INSTRUCTING NEW PEOPLE- Vol. 1, Issue 12, August 10, 2002

Dear Etiquetteer:

My new neighbors are sweet young people with two adorable babies. I managed to be stern in explaining why I don’t loan expensive lawn and garden equipment and why I never ask for stuff from the kitchen; my parents forbade such and it stuck. However, they never prepared me for this . . . The couple are devout churchgoers and have asked me to join them several times. When they came over to say that since they had no family in town and that they were dedicating the little girl to Jesus would I please act as an honorary grandmother and attend, I felt I had to join them. Of course I made the child a Christening cap and got a gift and went to their church. No water hit that cap! And the service was quite different from the Episcopal cathedral I attend. Now, for the past few weeks, the young woman has asked to join me at my church. I’m more than happy to comply and she is certainly most welcome, but how do I explain that we do not hold up our hands or speak aloud during the sermon? I respect all beliefs but feel that I’m in for a heated “discussion” once we’re home. If I lose the discussion, I could be selling tracts on the streets of Boston before it’s over. Help!

Dear Guidepost:

What a wonderful opportunity for you to guide this sweet married couple through the intricacies of a new neighborhood. Etiquetteer has not failed to notice that more “contemporary” forms of worship, often involving percussion instruments, have begun to displace the more traditional, and Etiquetteer would say harmonious and contemplative, forms of worship. But that's a personal opinion not entirely democratic in a Nation that observes Freedom of Religion. When you invite this couple to join you at your church, you need only say that it is a “traditional worship service” and not a “contemporary” service. If she inquires further, say the congregation responds in a less charismatic fashion than the service you attended with them. Etiquetteer is sure they will understand then.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have made a new friend, incidentally European, and I would like to keep her as a friend for some time. She’s bright, kind, professional, and the following notwithstanding, she fits well into my social circle. So what’s the problem? Polite folk would say she dresses like a lady of the evening. I say she dresses like a tramp. The last time we had brunch, she showed up in a tight pink knit top, pink heels, and a pink miniskirt that recalled the last full moon. The hair and makeup were equally tawdry, and the accessories were cringeworthy. People gawk, honk horns, even proposition her. And I can only guess what they’re thinking of me when we’re walking together. I’ve hinted that she really can be more “casual” and “comfortable” now that she’s in the city, but she’s not getting it. How can I approach this? I fear losing her friendship no matter what happens, as already I don’t return her calls.

Dear Well-Frocked and Shocked:

This, Etiquetteer would point out with a sniff, is what comes of celebrating multiculturalism. On the other hand, there is a melting pot of standards of dress in our Great Nation which often conflict. The styles you mention, for instance, could have been taken from the cover of -Cosmopolitan- or another one of those glossy women’s magazines. And yet most ladies know better than to be caught dead wearing such an outfit -- at least before 5:00 PM. If Etiquetteer can tell you’re wearing a black lace push-up bra, that’s probably not an outfit you should wear to the office.

Still, what a response your friend is generating! Are you sure she isn’t Anna Nicole Smith faking an accent? So here’s some good old all-American advice from Etiquetteer: when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. Schedule a day of beauty for both of you at a local spa complete with relaxing facial, manicure, hair, makeup, etc. and follow it immediately with a shopping spree so you can both pick out some new, less compromising clothes. Gently but firmly guide your European friend into more sedate, less sluttish choices. Permit Etiquetteer to suggest something from Mainbocher or Best & Company, so elegant. If that doesn’t take, next time your friend is propositioned, ask her point blank if she’s not worried about being considered “for hire.” Etiquetteer hopes that -that- might make her sit up and take notice of the impression she’s making.