ENTERTAINING in PUBLIC - Vol. 1, Issue 17, September 21, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer: An acquaintance of mine, who lives in an upscale community I’ll call Peyton Place, will volunteer for anything and is quick always to advertise her good works. Well, as the only person in the neighborhood to volunteer, she hosted the neighbors with a large party on the town's "Mayor's Night Out" complete with fancy foods, a band and of course, invitations to the community weekly paper who sent a photographer and reporter. Well, it was a large turnout with who knows all those tacky people.

Then the next week, when the paper came out, there were lots of large pictures of her party, and who was featured at the top of the page but a very large picture of Dr. _________ who is known far and wide as the Peyton Place Peeper! He was convicted and placed on probation, lost his license to practice and his license to drive for terrifying women and young girls for over a year. Our generous hostess is now ashamed to leave her house, and as she drives out for errands after dark, she fears people will throw bad fruit at the car. This week, the paper's editorial page is filled with irate letters so nobody has missed this news. Some even asked if Dr. _________ brought his video camera and ladder. And this was a night to "Fight Back Against Crime." Is there any hope for this unfortunate hostess?

Dear Miss Peyton: Who was it who said “No good deed goes unpunished”? You see how true that is!

Etiquetteer was about to recommend community service, but clearly your friend has already gone that route, with unfortunate results. But really, Etiquetteer thinks it’s mighty difficult to exclude a neighbor from a neighborhood party, especially a big in-your-face publicly advertised party inviting everyone.

Etiquetteer would not fault your hostess friend, only her perhaps overzealous ambition in publicizing her good works. Etiquetteer places the fault at the door of the Peeper himself. He should be sufficiently ashamed to isolate himself from the community he terrorized. Etiquetteer is irresistibly reminded of Inspector Kemp in “Young Frankenstein:” “A riot is an ugly thing . . . and I think it is just about time that we had one!” All these letter writers excoriating your friend should instead band together and burn the Peeper in effigy on his front lawn. That should give him a hint to stay at home, if not move out of town.

Dear Etiquetteer: I recently received a gift from a colleague during a lunch date a few weeks back. What is the proper etiquette for opening gifts? Is it proper to open it up in front of them or wait until you return home? I never want to seem rude or eager to rip a gift open while out on the town or home for that matter. Since the gift was given to me at the completion of our lunch date, I assumed it would be best to open later. Any help on this matter is greatly appreciated.

Dear Gifted: Etiquetteer thinks it more graceful and less messy to open the gift later. Negotiating opening a present, with ribbon and tissue paper all over a tiny restaurant table and the risk of knocking over that bud vase, etc. etc. How much trouble to you want to make for the waiter? But if your friend had given you the gift earlier in the luncheon, or petulantly begged you to open it before her, it would have been perfectly fine.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Help before this happens again ... I was treating a six-year-old friend at our neighborhood ice cream parlor -- a small, narrow shop -- at a time when there were few customers in the place. As we munched along on our banana splits, a man with one leg hobbled by on crutches. In a small boy voice heard round the world, the child asked, "Look at him! Where's his leg?" We can only hope that poor, brave man was not too offended. As for myself, I died that day. Please alert us as to the proper way to handle this situation.

Dear Villager:

The hot flush of recognition passed over Etiquetteer’s brow reading your letter, followed by the cold sweaty sheen of horror. Etiquetteer was once that young child -- complete with bow tie and Shirley Temple cocktail -- helpfully recommending Weight Watchers to a -very- large friend of Etiquetteer’s mother in a crowded room. May God forgive me . . . Etiquetteer still wakes up screaming.

Educating the young always involves communicating the right way to do things as soon as improper behavior manifests itself. After this little boy’s outburst, say quietly “Not so loudly, dear. If you have a question about someone, whisper in my ear.” Later, privately, when the amputee is out of sight and earshot, explain how rude it is to comment on people’s handicaps, looks, and behaviors in ways that they can hear. It’s hurtful. (Commenting on people’s handicaps, looks, and behaviors in ways that they can’t hear is more commonly known as gossip; it can be just as hurtful. Stop it at once.)