FOOD and RESTAURANTS - Vol. 1, Issue 16, September 13, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

Here's something I've struggled with all my life. I am one of the only two people I know on earth who will not eat shrimp under any circumstances; and as you know, it's served as a first course or entree at every whip-stitch. Thus far, I have smiled and pushed it around on my plate and brought fork to mouth with only the sauce on it. If I'm lucky, I hide it under the lettuce. I know this is noticed by the hosts. I feel guilty but not so guilty I will eat it. If at another time and place the subject comes up I will say I'm allergic. How can I let it be known that I don't eat stuff that crawls or swims without being offensive?

Dear Shrimp-o:

Etiquetteer only wishes he got invited to places that served shrimp. These days he’s lucky to make do with those pastel-tinted shrimp crackers that occasionally come with Chinese takeout. We all have our aversions to different foods. Etiquetteer has effectively pleaded allergy since childhood to shun watermelon and lima beans, two of the most revolting items on any menu (to Etiquetteer -- you go ahead and eat what you want). Another close friend of Etiquetteer has a near-fatal allergy to shellfish and has let it be known, quietly, that “anything with an exoskeleton” is unwelcome on his plate. But once it’s put before you, you can’t say anything about it unless asked by the hostess, and then only regretfully. But really, your hostess should be polite enough not to let you see her noticing what you are and are not eating. Which leads Etiquetteer somewhat off-topic, but one shouldn’t even be speaking about food at the table. No better example exists than in Isak Dinesen’s delicious and poignant story “Babette’s Feast:” “When man has not only altogether forgotten but has firmly renounced all ideas of food and drink that he eats and drinks in the right spirit.” Etiquetteer enjoins you all to rush out and read this charming story of Norwegian ascetics being introduced to French haute cuisine by a refugee chef. You may be inspired to have a wonderful dinner party yourself!

Dear Etiquetteer: As an older person, I remember when good manners required waiting for everyone to be finished eating before clearing any of the dishes and that the hostess would be mindful of a slow eater and save something on her plate so as not to draw attention to or embarrass the slow one. The trend today is for the waiter to whisk away from the table any plate as soon as it is emptied. Discussing this with a foursome recently while dining at a lovely club, one remembered an old friend (now deceased) who would continue to hold her fork over her plate when she herself was finished eating so that the waiter would not be able to remove her plate. Does Etiquetteer feel the new trend will replace the old manners? Dear Fastidious Diner: Etiquetteer would observe that the new trend already has replaced the old manners, at least in restaurants rather than private homes. But as Etiquetteer’s mother is fond of saying, “That doesn’t make it right.” Indeed, Etiquetteer would not be surprised to find out that the majority of Americans under 40 don’t even know about this rule. If you can hold your fork over your plate without ostentation, that will be the best way to save your dinner companions from any embarrassment they may feel -- or be too ignorant to feel -- but don’t be surprised if you have to explain it to the waiter or waitress. ***** Dear Etiquetteer: I am having a birthday dinner at a local restaurant. Eighteen people are coming, some of whom know each other, and some of whom don't. Is it appropriate to use placecards to help people mingle or, conversely, to make sure people are seated next to or across from people they know? Should one split up couples or no? Thanks for your sage advice. Dear Birthday Boy: Etiquetteer -adores- placecards and considers them one of the most necessary and underused social tools. And there are few things more fun for a hostess than to devise a seating plan to promote truly interesting conversation over the entree. Couples are absolutely forbidden to sit next to each other. They have plenty of opportunities to do that in their own homes and should make an effort to socialize with others. Since you plan to use placecards in a restaurant, plan to show up five minutes before your guests with seating chart and completed placecards in hand to deal them out. Calligraphy is nice, but not required. As you bring your guests to the table, be sure to stand and show them to their seats personally, taking care to seat the ladies. Your guests will all feel more looked after. And many happy returns of the day! Etiquetteer wishes you many wonderful dinner parties in your new year.