RESPONSES and THANK-YOU NOTES - Vol. 1, Issue 18, September 29, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

This weekend I had invitations to two events. I called the hostess of the first to decline, as the note clearly said RSVP and gave her phone number. She thanked me, and said of the 30-something people invited, I was only the second to contact her, and the event was that evening. She was in a bit of a quandary, not knowing how many guests to plan for, but was a good sport about it.

The second event was my eight-year-old niece's birthday party. She had mailed 15 invitations to classmates, all with an RSVP. One child's parent happened to see my sister, and responded in person. Not ONE other parent contacted them to let them know one way or the other. My niece wasn't too concerned; her three friends that came (as well as we family members) were plenty for her, and we all had a good time. But they had prepared enough gift-bags and had enough cake for at least 7 more kids who didn't show, but they couldn't be sure! Why don't people RSVP? My sister suggested that for the next invitation to anyone, they write “Please call us and let us know if you will be able to attend” in big letters across the bottom. Do folks these days just not know what RSVP means?

Dear Peeved and Proper:

And this is the friendly, casual world that everyone thinks is -so- much better than all those rules from days of yore . . . HA! This is the sort of progress that leaves bruised and broken hearts in its wake, and stale birthday cake in the refrigerator. Etiquetteer firmly believe that most people understand what RSVP means. They also understand that it only applies to -other people.- Heaven forbid anyone commit in advance to anything -- they might not -feel- like going on the day of the event! As if anyone cared how they felt . . . In addition to “waiting to see how I feel that day,” people don’t respond because they are all, secretly, hoping for a better offer. Well, all you people -- and you know who you are -- be warned. You won’t get a better offer, and Etiquetteer will swat you with the flat of his rapier if you don’t respond within 24 hours of receiving the invitation.

As for your sister’s suggestion, the proper language is “The favour of a reply is requested.” Etiquetteer has been known to modify it to say “The extremely basic courtesy of a reply is requested so I’m not eating leftovers for a week afterward,” but this is just a -shade- too acidic to be perfectly proper.

Dear Etiquetteer:

This is not so much a question but rather a reminder to tell your readers to write those thank-you notes. Expressing appreciation for a kindness shown to you is a gift of joy to the sender. And for young people, don’t forget to acknowledge those institutions from which you receive scholarships or other amenities.

Dear Thoughtful Correspondent:

Etiquetteer wants to point out that thank-you notes are even more than a gift of joy to their recipients; they also confirm that their efforts to please have succeeded. That said, Etiquetteer must guiltily confess that there are several thank-you notes half-written and/or unsent on his own desk, so he can hardly stick quill pens into somebody without coming out looking like a turkey -- or, one hopes, some remarkable jungle bird with a guilty expression.

Your injunction to the young reminds Etiquetteer of a committee at a certain Protestant church which awards a college scholarship each year. During its annual review the renewal application of a scholarship was summarily rejected by the pastor. “She never even sent a thank-you note,” said the pastor. “If she’s not grateful for the support, there are others who will be.” Let this be a lesson to you, students in search of financial aid!

Dear Etiquetteer:

My mother has begun sending me thank-you notes for any gifts I give her, starting with last Christmas and most recently Mother’s Day. I'm glad to hear from her, but feel this is not only unnecessary, but makes the gift-giving process too formal for our mother-daughter relationship. It makes me uncomfortable. Should I tell her this and risk undermining her gestures, or just let it go. If so, should I start sending thank you notes to her as well? (I am very grateful, but usually express my thanks over the phone.)

Dear Reluctant Recipient:

Etiquetteer would like to observe, as respectfully as possible, that you are not receiving your mother’s correspondence in the proper spirit. Rather than interpret the written thank-you note as a chilling frost on the blossom of your relationship with your mother, consider this written expression of gratitude and affection as the fertilizer that will nurture it to grow strong and beautiful in coming years. Etiquetteer encourages you to respond in kind with your own written notes of thanks in addition to calling. One cannot go back years later and read a phone call.

Etiquetteer’s Christmas Checklist: Order Christmas cards -and- thank-you notes starting this week.