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Dear
Etiquetteer:
Is there a proper side of the sidewalk on which to walk?
Dear Walkies:
Etiquetteer’s mother always taught that the gentleman walks on
the outside and
the lady walks on the inside. You may be interested to know that she
didn’t
come up with this on a whim. The dictum was determined centuries before,
when
streets were closer together than they are now and chamber pots were
the,
ahem, personal disposal systems of choice. The gentleman walked on
the
outside to protect the lady’s person from being fouled by anything
thrown out
the window: dead cats, rotten vegetables, or, ahem, something from
the
personal disposal system.
Now, of course, the gentleman walks on the outside to protect the
lady from
anything splashing from the curb. This exempts neither of them from
keeping a
lookout on the sidewalk for melted bubble gum or something from, ahem,
a
canine disposal system.
Dear Etiquetteer:
If you can't remember someone's name, what is the polite way to proceed
at a gathering?
Dear Forgetful:
Don’t proceed out the door. Etiquetteer suggests two possible
approaches:
1. The Spanish Inquisition Approach: “Confess!” Just say
“I’m so sorry,
I’ve forgotten your name.” Most people will be understanding,
but you could
create some Party Drama if the person turns out to be your boss, boyfriend,
or mother.
2. The Tallulah Bankhead Approach: This hard-drinking Southern Episcopalian
actress really didn’t care about anyone’s name but her own.
She just called
everyone “Darling!” no matter who they were. Etiquetteer
has used this
approach with great style, but thinks it unlikely for business school
graduates.
If you find this sort of name-dropping a habit, Etiquetteer suggests
you take
a page from the book of President James K. Polk. He had a -terrible-
time
with names, a significant flaw when you are Chief Executive of All
the Land.
To combat it, before bedtime each night he made a list of everyone
he met
during the day, which helped him combine names and faces ever after.
*****
Dear Etiquetteer:
Many times I am invited to a gathering and I wish to bring something
to earn
my keep and perhaps help the host(ess) carry the load of cooking.
However,
sometimes the host(ess) says, "Oh, don't bother, I have everything
planned."
When I arrive, sometimes everything is planned and sometimes not.
I can understand that a host(ess) may have very specific plans for
a meal or
party and a bag of my homemade porkrinds would cause audible gasps
of fright
and horror at the proper dinner table where the flaming Cherries Jubilee
sit.
Dear Party Porkrind:
Etiquetteer is so very weary of the idea of guests having to “earn
their
keep.” Your hosts think enough of you to -want- to have you to
dine. Be it
on their own heads if they can’t get it together as they wish.
Your only
obligations as a guest are to show up punctually, behave pleasantly,
contribute to the conversation, and send a Lovely Note afterward.
If you -must- arrive with a token of gratitude in hand, Etiquetteer
encourages
you to consider flowers instead one of the eleven bottles of red wine
in the
Universe that do duty for the eleven fruitcakes in the Universe that
circulate
at Christmas.
*****
Dear Etiquetteer:
Does the person calling you on your mobile phone or the person in
your
presence take precedence?
Dear Present:
Etiquetteer has always said “A friend in the hand is worth two
on the phone.”
Just be careful where you put that hand, buster!
*****
ETIQUETTEER, Promoting a 19th Century Lifestyle with 21st Century
Amenities
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Copyright 2002 by Robert B. Dimmick
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