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HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE Vol. 1, Issue 28, December 15, 2002 |
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Dear Etiquetteer: Why does a trip to the cinema or theatre always end up being partly about how long to tolerate the fall of snow caps and other snacks? My sensory skills are impaired as I hear the clatter of ball-bearing sized candies rolling down the sides of a paper box. I have developed a clinical anxiety disorder as I see these candy-toting families walking down the aisle, even before they sit near me. This applies to popcorn tubs, too, or those who I call the narrators (people who think that their constant dialogue is part of the event). During a recent visit to an exquisite Boston theatre, I sat in my $70.00 seat only to be utterly distracted as the women behind me kept talking minutes after the curtain went up. I waited as long as I could, then turned and said "Please be quiet." They glared and acted as though I had insulted them. Last year, in the same theatre, I sat next to a man who began the second act by shaking snow caps into his hand. I waited until I felt he had eaten enough, then asked him if he could wait until the curtain to finish the box. He continued to eat through the curtain call. I vote for soft foods like marshmallows if one must eat . . . What exactly would you suggest I do? At what point after the lights go down is it acceptable to request silence? And, what are the appropriate words to say? Please include this letter in an upcoming column, for I fear this bipolar disorder left untreated might drive me to the screening room of a nearby institution! Dear Silence Is Golden: Letters like yours remind Etiquetteer that there is entirely too little Guilt and Shame in the world. Everyone is so concentrated on cosseting their Inner Child that they neglect their place in the Chain of Human Sympathies. Those ladies you shushed should have shriveled back in their seats, horrified at having disrupted the performance for others near them. But now that everyone’s so ME ME ME all the time, of course they felt they had every right to spend $70 each to talk to each other in the theatre. After all, it’s their money, isn’t it? Indeed, Etiquetteer’s own enjoyment of a Well-Known Holiday Ballet was almost completely marred by two bovine teenagers, placidly chewing their cud of Heaven Knows What in a Crinkly Bag during Act II. They were too far away for the Icy Glare to work. Once the action on stage has begun, however, you may use this Perfectly Proper Procedure for Enforcing Theatre Silence:
Loath though he is to say it, Etiquetteer thinks you overstep your bounds telling someone not to eat until intermission. But you may ask them at least to remove the cellophane. In the meantime, Etiquetteer sincerely hopes you will seek medical attention before it seeks you. Noisy theatre patrons are too trivial a matter to send you off the Betty.
Dear Etiquetteer: It is customary in my business to use the term "Messrs." when corresponding with a group of people who all happen to be men, i.e., Messrs. Sheester, Sheister and Shuster. I am working on my annual Christmas greetings and a number of the recipients are same-sex couples. I wish to use the proper term in the proper way. How should I use Messrs. and Mmes (if at all)? Dear Honorifically Enhanced: Etiquetteer adores the French, who have given us, among other things, ballet, Bearnaise sauce, Misia Sert, the Orient Express, and especially Champagne. But they are popping up inappropriately here. Etiquetteer would use “Messrs.” and “Mmes.” only for those people sharing a gender and a last name. Anytime you are addressing correspondence to two people who do not style themselves “Mr. and Mrs.” they are listed alphabetically, each on their own line, regardless of gender: Ms. Susan Abernathy Mr. Roger Smith OR Mr. Allen Ciardi Dr. Michael Gigli OR Ms. Kathleen Abbott Ms. Lisa Valenciennes
Dear Etiquetteer: I have a wonderful friend who has had me over to dinner at his place several times over the past two years, including his last two lavish Thanksgiving celebrations. I send a thank-you card every time, but I am having difficulty trying to come up with something different to say in each note. Not that it matters to my wonderful friend, though; the next time I see him he gushes, "Thank you for the wonderful thank-you card; NOBODY sends thank-you cards anymore!" It's heartwarming for me to know that he appreciates the level and depth of my gratitude, but I fear that my future cards will seem insincere. Anything I can do to make each thank-you card distinct from the last? Dear Anxiously Grateful: Etiquetteer wants you to sit back and consider how unlikely it is that your Charming Host is keeping your Growing Sheaf of Grateful Correspondence handy to compare them for Originality. The spotlight is not always on You. There is surely something about each party different from the last that you can add to “Thank you for inviting me to dinner” that will make your host think you were paying attention. Etiquetteer thinks it is better form to praise the other guests (“I so enjoyed talking with Millicent. You bring together some interesting people!”) rather than the food or the arrangements, unless you hostess is one of those Diva Acolytes of Martha Stewart who treat home entertainment as a Spotlight on Their Own Perfection Regardless of the Discomfort of the Guests. |
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