HOLIDAY ENTERTAINING

Vol. 1, Issue 26, December 1, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

My wife and I host a Christmas Party at our house for our entire church. Our congregation is not very large, so having parents and children for a festive Italian Christmas meal is not a problem of space. Some parents do not supervise their young children very well. One Christmas several of them played a game jumping over our boxwood hedge. Ever since then they have never been quite the same symmetrical row of shrubs running up to the front entrance. Large gaps of missing branches evidence the children's inability to scale the height for their jumping game. Also the white living room sofa and upholstered chairs have stained chocolate fingerprints from little children allowed to eat cake in that room.

The dilemma is this: I know that all I possess is a gift from the Lord and I want to share our beautiful home with our church family and make them feel comfortable. But I also know that I am a steward of what He has given me and wants me to take good care of it. So how do I graciously let the parents know that they are welcome to my home but have to abide by certain rules for their children, without offending them? Am I expecting too much? Should I just be willing to give and face the consequences and aftermath later on? Or should I go ahead and lay down a set of rules for parents of little children to follow if they choose to attend?

Dear Steward:

Your letter reminded Etiquetteer of a magical story by Flaubert called “St. Julian the Hospitaller,” about a young man who, after accidentally killing his noble parents in a fit of blood-lust, has to strip naked and lie next to a bone-chillingly cold tubercular to save his life, all while running a wayside inn. (Etiquetteer encourages you to find this story for yourself; Flaubert tells it much better than Etiquetteer just did.)

Etiquetteer is sure that you are grateful your hospitality has not been tested to that extreme, and he applauds your courage in continuing to entertain an entire congregation in your home. But Etiquetteer, who shows these scars to you, knows that Perfectly Proper hospitality means girding yourselves for battle. Especially at any party with children.

Etiquetteer shares your exasperation with parents who do not properly supervise their children. As you are the Steward of what God has given you, so are they the Shepherds of their Sheep. To protect your white furniture, Etiquetteer suggests creating a Sheepfold: set aside a special area for children to eat and let parents know that only that space is “kid-friendly.” Then cover your furniture with festive holiday fabric underlined with super-absorbent bath towels for the little wanderers who escape the Sheepfold, and for the adults who spill red wine . . .

In the absence of a responsible parent, Etiquetteer suggests that you enlist a young congregant to act as an "undercover angel" to monitor the little darlings as they frisk and gambol over your lawns and upholstery -- not to organize activities but at least to shriek "Stop that!" when they are jumping over the hedge. Barring that, you are entirely within your rights to alert parents, graciously, when their children are misbehaving. "We're worried that Little Johnny is going to scratch his trousers by running through our hedge."

It is fine to Lay Up for Yourselves Treasures in Heaven, but Etiquetteer hopes you will Cash In Sooner in the form of a sheaf of Lovely Notes from all the families attending your festivity.

Dear Etiquetteer:

The hostess of a festive dinner party was using heirloom crystal that had been in her family for generations and said several times how anxious she was about using it. Alas, while refilling someone’s wineglass at the table, I knocked over a goblet with the bottle, shattering it and staining an antique damask cloth with red wine. I was terribly embarrassed and sent a gift certificate to a replacement service so she could attempt to replace the broken piece. But I felt the hostess contributed to the problem by talking about the crystal so much, and then crowding the table with glasses so it was difficult to pour. And what should I have done about the linen? I can’t imagine the stain ever came out.

Dear Calamitous:

Etiquetteer couldn’t be fonder of a beautifully set table. Every occasion does risk breakage, but Etiquetteer prefers to take a tip from that exceedingly urbane, cultured, and principled German diplomat Freddy Horstmann, who once spent a World War II air raid selecting 18th-Century porcelain to use in a projected pagoda (and why not?). His wife Lally recalled “I was worried about the risk of their being broken on the way over . . . but this made my husband extremely angry. ‘We must be very careful (emphasis Etiquetteer’s) in taking them out, but I implore you not to fall into the petty bourgeois error of not using precious things. Everything you touch, everything that is in daily use, should be as attractive as possible.’” *

So Etiquetteer, sadly, has to fault your hostess for letting her unattractive anxiety get the better of her. So many of us let the Spirit of Perfection overmaster the Spirit of Hospitality. But this does not diminish your Perfect Propriety in sending the gift certificate. Replacing broken china or crystal -- not just offering to replace, replacing it -- is essential to being a good guest. But Etiquetteer draws the line at linens. Any hostess serving red wine on white damask, however Perfectly Proper, deserves what she gets.

*To read more about this fascinating gentleman, victim of the Stalinists, read his wife’s poignant memoir We Chose to Stay.