HOLIDAY GIFT GIVING -- Vol. 1, Issue 24, November 15, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

One of my closest gal pals gave me the weirdest Christmas gift, a $55 handmade bird feeder from an arts & crafts store. It was ceramic and made to look like birch bark. While it was nice it was totally useless. I felt: 1) The neighbor has ten feeders already, why do I need one? 2) If I ever bought a bird feeder it would be cheap and plastic. I mean really, it’s for the birds. 3) When there are so many things I really could use instead, why this? 4) I would have been thrilled with a $25 gift certificate to Home Depot.

So I returned it for a credit. The problem is it’s one of those artsy/crafty stores I hate, no guy items, all handmade jewelry and inlaid boxes and feminine pottery, blech. After going to both stores and touring around for 45 minutes, I was just about to settle for a less objectionable item which I didn't need either when I spied in a corner near the floor a guy artist that made these neat rough earthenware bowls with leaves pressed in them, very interesting and handsome, unique and semi-useful, for fruit or mail or pinecones. Of course I had to throw in another $20. Hopefully she will never ask about the bird feeder if she sees the bowl and comments on it I'll tell her it was her Christmas present because I think she should know for next year.

I gave her a bottle of expensive champagne, which she enjoyed over New Year’s with her boyfriend, a bulb kit for forcing, a Christmas ornament for her tree and a small frame with a picture I took of her in it. I tried. The moral being, don't buy things at stores that have a really limited range, i.e. girlie stores for guys or hunting stores for girls (unless of course they hunt).

Dear Ungrateful and Entitled:

Perhaps you would prefer the lump of coal Etiquetteer is going to leave in your stocking . . .

Etiquetteer observes that you seem to be operating under the illusion that Christmas is about getting the gifts you want rather than expressing your love for friends and family in a tangible way. While the catalog of gifts you gave your friend is generous and, Etiquetteer assumes, not unwanted, they don’t create an obligation on your friend’s part to give you a gift you want, or any gift at all beyond a thank-you note. At least you made the best of a situation not exactly to your taste by exchanging the gift you got for something you preferred. So what if you had to spend a little extra? You broadened your artistic horizons by rummaging through that store and happening upon something you liked and wouldn’t have known about otherwise. Not everyone is so fortunate.

Absolutely don't tell your friend that the bowls are her Christmas present. First of all they aren’t -- she didn’t pick them out -- and second you will only hurt her feelings that she gave you something you didn’t like. It’s not your business to tell anybody how to spend money on you anyway. And if she asks about the bird feeder -- which she shouldn't, it's bad manners -- tell her it broke. That might give her the hint that ceramic objects aren't a good idea. In the meantime, continue to involve her in activities that interest you, and maybe she’ll select a gift more useful to you next Christmas.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Is it appropriate to tip my personal trainer during the holiday season? I tip my paperperson, who also performs a weekly service for me. If so, what tip is correct?

Dear Ho-Ho-Ho:

It is always most appropriate to give a cash gift to employees during the holiday season, since your relationship is primarily a business one; indeed, it’s often preferable to a fruitcake. In this case Etiquetteer prefers to think of it as a holiday bonus rather than a tip. Please present it in one of those little holiday envelopes with the oval cut out so you can see the face of the President on the bill; don’t just hand over a wad of crumpled singles from your sweat socks. The amount is up to you, but Etiquetteer would suggest that anything less than at least $10 will brand you a cheapskate.