WEDDING FOLLOW-UP - Vol. 2, Issue 5, February 17, 2003

Well, the family wedding was lovely, thank you for asking, though Etiquetteer kept hoping no one would refer to last week’s column. So many ladies wore black or red Etiquetteer feared embarrassing them. Comments on personal appearance should be limited to things that can be corrected at the time. One can remove spinach between the teeth at a wedding reception if someone points it out quietly; it’s impossible to whip out a needle and thread in the same circumstances when someone says "Your hem is hanging funny. Did you tear it?"

Etiquetteer can say without reservation that a good time was had by all. The bride’s family exceeded themselves in hospitality and entertainment so that everyone was victualled and watered in convivial surroundings, though it’s only three days later that Etiquetteer realizes that the conga line was formed while the band played "I Will Survive."

Chivalry is not dead, either, as both the groom and his father solicitously took care of a shy out-of-town guest, providing transportation and hospitality at a post-wedding dinner the next day, and spending an inordinate amount of time making introductions and ensuring no one was lonely. Etiquetteer knows that readers will join him in wishing Roger and Karly a long and happy life together!

Dear Etiquetteer: As always, I enjoyed a helpful column, but I must respectfully disagree with your last bit of advice to thank the bride’s parents by note. Call me a cynic, but reduced to its basest form, a wedding is a barter of mandatory attendance at a function that, as you indicate, may involve costly travel and accommodation and the purchase of a gift, in exchange, hopefully, for a nice dinner and a fun party. Obviously the happy couple are obliged to write a thank-you note for the lovely gift, but I think it way over the top and somewhat inappropriate for guests to write thank-you notes for being invited to attend.

I can imagine a note that reads

"Dear Mildred, Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to travel to Cleveland, which is just lovely in February and for the opportunity to experience the downtown Cleveland Holiday Inn. The banquet chicken was palatable, until I could no longer eat after watching Grandpa gum his. I especially enjoyed the chicken dance, which is such an unusual occurrence at weddings! I would also like to congratulate your daughter on her good taste in registering at Tiffany's and Bergdorf. This way, I can relive this experience as I pay off my credit card over the next six months. Oh, and P.S. Don’t worry about ever having to reciprocate, since it does not appear that any of us will live long enough to see the universal legal recognition of same-sex unions."

So, dear Etiquetteer, now I have two questions for you:

1. Do you think I am bitter?

2. Does the thank-you note from guests apply to all functions, or only weddings?

Dear Bitter, Callous, and Antisocial:

Etiquetteer is appalled, first that you think one is invited to a wedding for any other reason than for the pleasure of one’s company, and second that you unjustly poke fun at the eating habits of senior citizens. Someday you may be without your own teeth and you’ll have to eat your own words . . .

So to answer your second question, send a Lovely Note to anyone hosting a wedding-related event. Usually the groom’s family hosts the rehearsal dinner; a verbal invitation to any post-wedding function should tell you who to write to for that.

Etiquetteer trusts you already have the answer to your first question. Now run along and reflect on the spirit of hospitality.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Since, kind sir, you invited comment, I cannot resist adding an additional piece of advice for "a good wedding guest." A good wedding guest responds to the invitation with a short, but well-written, personal note of acceptance. Even if the bride has included one of those offensive "fill-in-the-blanks" response cards that implies one's guests are too ignorant or incapable of composing an original message, one should write a note! Enclose the order-form response card, if you wish, but a brief handwritten and well-written note is necessary -- and appreciated.

Dear Responsive:

Etiquetteer could not agree more, but he finds pre-printed reply cards less offensive than he does desperate attempts by brides and their mothers to get an accurate count. Though Etiquetteer would never dream of accusing a group of wedding guests of being too ignorant or incapable of knowing how to respond to an invitation, Etiquetteer will observe that many people invited to weddings do give that appearance . . .