HALLOWE'EN and GIFTS- Vol. 1, Issue 21, October 6, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

Any advice in your column for Halloween? Since our son is only four, last year we all trick-or-treated together, and our house was dark. We planned to do the same this year, but now we live in a duplex, and not an apartment, so we might actually get trick-or-treaters at our door. We won't risk getting egged if we're not home, will we? Wouldn't want to miss our son’s second outing! Is there proper etiquette for Halloween?

Dear Happy and Haunted:

Etiquetteer wants to salute you, and all parents, who labor with such care to keep Hallowe’en an innocent evening of delight for their children by accompanying them on their rounds, inspecting all their candy afterward, and increasingly these days, holding Hallowe’en parties for many children to eliminate trick-or-treating altogether.

The most important part of Hallowe’en manners for children is that they say “Trick or treat!” and “Thank you!” -themselves- at each household. As for parents handing out treats, act scared when the revelers try to frighten you . . . but not so much that you give out more than one piece of candy per ghost and goblin. And for the grown-ups, Etiquetteer offers you his recipe for a Hallowe’en libation:

ETIQUETTEER’S HALLOWE’EN PUNCH

Mix chilled dry white wine and chilled apple cider to a personally pleasing proportion, then pour over dry ice in a cauldron. Stir reciting the speech of the weird sisters from “Macbeth” that begins “Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble,” then serve in goblets. The resulting concoction should taste like a creamy version of a fresh apple. And speaking of white wine . . .

Dear Etiquetteer:

Close friends came to dinner recently and brought a chilled bottle of white wine. While dinner that evening called for white wine, I did not serve the wine they had brought, but rather the wine I had purchased for that evening. It did not occur to me to offer to serve the wine they had brought, but in retrospect maybe they would have liked that, something about contributing to dinner that evening. Any thoughts?

Dear Wined and Dined:

“Hostess gifts,” whether wine, flowers, or chocolates, are exactly that -- gifts, which are to be enjoyed by the hosts whenever they wish. So you behaved with Perfect Propriety by keeping it for later. That said, it is a thoughtful host who considers the feelings of his guests. If the wine had not compromised the menu, it would have been gracious of you to trot it out saying “Bathsheba and Nebuchadnezar brought along this delightful bottle of chardonnay tonight. I can’t wait to try it!” As it is, you might send a Lovely Note to them when you -do- drink it, to let them know their gift was appreciated.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was at a gathering recently where the invitation indicated "no gifts." I think you know the sad end to this story: many people arrived with gifts and I had a measly greeting card in hand. Should there be some adjutant by the door snatching this contraband? It seems that I always try to follow the rules and get burned. Help Etiquetteer!

Dear Gifted:

This is why Etiquetteer is so weary of Virtue being Its Own Reward. But you know the going rate on adjutants is something scandalous! Etiquetteer hopes that you held your head high and continued conversing vivaciously on this occasion, and that you put off sobbing boozily into your cocktail until you were alone. Etiquetteer really abhors the designation “no gifts” anyway, and even worse the modern substitute “In lieu of gifts, please make a contribution to [insert charity here].” How presumptuous to assume that people are planning to spend money on you in the first place! The only time something like this is Perfectly Proper is when the death announcement concludes “In lieu of flowers, the family of the Deceased has requested that donations be made to [insert charity here.]”

That said, Etiquetteer is all too aware that for decades, if not centuries, the offering of gifts has become almost inextricably intertwined with the celebration of birthdays and weddings. But he still thinks it mighty presumptuous for people to expect it, whether their motive is to raise money for a good cause, keep from getting too many sets of gumbo bowls, or even to save you money.