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Sometimes
it’s best just to let etiquette speak for itself commonsensically:
- Hang
up and drive.
- Shut
up and eat.
- If
you’re gonna go, go.*
- Never
ask why you weren’t invited; you might find out.
- Never
ask why someone didn’t show up; you might find out.
- R.s.v.p.
now; you won’t get a better offer.
- If
you don’t know what to wear, ask the hosts. If they say "Oh, anything"
ask what they’re wearing.
- Nobody
wants to see your underwear outside the bedroom. And maybe not even
there . . .
- For
handkerchiefs, carry one to show and one to blow.
- For
jewelry, put on everything you think is right and take one piece
off. Too bad this can’t be done with piercings and tattoos.
- For
Maximum Fun Potential, arrive on time. This fashionable lateness
stuff is a pain.
- Don’t
start eating until the hostess lifts her fork.
- If
you’re allergic, don’t eat it.
- If
you’re not allergic, shut up and eat.
- One
more drink and you’ll be under the host.**
- Send
the thank-you note the next day.
- Unless
you’re the bride, don’t wear white or ivory or "champagne"
to the wedding.
- Unless
it’s a tuxedo, don’t wear black to the wedding.
- Don’t
bring your wedding gift to the wedding.
- Ladies
first, unless you’re going downstairs, off a bus, or through a revolving
door.
- Serve
from the left, remove from the right.
- Turn
off your cell phone at the table, in the theatre, in the cinema,
and in the bathroom.
- If
you’re talking on your cell phone in public, don’t get indignant
when someone starts asking you questions about your phone conversation.
It’s your own fault blabbing about your business on the street in
the first place.
- If
you want to hang around, you’ll be polite.***
- Don’t
make trouble. On the other hand, if you’re bleeding, not
saying anything will make trouble.
- There’s
no place for your PDA at the table, either your Personal Digital
Assistant or your Public Display of Affection.
- It
may be five o’clock somewhere, but if it’s not five o’clock here,
it’s time to switch back to ginger ale.
- A
theatre is not a stadium. Keep your seat until intermission.
- Reference
to flatulence is rude. Remember, "he who smelt it dealt it."
- All
you have to say is "No thank you;" no explanation is required.
- And
of course Etiquetteer’s guiding motto: no one cares what you want
or how you feel, so just be polite.
Please
share your own etiquette one-liners, or any manners question you have,
with Etiquetteer at query <at> etiquetteer.com!
*
Courtesy of great-grandmother Dougherty.
**
Courtesy of Dorothy Parker.
***
Courtesy of Sam Spade in "The Maltese Falcon."
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