Washington's Outdated "Rules of Civility," Vol. 17, Issue 12

To celebrate the February 22 birthday of the Father of Our Country, Etiquetteer returned to George Washington's own books of manners, George Washington's Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation. While Etiquetteer has discoursed on this subject before, to refresh Washington's rules for the 21st century, this time it was worth reviewing to see what no longer applies to Perfect Propriety in daily life.

Take two rules that have to do with hats - how they're doffed to show respect, and then replaced. No. 26 reads "In pulling off your hat to persons of distinction, as noblemen, justices, churchmen, &c, make a reverence, bowing more or less according to the custom of the better bred . . . " Aside from Sondheim's famous observation in Company ("Does anyone really still wear a hat?"), "persons of distinction" today no longer appear to consider such gestures important, nor would others understand them. No. 27 is all about who can direct people to put their hats back on, and when. Really people, we have so moved on from that.

Hats pop up again in No. 85: "In company of those of higher quality than yourself, speak not until you are asked a question, then stand upright, put on your hat [emphasis Etiquetteer's], & answer in few words." That would be a curious ceremony indeed today!

Then there's a whole slew of rules about precedence - how to give place to those "in dignity or in office" - in speech, in one's home, and even on the street, as in No. 30: "In walking, the highest place in most countries seems to be on the right hand, therefore, place yourself on the left of him whom you desire to honour; but if three walk together, the mid place is the most honorable; the wall is usually give to the most worthy if two walk together." Precedence in the 21st century has become so much simpler: it's by age and, in the workplace, rank (regardless of gender). And besides, none of this takes into account on which side someone's deaf ear might be.

Etiquetteer will conclude with No. 40, "Strive not with your superiors in argument, but always submit your judgment to others with modesty." Umm . . . no. While it's important to know when you've lost, Etiquetteer would encourage citizens to continue to, as the phrase is today, "speak Truth to Power." The trick, of course is to do so in such a way that one's points are heard, absorbed, and given due consideration. That is not always done best with "striving," but with subtlety.

One might think, reading this, that all Washington's maxims were out of date, but not so! The wisdom and consideration of Washington continues to be relevant to 21st century behavior.

Etiquetteer would like to wish you a Perfectly Proper Washington's birthday. Drink something with a cherry in it to celebrate.

Etiquetteer Shakes Up a Colony Special Martini, Vol. 17, Issue 11

Etiquetteer has been enjoying Iles Brody's somewhat florid The Colony: Portrait of a Restaurant - and Its Famous Recipes, and particularly his account of the creation of its signature cocktail, the Colony Special. To mitigate the rotgut taste of Prohibition gin, barman Marco Hattem added a dash of absinthe to every martini, and then shook rather than stirred it. Conventional wisdom had it that a shaken martini could not come out clear, but for Hattem they did.

So Etiquetteer experimented with the Perfectly Proper ingredients and a shaker, using this recipe:

• Four parts gin.
• One part dry vermouth.
• One dash absinthe.
• Pour into ice-filled cocktail shaker and "shake merrily" as Iles Brody instructs.
• Strain into martini glass, add a twist of lemon, and serve.

Watch how Etiquetteer (almost, maybe) did it here:

The result, while perhaps a shade cloudy, eventually cleared. And the absinthe adds a fresh, vaguely bitter note that's far from displeasing.

Enjoy! And as Doris Day memorably said in Romance on the High Seas, "À votre santé!"

The Grand Presidential Party of 1862, Vol. 17, Issue 10

In honor of Abraham Lincoln's birthday February 12, rather than review the hoary old chestnuts about his strict honesty, humble upbringing, and stirring eloquence, Etiquetteer would rather look at the most glittering social event of his administration, the Grand Presidential Party of February 5, 1862. Of the many nighs to remember in the history of the White House, it proved that no matter what's done in the White House, some loud group of people will be displeased with it.

Mary Lincoln proposed an extra-large evening reception as a subsititute for a series of "stupid state dinners" as a gesture of economy and, perhaps, as a way to show off a spectacularly refurbished White House with a bit less wear and tear. But to change existing social forms, one has to be in an unassailable social position oneself. And Mary Lincoln was not in such a position, looked down on (somewhat unjustly) as an uncultured Westerner by the cave dwellers of Washington society. She wanted both to display her good taste in the redecoration of the Executive Mansion, and also snub some of her detractors by keeping them off the guest lists. The President's secretary John Nicolay wrote a lady friend "Half the city is jubilant at being invited, while the other half is furious at being left out in the cold." So often in official entertaining one has to put aside one's personal dislikes to be gracious - "suck it up," as is said today. Mary was often unwilling to "suck it up," but even so her great Washington rival Kate Chase was there, without any attendant social fireworks.

What sort of etiquette problems attend on an official event like this? What to wear is always a consideration, of course, but this time Mrs. Lincoln had to consider how to acknowledge the recent death of Prince Albert, consort to Queen Victoria. Mary chose half-mourning since the British ambassador would be attending, dressing in white satin trimmed with black, and with white and purple flowers in her hair. One account says she wore "an expensive array of pearl jewelry," maybe the parure of seed pearls given to her by the President. Another says that she wore no jewelry but a string of pearls, which would be more in keeping with mourning restraint.

Fashions were also changing in favor of longer trains and lower décolletage. Mrs. Lincoln, by then a matron and what would now be called "a lady of a certain age," would be nothing if not fashionable, but filled in her low neck with a garland of crape myrtle. Even so, there were those who felt she was not dressed with Perfect Propriety. One senator from the West wrote that ". . . the weak-minded Mrs. Lincoln had her bosom on exhibition and a flowerpot on her head.*" Even the President made a couple cracks before they went down to their guests. "Whew! Our cat has a long tail to-night . . . Mother, it is my opinion, if some of that tail was nearer the head, it would be in better style.**"

Grace under pressure, the motto of official entertaining, had an extra layer of meaning for the Lincolns with a very sick son upstairs in bed. At different points in the evening one or the other of them went upstairs to check on Willie, but without betraying to their guests that anything was amiss***.

Grace under pressure also means not betraying that anything is amiss even when it very obviously is. When it was time for the supper to be served, the promenade ended up halting at the door to the State Dining Room because it was locked! (No doubt to keep hungry guests from jumping the line.) Oops . . . but there were no reports of Mrs. Lincoln losing her cool over this serious breach of preparedness. It was General McClellan who had to keep his cool instead. While the steward fumbled for his keys, restive catcalls from the back of the line came: "I am in favor of a forward movement!" "An advance to the front is only retarded by the imbecility of commanders!****" As these were direct commentaries on McClellan's leadership of the Union army, he might have been expected to turn red or turn tail, but he kept his head and his good humor.

These days at evening parties the custom is for refreshments to be available from the very beginning. In the 1800s, particularly at balls, a supper would be served about halfway through the party (hence the promenade on this occasion ending in the dining room). Mrs. Lincoln engaged Henri Maillard, a top-flight New York caterer, to manage this supper, and the State Dining Room was full of enormous set-pieces of food, including a sugar replica of Andrew Jackson's home the Hermitage. So many good, costly, and showy foods were offered, though, that the First Lady endured a lot of criticism afterward. How respectful could the Administration feel toward the brave boys in blue, suffering the field, to carry on so?

So Mrs. Lincoln gave the largest party of her White House years, with the additional burden of a sick child, and got almost nothing but grief for it. But on the night itself, the Grand Presidential Party was considered a radiant success. Etiquetteer has seen so often that a guest's opinion of a party will start to brown and curdle after about three weeks. For Mrs. Lincoln, recollection of the night itself, and what her guests said to her then, may have been treasures she kept close to her heart long afterward.

*Senator James Nesmith, quoted in James B. Conroy's fascinating Lincoln's White House The Poeple's House in Wartime.

**Quoted in Daniel Mark Epstein's The Lincolns: Portrait of a Marriage.

*** Students of history will recall the struggles of Tsar Nicholas II and Tsarina Alexandra, entertaining Polish nobles at Spala while their hemophiliac son Alexis writhed in pain on his bed after an accident.

**** Quoted in Daniel Mark Epstein's The Lincolns: Portrait of a Marriage.

Random Queries, Vol. 17, Issue 9

Dear Etiquetteer:

How can black bridesmaids' dresses be outlawed?

Dear Outlawing:

We live in a nation of freedoms, which has many undeniable advantages. Alas, one of them is not Freedom from - well, Etiquetteer won't say Bad Taste, but Unconsidered Taste. Were Good Taste to be legislated, we would no longer be a Nation of the Free. Etiquetteer considers that a better approach is for the Perfectly Proper to set the Best Example through their own daily lives. Etiquetteer rather feels that the fashion for Bridesmaids in Black is already passing, much as other bridal fashions have. And the sooner the better.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Not long ago at a party someone became fascinated by my perfume and kept asking me what it was. Aside from feeling that the question was inappropriate, I always thought a lady never told what her perfume was. Am I right?

Dear Scented:

Before addressing your sensibly query, allow Etiquetteer to observe that the word perfume is considered "Non-U" but the word scent is "U." You may want to check out the glossary of U and Non-U words for Handy Future Reference.

Traditionally a lady never reveals her scent because it deprives her of mystery. This would also imply that one doesn't wear enough that it might be identified. A Perfectly Proper scent calls attention to its wearer, not to itself.

The question within your query, though, is whether or not someone should even ask what one's scent is. After consideration, Etiquetteer is inclined to say not. This is in no small part because it might lead one to fret that one has put on too much and smells like a House of Ill Fame. Just consider poor Charlotte Vale in the novel Now Voyager, writhing in agony when Jerry notices that she is wearing the scent he gave her. Poor, poor Charlotte . . . so no, this is not the sort of question a gentleman asks a lady, nor is it the sort that one confirmed bachelor asks another.

New Neighbors, Vol. 17, Issue 8

Dear Etiquetteer:

My husband and I recently moved into a house in a small, and what we understand to be a relatively close-knit, neighborhood. In an earlier era neighbors might introduce themselves to newcomers with the stereotypical casserole or pie, but that era has passed. Accepting this, but wanting to be friendly neighbors, what might be a Perfectly Proper way(s) for us to take the initiative and introduce ourselves other than waiting for random chance such as shoveling snow at the same time? Or are proactive gestures considered too intrusive today, and waiting for
shoveling-type scenarios is the wiser course?

Dear Moved:

Etiquetteer was about to say that queries like yours recalled the days of the Welcome Wagon, when the burden of introductions fell on established residents rather than on newcomers. But when you read the history, that turns out to be a wee bit mythical; the Welcome Wagon hostesses weren't actually neighbors, but paid employees of Welcome Wagon International. So never mind about that. Back in the Dear Dead Days Beyond Recall, when visiting cards were in use, it was expected that established residents would pay a first call (also known as "leaving cards") on new neighbors, and that those calls would be returned within a limited time frame, usually something like a week. (And if no further acquaintance was desired after these initial introductions, so be it.)

Etiquetteer thinks you are wise to take the initiative now rather than waiting to be thrown together during a weather-related crisis. One thinks of the English guests of the Pensione Bertolini in Forster's A Room With a View, of whom he wrote "Generally at a pension people looked them over for a day or two before speaking, and often did not find out that they would 'do' till they had gone." In urban environments in can take years to meet neighbors, and then more years to get on speaking terms. What's that Old Joke about the two Englishmen marooned on an island for three years, who never spoke to each other because they hadn't been properly introduced?

We can do better than that. And since you recognize that waiting for a line of casseroles at your front door is No Longer the Way, we're off to a good start. Finding a balance between being considered pushing and standoffish is the real key here. Present, but not omnipresent. Pleasant, but not obsequious.

Here dog owners have the advantage. Doggie's walk four or five times a day will inevitably invite Sociable Contact with Other Dogs and Their Owners. If you have a dog, you've won half the battle already. If not, instituting a Daily Constitutional at l'heure des chiens may create an opening for you. It helps enormously if you like dogs. Otherwise, grin and bear it until you've met your neighbors, then change your walking hours.

The first time you and a new neighbor make eye contact - while you're unloading the moving van, even, or going out to the mailbox - walk over and introduce yourself. Be forthright, but not too famliiar. Invite them over for coffee once you're settled in. Ask about neighborhood hot spots and how to get engaged in the community. Ask about how long they've lived there and what they like about the neighborhood. So many people enjoy the thrill of power when appealed to, more likely than not your new neighbors will appreciate your initiative.

Otherwise, by all means bake the cakes yourself and bring one to your neighbors on each side of your new home. If the community is as close-knit as you say, the word will spread that the New People Will Do.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your husband a long, happy, and Perfectly Proper domestic life in your new home.

A 17th Anniversary Best of Etiquetteer

The end of January unofficially marks the launch of the Etiquetteer website, so why not just celebrate all 17 years with a toast? Thank you, readers and viewers!

To observe the occasion, a few "Best of Etiquetteer" selections:

"Gaping Maw of Bridal Need:" "So many brides believe all they have to do is receive, receive, receive (but not in a receiving line): receive congratulations, receive compliments, and especially receive gifts gifts gifts (but only from the registry that has been shamelessly advertised) and money. And that they don't have to GIVE anything but orders: orders to give parties, orders to buy gifts, orders to buy ugly dresses, orders to lose weight, orders constantly to satisfy the Gaping Maw of Bridal Need."

'Quagmire of Specificity:" "There's nothing to stop you from replying "And a Merry Christmas to you!" What Etiquetteer finds tedious is lengthening what is supposed to be a brief greeting -- "Merry Christmas!" "And a happy holiday to you, too!" --  into a drawn-out discussion about what holidays one does or does not celebrate and why. It doesn't matter! Can't you all just wish each other well without getting lost in a Quagmire of Specificity?"

Look at the Eyes: "Etiquetteer has heard from enough ladies to know that too many men would rather look at other parts of them than their faces. Left to their own devices, lanyards can hang anywhere from directly over the bosom to dangling below the navel, providing too much opportunity for Inappropriate Appreciation. A lady's eyes are not down there. A lady's eyes are not down there. Look up at the eyes, and keep looking there!"

"STAR SIX!" "Know your mute button. Background noise where you are is magnified on a conference call, and has the power to drown out the words of other participants. If you aren't speaking, mute your phone. Unmute when you wish to speak."

"Potential of One's Largesse:" "There's a difference between a strictly social invitation and an invitation to a fund-raiser. One is invited to the first solely for the pleasure of one's company, but to the latter for the potential of one's largesse."

"It's a Machine, Not a Coat Rack:" "It's a machine, not a coat rack. Don't leave your stuff about on those Weightlifting Things. Especially don't try to "reserve" one by hanging a hoodie or a towel over it. This inevitably leads to confusion and a lot of tiresome Alpha Male Posturing."

Gaping Maw of Bridal Need II: "You invite friends (or the friends of your parents) to a wedding for the pleasure of their company, not because you expect them to cover the costs of their own entertainment."

Don't see your favorite? Review the index to find it, and then by all means send Etiquetteer an email to ask about writing another favorite column on a Topic of Your Choice.

A Toast! Vol. 17, Issue 6

Dear Etiquetteer:

Where do you stand on the 'clinking' of glasses after a toast? I don't recall the etiquette rules on this but it does 'feel' rather awkward sometimes.

P.S. The next person who says "let's cheers..." instead of "let's toast..." is going to be invited to attend an etiquette class, in very strong but polite language.

Dear Toasted:

Just as it's not Perfectly Proper to applaud the National Anthem*, it's not Perfectly Proper to clink glasses in a toast - and it will be impossible to get people to stop doing either. These deviations from Perfect Propriety have now become Standard Operating Procedure.

What makes the custom of clinking glasses so awkward is the superstition that everyone's glass must touch everyone else's. In Modern Manners: Tools to Take You to the Top, authors Dorothea Johnson and Liv Tyler allow groups of two or four to "gently clink glasses."  Clinking gets difficult as the length of the table or the size of the group grows, and it increases the risk of spillage and breakage. One sees people at opposite ends of the table half-rising in their chairs and straining to tilt their glasses to meet in the center; they risk baptising the tablecloth. Much simpler and less time-consuming for everyone just to repeat the toast, lift their glasses, and take a sip.

A SIP! It was a long, long, long time ago when one drained the glass at a toast. Toss that back and you run the risk of getting a reputation of enjoying your wine too much.

Etiquetteer much prefers the custom of "taking wine," which requires nothing but locking eyes with another for a Significant Brief Moment, lifting one's glass discreetly in that person's direction, and taking a sip. Perhaps this custom is what inspired Ben Jonson's famous "Drink to Me Only With Thine Eyes." There's a wonderful description of it in What Jane Austen Ate and Charles Dickens Knew: "The custom of 'taking wine' - which called for catching the eye of someone else, looking meaningfully at them, and raising one's glass in their direction which they raised theirs eloquently back - would have vanished by the 1860s except in eccentric rustic households."

One toasting custom that has changed is that one no longer breaks the wineglass to keep it from serving any "less honorable purpose." Etiquetteer learned this early in life, drinking the Pure Milk of the Word of Emily Post (1937 edition). At a bachelor dinner, the groom was supposed to rise, toast the bride, and then break the stem of the glass. Those present were to follow his example and then toss all the broken glass into the fireplace**.

This Splendid Gesture wasn't always confined to bachelor dinners. Theodore Roosevelt wrote to his son Archie during World War I about their wife and mother Edith making a rare order for a glass of wine after luncheon. After a toast to Archie, ". . . Mother, her eyes shining, her cheeks flushed, as pretty as a picture, and as spirited as any heroine of romance, dashed her glass on the floor, shvering it in pieces, saying 'That glass shall never be drunk out of again'; and the rest of us followed suit and broke our glasses too."***

After that "Let's cheers" from your Breezy Pal, Etiquetteer will allow you to follow up, gently, with a Perfectly Proper "Now let's toast . . . " so that you can Set a Good Example with your own Perfect Propriety.

Not sure what beverage to toast with? View Etiquetteer's video above.

*Acts of patriotism are not applauded.

**Dear Mrs. Post, bless her, thought that breaking glasses and singing loudly was as much of an "orgy" as a bachelor dinner was. Etiquetteer raises a toast to her naïveté.

***Quoted in The Lion's Pride: Theodore Roosevelt and His Family in Peace and War, by Edward J. Renehan, Jr. (page 176)

How to Host a Poverty Pasta, Vol. 17, Issue 5

After Sunday's review of Brunch Is Hell, which advocates a dinner party renaissance but with a more relaxed vibe, Etiquetteer got to thinking about how That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much puts together a Poverty Pasta Dinner. Etiquetteer first suggested this type of dinner party many years ago, but it's worth detailing the specifics now:

1. Pick an evening (weeknight or weekend) that works on your calendar.
2. Send an email invitation (bcc: everyone to prevent an email spiral needlessly involving those who decline) to an appropriate list that should generate at least two dinner guests but no more than seven - about 14 people. Include an R.s.v.p. date five days before the dinner date, and remind everyone that you'll assign ingredients to the final list of attendees.
3. Remind non-respondents the day before the deadline that they need to respond.
4. Three days before the dinner, assign ingredients to attendees: pasta, sauce, garlic bread, cheese, red wine. If there are enough people, add salad*, dessert*, and more red wine. (There can always be more red wine, no matter how many are coming.)
5. Be sure to have backup ingredients in case someone forgets. You can't have a Poverty Pasta without any pasta!
6. People will R.s.v.p. right up to the dinner hour. Assign them red wine.
7. The night before, put a fresh tablecloth on the table, set out silverware, tumblers, and napkins. Set out necessary equipment in the kitchen: pasta pot, bread baskets (line with paper towels), cookie sheet for garlic bread, corkscrew, small bowls for cheese, water pitcher, and dinner plates.
8. On the night of the dinner, fill the pasta pot with water and start it boiling as soon as you get home. Tidy public rooms.
9. Remain calm while simultaneously answering the doorbell, texting directions to a lost guest, and opening the first bottle of red wine.
10. As guests assemble, make sure everyone knows where the wineglasses are to fill their own, and draft a guest to fill the tumblers with water.
11. Remind guests reluctant to drink red wine out of champagne flutes when your birthday is.**
12. Receive ingredients and prepare dinner. Wait to put the pasta in the water until all guests have arrived.
13. Guests serve themselves when dinner is ready. Open seating (placecards at such a casual event would not be Perfectly Proper), but couples should avoid sitting together.
14. When all are seated, make the traditional Poverty Pasta toast: "To Camaraderie and Thrift!"
15. Keep an eye on who might need more ice water or wine and pass appropriate vessels as necessary.
16. Encourage seconds if there's pasta left in the pot; you don't want all those leftovers.
17. When it looks like all eating has ceased, begin clearing plates. This will prompt others to assist; don't discourage them.
18. As conversation winds down, bid guests farewell.
19. Roll up sleeves and begin washing dishes. (This step may precede #16 if guests linger too long.)

And that's it! Give it a shot if you need to inject some novelty (or economy) into your social life.

*The addition of salad or dessert automatically upgrades Poverty Pasta to Gentility Pasta.

**Not really. That is NOT Perfectly Proper.

Etiquetteer Reviews Brunch Is Hell, Vol. 17, Issue 4

Late to the ball once again, Etiquetteer just discovered Brendan Francis Newnam and Rico Gagliano, creators of the radio and podcast program The Dinner Party Download, just as the podcast was ending permanently. The bridge between this program and their next ventures, Brunch Is Hell: How to Save the World by Throwing a Dinner Party, takes a wildly irreverent 21st-century look at what is sadly a dying art: welcoming friends into one's home for a meal.

Because, let's face it. people are afraid of letting people into their homes and offering them a meal. They feel daunted by the necessary labor, anxious about the known and unknown food issues that could wreck a menu, pressured to perform perfectly, and conquered by sloth*. Newnam and Gagliano's book is filled with an electric, rowdy energy not often associated with a dinner party (and very rarely associated with etiquette books). It crackles with enthusiasm to take back our social lives from the restaurant-industrial complex! Why not reclaim our weekend days for True Sloth and shift our mealtime socializing to the dinner hour?

Etiquetteer should specify right up front that what the authors are really advocating is an informal dinner party, not a formal dinner. What used to be called "dinners of ceremony" live on only in the worlds of politics and international diplomacy. Dorothy Draper put it perfectly in her delicious little book Entertaining Is Fun: "Formality applies to the clothes you wear and the perfection of every detail of the service . . . " [emphasis author's]. Brunch Is Hell celebrates imperfections and errors. "At brunch, if the food arrives burned or bland, you complain and threaten to never return unless you're given a better quiche, or a refund. At a dinner party, if the food arrives burned or bland, you express sympathy and share a good laugh. Because, hey, we've all been there, and nobody's perfect" [emphasis author's]. Let this sound advice be your guide.

They also advocate for the dinner party as an "unstructured time to do ridiculous things," while Etiquetteer would Respectfully Suggest that of course a dinner party has structure and that conversation (the true purpose of any dinner party) may be about as ridiculous as any set of dinner guests needs to get. Interpretive dance and illegal substances don't need a place at a dinner party. But we all agree that conversation should stick to topics a few cuts above how someone got a refund at a Big Box Store or how directions to the home of a friend of a friend in Tuscaloosa were found.

Brunch Is Hell includes some refreshing guidance for the still-new century. The old mantra "If you want conversation in the foreground, no music in the background" has been replaced with the need for a good playlist to shape the mood and conversation of the 21st-century dinner party. "A musicless party is like food without salt: serviceable but dull." While Etiquetteer is familiar with very few of the musicians they refer to (what, no Lee Wiley?!), advice to avoid using a TV monitor to play music, to stick to one format, and to prevent the guests from substituting their own choices sounds solid.

Their analysis of how to say goodbye after a dinner party must be read to be believed. See especially references to the "twenty-cheek kiss" and the "Jar Jar Binks Goodbye."**

But they also share information that Etiquetteer would have to file under No One Should Have to Tell You This. You don't see Emily Post, Lillian Eichler, or the other great 20th century etiquette writers instructing their readers to clean the toilet before company comes, because it is understand that for Heaven's sake, the toilet is faultlessly clean whether company is coming or not. They would never have had to specify that one doesn't talk about poop at the dinner table, because ladies and gentlemen didn't even think about poop, much less talk about it!***

Etiquetteer comments further on how the authors suggest sending invitations, and some additional invitation pitfalls in the video below.

Reading this volume, Etiquetteer couldn't help entertaining the vision of a lady from the early 1930s at a dinner party of that period - hair perfectly marcelled into rainbow waves, sleeveless satin dinner gown with bits of discreet beading here and here - and wondering what she'd make of this Brave New World. For the upper classes, Novelty is so important, but only within the safe confines of a certain level of amenities. If she was a good sport, a Game Old Girl, Etiquetteer bets she'd switch out that satin gown for a dashiki and velvet slacks (but keep the marcel waves) and unbend enough to chat about almost any topic. But not poop.

Your assignment from Etiquetteer, dear readers, is to read this book, hold a dinner party, and report back. It will definitely be worth your time.

*Let's face it, you are afraid to have a dinner party, and Etiquetteer knows how beautiful your dining room is.

**Etiquetteer recommends you heed the words of Great Grandmother Dougherty: "If ya gonna go, GO."

***The authors may have included that as humor, but Etiquetteer has long been disgusted by the References to Bodily Function that have crept into regular discussion among Civilized People. It's gross, and it simply isn't necessary. Stop it at once!

Museum Manners, Vol. 17, Issue 3

Winter weather often chases people in need of some sort of escape to museums. So a refresher on Perfect Propriety at museums might not come amiss.

Don't bring a lot of stuff. Aside from the fact that it's time-consuming to check and retrieve personal belongings, many museums either don't allow backpacks in their galleries, or will require you to wear them in front like a baby in a snuggly. Keep it simple and travel light.

Do bring your member card (if you're a member). Yes, the staff can look up your membership, but why put them to all that trouble, and why hold up everyone behind you in line?

Don't touch the art! Etiquetteer should not have to say this. Keep your hands to yourself. You don't want to cause an incident like these folks.

This also includes sitting on the art. It doesn't matter how tired you are, you can't just sit down on some ancient stone slab carved with cunieform or something.

Be responsible for your children, and don't let them touch the art. Again, Etiquetteer should not have to be saying this.

It's not church, but keep it down. Your voice has the power to harsh the buzz of everyone in the gallery. By all means chat with your friends, but quietly.

Your need to photograph the art is less important than the need of others to view the art. Be aware of where you (and your camera) are in relation to others.

Etiquetteer enjoyed watching crowds of art lovers at the Louvre seeing the Mona Lisa.

Obey photo rules. Most (but not all) museums allow photographs without flash. Know what's Perfectly Proper before you whip out your picture-taker, and be sure to disable your flash. (Etiquetteer's greatest museum fear is that a photo flash will accidentally go off, and a priceless painting will flake bit by bit to the floor.)

Watch out with that selfie, whether you're using a selfie stick or not. Some museums will not allow selfie sticks for exactly this reason.

Be courteous to the staff. Many of them are working there for love and peanuts, or they might even be volunteers. Speak pleasantly, use the Magic Words, and recognize their common humanity.

Etiquetteer wishes you many Perfectly Proper museum visits this winter!

Profanity, Vol. 17, Issue 3

Last week the President of the United States used a profanity to cast a racist slur on other nations. That report, already contested, caused Etiquetteer to think about the state of profanity in America today. It might best be embodied by these three quotations:

“There is nothing either bad or good, but thinking makes it so.”  - Hamlet, Act II, scene ii

“The Tabasco sauce which an adolescent national palate sprinkles on every course in the menu . . . “ - Mary D. Winn (speaking of sex)

‘Freud found sex an outcast in the outhouse, and left it in the living room an honored guest.”  W. Bertram Wolfe (also obviously speaking of sex)

Profanity gets a lot more play than it used to, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. A growing number of people just do not care about Traditional Bad Words (though a great many still do). For at least the last 40 years the Soiling Tide of Profanity has risen in American culture, so that now most Americans roll happily as pigs in a Mucky Surf of Linguistic Waste. Profanities appear on stationery, clothing, and Items of Daily Life. In the 21st century, use of alternate spellings to get around internet censorship (e.g. biatch) have almost become a cottage industry. Profanities are used in the titles and scripts of popular entertainments on a routine basis. Profanity has become inescapable. Etiquetteer rather longs for the curtain of asterisks that, while not really protecting us from the words themselves, at least protected us from actually seeing them.

This hasn’t just been due to the work of comics who “work blue” (and who are killingly funny). Indeed, Etiquetteer’s first encounter with casual profanity was seeing a “B*tch! B*tch! B*tch!” notepad at a gift shop in 1977, which means it must have been going on much longer. The beginning might be the use of the most necessary profanity ever, Rhett Butler’s “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” in Gone With the Wind. The phrase, the word, so completely defined the situation and the character that producer David O. Selznick fought the censors to keep it.

But the key to its effectiveness was its necessity! How many of us ask if profanity is necessary to the points we need to make, to the situations we need to describe, the emotions we need to express? Etiquetteer invites you, dear readers, to consider your own use of profanity in daily life. While profane words are often interjected in the heat of passionate discourse, might we not find a way to ask ourselves if they help or harm the situation?

What the events of last week showed us was that there’s a little-discussed double standard in American society, a group held to a higher standard than other citzens: leaders. Americans still expect leaders to behave better than other citizens, so that we can look up to them and use them as good examples and sources of pride. President Trump has consistently failed to behave to a higher standard. His comment cannot be trivialized as merely “he said a dirty word.” He expressed an abhorrent opinion using the most debased language. How on earth is it possible to look up to a man who refers to allied nations with a vulgar term for an orifice? And how on earth can anyone who believes that courtesy is important in daily life excuse it?

Does it justify a profane response, as Patti Lupone’s profane description of the President at the Tony Awards a couple days after the story broke? Etiquetteer would suggest that it doesn’t, even though a great many people share her opinion. Name-calling isn’t helping the situation.

Does it justify the press quoting the President accurately? News outlets have handled this in various ways. Some have used the word, others have used an abbreviated version (“S-hole”) others have used words to describe the word (e.g. “vulgar”), and still others have used the word, but downplayed it by burying it in their stories as much as possible. With the means of communication available in the 21st century, it might be naive to believe that “family newspaper” standards can still be applied. Etiquetteer can only be saddened that the national situation has come to the point where a major story about a sitting President concerns using a profanity to refer to allies.*

Freedom of Speech remains the greatest of American freedoms. To Etiquetteer that means that that freedom should be used responsibly**. More often than not, profanity does not contribute to responsible use of free speech.

***
Postscript: Now, those of you who know That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much personally may feel you’ve detected the Sulfurous Odor of Hypocrisy about this column. Everyone knows That Mr. Dimmick swears like a trooper with little provocation, and has since his Treacherous Teens. Etiquetteer is going to allow him to tell you himself about some Instances of Profanity that Did Not Help - but not today.

*A brief article on previous Presidential use of profanity may be found in Rolling Stone.

**Actually, Etiquetteer means that that freedom should be used with Perfect Propriety, but Etiquetteer also recognizes that true Freedom of Speech means the freedom to speak Improperly.

Winter Manners, Vol. 17, Issue 2

Winter - especially an urban winter - can corrode our manners the same way that salt corrodes our shoes and our vehicles. No greater challenge to Wintertime Perfect Propriety can be seen than in the Bostonian battle of on-street parking spaces fought with "space savers." Usually derelict kitchen chairs but often other domestic detritus like old ironing boards, car owners who have shoveled out their cars from on-street parking spaces plant a space saver in the space so that they can benefit from their labor. Some drivers believe they should benefit from their labor until the final flake of snow has melted (for instance, Mother's Day).

Justifiable Resentment smoulders on both sides of the debate. Drivers with no place to park understandably believe that everyone should have a shot at what is, after all, a public street. Shovelers understandably believe that Hard Physical Labor entitles them to an exclusive claim on the space they cleared themselves for their own benefit, not that of others. The solution of a guarantee of space usage for a finite period (e.g. two to seven days) seems reasonable to everyone but most Shovelers, who will be satisfied with nothing less than permanent guaranteed on-street parking and the destruction of their enemies by fire and the sword.

Etiquetteer sympathizes with both sides, but has to draw the line at the intimidation, threats, and violence that flare out over saved parking spaces. Leaving notes threatening destruction of person and/or property on a space saver is bad behavior. Breaking someone's jaw is not just bad behavior, it's illegal and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent. Leaving candy and a cute poem is more Perfectly Proper, but it's still a space saver.

Unfortunately these battles rarely generate enough heat to melt the offending snow. They only char our hearts into briquettes of hatred. One has only to read the comments sections of any of the articles linked above to learn that. And speaking of comments, let's just retire that "If you don't like it, move" idea. That is simply not practical for 98% of the people engaged in the battle. What everyone seems to agree on, including Etiquetteer, is that the city needs to improve its snow-removal operation drastically. Now.

These battles also obscure Acts of Winter Kindness that need to be celebrated and encouraged. Only this morning Etiquetteer witnessed a driver postpone making a left turn to allow a Nervous Pedestrian to cross the street without slipping on the ice. And then there's the man who stepped uncomplainingly into a snowbank to allow a woman with a baby stroller to pass along a narrowly-shoveled sidewalk. Winter is a test of Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer wants desperately for you to pass the test.

Proper Dress, Vol. 17, Issue 1

Welcome to a New Year and a new volume of Etiquetteer! With much of North America shivering in a post-bombogenesis dystopia, it's Perfectly Proper to start the New Year with a query from an Australian reader about inappropriate questions about clothes:

Dear Etiquetteer:

I tend to be more formally dressed than my compatriots (Aussies): where they wear shorts, I wear trousers; where they wear a jacket, I wear a jacket and tie, etc. As such I often have people asking (kindly enough) what I'm doing wearing a blazer (or what-not) to church or dinner, or wherever.

Would you please advise an answer that is both polite and brief, and not too po-faced?

Dear Dressed:

First, thank you for your use of po-faced, an underused expression that ought to make a comeback.

"You can never go wrong with a classic" as the old saying goes, and in this case, the classic is "Oh, I'm going on to something else later." The implication is that the later function requires a different dress code. Whether you actually have something later on is a matter for you and your conscience to decide. Think of this as another version of Bunburying.

Etiquetteer vividly remembers an occasion from the early 1990s when a professional gentleman had to show up at a cocktail party in a white tie because he was required to attend some Ferociously Formal Function immediately afterward. Perfectly Proper for him to do so, but he made it the leitmotif of his conversation during the entire party. It's one thing to answer a question, but another to call attention to the obvious.

Another option is simply to dismiss the importance of what you're wearing, such as "Oh, I guess I wasn't paying attention" or "I always wear something like this." You must be very careful not to come off as Gloria Grahame in It's a Wonderful Life, who famously said "What, this old thing? Why I only wear it when I don't care how I look!"

And it will help you to become adept at changing the subject to something more appropriate. "When I was dressing I was thinking about [Insert Engaging Topic Here]" and then hold forth.

Etiquetteer is particularly concerned to learn that people are questioning what you wear to church. Etiquetteer was raised on the concept of Sunday Best Clothes. While the Deity of One's Choice would not shun someone based on their clothes or cleanliness, respect for the Deity and for the act of public worship is shown by presenting a clean, tidy, and properly-dressed self in one's place of worship. 

But Etiquetteer wants to ask why you find it necessary to dress one cut above what everyone else is wearing. If it involves a sense of being better than other people, you're in danger. There's a creative tension between wanting to stand up for proper dress and also standing out for looking overdressed. Gentlemen like us run the risk of appearing as Insufferable Snobs or the monomaniacal Lady Eleonore Rochcliffe in Hawthorne's "Lady Eleonore's Mantle," one of his Legends of the Province House. "I wrapped myself in PRIDE as in a MANTLE and scorned the sympathies of nature."* This is best counteracted by wearing one's clothes with a modest, matter-of-fact air rather than preening or bridling or showing off, no matter what one has chosen to wear.

Believe it or not, the best example of getting comfortable with one's look comes from a gay novel of the late 1970s, Splendora , by Edward Swift. Miss Jessie, the feminine alter ego of protagonist Timothy John, becomes the dominant of their two personalities. "He learned to dress her so she could blend into most any crowd and still be noticed" at first. But Miss Jessie's gal pal Magnolia cautions her "Ever' now and then you ought to let yourself go more than you do. Don't try to be so made up all the time. Let your hair down once in awhile and it'll be a breather for you."**

Timothy John surprised Magnolia one afternoon in a New Orleans bar, "wearing Miss Jessie's hairstyle and tight-legged jeans together with a camisole top flaring out around his waist, a string of pearls, and silver lamé heels," along with an attitude of nonchalance. "Magnolia took one look. It was all she needed. 'You don't seem like a cartoon so much no more, honey,' she said. 'You been taking lessons from the right person is all I can say, and there ain't nothing left for me to do but pronounce you "graduated with honors."'"

Etiquetteer wearies of people who believe that dressing up, or even having to make any effort at all to look respectable, is too much trouble and to be avoided. They lack a sense of Occasion and Appropriateness. A quiet example needs to be set for them, and Etiquetteer commends you for continuing to do so.

*Poor thing then dies of smallpox.

**But, let Etiquetteer hasten to add, when the dress code allows! Relaxation and Perfect Propriety are not mutually exclusive.

Quirky Relations at the Holidays, Vol. 16, Issue 53

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have a brother-in-law who insists on filling my wine glass at holiday events. I have tried explaining that I do not drink more than six ounces at a sitting because I don't sleep well at night. Regardless he fills my wine when I get up from the table. I understand HE is being rude by not following my request. Do you have a suggested response? I have better self-control than I did a few years ago (smile) so I have no problem just letting the wine sit there, but I do hate to be rude. My husband doesn't like wine and my kids aren't old enough.

He is the same with holding the door, waiting in line for food, anything where the family is involved, he always insists on being last in line or putting someone else, usually the host before him, the guest. When the host says no, the guest (my brother-in-law) should go ahead, it becomes a ping pong game of back and forth. Do we always let him win, meaning the host
goes before the guest, and avoid the ping pong effect?

I need to add that he is from [Insert Slavic Country Here] but was educated in the States (graduate school). He has lots of quirks that we gently ignore, but these two are the most annoying and can really take away from a family gathering.

Dear Wined:

Every family has its quirky member, though the quirks vary from family to family. Etiquetteer ought to know, as Etiquetteer is the Designated Quirky Relation!*

Quirky Relations, like all family members, need a role to play in holiday gatherings, a way to be useful. This could be attending to the needs of children or elderly relatives, cooking a special, sought-after dish; providing entertainment (musical, humorous, or otherwise), tending bar, or even as simple as making sure all the coats are hung up. Before Etiquetteer was the Quirky Relation, Etiquetteer's Dear Uncle filled that role. Conversation was not always easy for him, but he established himself as a Uniquely Helpful Presence with his talent for drying dishes. After every Christmas dinner he could be found at his station by the dish rack, towel in hand, ready to do what he was able to do to contribute to the general success of the gathering. And that is a mighty fine thing, and more Quirky Relations should be appreciated for fulfilling what many others would consider Drudgery.

Your Slavic Brother-in-Law appears to be fulfilling the role of Quirky Relation, but continued Gentle But Obvious Guidance is needed to make his usefulness Truly Useful. Etiquetteer would encourage you to indulge his preference for the end of the buffet line. Yes, it's true that the hosts should be the last to be served at a buffet, but it seems so clear that your brother-in-law wants to do something to make the dinner be nicer for others, and the best way he can think of is not letting himself get between them and their dinner. The hosts might even offer a toast once everyone is seated**: "To Slavion, the End of the Line!"

But you are quite correct that it's rude in this country to force alcohol on people who don't want it. But perhaps it is the custom in some cultures that a neighbor's glass must always be filled? In Days Gone By if the butler ignored your disinterest in wine, that was just too bad for you - but then he had an incentive, as all the leftover wine became his.***

To underline the point you've already made, you may have to begin carrying your wineglass away from the table with you, or moving it from under his pouring at risk of permanently staining the tablecloth. No one would soon forget that! Before those extremes, though, you might draw him out in conversation about this particular quirk. "Slavion, it's so important to you that my glass remain full. Tell me why that's so important to you." Based on his response, you can underline your own preferences, and forge a stronger relationship with him.

Etiquetteer would like to wish you and all your family the very best for a Harmonious Holiday.

*One also thinks of Mr. Day in Life With Father, who famously said "Madam, I am the character of my establishment," though he meant something else entirely.

**Etiquetteer hopes you all are seated at one table, or at least in one room.

***Hic!

Thoughts on Truman Capote's Black and White Ball, Vol. 16, Issue 52

November 28, 1966. Some consider that night Society's Last Stand, for it was the night of Truman Capote's Black and White Ball at the Plaza Hotel, an event for the Jet Set that Truman, rather disingenuously, said was just a private party for his friends. The way he carried on about who he was - and was NOT - going to invite made it the most talked about event of the year. On its 50th anniversary*, let's reflect a moment about what's changed about entertaining, and what's stayed the same.

First, let's consider the invitation, especially the dress code:

Dress:
Gentlemen: Black Tie; Black Mask
Ladies: Black or White Dress
White Mask; Fan

You know what's so wonderful about that dress code? It doesn't leave you wondering what to wear! There is zero ambiguity about it. Unlike "festive attire" or "creative black tie" or "Happy and Peppy Wear," this dress code supplies all the answers about the style of the event and the expectations of the host. Could we please return to the classic simplicity of dress codes like this?

What's also notable about the dress code is that all the guests obeyed it. There was none of this "Oh, I don't feel it dressing up but I really want to come to your party" or "Gosh, I don't have a tuxedo" nonsense. Guests honored the host, the occasion, and themselves by honoring the dress code. In this case, it's one of the reasons we're still talking about this party so many years later. Once upon a time if you didn't have the right clothes, you didn't go.** Etiquetteer agrees.

But what's important to acknowledge about wearing masks is that people are going to take them off well before they're supposed to, even when they know they aren't supposed to. They did it at the Black and White Ball (one at least had a medical excuse - the toxic fumes from the glue inside the mask were about to make him faint), and they've certainly done it at every costume party Etiquetteer has ever attended. C'est tant pis. But Etiquetteer will admit to enjoying a Big Unmasking at Midnight. In the words of Zippy the Pinhead, "Frivolity is a stern taskmaster."

You know what else Etiquetteer likes at midnight, especially at a ball or late party? Midnight supper! Truman was excited to serve the Plaza's famous chicken hash at his ball, in keeping with the tradition that a supper should be both simple and good. The late Deborah Mitford, Duchess of Devonshire, in her wonderful memoir Wait for Me!, recalled her mother departing from tradition at her debutante ball and serving kedgeree (a breakfast casserole) instead of everyone else's chicken a la king. Truman also served spaghetti and meatballs, which is not what Etiquetteer thinks of as user-friendly for ladies in white ballgowns. But even today, the best food at parties is the simplest - as long as it's also the most delicious.

Party of the Century, by Deborah Davis, is perhaps the best and most reliable history of this event, and the author explored Truman's evolution of the guest list around "extra men." Who are "extra men," you ask? They are gentlemen invited by themselves to be sure that the ladies at the party don't lack a dance partner (since their husbands might be stuffy, or simply not dancers). Long before the Black and Whilte Ball, "extra men" were rare and eagerly sought after - candidly, because many gentlemen didn't want the responsibility.

Truman got pushback from some of these gentlemen, who wanted to bring their girlfriends - or at least a Girl of the Moment. It should be noted that the host was not always aware of these relationships before invitations were sent. Truman, for the most part, stood his ground. An "extra man" had to be truly extra, and that meant unencumbered by a date. Most accepted their invitations without further protest.

Nowadays, this sort of thing causes Entitled Outrage among all sorts of single people*** who believe they should be able to bring the same number of guests as people in a relationship do. That's nonsense. Etiquetteer is probably in the minority, but is on record as NOT being a fan of the "plus one" on an invitation. The best excuse is when an elderly guest requires a driver or attendant in order to participate.

Back to the invitation. Very few private people hold balls any longer (as such) - at least they aren't publicized as this one was. You'll notice that the invitation says "dance," not "ball." Neither was Perfectly Proper for private balls. The words "At Home" were used in the invitation, with "Dancing" added at bottom right, and it was understood that this was for the most formal ball possible.

And what's the difference between "ball" and "dance" anyway? According to Emily Post, a dance would be confined to one age group while a ball would welcome guests of all ages. And Truman  was very careful to do so at his ball, inviting the sons and daughters of friends who were already prominent on their own.

Truman and his guest of honor, Katherine Graham, formed a receiving line of two at the beginning of the ball, and they greeted all the guests personally at the ballroom entrance. That's just how it should be - even though it took two hours for the steady arrival of approximately 400 guests. Truman was back at the door to bid farewell to parting guests about 3:00 AM, and that's also how it should be. Hosts make it easy for guests to thank them at the end of a party by stationing themselves near the exit, or at least the coat room.

Most poignantly, in 21st century America, the invitation could have read

Mr. Truman Capote and Mr. Jack Dunphy
request the pleasure of your company . . .

Truman's long-term relationship would not have had to remain in the closet.

The next year the Black and White Ball was swept from the headlines by Woodstock - and that speaks volumes. Certainly there was no dress code there!

*Well, yes, it was 51 years ago! You know, Etiquetteer just adores historical precedent, and as usual, is going to trot out the one-year delay in opening the Columbian Exposition of 1893, which was held specifically to commemorate Columbus' discovery of America in 1492.

**This is, of course, one of the central plot elements of Meet Me in St. Louis.

***While "bachelor" is still hanging on in current usage, the terms "unattached ladies" or "unescorted females" have been justly swept into the Dustbin of Language.

Etiquetteer's 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

A few suggestions to stimulate your imagination for Perfect Propriety this holiday season.

For the mid-century enthusiast on your list, our friends at Dapper and Dreamy have devised a stunning 2018 calendar illustrating the homes of Palm Springs. $18.00

One of four beautiful images from Thomas S. Robinson.

Zoomdak, the home of Thomas S. Robinson, Photographer, features a variety of note cards, including a stunning series of photographs of Central Oregon, $14.99 per box of four.

On the deluxe end of the Stationery Spectrum, peacock stationery by Rossi (via Papier Plume of New Orleans) offers something sumptuous for every stationery wardrobe.

There are many beautiful note card choices at Crane's, as one might expect, from Severe to Exuberant. Etiquetteer rather likes these cream cards with tiny gold stars; these Soleil note cards might be appropriate for the Sun King in your life (each $22.00 per box of ten). And for the music lover in your life, these sheet music note cards might be delightful - though sometimes Etiquetteer wonders if professional musicians weary of gifts with musical motifs. ($19.00 per box of ten)

For something completely different, personalize postage for someone by making postage stamps with their photo over at Zazzle.

Etiquetteer has long enjoyed the works of Ann Fadiman, and her latest book, The Wine Lover's Daughter, promises to be a Perfectly Proper treat. With a sentence like "An appreciation of wine--along with a plummy upper-crust accent, expensive suits, and an encyclopedic knowledge of Western literature--was an essential element of Clifton Fadiman’s escape from lower-middle-class Brooklyn to swanky Manhattan," what's not to love? $15.26 in hardcover.

Roger Hutchison is a children's pastor and artist.* His latest book, My Favorite Color Is Blue. Sometimes: A Journey Through Loss With Art and Color, guides the reader through the spectrum of emotions brought on by grief using the spectrum of creating art with color. "A children's picture book by design, but accessible to people of all ages." $12.37 in paperback.

*Full disclosure: And Etiquetteer's cousin.

For the willful child on your list, The Screaming Chef by Peter Ackerman and illustrated Max Dalton, from David R. Godine, Publisher, shows how good behavior wins better results in life. "A silly yet serious picture book for readers of all ages which teaches kids that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, especially when you’re singing." No more important lesson can be taught in the 21st century. $17.95 in hardcover.

Etiquetteer got a look at these tiny chocolate champagne-bottle candies and immediately heard the late Norma Desmond saying "You need them for parties! You need them for New Year's Eve!" $21.95 from the Vermont Country Store.

Now here's part of the 1970s revival that Etiquetteer can support! Pocket & Fold's new SS17 Collection, their line of their dual-purpose pocket squares in far-out paisley-style patterns.

Lastly, a copy of the United States Constitution might not come amiss in someone's stocking this year. In some ways it could be described as the foundation of Perfect Propriety. $8.84 in hardcover.

Thanksgiving Anxieties, Vol. 16, Issue 51

Over on Etiquetteer's Facebook page, some readers have shared anxieties about the coming of Thanksgiving dinner. These anxieties often appear before other holiday functions, too, and it's worth addressing them now. They fall into a few different categories:

What if it's too dry, or ready too soon?

PREPARING THE MEAL: COOKING

• That, yet again, the turkey will be cooked too soon! Truly, cooking is an art as well as a science. This anxiety is solved by having a plan in place in case the turkey is cooked too soon. That could be as simple as maintaining turkey temperature while continuing to baste for moistness, hastening the preparation of other dishes, or just calling in the assembly early from the back yard and TV room. If you find yourself in this situation, call in reinforcements from the assembled diners to assist.
• Dry turkey. Etiquetteer is no master chef, but shouldn't attentive basting take care of this? Know your oven and its quirks! That will aid you in the cooking. As long as it's not so dry diners can splinter it into toothpicks, you'll be fine. You could also remember the exasperated words of the late Raethel Odum, press secretary to First Lady Bess Truman, responding to a reporter: "At the White House we pour the bourbon down the guests' throats so they'll think the turkey is tender!"
• Gravy! If you have a foolproof recipe, please share. Most of the time it turns out but I do worry about it. Have confidence, dear reader, and be calm! If your gravy already turns out "most of the time," then you are already better at gravy making than you credit.

PREPARING THE MEAL: LOGISTICS

• Not enough silverware. One week before the Great Meal, conduct a thorough inventory of all your entertaining supplies based on your  menu: silver, china, crystal, table linens, ice buckets, paper napkins (for hors d'oeuvres before the Great Meal), candy dishes, salt and pepper shakers, coasters, trivets, etc. Run down your guest list to see who might be able to fill in with what you're missing. Count on having a few extra place settings on hand in case extra people show up, or in case of breakage.
• Entertaining while cooking! There are lots of cooks (and Etiquetteer is one of them) who have trouble carrying on a conversation while slaving over a hot stove. Anyone not actively engaged in cooking should be ordered gently but firmly to carry the hors d'oeuvres into the parlor and to stay there with them until called to the table. This can be a problem, of course, in open plan houses, for which Etiquetteer blames the architects.
• That the restaurant will lose our reservation. This is why the Perfectly Proper call one day in advance to confirm the reservation.
• Is my toilet bowl clean enough for my mother-in-law? Judgmental Relations can make or mar a holiday so easily. This makes the weekend before Thanksgiving such an essential work period for those who are hosting family and friends. Give your housecleaning the Old College Try during that weekend, and on the morning of the Great Meal, make a quick pass through Spaces That Attract Attention with a dust cloth and a toilet brush. If you've done your best and the results still don't satisfy, recognize that it Might Not Be Your Fault. Prepare a special treat for yourselves to enjoy when the guests depart, something you'll really enjoy, like a book, a bubble bath, a foot massage, and/or chocolate.

PERSONAL PRESSURES

• Missing my Mom. It's not the same without her. Holidays are full of memories for the bereaved, and it's important to find a way to recognize those memories and allow them to enhance the present rather than limit us to the past. Etiquetteer is fond of the toast "to absent friends" at the beginning of the Great Meal. If your Great Meal is preceded by a blessing, that is another appropriate time to acknowledge Loved Ones Who Have Gone Before. You are right that it's not the same after someone dies, and Etiquetteer has to tell you from experience that it's better to adjust to the differences sooner rather than later. Cherish the memories of your mother, but recognize the needs and wishes of those at the table with you. 
• Being at work. Etiquetteer salutes and thanks you for remaining at your post, as well as all the other workers who stay on the job to make a safe and happy holiday for everyone else. Best wishes for a beautiful Great Meal at a time when you can celebrate it with others!
• Being about to digest all the various food groups in the cauldron of my stomach. This is why Gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Pace yourself, and don't be tempted to ingest foodstuffs you know don't agree with you. So often at Great Meals we are exhorted not only to eat to excess, but to sample the special dishes prepared by loved ones. It's all right not to overdo it!
• Sinking. (Last year and this year I will spend Thanksgiving on [Insert Name of Cruise Line Here].) Etiquetteer wishes you a safe and pleasant voyage without icebergs, U-boats, and uncharted coral reefs.

Table Manners: Double-Handled Cups, Vol. 16, Issue 50

Dear Etiquetteer:

Dining out at a new restaurant recently, we were surprised to be served our cappuccinos in large cups with two handles.

How on earth do you drink your coffee in a cup with two handles? Just use the handle you like, or both, or what?

Dear Handled:

Oh dear. This appears to be yet another attempt to introduce Novelty to the jaded palates of the cognoscenti by misusing the china. Etiquetteer's first thought was the trend in Manhattan to serve cocktails in Mason jars, the antithesis of New York Sophistication. Here it appears the restaurant is serving its cappuccino in bouillon cups. One drinks bouillon from a bouillon cup using both handles, but if you're served coffee in one, it might be more Perfectly Proper to use only one handle. It might also be Perfectly Proper to request a regular coffee cup, but that would only delay the service; Etiquetteer does not really recommend that.

Now all that said, Etiquetteer was quite surprised to find lots and lots of double-handled mugs for sale. Far from being a novelty, they appear to be of great use to those with medical issues that affect their grip, such as carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritis. This seems like a more enduring trend than the moustache cup of yore, which had a china bridge across the top to protect Monsieur's moustache from the coffee.

How to Bob for Apples with Perfect Propriety, Vol. 16 Issue 49

With Hallowe'en almost here, it's a Perfectly Proper time to demonstrate how to bob for apples, a traditional Hallowe'en game, with Perfect Propriety.

But surely many readers will agree that Weeping Baby Pumpkin Head sets the best example by remaining an impassive spectator.

Wedding Wear, Vol. 16, Issue 48

Dear Etiquetteer:

Went to a wedding this afternoon at 3 PM. Had asked family what dress code was - they said whatever you want. I arrived in a pretty flowered frock, pearls - afternoon tea type attire. My husband wore tie, navy blazer, etc. We were astounded to see a guy in dirty jeans and shirt with ripped-off sleeves, accompanied by a young lady in a chiffon dress.

More to the point, though - more than half the women in the group were wearing black, and many of them were in evening clothes. Is it me? Did things change somewhere along the way? I thought black was supposed to send an unhappy message to the couple in question . . . remember hearing never to wear black to a wedding. (So I bought a new dress, even!) I look forward to your advice, dear Etiquetteer, for future occasions!

Dear Dressed:

First, Etquetteer has a message for anyone giving a Party of Some Ceremony like a wedding: don't be surprised when you tell people "Just wear whatever you want" when they actually do show up in whatever they want. It will be quite an education in some cases, to discover who does and doesn't have a Sense of Occasion! People really do want to be told what to wear; please provide appropriate, easy to understand instructions about what to wear. "Festive attire," for instance, is far too vague. It could mean anything from a Hawaiian shirt to a tuxedo with a colorful vest.

But to return to your original questions, no, it isn't you, and yes, things did change somewhere along the way. Along about 25 years ago, brides wanted bridal parties that looked more like what they considered sophisticated and less, well, bridal. Their unimaginative solution was black, conveniently forgetting (if they ever knew or cared in the first place) that black's traditional meaning in the West is that of mourning - or evil, you choose. Back in the day, wearing mourning was so ingrained in Society that etiquette writers had to specify that the one and only exception to it was to attend a wedding. Because to wear black to a wedding would indicate disapproval of the marriage it Simply Wasn't Done. Now, ladies don't care about symbolism; they just want to look sophisticated - or slim - and don't even hear Etiquetteer's plaintive cry to Consider Navy Blue instead.

Evening clothes before 5 PM have never been Perfectly Proper, but there's more than one wedding party that chooses to breeze right by this if the reception is going to begin after 5 PM.

And Etiquetteer is mighty tired of hearing from Compassionate Souls "Oh, it doesn't matter what people wear as long as everyone is treated with respect." What one wears is how to treat other people with respect.

In conclusion:

• A dress code should be on the invitation.
• If they tell you "Wear whatever you want," ask what they are wearing and be guided by that.
• Consider Navy Blue instead of black.
• Remain confident in your own choices even when you see others dressed differently.