INVITATIONS - Vol. 2, Issue 9, March 16, 2003

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have received two of the tackiest invitations one could get. First, I get a half-hearted one to spend a week only to be followed in the same conversation that they will be at home for only a few days. That one’s still pending.

Next, I get a phone call at 5:30 PM to come by for drinks the next day at 4:00 PM only to find later that the honoree requested several weeks ago that I be invited. I proved myself rude and tacky by saying I'd be there, then deliberately taking a nap from 3:30-4:30 and I don't plan to call apologies.

I really don't get all this many left-handed invitations, but what should one do when this happens? How can we be proper as we cut the idiots off at the knees? One friend suggested that we invite all these creeps to a formal dinner -- R.s.v.p. cards and all the trappings – and then turn out every light in the house that night and leave! Don’t you love it?

Dear Miffed and Jilted:

Etiquetteer will confess that nothing satisfies as much as an elaborate revenge fantasy – as long as it remains in the realm of the fantastic . . .

Etiquetteer knows a way to capture your first erstwhile entertainers. People with vacation homes can become rather vague about visits, wanting to appear hospitable but perhaps reluctant to share their blessed solitude. One can counter this by pinning them down to dates: "Oh, I’d love to come down to the country place! How about the weekend of the 14th? Not then? What about the 21st?" And on and on, until you have a date, though that does remind Etiquetteer of that New Yorker cartoon with the caption "How about never? Is never good for you?"

As for the second invitation, Etiquetteer thinks it was G. Gordon Liddy who said "Never attribute to conspiracy what could be put down to incompetence." Even so, the Most Proper Way to Respond to a Last-Minute Invitation When You Are Loaded for Bear is to take a deep breath and say with frigid hauteur, "How I wish I’d known earlier. I’m afraid that now I’m unable to attend."

Dear Etiquetteer:

My husband and I are buying a table for a charity ball and inviting friends to join us. We like a gala atmosphere, it’s a cause we support, and several of our friends are listed on the committee.

Invitations for this event are going out soon, and we don’t know what to do about the reply cards. They list all the different payment options for the ball, but we don’t want our guests to feel obligated to pay. We also don’t want them to know how much money we’re spending to entertain them!

My husband is adamant that our invitations be sent without the cards, but the organization says they need a response mechanism for each invitation. Their event planner has suggested crossing out the prices and writing "as the guests of . . . " at the bottom, but they would still be visible. What are we to do? This is almost like having our friends look inside our wallets.

Dear Fretful Gala Hostess:

Having seen so much ostentatious exhibitionism, Etiquetteer commends you and your husband for your modesty in not wanting the world to see how much money you have. You have every right to keep that information from your guests.

But this event you’re attending, whether it’s the Disease Ball du Jour or an Arts Extravaganza, is being thrown to raise money for the organization. They aren’t just interested in your money, but in that of every person coming. It is hoped that your friends will have a sufficiently good time that they will contribute on their own.

Etiquetteer suggests that you write your own reply cards by hand on fold-overs in a stock that matches the invitations, like so:

Disease Ball

Saturday, June 14

M__________________

Will attend as the guests of Mr. and Mrs. Croesus Shadoes.

Your financial commitment is concealed, but the organization still has a reply card – so important if the invitation says "Please reply with enclosed card." But Etiquetteer would observe that it is your responsibility to produce these. Your guests will certainly appreciate the human touch, especially if you include a note along lines of "We’re so looking forward to seeing you!"

Etiquetteer will conclude by pointing out that these organizations would not need to turn themselves inside out to create a gala atmosphere for you and your friends if United States government funding for Art and Medicine achieved the levels it does in many European countries. But in a Nation where television shows like Fear Factor and its ilk predominate, what else can one expect?

Dear Etiquetteer:

If it's someone else's fault that you are late to a social event, do you just apologize on your own behalf, or do you make it clear that you cared enough to be on time but were prevented by the lapses of others? Here’s what happened: I made plans to attend, with a friend, the theatre and dine beforehand with a group of about a dozen people. Having left my office early to arrive on time, my friend was not ready and we didn’t get there until 30 minutes after we were supposed to. We both apologized, but I hate being thought of as tardy after making the effort to be punctual.

Dear Tardy Anyway:

You have two choices: apologize to the assembly when you arrive and be thought late, or apologize privately by putting the blame on your friend and be thought late, backbiting, and disloyal. Not that anyone particularly cares about loyalty any longer, but Etiquetteer believes everyone should.

Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer! Click on "Contact" below and e-mail your question for a later column.