Vol. 3, Issue 18, May 9, 2004

Dear Etiquetteer:

A few years ago I was invited to the commitment ceremony of a gay couple, both personal friends. At the time they indicated where they had registered, and I sent a gift. Now that the legality of same-sex marriage is soon to be a reality, this couple has announced their intention to marry – and included a note that they are registering at a popular home-furnishings store. Do I really have to get them a gift this time, since I got them one originally at their commitment ceremony? What do I do if I show up empty-handed at the wedding?

Dear Solicited:

Etiquetteer has said before and will say until he erupts in flame that it is never good manners to tell people how to spend money on you unless they ask. Etiquetteer sees no necessity for you to shower your riches upon this rapacious couple a second time. Don’t worry about showing up at the wedding without a gift. It’s not Perfectly Proper to bring gifts to a wedding anyway – it’s a hassle to pack them up afterward when the Happy Couple would rather go on their honeymoon – though thinking wedding planners include an empty six-foot table skirted with tulle for those who did.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Recently, my boyfriend proposed marriage to me. I gladly accepted. Now I face a host of social conundrums, not the least of which is what to call my future mother-in-law. She has expressed to my fiancé that I call her "Mom." I am not comfortable with that particular expression, since I use it on a very regular basis with the person currently occupying that role in my life, my very own mother. I am much more comfortable referring to my fiancé’s mother either by her first name, or by the more formal, "Mrs. Morton."

My fiancé, in the interest of harmony and loyalty, has defended my desire to his mother, but alas, has thrown in the towel, suggesting that Mrs. Morton and I speak directly in order to reach a mutually satisfactory resolution. Am I expressing any impropriety in continuing to refer to my fiancé’s mother as Mrs. Morton, despite my newly affianced status? Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Future Daughter-in-Law: Etiquetteer must inform you that your future mother-in-law (FMIL) may choose how she wishes to be addressed. By choosing "Mom," your FMIL clearly wants to include you in her family, a gesture many daughters-in-law would kill for. It may be that she considers this familiar without compromising the respect due her age, as your calling her by her first name might imply.

Yet Etiquetteer respects that you wish to retain "Mom" for your own mother, and suggests you float the compromise "Mother Morton" in conversation with your FMIL. This incorporates both family intimacy and generational respect. And let’s face it, your mother cannot fulfill the role of your mother-in-law, except perhaps in certain hillbilly regions.

By the way, Etiquetteer doesn't blame your fiancé one bit for letting the two of you discuss it amongst yourselves. We all know what it's like to be the grain between the millstones . . .

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have been in an exclusive relationship for almost two years now. We are not married or engaged but everyone who knows us knows we are a couple. I have always understood that a wedding invitation addressed "and Guest" means just that, a significant or not-so-significant other is welcome. Alternatively, if an invitation is not addressed "and Guest" that means come alone.

On at least two occasions now, I have been sent invitations addressed to me alone without the "guest" option. This prompts awkward communication from me to clarify, only to find out that, yes, my other half is welcome. Is there a Perfectly Proper way to avoid these awkward exchanges?

Dear Attached But Single:

Many people assume, often mistakenly, that a relationship isn’t really serious unless a mailing address is shared. Ask yourself what the visible signs are when a relationship has moved from casual to exclusive. Etiquetteer would tell you jewelry and address labels, neither of which applies in your case. Etiquetteer promises that as soon as you start sharing a mailing address people will not forget to include your beloved on invitations. Consider this, and perhaps you’ll be sending out your own wedding invitations in the next year if you haven’t broken up fighting over what to hang over the sofa. Otherwise, you might have stationery made up with both your names and addresses on it.

The next time you receive an invitation only for yourself, decline with regret since you and your significant other prefer socializing as a couple. This will give your friends the chance to cover by saying that the s.o.’s invitation got lost in the mail and that you’re both welcome.

Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com!

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