THANKSGIVING - Vol. 1, Issue 19, October 6, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

I find myself in a very messy situation with this year's Thanksgiving plans. I have twin sisters -- let's call them Joanna and Stacey. Joanna plans to marry "Joe" next August. Stacey has begun dating Joe's older brother, "Ted." Here's the trouble: Ted is currently in the middle of a very messy divorce, has two small children, and a recently-dumped mistress. Joanna and Joe are none too pleased about the match because the timing is absolutely abysmal. Perhaps Stacey and Ted are soul-mates, but mid-divorce seems a terrible time to investigate the fact. Ted also has a fiery temper & can be very manipulative.

Consequently, both families (parents included) are concerned about the match. When Joanna and Joe delicately expressed their concern, Ted promptly called Joanna a "harpy" -- for those unfamiliar with the term, that's a woman with snakes on her head -- and numerous other uncouth names. Stacey seems unbothered by this abuse of her sister. Joanna and Stacey normally spend Thanksgiving together, but will not this year because Joanna will be out of state. Stacey has been invited to a large family gathering in Ohio.

Our worry? What if she wants to bring Ted? While we all love Stacey, want her to be happy, and want to welcome her current flame, we simply cannot stand the thought of hanging out chummily with Ted all weekend. While he seems to enjoy one twin well enough, he's been vicious to the other. What to do?

Dear "Trying-hard-to-be-gracious-and-failing-miserably" in Michigan:

Etiquetteer would like to congratulate for starting to think about Thanksgiving already. With barely two months to go, this is -absolutely- the time to begin pondering menus, cooking and flight schedules, color-coordinating family outfits for the group portrait, and inventing sick friends who need you to keep from going back to the Old Homestead. This practice, identified by the late Oscar Wilde as “Bunburying,” involves creating a fictitious friend or relative who is frequently ill and requiring of your attention. Perhaps this is what Joanna has done to avoid further commentary on her hairdo? You may wish to consider it, also.

Thanksgiving has, from the beginning, been identified as a family holiday. Families are composed of those people connected by blood, marriage, civil union, or divorce. (Oh, you’d be surprised how many Thanksgivings are based on who gets the children that holiday . . . ) This would include anyone -likely- to be connected in such a way (except divorce) as well. That definition would include Ted and his two small children . . . but not the mistress. Stacey should be able to bring them if she wants to, but would be responsible for their accommodations if no one offers to keep them.

Etiquetteer now has a question for you: what makes you think the holidays are there to be enjoyed? Holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas -- with their atmosphere of tenacious festivity heavily larded with the need to have everything look, taste, and be perfect -- are there to be endured, not enjoyed. It's time, as a dear colleague of Etiquetteer's once put it, to "suck up your socks" and tackle Ted with kindness head on. But Etiquetteer would certainly permit a celebratory glass of champagne after Ted’s departure.

Now, having removed the last vestige of hope, Etiquetteer hopes that you are in the proper frame of mind to welcome Ted to any family gathering with an open heart. Call upon the Deity of Your Choice to strengthen your resolve, and to remind you What you are Thankful For. As you prepare for this holiday of challenges to your spirit of hospitality, Etiquetteer encourages you to turn for menu suggestions to the tale of two other sisters, “Like Water for Chocolate.” A heaping dish of quail in rose-petal sauce sounds like just the entree, even if it isn’t turkey. You might fix Ted a special casserole of braised eel, too; tell him the harpy got a haircut. (Oh dear, did Etiquetteer really say that?!)

Dear Etiquetteer:

I see that the shades at a friend's house are on backwards (the shade draped down from the back -- you can see the roll) instead of the front. Do I tell him? Frankly, he may not care but I want to spare him any gasps of disbelief.

Dear Shady of the Martha Militia:

Good heavens! If you said anything you might be accused of not celebrating the diversity of the alternatively draped! The etiquette issue here is not whether the shades are hung properly, but whether it’s appropriate to criticize, however constructively you think it might be, how your host has chosen to arrange his house. If you feel you must, lead by example and demonstrate your own properly hung shades when your friend visits . . . but Etiquetteer warns you, you’re only asking for trouble.