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LOVELY NOTES Vol. 3, Issue 4, February 1, 2004 |
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Etiquetteer was privileged last week to teach a two-hour course in Formalities at the annual Charm School afternoon at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Some Perfectly Proper questions arose regarding Lovely Notes, not only from students but also from Regular Readers of This Column, making a column on the subject mighty timely, yes? Dear Etiquetteer: How many things are you supposed to send thank-you notes for? Dear Charm School Student: As a general rule, Etiquetteer always recommends “When in doubt, send a Lovely Note.” But the basic occasions are:
This last category remains the most neglected but the most important one. Death creates all sorts of inconvenience, not to mention emotional distress. To Etiquetteer, this makes responding to friends and family who are reaching out to support you thrice as important. Your responses helps them gauge whether or not you're Going Off the Deep End. It helps if someone is documenting all the good deeds. When Etiquetteer’s family suffered a death, one Great Friend On Whom May Blessings Ever Attend recorded every casserole, potted plant, colossal Floral Tribute, and Envelope of Rare Old Photographs received in a small spiral notebook. This made responding (on Perfectly Proper black-bordered notecards) that much easier. May every family have such a Great Friend; perhaps you will fulfill that role for someone someday.
Dear Etiquetteer: When thanking potential employers after a job interview, what sort of stationery should I use? I’m always hearing that the personal touch is appreciated, which makes me think that a notecard with a handwritten note inside is good, but that’s not how I send in my resume. What do you think? Dear Second Charm School Student: When corresponding in a business setting, Etiquetteer finds it Most Proper to use the stationery of a business setting. So a Lovely Note is less Perfectly Proper than a letter of thanks, which should be typed on severely plain stationery with your name, address, phone, e-mail, and website (should you possess all those methods of contact) on the top. The only handwriting on it should be your signature.
Dear Etiquetteer: I agree with you that it’s futile for hostess gifts to take wine or to have a large floral arrangement delivered. Therefore, I thought I had fallen upon the perfect response. Last summer I was invited to a dinner party at the new home of a couple I don’t often see socially. After we asked, the hosts gave us a tour of the house and yard. Outside, the host commented on his plans for future additions to the flowerbeds, one being a particularly hard to find flower. Since I really didn’t plan to return their invitation anytime soon, I called a flower farm specializing in hard to find plants and ordered them the desired flower. I also wrote the proper thank-you note. The flower farm notified the couple that the plant would be sent at the proper planting time. The hosts wrote me a note. Then, this fall when the plant was delivered, they wrote again. When should this end? Has the day dawned that I can simply phone and say how glad I am that they are enjoying the flower? Aside from this endless exchange of thank-yous, are their other ways of expressing thanks when one doesn’t plan on returning an invitation? Dear Noted Guest: Etiquetteer wants to applaud you first for your subtlety in discerning something your hosts found truly desirable as a gift. Too few people let small talk pass over them like ocean waves over the sand. You, happily, are like the anemone (it is an anemone, isn’t it?) who recognizes the passing minnow for the useful morsel it is and quietly devours it. That said, Etiquetteer doesn’t know why you wouldn’t want to extend an invitation to this horticulturally-inclined couple. Anyone so Perfectly Proper ought to be cultivated. You need not thank them for their second, Perfectly Proper Lovely Note. The next time you talk, e-mail, or see each other, mention it by all means. They’ll be even more delighted that you’re paying attention to them.
Dear Etiquetteer: Help! It’s almost Groundhog Day and I still haven’t sent my thank-you notes from Christmas! I feel like a terrible dimwit, but other January activities have distracted me. Should I go ahead and write them? How bad will it look if I don’t? Dear Mr. Dimmick: Who do you think you’re fooling, you fat hypocrite?! Get busy, even if you have to stay up until 2:00 AM to do it, or Etiquetteer will have to wag more than an Admonitory Digit at you. Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com. |
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