The SERVANT PROBLEM - Vol. 1, Issue 15, August 31, 2002

Once upon a time, the Servant Problem consisted of middle-class housewives tut-tutting over their embroidery, cards, afternoon tea, or parlor taxidermy to complain about the immigrant girl slaving away in all parts of the house who either broke things, got lazy, wanted too much money, or attracted the roving eye of the Master of the House. Then, of course, came the Sixties, and middle-class housewives found it necessary to find something else to occupy their time: tie-dyeing, bra-burning, war protesting, or decoupage.

Nowadays, the Servant Problem takes on a more democratic air. Everyone in America is able to complain with a lordly air about customer service representatives, telemarketers, cashiers, waiters and waitresses, hotel desk clerks, baristas and bartenders, dry cleaners, and those nice women who spritz you with cologne in department stores. None of these people, it seems, are able to do anything at all right.

Dear Etiquetteer:

My life partner and I have recently moved to a city in Florida. We have built a new house and have been spending a lot of time in the usual hardware megastores and various lighting and home decorating centers. I find an item I like and wonder if it comes in other colors or finishes or, in the case of furniture, different types of wood, etc. So I ask the salesperson. On more than one occasion the response has been some version of “I don’t think so” followed by a blank stare. Sometimes, if I am in a bad mood I will say “Well, are you sure or do you need to look it up to make sure?” Other times I just say OK and move on to the next retail experience from Hell.

Dear Homeower:

It would be easy for Etiquetteer to blame the level of service you’re getting at these establishments on the quality of public school education, but it’s been done so often already. Suggest to the clerk (Etiquetteer loathes the inflated importance of the title “sales associate” -- faugh!) that perhaps the manager might -definitely- know and ask to see him or her at once -- assuming you aren’t already getting a blank stare from the manager himself. Indeed, it was no less a person than Mamie Eisenhower who used to say “Don’t fool around with some clerk. Go straight to the top!” Explain to the manager that the clerk had difficulty providing you with the information you requested, and do so as sweetly and regretfully as you can muster, so that the manager will feel annoyance that that stupid clerk couldn’t be more helpful to such a considerate customer. Managers rarely respond to tones of righteous indignation, though even Etiquetteer knows how personally satisfying it is work up a good head of indignation and let it blow.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I've noticed often that customer service workers (hotel desk clerks, store clerks, bank clerks) in the middle of a transaction with a “live” (present) customer will turn away to deal with a customer on the phone. Surely the rule of etiquette should be that the person with whom you’re having a face-to-face transaction (and who started first) should have priority over someone calling in. Callers could simply be told “I’m with a customer” and asked to hold. A related question is what do you do as a customer if you find yourself in this situation? I've tried politely saying “Could you finish up with me first, please?” but get surly responses.

Dear Holding Pattern:

The rule of etiquette -is-, in fact, that customers in person take precedence over customers calling in. A customer on hand is worth two on the phone. Heavens, this is why the Deity of Your Choice created voicemail in the first place, to eliminate the problem! When finding oneself getting the short end of a clerk’s attention, the proper phrase to use is “I beg your pardon, I don’t believe we were finished yet.” When greeted with surliness, ring the bell with authority (if there is one) and ask, with the kindliest hauteur you can manage, to conclude your business with the clerk’s supervisor.

Etiquetteer fondly hopes that you will spend this Labor Day Weekend reflecting on the Dignity of Labor, how you yourself can treat service personnel with respect, and getting as much wear out of your summer whites as possible before sending them, with a tear, to the dry cleaner on Tuesday for their long winter’s nap.