Vol. 3, Issue 29, July 24, 2004

Dear Etiquetter:

I am organizing a silver anniversary celebration for my parents for the spring, and I'd like to send them on a trip to Hawaii - a life-long dream of theirs. It is a tradition in my family that cash or lottery tickets are given as gifts for such occasions, as we all have enough items around the house! I would like to suggest on the invitations to the celebration that I have registered my parents at a local travel agency so that we can make their dream trip to Hawaii a reality. I've seen this done at weddings, however suggestions of that kind are expected. Is there an appropriate way I can communicate to the invitees that this gift option is available to them?

Dear Tripping:

Etiquetteer thinks it’s terribly sweet that you want to extend your means to do something lovely for your parents on their Special Day, but it’s far from Perfectly Proper to want to extend someone else’s means for the same thing. Etiquetteer regrets to inform you that there is no appropriate way to tell people how to spend their money. After all, you’re sending them an invitation, not an invoice. It’s really not even Perfectly Proper to tell them how not to spend their money by including "No gifts" or "Please, your presence is your present" on the invitation.

Still, Etiquetteer recognizes your desire to harness the "peculiar institution" of your family to contribute to this rare opportunity. While Etiquetteer is looking the other way, you might speak with your relatives individually about your plans ("Keep this a secret, but I’m arranging a trip to Hawaii for Mother and Dad’s 25th! They’ve always wanted to go . . . ) to see what sort of response you get. Should you choose to move forward, Etiquetteer vigorously encourages you to have some sort of presentation scroll or certificate which all the contributors can sign to be given to your parents with the tickets. Your parents will treasure it as a happy talisman, and all the contributors will feel that they were not necessarily overshadowed by you, the organizer.

Dear Etiquetteer:

A friend of mine recently announced his plans to vacation in a town where I have a summer home. His announcement included an expectation that I would provide cocktails and probably meals for him while he was there. While I appreciate his friendship, I was astounded at the presumption. Of course, I didn’t mention a WORD of this to him at the time . . .

How might I respond to such an announcement? I would very much like to see him while he is in town, but he has become quite a serious drinker and I’m not sure I have the time or financial resources to provide him with an adequate number of cocktails.

Dear Pinned Down in P'town:

Etiquetteer knows how disappointing it is to discover that people have been drinking out of your wallet, but really must question what you ultimately wish to accomplish here. Do you want to arrange an intervention, or just keep him from darkening your extra-precious Battenburg lace guest towels?

Etiquetteer suggests you respond with an alternate arrangement, such as, "Oh, how lovely you'll be in town! I look forward to seeing you at [insert name of Smart Watering Hole of Your Choice] on Tuesday." Actually Etiquetteer would suggest meeting at an ATM first and then proceeding to [insert name of Smart Watering Hole of Your Choice] from there. That way you can ensure that your presumptuous friend has enough of his own cash to keep him from drinking out of your wallet again.

But really, Etiquetteer thinks you need to take your friend’s e-mail with a grain of salt from the rim of your margarita and just prepare to enjoy each other’s company.

Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com!

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