MORE HOLIDAY FALLOUT

Vol. 3, Issue 3, January 25, 2004

Dear Etiquetteer:

My husband and I had just finished dinner one night recently, he to his easy chair and television and I to tidy up and settle down with a good book. I was surprised to hear the phone ring, and even more to hear a good friend at the other end asking "Where are you?" Apparently we were missing our monthly supper club evening, and then I remembered that I was supposed to bring an important dish to be served with the entrée! At that point in the evening it was too late to show up, and I felt awful that I’d forgotten the date.

What’s the best way to apologize after such a terrible oversight? I thought of three things – flowers or a plant, a note to say I’m sorry, and actually crying in front of the person – but could only carry out the first two. Was this enough?

Dear Sous Chef Sans Memoir:

Etiquetteer understands your humiliation, but assures you that only the first two of your excellent suggestions are necessary. True friendship does not exact tears as the price of forgiveness. Etiquetteer hopes that you sent your botanical token of apology promptly the next day.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How can I respond to someone who has expressed unhappiness with his Christmas presents? This is a young boy – under the age of 12 – with whom I’m exchanged Christmas presents over the years because his parents are great friends of mine. He told me, privately, that he didn’t like some of the things he’d been given (by me and others) and that he didn’t think he’d gotten as many presents as other children.

Now I’m sure, Etiquetteer, that you’ll agree that this is not the way young men should receive presents. Because he spoke to me privately I don’t want to tell his parents (I was always brought up to honor a confidence). But shouldn’t I say something to him? Next Christmas is a long way off, and I don’t think it should wait until then.

Dear Villager:

"And a little child shall lead them," says the Holy Bible. Do we really want them to lead us to ingratitude and disrespect? Your sad tale irresistibly reminded Etiquetteer of the late Marie Antoinette, who one Christmas displayed to her children in the royal nursery all the wonders of the Parisian toymakers. "Taking her children by the hand," dear Madame Campan recalled in her memoirs, "she showed them all the dolls and toys which were ranged there, and told them that she had intended to give them some handsome [Christmas] gifts, but that the cold made the poor so wretched that all her money was spent in blankets and clothes to protect them from the rigour of the season, and in supplying them with bread, so that this year they would only have the pleasure of looking at the new playthings." This approach mightn’t work over two centuries later, but it does illustrate the point that these over-indulged overfed little brats ought to be grateful for what they have, and realize that it’s more important than what they get.

Etiquetteer applauds your intention of keeping this young person’s confidence, as it seems you do not want to get him in trouble with his parents. (That approach is not always the most productive anyway.) But he has slighted you, and he must be made to understand that what he says how the power to hurt other people. A "man-to-man" talk between the two of you should clear the air. Explain to your young friend that he hurt your feelings, that ladies and gentlemen only express thanks for what they’ve received, and that they conceal disappointment by keeping from disappointing others in turn. Etiquetteer sincerely hopes that you will continue to cultivate Perfect Propriety with this young person. The phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" has become rather hackneyed, but it’s nonetheless true.

Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com!

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