to be having relationships with each other. Indeed, Jacy falls under the spell of his fascinating cousin Olive, the leading lady of the new generation - but what's really going on in her little bead shop on the street level? Etiquetteer's favorite character is Jacy's Uncle Paxton, the de facto head of the family and manager of the theatre, who spouts off things like "I do not pretend to understand why tiaras should make so much difference to my enjoyment of the evening, but they did. Certain objects are romantic on their own account." The story takes its own time to unfold, but for those who love the English language and Perfect Propriety, it's a gentle pleasure to be savored.

Elegance, by Kathleen Tessaro (2003). Decidedly what is called "chick lit," Etiquetteer just adores this story of Louise Canova, an American in London who turns her life around using a beauty guide found in a used bookstore, Elegance by Genevieve Antoine Dariaux (which is a real book). From an overweight former actress in an unhappy marriage with a wardrobe of comfortable thrift store rags, Louise takes action to make changes, often with hilarious, heartbreaking results. (The bit with the spray-on tan, and her unfortunately sluttish wardrobe choice for a dinner at the Ritz must be read to be believed.) The ultimate message of the book: "Never be seduced by anything that isn't first-rate." And that's mighty Perfectly Proper advice, too.

And the best for last . . .

Valley of the Dolls, by Jacqueline Susann (1966). Before The Thorn Birds there was Valley of the Dolls. Nothing but booze, sex, and dope as we follow the stories of three young women in New York out to make their futures: beautiful Brahmin Anne Welles (is she frigid?), statuesque chorus girl Jennifer North (why is her ugly sister-in-law so protective of her husband?), and fiery, phenomenally talented Neely O'Hara (who first gave her those pep pills?). The iconic film makes the entire story seem as though it's set in the Swinging Sixties, but the novel truly gives the reader a sense of the passage of time, from V-E Day in 1945 to 1970. And what they had to leave out of the movie to get it made! Jennifer North's relationship with a senator, for one, and other things it would be Far from Perfectly Proper to mention.

Theatre Etiquette, Vol. 17, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was dismayed recently attending a show at the [Insert Name of Large Boston-area Theatre Here]. I had not been in some time and two things struck me. First, so many people arriving late, being let in after the first song, looking for their seats in the dark, climbing over people to get to their seats. Just be on time. Very distracting. I've never seen so many tardy people.

Second, while it's an interesting concept to offer beer and wine for sale in the lobby, I found it so odd for people to be walking into the performance hall with cans of beer (and glasses of wine). Someone's empty beer can fell to the floor during the performance. There were cup holders! (and I kept hitting my knee on it). I love wine but can't people just take a break from consuming long enough to watch a show!? What do you think of this?

Dear Theatregoer:

Food, Entertainment, and Bad Manners have gone together "since Thespis first stepped in front of the chorus," to quote the late Addison DeWitt. One has only to think of the orange wenches of the Restoration theatres, ahem proffering their wares, and of Marguerite Gautier with her bag of raisins glacés perched on the rim of her box with her bouquet of camellias and her opera glasses. And haven't theatres always had bars and/or refreshment rooms? Heaven knows they used to have smoking rooms.

Somewhere along the line - Etiquetteer cannot be sure when, but the rise of the widescreen television is likely involved - theatre owners started relaxing the rules in order to keep business from falling further. This is manageable whlie people can manage to enjoy their refreshments without inconveniencing others and carrying out their plastic cups and other detritus when they leave. But when they cannot manage, the entire practice comes into question. Etiquetteer will not forget the story told by a friend in Manhattan of a man in a cinema who spilled a cardboard tray of gooey, cheesy nachos in the aisle.

And of course Etiquetteer has been Wagging an Admonitory Digit these two weeks at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who knew better than to order a manhattan in a Perfectly Proper glass at the theatre! One third of it sloshed all over the floor, and even if he did mop it up with his handkerchief, he shouldn't have brought it to his seat, and he knew that.

As to arriving late, indeed, it's getting worse and worse. Etiquetteer deplores late arrivals; they truly inconvenience everyone else. Many orchestras and other performing arts organizations will accommodate late arrivals at a given pause early in the program. Others follow the practice you witnessed, when late arrivals are accommodated at a given point without a pause. Etiquetteer has a shade more sympathy than hitherto with latecomers, because of traffic. Traffic has always been bad, but it's reaching a state of Perpetual Gridlock. And if even Etiquetteer, who doesn't have to drive in traffic, notices this, it must be bad!

Now, all that said, Boston is much more tolerant of latecomers than New York is. but then, New York was laid out in a grid, and Boston was laid out by cow paths, so there you are. Etiquetteer will look forward to toasting the Moral Rectitude of Early Arrivals with you in a theatre bar, and then not carrying glasses back into the theatre.

Royal Wedding Edition, Vol. 17, Issue 27

Why yes, Etiquetteer did get up before dawn to attend an informal viewing party for the wedding of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle, complete with coffee, scones, and Festive Gentlemen in fascinators. Now styled the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, the bride and groom enjoyed flawless weather and a rapturous ovation from the commoners. Just like all the other billions of viewers, Etiquetteer has opinions:

THE BRIDAL GOWN

While lots of people are going on about Audrey Hepburn and Givenchy (since the gown's designer is the new head of Givenchy), Etiquetteer got much more of a whiff of imperial Russian court dress (that oval neckline, straight skirt, and looooong train) stripped and streamlined by Balenciaga. Meghan approached the altar with no beading, no trim, no fringe, no braid, no flounces, no ruffles, no lace, and no problems. It was perhaps the most awe-inspiring exercise in pure form ever to walk down an aisle, and Etiquetteer hopes more brides will abandon ill-chosen strapless gowns for this style.

The veil, of course, was equally magnificent with its restrained embroidery of the 53 flowers symbolizing the 53 nations of the Commonwealth. That said, Etiquetteer feared for its integrity as the bride rounded a few corners. Where were the bridesmaids or other attendants to steer that thing?

The one thing - the one thing in an otherwise perfect day - was the bride's escaping tendrils of hair. Her otherwise elegant chignon needed to be immobilized by whatever means necessary so that she would not have to keep pushing it back from her face.

WHAT THE LADIES WORE

Really, everyone looked so Perfectly Proper, but . . . Etiquetteer just doesn't like it when ladies wear black to weddings. And you know that Etiquetteer has always encouraged ladies to Consider Navy Blue. So Etiquetteer was scowling at the scowling Victoria Beckham, who was clearly channeling Norma Desmond. And Etiquetteer was preparing to lead an attack from the village of High Dudgeon about wearing black at a royal wedding, only to find out that it's Really Navy Blue. There's just nothing like doing the right thing and having it look wrong anyway, is there? At least Etiquetteer found out before launching that attack!

On television Zara Phillips Tindall looked as though she was wearing a black maternity coat, so Etiquetteer was relieved to discover later that it was really teal, so that's all right.

Her Majesty's green and purple ensemble at first appeared one strand of gold beads away from a Mardi Gras, but the green wasn't, in fact, as bright as it first appeared. The overall effect reminded Etiquetteer of the color combinations of Christian Bérard, so bracing for spring.

Otherwise, dusty rose is such a reliably dignified color for a wedding, especially a spring wedding, and Oprah Winfrey clearly led the Ladies of Dusty Rose in Perfect Propriety.

Doria Ragland, the mother of the bride, and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall coordinated so beautifully in muted green (Ms. Ragland) and pink (the Duchess). The Duchess's large and impressive pink topaz, worn with a dog collar of pearls, made Etiquetteer wish that the Duchess of Cambridge had worn One More Important Piece. Her earrings were beautiful, but unobtrusive.

But really, the greatest relief was that someone gave Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie a talking-to about their headgear. This time around they looked quite appropriate. But Etiquetteer can only stand back in awe of Karen Gibson, who led the Kingdom Choir. With hair like that, you don't need a hat!

Etiquetteer will conclude this section by bowing in admiration to Amal Clooney.

STAGE MANAGEMENT AND LOGISTICS

One of the loveliest unexpected moments of this beautiful day was seeing all the little bridesmaids and pageboys arrive at the church chaperoned by at least one mother (the Duchess of Cambridge). Was that not charming? And was not the toothy page holding the bride's train absolutely adorable smiling over her shoulder as she prepared to enter the church? (Still, it's not Perfectly Proper to upstage the bride.)

The bride entering the church alone, and not on the arm of a male relative, marks a significant departure from tradition, but Etiquetteer endorses it heartily. Indeed, this bride is far from the first to do so. Jeanette MacDonald Herself walked down the aisle alone at her wedding to Gene Raymond on June 16, 1937, and that's only one example.

There has already been a great deal of commentary about the successful blending of black culture into this weddng ceremony and Etiquetteer can only add that the overall effect was seamless. But Bishop Michael Bruce Curry went on just a wee bit too long. When he said "We need to sit down. We have to get you married," that should have been a clue - a gift from himself to himself - to leave the pulpit and sit down, not continue for the length of what he's already said. Oh yes, it was an inspiring sermon (even though some members of the Family were clearly hearing American preaching for the first time)! But any public speaker calling attention to the length of their speaking needs to pick up the clue phone on which he's calling himself.

Etiquetteer will conclude by observing the changing role of the Royal Closet in Saint George's Chapel. In the painting above you can see Queen Victoria, in her perpetual mourning black, looking down from the Royal Closet onto the marriage ceremony of her son Edward, Prince of Wales, to Princess Alexandra of Denmark. This time, for Prince Harry and Meghan's wedding, the Royal Closet was near bristling with lighting for television.

Noisy Children in Restaurants, Vol. 17, Issue 26

Over on Etiquetteer's Facebook page (you are following Etiquetteer on Facebook, yes?), there's been an unusual amount of commentary about a restaurant in Monterey, California. The Old Fisherman's Grotto does not allow disruptive children, specifically "children crying or making loud noises," and they've made it known with a prominent sign in the lobby and on their website.. A group of Bay Area mothers has made their opinion of the restaurant's policy known. Etiquetteer's repost of the article generated almost two dozen comments - pro, con, and nuanced - and almost two dozen reactions. A nerve, as they stay, was struck.

Etiquetteer approves of this policy, let's not be in any doubt about that. When it comes to Perfect Propriety, no one cares what you want or how you feel; manners come first. And Etiquetteer understands that it's shocking to many parents that other people simply do not care about their children and won't indulge or stand for bad behavior from them. The restaurant, though, has taken into account the size of their dining room, the ability of their staff to serve safely and well when access is impeded by strollers, high chairs, and other paraphernalia, and what their most frequent customers value about the restaurant. And they seem to have made the right call; business is strong.

Most commenters approve, though one, using ALL CAPS, plans to take her business elsewhere - a good idea IF THAT IS HER VOLUME LEVEL IN A RESTAURANT. The idea of a special occasion in a special place being marred by noisy babies or unruly children seems to have motivated many to take this view. And more than one reader noted that children who behave well are welcomed at the restaurant. Etiquetteer would rather like to see parents indignant at the thought of their Precious Snowflake being criticized start to think of the Old Fisherman's Grotto as a Final Exam of sorts, to see if their children can pass the test of dining out with Perfect Propriety.

Some reminiscence about parental training in restaurants also ensued, with commenters recalling maternal methods to get correct behavior. In the words of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford, "Discipline mixed with love is such a good recipe." Certainly Young Etiquetteer was brought up to behave well by his parents in restaurants of all types. What seems to motivate so much heat around this issue is those parents who won't or can't instill manners in their children. Unfortunately, those parents are giving all parents an undeserved reputation.

And speaking of training, it's worth noting that once upon a time children ate at home in the nursery until they were old enough to have the proper table manners to dine with adults in the dining room. Etiquetteer remembers well seeing the back dining room of Beauvoir (the final home of Jefferson Davis), where the grandchildren would eat. Finer hotels of the 19th century would even have a special dining room for the children.

Several commenters used a word on many lips today, "discriminiation," and felt that the restaurant's policy was ageist. Diners of any age who are making loud noises must be banished, they say! (Reading those comments, Etiquetteer will have to admit to giving some Significant Side Eye to That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who's ahem Made an Impression at more than one "very gay dinner party" over the years.) Yes, Dsruptive Adults also impact restaurant dining, but Etiquetteer rather worries that setting expectations for grownups might not help business. Policies about children's behavior seem to be good for business, attracting clientele who want a dining experience guaranteed to be free from disruptive children. But policies about disruptive behavior from adults might lead too many Otherwise Lovely People to over-examine their behavior, decide they might not make the cut, and take their business elsewhere. Who wants to run the risk of the humiliation of being asked to leave a restaurant?

One commenter who Etiquetteer can only describe as Noble expressed the wish to project compassion toward misbehaving children and their parents. That is a truly admirable viewpoint to take, but Etiquetteer has to admit that it's easier to do when the parents appear concerned about the impact their children are making. Indeed, the principal reason there seems to be so much dialogue on this issue is the number of parents who take no action and seem not to care.

Wherever and with whomever you dine, Etiquetteer wishes you joy as you gather about the festive board.

Shocking Content on the Internet, Vol, 17, Issue 25

Dear Etiquetteer:

I suppose people get used to seeing nude pictures on the internet, but I’m sometimes surprised when I find a nude picture of someone I know.

I’m not quite sure what to do. I don't know if my friend knows the photo is there or not, or how he feels about it. Perhaps it doesn’t matter, but perhaps he would feel violated being under the gaze of the entire world. On the other hand, it might be more embarrassing if he knew people he knew were seeing it rather than total strangers.

Should I mention it? Should I offer to contact the original poster to ask that it be removed? What’s the least embarrassing approach?

Dear Shocked:

And you thought the internet was just for cat videos . . .

It's worth noting that photography was invented in 1849, and by only 1850 there were nude photographs. This is not quite a new phenomenon, but with the widespread use of the internet in the last 25+ years, it's much more likely.

Discovery of - how to put this? - a friend's Secret But True Self can come as a shock. Etiquetteer admires your initial reaction of concern for your friend's privacy. Before deciding how to inform your friend, decide how you feel about it yourself. This is not always knowledge people are comfortable having, but once you have it, it doesn't go away. You may be more comfortable with your friend not knowing that you've seen that image. And that's all right. And if you choose not to say anything about it to your friend, don't say anything about it to anyone else, either.

You ask for a "least embarrassing approach," and it's a calm one. Keep your language colorless. "This looks like you, or an awful lot like you, and I thought you should be aware of it" is better than "OH MY GOD, is this YOU?!"

Here are three important guidelines:

• Don't be judgmental. You don't know the circumstances around that photo, or even if it really is your friend (the possibiliities of digital photographic manipulation being what they are). Any whiff of disapproval on your part will both overshadow your concern about your friend's privacy and make your friend more uncomfortable around you in the future. No matter how tough you might find it, stay neutral.
• Stay in the friend zone. This is not an opportunity to suggest (shudder) "getting to know each other better." That kind of proposition is creepily like coercion, even if intended to be funny.
• In the same vein, this isn't the time to ask for support of your favorite charity. "Blackmail is such an ugly word," as the old saying goes. And no, the X does not make "extortion" sound "cool," either. Stop it at once!

Reaction to News of This Sort can be as unique as the photographs you've seen. Some people will express Blithe Unconcern, others could be Exceedingly Upset. If asked, you should certainly provide information (if you have it) for them to contact the person who posted the photographs. Be prepared for your friend to ask how you happened to see this photo. If you're uncomfortable answering that question, you might not want to mention it at all.

When interaction on this topic comes to a close, you are well within your rights, depending on your level of discomfort, to conclude it with the phrase "We will never speak of this again."

National Card and Letter Writing Month Concludes, Vol. 17, Issue 24

National Card and Letter Writing Month, begun by Etiquetteer with such ambitious plans to observe it, comes to a close tomorrow. Frankly and candidly, it's going out with a whimper and not with a bang. As with any worthwhile project, daily discipline makes all the difference, and . . . well, you might say Etiquetteer paved the Road to Hell with good stationery this month.

Of course this just underscores the Crisis of Perfect Propriety we're all enduring (creating?). Handwritten communications, once basic because there was no other way, have now been relegated by Efficiency into the realm of what is considered Gracious but Optional Because Inefficient. The situation reminds Etiquetteer of what Marlene Dietrich said about elegance, something about people not even missing something essential if they aren't taught about it*.

Has Etiquetteer sent any handwritten correspondence during this dedicated month? A couple Letters of Condolence (so essential to be written by hand), a couple "thinking of you" postcards, a couple Lovely Notes of Thanks (and more still to be written after a Marvelous Party last night.) Far from the "Postcard a Day" pledge! The particular failing emphasizes the need to create the daily routine necessary for something one considers important. Etiquetteer has never believed that "Oh, it's just five minutes" sort of thing. (If you knew how much time Etiquetter spent trying to find that Marlene Dietrich quotation . . .) Ten minutes, however, is not unreasonable, assuming you know your correspondent's mailing address already. Designating a place to write at home makes a difference, too. It doesn't have to be an old-fashioned escritoire (though that helps). It doesn't even have to be a desk! It can be a corner of your dining-room table to which you bring your box of stationery and stamps.

So, let's not give up just yet, but redouble our efforts in the month of May to spread Perfect Propriety through the mails.

*If you happen to know the source of this quotation, please share. A diligent search reveals much of interest, but not this.

Observations on the Trump Administration's First State Dinner, Vol. 17, Issue 23

Now all the ceremony and pomp of the state dinner for the President of France "is one with Nineveh and Tyre," and Etiquetteer applauds First Lady Melania Trump for orchestrating the entire thing with her staff and without a professional event planner. No less an authority than Emily Post Herself declared hostesses need to know. "It is almost safe to make the statement that no dinner is ever really well done unless the hostess herself knows every smallest detail thoroughly."*

It's been a long time since a traditional U- or E-shaped table has been used at the White House for a state dinner. J.B. West, whose indispensable memoir Upstairs at the White House  provides so much detail about mid-century official entertaining, recalled that no more than 104 diners could be seated at the U-shaped table the Trumans used. Jacqueline Kennedy introduced round tables to accommodate more people in the State Dining Room; subsequent administrations introduced tents to seat even more people.

Frankly and candldly, Etiquetteer likes this return to the smaller (read: less than 200) state dinner (though Etiquetteer would have done so without eliminating an entire political party from the guest list). But those tables looked crowded, place settlings jostling each other for elbow room. The etiquette experts of yore used to insist on 18 inches between place settings, but for a 60" or 72" round table you might only fit four people using that rule. Still, the tables looked uncomfortably squeezed.

Previous administrations have obscured what is unique about the White House with special effects, often colored and/or patterned lights, perspex chairs, or rented equipment such as china. As Etiquetteer has said so often before, the White House only needs to look like itself - not, say, a casino or a cruise ship - because there's nothing else like it. While the pinspotting of the table centerpieces and the uplighting around the walls of the State Dining Room might be considered theatrical, those all-white lights enhanced rather than obscured the room. The one light missing was one on the Healy portrait of President Lincoln over the mantel. (That said, Etiquetteer longs for the return of pink silk candleshades - so flattering to complexions.)

All that white light (and the beautiful all-white floral arrangements) emphasized the heavy gold bands of the Clinton china and the glasses with heavy gold borders. All that gold is very on-brand for the Trumps, but what Etiquetteer noticed more was the absence of red and blue. The United States and France share national colors, but in France it's worth noting that white was the color chosen by the royalists. At some point early in the French Revolution, the royalists would declare themselves by fixing their tricolor cockades so only the white would show. Symbolism matters.

A well-run dinner of ceremony can only reflect credit on its host nation, and its hostess. Etiquetteer will be eager to see how the First Lady succeeds with the next state dinner of the administration.

*Emily Post, Etiquette, 1922, page 184. Quoted without permission.

Random Issues, Vol. 17, Issue 22

Etiquetteer has been clapping his little hands with delight over some interesting queries that have popped into the inbox. Won't you warm the cockles of Etiquetteer's heart by sending your own query?

Dear Etiquetteer:

Might there be a polite way to tell/ask a guest to sleep between THE SHEETS and not between the top sheet and the comforter? That requires that I wash said duvet, a much more involved procedure that washing the sheets.

Dear Hostly:

According to Sally Quinn's delightful memoir of Washington entertaining The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining, "A guest can do no wrong." So once a guest has slept between your top sheet and your duvet, Expressions of Reproach, no matter how justified, are not particularly hostly.

But you already know this. What you want to do is to encourage Perfect Propriety by making compliance easy. And you can do that by turning down the sheets before your guests even arrive, with the top sheet and duvet folded back and the bottom sheet unquestioningly the place to slide into bed. You might event toss a mint on the pillow, but it's no fair clipping the top sheet to the duvet.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was at a party recently and someone asked me what my cologne was. I didn’t think it was proper to tell. Isn’t there some sort of tradition around that?

Dear Subtly Scented:

Once upon a time a lady never revealed her dressmaker or especially her perfume. Perhaps one's scent was considered too much a part of one's person? Certainly a bewitching, tantalizing perfume was thought to contribute to a lady's mystique, and to reveal its source would be to undercut its magic. Nowadays the tradition is made fun of, but Etiquetteer believes a little Perfectly Proper mystique lends some (aromatic) spice to Life. If you'd rather not reveal, you might say "It's called 'My Secret,'" look knowingly at the questioner, and slink away like a femme fatale. (When people ask about cocktails, Etiquetteer is fond of responding "Oh, just the essence of a few woodland herbs and flowers," and that would work for a perfume response, too.)

Interestingly, perfume gets mentioned most in etiquette books to advise against wearing too much. "Also hold back on the perfume and cologne," [emphasis author's] says Bernice Bryant in Miss Behavior: Popularity, Poise and Personality for the Teen-Age Girl, "would you be the lass with a delicate air." Sometimes ladies would only put scent on their handkerchiefs and not on their persons. Charlotte Vale, when given her first bottle of perfume in the novel Now, Voyager, becomes acutely embarrassed when its giver, Jerry, recognizes that she's wearing it; she's afraid she's put on too much. 

Dear Etiquetteer:

Oh no! I was stamping a thank-you note and I accidentally put on the stamp upside-down! Will my friend now think I’m insincere?

Dear Stamping:

Only if it was a Richard Nixon stamp. Etiquetteer had always assumed that a stamp placed upside-down expressed insincerity, but apparently this is not so. An upside-down stamp really means "I miss you," and it's especially popular to place stamps upside-down on correspondence with loved ones in the armed forces. Other meanings of stamps in different positions may be found here.

By the way, thanks for sending this query during National Card and Letter Writing Month! Etiquetteer hopes you're putting lots of stamps on lots of cards and letters.

From the Daily Life of Etiquetteer, Vol. 17, Issue 21

As you know, Etiquetteer is awfully fond of quoting Ellen Maury Slayden's "This is a test of breeding. Keep cool." Because one never knows when one's breeding will be tested. Last night Etiquetteer passed the test, and will share the story here not out of a sense of braggadoccio, but to illustrate how important it is to keep calm and to keep quiet.*

Each year Etiquetteer enjoys serving as master of ceremonies at the annual benefit reception for the Gibson House Museum, and last night's discreetly glittering occasion was no exception. About ten minutes before the program was to begin, Etiquetteer passed by a lady who inadvertently jostled an elbow, as often happens at a cocktail party. Alas, that jostled a quantity of delicious cabernet down Etiquetteer's shirtfront. 'Twas not so deep as a well nor as wide as a church door, but it was enough to be seen by anyone at the back of a ballroom looking at someone behind a podium. Etiquetteer has been the schlemiel before (years ago there was a horrifying encounter between Etiquetteer's merlot and the ice-blue satin pantsuit of a Lady of Unquestioned Magnitude - at least Etiquetteer no longer wakes up screaming), but was now cast in the role of schlemazel.

"This is a test of breeding. Keep cool." Anyone who's ever had red wine spilled on them knows that Time means something in preventing Lasting Damage. The quicker the stain can be attended to, the better chance it will come out completely. Etiquetteer was able to step quietly into the restroom to get to work with some durable paper towels. The result: no red wine stain and a quickly evaporating area of water, much of which could be obscured by buttoning a few more jacket buttons.

But the proof of success was that no one noticed. And that's the key. No one noticed because attention was not called to it; a scene was not made. Etiquetteer hopes you'll never need this knowledge - good wine should be sipped, not spilled - but wishes you well should your breeding be tested at some party in the future.

*Unless in case of a medical emergency. Then some attention must be commanded!

Reflections on the Evolution of Handwritten Correspondence, Vol. 17, Issue 20

Some years ago Etiquetteer read a very interesting piece in The Economist about how the American greeting card industry is responding to customer need for greater candor in sympathy cards for terminal illness. From the article: "Greeting cards must cater to ageing baby boomers, who never accepted others' conventions and are not about to start now." And it made Etiquetteer pause and harrumph "In the old days, people would have just picked up their pens and used their own stationery to write it in their own words!" Somewhere along the line, two things happened: people became less sure of their ability to express themselves, and pre-printed sentiments became perceived as more special than a plain, personal sharing of sympathy through one's own words and experience. Etiquetteer deplores this, but here we are, and something must be done.

But first, a digression. Now it's naive to assume that Perfect Propriety and High Technology can't coexist. Throughout civilization people have always used new technologies to improve communications. Even Benjamin Franklin led the way, using a printing press to create invitations for a 1779 dinner to celebrate the anniversary of American independence.* What's made the revolution in personal communications of the last 25 years so bruising for Perfect Propriety is the long interval since the last revolution. That took place with the telephone (the first one, that is, not the one with emojis) and that was well over a century ago. So much of what went with Perfectly Proper Personal Correspondence, such as clear penmanship, quality writing paper, clarity of thought, the salutation "Dear," and above all good spelling  - became synonymous with the qualities of being a Lady or a Gentleman. Unfortunately none of these qualities have survived in the transfer to digital communication, even clarity of thought. (One has only to look at the comment boards on any news organization's website to confirm that. Also, texting.) And in many schools cursive writing is no longer being taught, as being considered useless for the workplace of the future!

Now, back to the matter at hand. During these 25 years, continued experimentation has led people to find more-or-less Perfectly Proper ways to extend invitations, greet friends, interview prospective employers/employees, etc. - in short, to do everything we'd been doing beforehand with pen and ink. Well, bully for that. But what role has this left for handwritten communications? They've become special occasion communications, almost. One writes by hand to emphasize the sincerity of one's emotions - usually love, gratitude, or condolence - or the significance of an Life Event, such a birthday, marriage, death, graduation, or new job.

Handwritten correspondence needn't be limited to these special occasions. This month is National Letter Writing Month (or National Card and Letter Writing Month, depending on where you look). Etiquetteer has committed to sending one handwritten letter or card throughout the month, and perhaps that habit will take and continue through the year. (Would you like a handwritten communication from Etiquetteer? Please provide your name and address on Etiquetteer's contact page.) Etiquetteer wants to encourage you to do the same, whether it's to send thanks, condolences, milestone greetings, or even Something You Might Ordinarily Text. Aside from the surprise and delight your correspondents will get seeing your mail in their mailboxes, it's a low-key exercise to work on your penmanship and your posture.

*A Great Improvisation, by Stacy Schiff, illustration opposite page 300. Etiquetteer notes with interest the use of "An Answer if you please" instead of "R.s.v.p."

Today's National Poetry Month Haiku, April 2, 2018

What fork do I use?
Start from the outside. Move in.
No, really! That’s it!

National Poetry Month and National Letter Writing Month, Vol. 17, Issue 19

To Etiquetteer's surprise, this year National Poetry Month collides with National Letter Writing Month (which last year was National Card and Letter Writing Month . . . ). To celebrate the former, Etiquetteer will be posting original haikus on matters of manners. Today's offering:

It’s a tradition
A sneeze triggers “God bless you!”
Some folks don’t like that.

As to the latter, Etiquetteer hopes you will embrace the joy of handwritten communications during this special month, for all the reasons Etiquetteer has articulated before.

Table Manners, Vol. 17, Issue 18

This winter Etiquetteer hosted two etiquette dinners for college students, and was surprised by how much anxiety there is about the American vs. European methods of eating. In both one cuts one's food with the knife in the right hand and the fork in the left, but the American method the fork is switched to the right hand to eat, tines up; in the European method one eats with the fork in the left hand, tines down. "What is most correct?!" everyone wanted to know.

The answer, perhaps unsurprisingly, is "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Americans on the left side of the Atlantic should continue to use the American method. Americans on the right side of the Atlantic should learn the European method and keep their forks in their left hands. Europeans on the left side of the Atlantic can tolerate witnessing the American method at table, but when on their Home Turf . . . well, less so. A better impression is made in Europe by adopting European table manners.

The exceptions to Euro Tines Down are rice and peas. With the fork in the left hand, keep the tines up and push food onto it using the knife or a small bit of bread. For those deeply ingrained in the American method, this takes practice.

Some other questions that came up at these dinners are also work sharing here:

If I've started to eat my roll, and then begin my salad when it's served, when is it OK to go back to eating my roll? Do I have to finish my salad first? Bread does not have to treated as its own course. You may eat as much or as little of it as you wish throughout dinner until the entrée is cleared. (So often they are gobbled down before the salad is served in order to have something to do.) Bread is served not only for itself but also as a utensil, a "pusher" to get food onto the fork. But remember not to use the entire roll to do that. Just break off a piece with your hands.

What if you use the wrong piece of silver? Just keep going. If you run out of silver, quietly ask the waiter to bring you replacements.

What if you see someone doing something really gross, like licking their fingers. Do you say something? Certainly not! Their behavior isn't a reflection on you, unless they are your children under the age of 18. (If between the ages of 13-18, correct with caution in public. The goal is to guide toward perfection, not to spotlight imperfection.)

One exception would be if an employee is exhibiiting bad table manners during a client function, such as licking one's fingers or a knife. In this case bad manners could affect the perception of your business, or you yourself as an employer. It would be rude to call attention to this bad behavior in front of others, but it warrants a Quiet Discussion soon afterward. "[Insert Name of Colleague Here], I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I noticed at dinner that you were licking your fingers, which isn't really the best table manners outside the home. Please use your napkin next time instead."

How do you get something that doesn’t taste right out of your mouth? Which hand do you use? Does it matter? "Something that doesn't taste right" is different from a bit of bone, shell, or gristle; it implies that something has gone wrong with the cooking*. Without attracting attention, remove the Offending Morsel and either leave to one side of your plate or conceal in your napkin. Since you shake hands with your right hand, using your left hand for this operation is safer. But if you're feeling particularly unsanitary afterwards, excuse yourself to wash your hands in the restroom.

For that bit of bone, shell, or gristle, unobtrusively suck it dry - don't let any meat remain on it - and then quietly get it from your mouth to your hand, and from there to your plate or napkin.

What do you do with your hands when you're not eating? Just leave them in your lap "like a bunch of forgotten violets," as Willa Cather said in her short story "The Old Beauty."

For a business function, how do you choose which restaurant you go to? Assuming that you are the host and picking up the entire check, consider the purpose of the function and the guest list. An after-work team dinner for 14 to launch a new project might be quite different from taking a client to dine to pitch a partnership.

Is it OK if I “slam” [Insert Name of Diet Cola Here] when everyone else is drinking wine? Etiquetteer is often disconcerted to hear violent words like "slam" used to describe something as civilized as table manners. The most violent thing at a dinner table should be nothing more than a pistol-handled knife used properly.

First, never feel obligated to drink anything alcoholic; pressuring someone to drink is not just unprofessional, it's not Perfectly Proper. Next, table manners should not call attention to you, so if "slamming" colas is going to put the spotlight on you, restrain yourself. But just drinking a cola should not single you out if everyone else is drinking wine.

What’s the most pompous thing you’ve seen at a dinner party? Without question it's the long-winded impromptu speech or toast**. Etiquetteer hates to say this, but no one cares about what you have to say. If there needs to be a moment to acknowledge a special occasion or person to the group, keep it short.

*You must differentiate between "something that doesn't taste right" and "something you don't like the taste of." If the latter, chew and swallow, and don't each much more.

**Long-winded speeches or toasts that have actually been planned run a close second.

For the First Day of Spring

Etiquetteer recommends something floral for the first day of spring, and is just waiting for Saucy Minxes to start throwing Miranda Priestly Shade about how Groundbreaking that is.

Kitchen Calm: An Appreciation of Escoffier, Vol. 17, Issue 17

Delving into Georges Auguste Escoffier, the biography of the great European chef by two of his disciples, Eugene Herbodeau and Paul Thalamas, Etiquetteer was deeply impressed by their account of Escoffier's insistence on Perfect Propriety among his staff, and especially in his kitchens. They even cite this as one of his greatest reforms. Now we all know that hotel and restaurant kitchens are among the most stressful work environments possible. Hourly and less, tight deadlines as well as perfection are demanded - and yet how often do we think of those two things as mutually exclusive! Escoffier brought needed reforms, including worker respect.

The pre-Escoffier environment painted by the authors betrays a wood- and coal-stoked Hell filled with the clashing aromas of cooking, where overheated chefs blasted by heat, slake their perpetual thirst with liquor and pollute the surrounding air barking profanities at underlings. To prevent kitchen drinking, Escoffier devised, with a doctor, a barley drink that was available to all the kitchen staff. None of his staff could drink alcohol on the job.

"Intemperance," as the authors continue, "also provoked vulgarity . . . Escoffier was far too conscious of human dignity to allow such practices to continue." Etiquetteer doubts that he had to resort to a swear jar to get his staff to clean up their tongues, but imagines this might have taken some time. Those who needed their mouths washed out with soap would be taken aside and told "Here you are expected to be polite. Any other behaviour is contrary to our practice . . . " Etiquetteer just loves that, contrary to our practice. So dignified and so clear!

But surely, one wonders, M. Escoffier Himself couldn't possibly keep an even temper in a busy kitchen, could he? "Escoffier was a great believer in the virtue of calm," but when provoked past a certain point, he knew himself well enough to leave the room with a quiet "I am going out, I can feel myself getting angry." In a dispute between a hotel executive berating a cook to hurry a meal, and the cook who finally had enough and threw the executive's plate at him (thereby completely staining his clothes), Escoffier deplored the behavior of both, but sided with the cook, who was working at the proper speed.

Contrast this insistence on calm to produce good food, the best food, with today's celebrity chefs fostering climates of abuse in their restaurants and TV shows like Top Chef where the abuse of contestants is considered part of the entertainment. Etiquetteer is encouraged that so many waitresses, emboldened by the #MeToo movement, are now suing their employers over workplace misbehavior. But change requires more than lawsuits. It requires leadership like M. Escoffier's - leadership by example. In the 21st century workplace, whether a professional kitchen or an office, we need to do better.

Saint Patrick's Day, 2018

Etiquetteer would like to wish you a Perfectly Proper Saint Patrick's Day. Wear your green and drink responsibly.

And if you'd rather not, just close your eyes and think of England.

Random Issues, Vol. 17, Issue 16

Etiquetteer hasn't tossed together a good salmagundi column in awhile, so let's look at some Random Issues of Perfect Propriety.

In the world of social media, it's not uncommon to find that a "friend" on one platform has blocked you on another platform. Yes, this can give you a jolt and cause you to question your value to this "friend," or even to speculation about what's being hidden. Don't fly into a temper about this, or spiral down a Wormhole of Self-Doubt or something. This is not Rejection, or even anything Remotely Sinister. This person is simply (albeit clandestinely) expressing the wish to interact with you on a particular platform rather than on others. And that's Perfectly Fine.

Not long ago a colleague expressed astonishment at seeing Etiquetteer wearing a necktie instead of a bow tie - a rare day indeed! "But you never wear a bow tie with a button-down collar," Etiquetteer responded. But is that really so? Etiquetteer had merely taken this Received Wisdom as Gospel Truth. The search for chapter and verse, to Etiquetteer's chagrin, didn't exactly make things clearer. Etiquetteer's vintage copy of Esquire's Etiquette for Men didn't clear up the point, but made Etiquetteer long for a world before Casual Friday. The Bow Tie Guy makes some valuable points in comparing shirt collars, but his main point is that a bow tie should obscure the collar points regardless of the type of shirt worn. The Bow Tie Guy strongly recommends a spread collar, but the button-down collar gets only a weak "okay, not optimal, but okay" endorsement.

Last month Etiquetteer was so delighted to host an etiquette dinner for the MIT Division of Student Life's "How to Adult" series of events. One of the memorable, heart-warming moments of the evening came when Etiquetteer realized that not one of these college students had put a smartphone or any other Personal Device on the table!

Saint Patrick's Day is almost here, which is a good time to remind gentlemen "of the Oscar Wilde Sort" that Oscar popularized the green carnation as a boutonniere. Wear yours with a difference!

Dirty Diapers in Restaurants, Vol. 17, Issue 15

Etiquetteer should not have to tell you this. Etiquetteer should really, really not have to tell you this. But apparently there are parents of babies out there who simply do not care about or understand what is and isn't Perfectly Proper in public. So here it is.

You may not change a baby's diaper in a restaurant's dining room.

That should be really obvious, shouldn't it? So Etiquetteer was appalled when some weeks ago a Revolted Friend posted on social media a photo of a woman changing a baby's diaper at a local bakery. On a table at which people were eating!

A quick search of the Internet proves, unfortunately, that this isn't the first time it's happened. One dad wrote to Chipotle after his wife made a scene there by changing a diaper on a dining room table, because there were no changing tables in the restrooms. This Sort of Thing has even happened at the White House, as the photo above from 2009 shows.

The excuse in most of these cases is that the restrooms contained no changing tables*. Since changing tables only started appearing in public restrooms since the 1990s, and in both women's and men's rooms more recently, one wonders what people did before this important innovation. Not this! The absence of a changing table is no excuse for using a dining table in a public restaurant off which people will be eating to perform an act that is unavoidably unsanitary. It does not matter how many antibacterial wipes you have in your bag. 

Etiquetteer hopes it will not be necessary to mention this again.

*Reports on the Bakery in Question insinuate that more than one changing table is, in fact, available.

Achoo! The Art of the Sneeze, Vol. 17, Issue 14

A reader took care to make sure that Etiquetteer read this recent New York Times article about how "cough etiquette" has undergone a change since the turn of the millennium*. What change, you ask? The direction to sneeze into one's elbow instead of a Perfectly Proper handkerchief held in one's hand.

And why has this happened? Science, fear, and change. Science has shown us that germs are spread by one's nasal effluvia, even when it's microscopic droplets of moisture. Fear of germs, especially after worldwide health scares, led to the promotion of the new elbow sneeze or "Dracula sneeze." And Etiquetteer has not failed to notice the growing bias against handkerchiefs in favor of packets of disposable tissues, or one's sleeve, which is Most Unfortunate. In moments of High Dudgeon, Etiquetteer often paraphrases Mary Bland in Eating Raoul: "Casual Friday! Just look what it's brought us!"**

Etiquetteer can just hear the chorus of Indignant Readers fulminating against the unsanitary nature of a keeping a cloth containing one's nasal effluvia in a pocket and reusing it. Etiquetteer considers that much, much less unsanitary than sneezing a big old gobbet of nasty glutinous phlegm onto your sleeve, and then having everyone have to look at it, or its glistening stain, for the rest of the day. Faugh! Is this really a risk you want to take? Etiquetteer has seen it happen, and it's really gross. Much better to use a handkerchief or a disposable tissue that is disposed of at once.

Etiquetteer cannot remember who said "The best place for a handkerchief is in your hand three seconds before you need it." It's still true, but not always easy to arrange. But even more important is the message at the end of that news article: “Hand washing is one of the most important things people can do to keep healthy,” according to Dr. Vincent Hill of the Centers of Disease Control. Which could only lead Etiquetteer to remind you of the wisdom of the late Professor Clyde Crashcup, who said with memorable relish, "Cleanliness is next to friendliness!"

*Indeed, the reader took care to quote the article: ". . . the term 'cough etiquette' first turned up in 2000."

**At times like that Etiquetteer has clearly Gone Round the Bend and often needs to lie down with a cold compress.

From the Daily Life of Etiquetteer, Vol. 17, Issue 13

Etiquetteer doesn't often discuss the personal difficulties of daily life in the city, but on a Not Good Very Bad Day some time ago* not one but two Tests of Perfect Propriety presented themselves. Candidly, Etiquetteer didn't quite come out of either of them with a passing grade.

Sometimes the most savory delights of the table are the riskiest to eat, and this particular day Etiquetteer was nearly conquered by a "Black and Bleu" cheeseburger while lunching at a Popular Sports Bar.** You know there's going to be trouble when, as soon as the burger is lifted from the plate, its cheesy contents begin dribbling away. Trouble transformed into a Structural Integrity Issue this time, when the patty began to slip out, largely because the cook had put a slick of iceberg lettuce under the patty instead of on top of it, where Perfect Propriety dictates it belongs.

The most expedient way out of this mess was to remove the lettuce as discreetly as possible, and then finish eating as quickly as possible. It might also have been less obtrusive simply to abandon the bun and attack the burger with knife and fork. Etiquetteer kept wondering what Consuelo Vanderbilt would have done, having learned to eat with her back anchored to an iron rod, her head secured to it with a metal hoop. She probably wouldn't have ordered a burger in the first place.

The second situation could have been tragic. While waiting for the lights to turn at a busy intersection, Etiquetteer witnessed a Young Woman slurping on a gigantic soda walk into traffic despite the Unavoidably Obvious Don't Walk Sign. She made it through one lane, but then was nearly hit by a car! A driver had to stop short to avoid hitting her, missing her by only a few inches. Etiquetteer was enraged - not only that this Young Woman walked out into traffic in the first place, but that she clearly had no concern about the impact her actions had on others. So upset was Etiquetteer that words just popped out: "The sign said Don't Walk!" She smirked and walked on, leaving Etiquetteer to wonder when the Darwin Awards would next be given out, and whether or not she'd be a nominee. That said, it's Most Improper to comment on the behavior of strangers in public. This was one occasion when Etiquetteer didn't set the most Perfectly Proper example.

*"All right, maybe it was quite a few years ago," as Norma Desmond might say. Etiquetteer can refer to it now because the emotional scars have healed.

**Etiquetteer can just hear himself saying "We don't have these problems at the opera," but then there's no Popular Opera Bar nearby with a cheeseburger for lunch, either.