DATING - Vol. 1, Issue 13, August 15, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

I don't know whether the question I will pose to you is one of etiquette as opposed to, well, advice (or merely fodder for therapy), but here goes. A friend and I have been, for all intents and purposes, dating, but neither of us calls it that. We have gone on like this (meeting weekly for drinks to commiserate over our respective weeks, going out for dinner, seeing friends perform in local productions) for a number of months, and have come to enjoy each other's company and conversation. What is the best way to discern what his intentions might be (or to disclose my own feelings, since I might be experiencing this in a completely different way than he) without doing harm to the friendship? It doesn't help that we are both articulate but oblique, and rather averse to rejection. Any suggestions you can offer that don't involve wearing an ascot would be most appreciated.

Dear Fence Sitter:

Since you’re so averse to ascots, permit Etiquetteer to suggest, icily, a noose for your neckwear. A noose of your own making, too; the situation you describe is the perfect one to leave -everyone- hanging. Questions like this make Etiquetteer feel like he’s doubling for the late Ann Landers.

There are two approaches to break this emotional impasse. Both involve great courage on your part coupled with the preparation for rejection. The first involves your tongue. Declare your precise emotions to your friend; this is very Victorian, but does not require you to go down on one knee -or- wear an ascot. The second also involves your tongue. Plant it firmly between your friend’s lips and wriggle it about. Etiquetteer won’t vouch for the politeness of this approach -- indeed, it could get you busted for harassment -- but it is -not- oblique. Take the risk or don't. Now run along, and don’t let Etiquetteer hear from you again until you need help picking out a necktie for your commitment ceremony.

Dear Etiquetteer:

My boggle concerns dating and the sordid topic of coin. As a single man about town, I recently encountered a situation where I simply was at a loss. I was going back and forth on e-mail and then on telephone with a fine young gent. This "negotiation" of sorts came when my work had not cut me the correct check, and my budget did not amply allow for much other than perhaps a date over a home cooked meal and or a rental movie. Not wanting to offend, and still very much wanting to show interest I made plans to meet. Is it appropriate to explain such fiscal things up-front or should one just not obligate oneself and wait for the slump to end?

Dear Champagne Tastes:

Oh dear. Your use of the word “negotiation” in setting up a date while worried about your finances makes Etiquetteer wonder if your “date’s” meter isn’t ticking in the background . . .

Confessing to a financial shortfall before one’s first date is hardly likely to make you look very desirable. And chatter about one’s personal finances is sort of vulgar anyway. There is a way to keep you from looking cheap -and- vulgar, though. First dates shouldn’t be more expensive than a cup of coffee at your neighborhood bistro. Suggest that with no hint at all of financial restriction and enjoy your coffee together.

Dear Etiquetteer:

When faced with a beau saying “keep Saturday free, and I’ll spend Sunday with you as well...” the reality crept in that while he did call three times on Saturday he didn’t actually show up until 8:15 PM. I had luckily not purchased the 6:00 PM dinner benefit tickets and proceeded to change out of my formal outfit to a much less formal one and cook dinner at home. The next morning he departed explaining he needed to lend his car to a family member whose car was out of commission and he would return shortly. He returned at 5:30 PM. Both days I was waiting 4+ hours more than I thought I should have been. What is the best way to explain my frustration, and make it clear my time is valuable too?

Dear Stood Up:

By valuing your time -- and yourself -- enough not to put up with this nonsense any longer. Refuse to be available to this cad until he starts pounding on your door with the traditional roses and chocolates, as a proper beau should. Certainly he has not demonstrated respect for anything but his own freedom, don’t you think?

This, Etiquetteer could point out until he erupts in flames, is what comes of everybody wanting to be so -casual- and afraid to commit. Etiquetteer is at a loss why, too, because Etiquetteer already knows they aren’t going to get a better offer. One shows respect and regard for friends, family, and associates, by scheduling in advance and honoring engagements punctually. That said, Etiquetteer is the first to admit that he himself has Supremely Flaked Out on several Important Occasions, which then required every effort to Grovel Before and Mollify the Stood Up Parties.

Christmas Checklist: start verifying the addresses on your Christmas card list now for easier distribution the day after Thanksgiving.