Etiquetteer
was so tickled over Martin
Stewart's recipe for Ex-Head Pie that he whimsically wrote a question
to himself about the etiquette of cannibalistic main dishes:
Dear Etiquetteer:
Is it really Perfectly Proper to serve anyone's severed head as a
pie? Shouldn't we honor the humanity of our entrée with a slightly
more dignified presentation? A pie just seems, well, so ordinary and
domestic!
Dear Finicky:
Etiquetteer remains fond of the traditional service a la Russe
presentation, memorably requested by Salomé all those
years ago. Position the head on a silver platter and surround with
a garnish of parsley, mint, thyme, and perhaps foxglove (depending
on the guest list). An accompanying fruit compote may be offered from
a silver compote dish or gravy boat in the same pattern as the platter.
Please note: Etiquetteer prefers raspberry.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I recently hosted a meeting of my book group and provided refreshments
that included Brie and crackers. I was astounded when one guest, the
friend of a friend of one of our long-time members, used a cracker
to slice/scoop up the soft Brie cheese instead of using the knife
provided. Her fingers were covered with Brie after she repeated this
act a few times and none of the other guests wanted to eat the cheese
she had contaminated. I didn't know what to do. At the end of the
evening I politely offered her the remaining Brie because she had
enjoyed eating it all evening. She was delighted.
Also, I had provided each guest with a small plate and napkin. This
same guest chose not to use them and popped each Brie-covered cracker
directly into her mouth. By the end of the evening her dark slacks
were covered with white smears of Brie where she had wiped her hands
and she left crumbs all over.
I'd appreciate your advice on how I could have handled this situation
more pro-actively. This guests' behavior was truly disgusting and
distracting. In a few months I'll be asked to host the book group
again. HELP!
Dear Booked:
Oh, beware the
friends of friends! Take a tip from Rudyard Kipling, who told the
tale in his story 'A Friend's Friend' of how a friend's acquaintance
embarrassed himself (and everyone else) with a spectacular display
of public drunkenness at a society ball. The Gentlemen had their revenge,
however, by decorating his passed-out form with whipped cream, ham-frills,
and other Victorian hors d'oeuvres before rolling him up into a carpet
and throwing him onto a freight train. Don't you just love the English?
They always know how to put one in one's place . . .
Brie Woman already
seems adept at decorating herself with food, more's the pity, so that
approach is out. Really, Etiquetteer doesn't know why you bother;
this sort of person is not the sort who understands what Polite Society
means, and therefore should not be included.
But, on to more practical solutions. Etiquetteer admires the way you
finessed disposing of the pillaged Brie. It practically defines 'killing
with kindness.' Next time your'e forced to entertain this person,
you have Etiquetteer's full permission to say, 'Oh, here's the cheese
knife, dear' when you see her aiming a cracker at the cheese; you
may even offer to slice it for her. And when she begins wiping her
hands on her slacks (ugh! just the thought makes Etiquetteer ill),
go right ahead and hand her a napkin saying, 'Oh, don't muss your
slacks! Here's a napkin, dear.' Her rejection of your care and attention
will only redound on her.
As a last resort, you might prepare individual plates of refreshments
for each guest, so that everyone has their own delicate morsels to
enjoy. It's more work, of course, but at least everyone would feel
that their refreshments were safe from Brie Woman's cooties.
Dear
Etiquetteer:
I work in a large office and hand out only wrapped candy. Why? Because
there are coworkers who will run their hands through unwrapped candy,
who will cough or sneeze on it ? in other words, they cannot help
themselves from marking it with their germs. It seems almost unconscious.
The
challenge is when someone else puts out unwrapped food. How do I politely
suggest that it is a bad idea? Of course I either decide that my immune
system is up to fighting off the germs or not eat them.
Dear Wrapped:
Etiquetteer applauds your thoughtfulness in providing wrapped treats
for your colleagues and clients. And while acknowledging the purity
of your movites, Etiquetteer really must advise that criticizing your
colleagues is not going to make a positive impression. Continue to
decline politely anything offered that you don't care to eat for whatever
reason.
Dear Etiquetteer:
When I entertain I sometimes want to keep the leftovers for future
lunches. How do I handle the guest who either wants additional helpings
at the time of the meal or to take some home with her? Last time one
of the other guests offered her own leftovers to a hungry guest and
suggested that she get seconds of the less expensive side dishes,
which saved the day.
Dear Pecked Hostess:
Good heavens! Are you entertaining friends, family, or a plague of
locusts?
Asking for a doggie bag in a private home is just beyond the pale,
if you ask Etiquetteer. Confronted with the request, however, Etiquetteer
thinks it Perfectly Proper to decline with an apology that you need
to make the pot roast, lobster bisque, macaroni, or whatever last
to next Tuesday.
You eliminate the problem altogether when you bring in prepared plates
from the kitchen; this way your guests don't see that there's anything
left over.
Find
yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer
at query@etiquetteer.com!
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