HOLIDAY GIVING

Dear Etiquetteer:

What is the best way to give a gift that is really a suggestion? One of my women friends suffers from excess facial hair, which she sometimes shaves. I would like to give her a facial waxing kit, but am worried that such a gift would be unwelcome criticism.

Dear Lady of the Depilatories:

Etiquetteer commends your cleverness for discerning that your friend, by her occasional shaving, finds her facial hair as unwelcome as you fear her reaction will be. But as is so often the case, the best way to do something is not to do it at all. Your friend, finding that waxing kit in her stocking, would certainly interpret it as a Rebuke. Etiquetteer knows that kindness motivates you, but must gently insist that you let your friend find her own solution. Of course, when she asks for help, then it’s Open Season, but not until then!

Dear Etiquetteer:

It was kind of you to specify the service people one should tip at the holidays in your recent column, particularly the statement about waiters who seem to think that hair stylists are more important since they are tipped at time of service and usually again at Christmas. Let them face it; hair stylists are more important! Besides, the same stylist usually takes care of the same people week after week.

But could Etiquetteer take another step and give us some idea of the amount one should put in the greeting card? We all pretty much agree on the 20% at time of service, but what about holiday tips? Life would become simpler if - like some Europeans - basic gratuities were included in the bill and that was that. Think we can get that on the ballot?

Dear Lady with a Smoking Purse:

To tip one’s hairdresser during the holidays, Etiquetteer finds an amount equivalent to your usual service Perfectly Proper. For instance, if your regular shampoo and set is $50, substitute that day’s usual tip with a 100% holiday tip (always signifying its importance by presenting it in a special envelope). A similar amount (a day’s wages) is appropriate for domestic staff one employs directly.

As to legislating a state of constant tipping, Etiquetteer would vastly prefer to see the entire system abolished. It’s far too Old World, inefficient, annoying, and it leads to false expectations on everyone’s part. As there are too many people in service professions who don’t realize they ought to be too proud to accept tips, and too many employers of service personnel who prefer to shunt this section of their payroll to their customers, Etiquetteer does not expect this to happen before Hell Freezes Over.

Dear Etiquetteer:

At a political action table at church, a stranger (transgendered? cross-dressing anyway) approached me and talked of being down to his (her) last $65 and needing to get a job. I was donating cash to have recounts done in certain Florida counties. I do not need another dependent. How could I handle this situation gracefully?

Dear Activist:

Etiquetteer must thank you for mentioning that this situation took place in a church, as Etiquetteer would not have been able to distinguish it from a polling place based on your letter. You raise so many interesting issues here that Etiquetteer feels compelled to handle them one by one:

Gender: You need not be embarrassed by the ambiguity of this person’s gender; all the Deity of Your Choice’s creatures deserve respect, whether they remain a mystery to you or not. If you have not been given a name, you may ask or merely introduce the supplicant as "This person." But please do so with kindliness in your voice and not snobbishness.

Dependents: The Holy Bible is filled with stories of beggars seeking assistance in houses of worship. So while Etiquetteer acknowledges your discomfort with this situation, it is not Entirely Improper. Nonetheless, many people prefer not to give money directly to strangers; one cannot always be certain to what purpose one’s money will be used. These people prefer to contribute to organizations whose mission is to assist the needy. You may refer this person to one or more of these organizations. "I wish I could help you, but perhaps you could try [Insert Name of Appropriate Charity Here] who help a lot of people."

Graceful Handling: If you are unwilling to assist this person yourself, Etiquetteer suggests that you escort this supplicant directly to the minister or other leader of the congregation, who should be better able to assist and counsel him. Make the introduction by saying "[Insert Name of Church Dignitary Here], this person needs your help." You may then flee at a discreet pace to contemplate the nature of Charity over a $4.00 novelty beverage at a nearby nationally-known coffeehouse.

Charity: During the holiday season Etiquetteer invites you to consider the old maxim "Think globally, act locally" as you distribute any remaining charitable contributions.

Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com!

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.